(Updated 26/5/2022)

It is with deep sadness that we say goodbye to our friend and volunteer Alison McNeil (MBE), who lost her brave battle with Cancer recently.

Alison and I met in November 2020. Unfortunately, just days before our first meeting, She was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and began treatment the following week.

Alison was terrified of dying, yet faced her greatest fear with grit & determination, battling with every ounce of her being right to the very end.

She was incredibly passionate about self development and learning, particularly Trauma;  the impact that it has on peoples lives, CPTSD and emotional healing.  Prior to her diagnosis, Alison worked in mental health, keen to help others recognise and understand the impact of trauma, her way of preventing the suffering she herself had endured over the years.

During the 12 months that followed, the two of us met regularly, spending many long hours, researching, brainstorming and ‘finding the jigsaw pieces‘ together, trying to make sense of what often appears nonsensical! Alison found comfort in learning, I will miss our meaningful conversations.

Yesterday, I received a telephone call to say Alison had left instruction that we should benefit from over 100 books bought over many years in her search for answers.

In tribute, we have started Alison’s Self-Help Library at A Positive Start CIC in Hawick.

Until we meet again Alison with the secret MBE – Good Night, God Bless x

If you would like to donate your unwanted self-books for Alison’s ‘Self-Help’ Library – Get In Touch

 

#lookwhatlovebuilt

 

IN HER OWN WORDS

My name is Alison

I am a survivor of complex post-traumatic stress disorder.  I have nearly 60 years of cPTSD, of getting through life defined by an illness I did not know, did not understand, and did not have cognitive memory of to remember and recall what happened and what was wrong.  I only had senses, feelings and deep ingrained subconscious feelings of no self-worth, guilt, shame and confusion at being controlled, anger, and emotional neglect of my needs not being validated and met, and no show of love and affection to make me feel loved and wanted.  Hiding who I really was deep within me (so deep even I don’t know where she is) because it was not safe to let her be seen.

This dysfunction left me going into adult life wholly unprepared, emotionally immature and at a complete disadvantage on how to run and manage to deal with life, so that I was unable to keep myself safe and recognise and set healthy boundaries, which left me open and vulnerable/ susceptible to narcissistic abuse and attracting relationships with people who were equally dysfunctional and never going to be good for me, and were actually doing more damage by reinforcing my lack of self-worth and self-esteem, and making me slowly but surely more ill.

I have spent my life striving and searching for the answers.

To begin with, in all the wrong places, trying to navigate my way in the world and try and make sense of it all.  But nothing I did or no matter how successful I was or how well I did, I could not fill this void that lack of self-worth had left. As my illness progressed, I was entering ‘the world’ – more and more -of being triggered and re-traumatised, by people dysfunctional with their own issues and my reactions appearing over-reactive which left me emotionally exhausted, confused, overwhelmed, and more misunderstood and worthless.

My searching and seeking and self-help started me on my road to understanding but it was going to take 25 years – to date – and a lengthy mental breakdown burnout (from 2007) before I was going to be able to make the breakthroughs I was so desperately needing.

NHS mental health psychology and therapy helped me on my journey but never got to the core cause.  They only ever treated the symptoms.

It was to be 5 years into my breakdown and a 3^rd sector service which started me on my road to recovery.  I engaged in their mental health recovery groups and workshops and started to learn tools to recovery and feel understood by facilitators with lived mental health experience.

But still no-one was speaking about trauma.

Again, it was only my quest and determination to find the answers to wellness that led me to information on cPTSD, trauma, ACE’s and being able to diagnose that this was my core illness.

What a relief I felt that at last I could understand what was happening to me.

That’s just the start though, as it still takes time to unravel and heal and learn how to be in adult, and not the scared child who wants everyone to go away and leave her alone because she does not feel they care about her.

Then eventually, in November 2020, I met Deborah Crozier at A Positive Start CIC and the game changed. I had found a therapist with lived experience who practices trauma informed support. I’m still learning who Alison really is –  she can come out now and not be afraid anymore.

Alison McNeil

Alison McNeil MBE