Deborah J Crozier

When “Discipline” Becomes Harm: Understanding Cruelty Disguised as Parenting

When “Discipline” Becomes Harm: Understanding Cruelty Disguised as Parenting

There is a kind of harm in childhood that many people never talk about.

It doesn’t leave bruises.

It doesn’t always involve shouting.

Often, it was normalised.

And one of the main reasons people stay silent is simple:

Many don’t want to hurt the ones they love.

They protect others from the truth, even when those truths shaped their entire childhood.

This blog is not about exposing individuals or assigning blame.

It’s about naming the patterns that were common in certain generations — patterns many adults now look back on and quietly carry alone.

By talking about the behaviours rather than the people, we create space for understanding, accountability, and breaking generational cycles.

This is a conversation about what happened, not who did it or what contributed to the why - because countless families shared these dynamics behind closed doors.

The Hidden Forms of Cruelty Many Children Experienced

The “Seen and Not Heard” Era

A whole generation was raised with the belief that children were:

• to be quiet
• to stay out of the way
• to do as they were told
• to absorb adult tension
• to perform chores, not emotions
• to expect little, ask for nothing, and need even less

Love was inconsistent.

Warmth depended on mood.

And emotional expression was often treated as defiance.

Behind closed doors, many children became:

• emotional shock absorbers
• scapegoats
• housemaids
• the regulators of adult distress

Meanwhile, the same adults often presented as kind, helpful, charming, or community-minded in public.

This dual identity — tender outside, volatile or dismissive inside — left many children confused, unseen, and unheard.

Behaviours That Often Went Unrecognised as Harm

Saying “yes,” then denying it and humiliating the child

A child is told they can visit a friend, only for the adult to later insist they “never said that.”

The child is labelled a liar in front of others, left embarrassed and confused.

This is gaslighting, even if unintentional.

Setting children up to fail

Some adults created “tests” that were designed to expose, not teach:

• marking drinks to check if a child had sipped
• adding food colouring to sweets
• leaving temptation out deliberately

When the child behaved like a child, they were punished or shamed.

These tactics teach secrecy and shame — not honesty.

Spiritual or moral intimidation

Statements like:

• “God is watching.”
• “You’ll go to hell.”
• “The angels are disappointed in you.”

These may sound harmless to adults, but to a child, they are terrifying.

Children take every word literally.

Belittling, mocking, or ignoring the child

Children internalise words such as:

• stupid
• ugly
• lazy
• liar
• unwanted

Sometimes no words were spoken at all — they were ignored, which can be equally damaging.

Discrediting People the Child Loves & Weaponising Comparisons

Another subtle but deeply damaging behaviour is when adults discredit, insult, or undermine the people a child loves or looks up to.

This often sounds like:

• “You’re just like your dad.”
• “You’re turning into your mother.”
• “You’re exactly like that side of the family.”

…and then the adult immediately badmouths or criticises the person they’ve compared the child to.

To the child, this is more than just an insult. It becomes:

• an attack on their identity
• a rejection of half of who they are
• a warning not to love or resemble someone important to them
• emotional triangulation
• psychological splitting: “good side” vs “bad side”

Children absorb the message:

• “Part of me is unacceptable.”
• “Loving this person is wrong.”
• “I have inherited something flawed.”
• “I will be treated differently depending on who I’m compared to.”

This dynamic also forces the child to carry emotional loyalty conflicts they never asked for.

And when adults insult someone a child loves — especially a parent, grandparent, or sibling — the child feels:

• torn
• confused
• defensive
• guilty
• responsible for mediating tension

This is not discipline, and it is not parenting.

It is emotional manipulation disguised as comparison.

Adults Finding a Child’s Fear or Distress “Funny”

Another common but rarely acknowledged behaviour is adults enjoying a child’s distress — finding their fear, shock, or upset reaction humorous or “cute.”

This often looked like:

• teasing a child until they cried
• pretending something frightening was happening
• taking pleasure in the child’s startled facial expression
• laughing at a child’s trembling lip, fear, or confusion
• provoking an emotional reaction purely for amusement

At first, adults framed it as:

• “funny”
• “harmless”
• “cute”
• “just a joke”

But when the child became too distressed or overwhelmed, the adult often switched to irritation or blame, labelling the child as:

• “mardy”
• “over-sensitive”
• “dramatic”
• “spoilt”
• “in need of a lesson”

This pattern teaches the child:

• my emotions are entertainment
• my fear is amusing to others
• my hurt doesn’t matter until it inconveniences someone
• I am responsible for managing adults’ reactions to the pain they caused

The truth is simple:

It is not funny to enjoy a child’s fear.

It is not cute to provoke distress.

It is cruelty framed as humour.

And many adults still fail to recognise it for what it was — emotional harm disguised as “play.”

We see these same dynamics in workplaces today — the nervous-system triggers, the power imbalances, the “jokes,” the minimising, the discomfort used as entertainment. It’s bullying by any other name.

When a Child’s Distress Becomes Entertainment

Another overlooked form of emotional harm is when adults treat a child’s distress as entertainment.

This can look like:

• continuing to tickle a child long after they say “stop,”
  until they cry, panic, or even lose bladder control
• laughing when the child becomes overwhelmed or frightened
• mocking a child for showing emotion during a TV show, film, or advert
  (“You’re getting upset over that?” “Oh, look who’s crying again!”)

Adults often insist it is:

• harmless fun
• just play
• funny
• cute
• “kids being dramatic”

But for the child:

• their “stop” is ignored
• their body boundaries are violated
• their emotions are dismissed
• their fear or overwhelm becomes a joke
• their vulnerability becomes a performance

The message the child absorbs is:

• “My limits don’t matter.”
• “My distress is amusing.”
• “I will be mocked for my emotions.”
• “People laugh at me when I’m overwhelmed.”

Tickling is especially confusing, because the body laughs even when the mind is in panic — and many adults use that as permission to continue.

Mocking emotional reactions to TV or stories teaches a child that emotion is shameful and empathy is something to hide.

This is not sensitivity — it is a child being emotionally exposed instead of emotionally protected.

Public humiliation & body/sexual “jokes”

Many children experienced humiliation in front of peers — sometimes involving sexualised or body-shaming “jokes” about their developing bodies. These incidents left deep embarrassment and confusion.

When an adult comments on a child’s changing body, weight, puberty, or clothing in a mocking or sexual way, it violates their sense of safety and dignity.

The child learns:

• “My body is something to be mocked.”
• “Adults can use my embarrassment for entertainment.”
• “My changes are not safe from scrutiny.”

This wound often lasts decades, affecting confidence, boundaries, and body image.

Shaking or physically overwhelming the child

Shaking may not leave bruises, but it creates profound fear. A child learns they are physically unsafe in the presence of adult anger or loss of control.

Their nervous system records the experience as threat, not discipline.

Withholding freedom after false promises

“Do your chores and then you can go out.”

But once the work is done, the adult denies ever making the agreement.

This teaches the child that fairness doesn’t exist and adults can’t be trusted.

Children are often blamed for things that had nothing to do with them:

• “I’m late because she wouldn’t get ready.”
• “He stressed me out this morning.”

This scapegoating teaches the child they are responsible for adult moods, mistakes, and choices — something no child should carry.

Publicly labelling the child

Children were sometimes described as liars, thieves, or troublemakers — often based on situations engineered against them or misunderstandings never repaired.

These labels become lifelong identities.

Blaming the child for adult arguments or unhappiness

Statements like:

• “We never argued until you came along.”
• “You’re the reason we’re unhappy.”
• “If you behaved better, everything would be fine.”

These messages teach a child to internalise adult conflict as their fault.

It shapes deep patterns of guilt, people-pleasing, and chronic responsibility.

Withholding essentials

Denying sanitary products, toiletries, or other basic needs is not discipline.

It’s a deep violation of safety and dignity.

Denying illness or pain

Many adults from previous generations dismissed illness as:

• attention-seeking
• exaggeration
• “making a fuss”

Some children were left vomiting, dehydrated, or in severe pain before anyone intervened.

This teaches:

• “My needs are inconvenient.”
• “My pain is not believable.”
• “Asking for help is risky.”

These lessons follow people into adulthood.

Threatening to Send the Child Away

Many children grew up genuinely believing they were about to be abandoned. Some adults escalated threats by packing a child’s belongings, putting them in the car, and driving to an unfamiliar location.

Phrases like:

• “We’re taking you to the naughty children’s home.”
• “They’ll look after you now because we can’t.”

…were not “lessons” or “jokes.” They were moments of absolute terror.

Children remember:

• the bags
• the drive
• the building
• the pleading
• the panic in their bodies

Even after returning home, the child remains flooded with fear and confusion.

This teaches:

• “My place in this family is conditional.”
• “Love can be withdrawn at any moment.”
• “If I behave wrong, I will be taken away.”

These threats burrow deep into the nervous system and can shape fear of rejection, people-pleasing, and abandonment for decades.

Using Monsters or “Boogie Man” Threats

Some adults didn’t simply mention the boogie man — they created him.

This often included:

• making noises at night
• hiding under the bed
• scratching at doors
• whispering threats
• creating fear-based rituals

To a child, this isn’t imagination.

It is real.

The child’s nervous system responds as though danger is present.

This teaches:

• “The world is unsafe.”
• “Fear is unpredictable.”
• “Adults will amplify my terror instead of soothing it.”

Instead of learning comfort and protection, the child learns hypervigilance and dread.

The Impact on a Child’s Nervous System

When the adults responsible for safety behave unpredictably or dismissively, the child’s body adapts for survival:

Fight

Anger, frustration, challenging behaviour.

Flight

Withdrawing, hiding, avoiding conflict.

Freeze

Shutting down, dissociating, going numb.

Fawn

People-pleasing, over-apologising, trying to be “good enough.”

These are not personality traits — they are survival strategies.

Children raised this way often grow into adults who:

• struggle to trust themselves
• doubt their intuition
• fear conflict
• override their own needs
• apologise for existing
• avoid asking for help
• don’t know what safety feels like

The body remembers what the environment taught.

How This Passed Through the Generations

Adults who were raised with “seen and not heard” expectations often took one of three paths:

1. Repeating the pattern

Not out of cruelty,

but because they believed:

• “That’s just how you parent.”
• “It didn’t do me any harm.”
• “This is normal.”

The cycle continued unconsciously.

2. Becoming transactional

Some tried to avoid repeating the emotional harshness, but didn’t know how to offer safety or connection.

So they offered:

• gifts
• food
• treats
• trips

Love became expressed through possessions.

Children became outwardly cheerful while hiding deeper unmet needs.

3. Breaking the cycle completely

These are the cycle-breakers — the ones who felt the impact and made a deliberate decision:

“It ends with me.”

They:

• healed
• sought understanding
• learned emotional regulation
• practised compassion
• created safety
• broke patterns
• raised children differently
• supported others to heal

These are the people changing the world quietly but profoundly.

The Children Who Saw It Clearly

Some Children Knew It Was Wrong — Even Then

Not every child in these environments recognised the behaviour as harmful.

But some did.

Some children — even at four, five, six years old — saw the truth with startling clarity.

These children grew up with a sense of internal knowing that something was deeply wrong, even when every adult insisted:

• “It’s just a joke.”
• “Don’t be so sensitive.”
• “You’re imagining it.”
• “All children get treated this way.”

So why did some of us see it instantly?

Because our nervous systems were already attuned to danger and injustice.

We were operating from a heightened state of awareness — a kind of early neuroception that sensed:

• emotional shifts
• power imbalances
• fear in others
• unfairness
• contradiction
• dishonesty masquerading as humour
• the difference between care and control

Some children develop this sensitivity because:

1. They were natural empaths

Highly attuned children feel the emotional temperature in a room instinctively.

Their bodies register distress — even when words say otherwise.

2. They had to protect others (often siblings)

When a younger sibling was frightened, crying, or confused, some children stepped into the protector role.

Their sense of justice became sharpened by necessity.

3. They were already in survival mode

Children who lived in unpredictable homes developed hyperawareness as a form of safety:

• watching adult expressions
• reading micro-shifts in tone
• anticipating danger
• detecting inconsistency
• preparing for emotional storms

This wasn’t “sensitivity.”

It was survival intelligence.

4. They saw beyond performative kindness

Some adults were gentle in public but harsh in private.

Children who noticed this discrepancy quickly learned:

• “Something is off.”
• “People aren’t always who they pretend to be.”
• “What adults say doesn’t match how they act.”

That mismatch is deeply informative to a perceptive child.

5. They had intact moral clarity

Some children simply knew — without being taught — that cruelty was wrong.

Their internal compass was strong, and no amount of denial could dull it.

This heightened awareness shaped who we became

The children who saw the truth often grew into:

• protectors
• cycle-breakers
• advocates
• helpers
• counsellors
• truth-tellers
• deeply compassionate adults
• people who feel injustice viscerally
• people who sense dysregulation in others instantly

Because the nervous system remembers.

Seeing cruelty early doesn’t damage the moral compass — it refines it.

These children grew up with a kind of clarity that many people reach only after decades of healing.

They didn’t just survive the environment.

They understood it.

Even when no one else could.

Even when adults denied it.

Even when speaking the truth got them punished, dismissed, or called “too sensitive.”

But that clarity — that early awareness — is exactly why so many of them move into protective professions, in teaching, emotional support and safeguarding. It is exactly why I teach Social & Emotional Learning (SEL) — it’s not an add-on, it’s an essential life skill for a healthier nervous system, a healthier life, and ultimately a healthier world.

A Common Question People Ask

“If adults passed on these behaviours because they didn’t know any better… then how did I, as a child, know something was wrong when I wasn’t taught anything different?”

This is a powerful and important question.

Some children develop heightened moral clarity and internal truth-recognition precisely because of what they witness.

Their nervous systems become so attuned to fear, contradiction, and injustice that they instinctively sense when something is fundamentally wrong.

They didn’t learn it from adults.

They learned it through:

• observing
• feeling
• surviving
• tuning into emotional reality rather than words

It is not something taught.

It is something felt, deeply and unmistakably.

This intuitive clarity is a sign of a child whose empathy, intelligence, and moral grounding were already strong — despite the environment.

Those Children Are the Real Trauma-Informed Revolution

Real trauma-informed practice didn’t begin in training rooms or policy documents.

It began decades ago in the bodies and hearts of children who recognised harm before anyone explained it.

The ones who saw the truth early — are the real trauma-informed revolution.

Because they:

• lived the impact firsthand
• broke the cycle instinctively
• became protectors and truth-tellers
• developed deep emotional intelligence
• learned to read dysregulation without words
• understand safety because we lived without it
• bring embodied wisdom, not tick-box knowledge
• lead with compassion, not compliance

Trauma-informed isn’t a certificate.

It’s a way of being born from surviving — and transforming — what wasn’t okay.

They didn’t just endure the past.

They turned it into purpose.

Empathy Without Boundaries Is Not Compassion — It’s Self-Abandonment

Empathy is often celebrated, but rarely understood.

What most people don’t realise is this:

Empathy without boundaries is destructive.

Children who grew up scanning rooms, soothing adults, and absorbing distress often grow into deeply empathetic adults — but without the skills or safety to protect themselves.

Unhealed people who learned to manipulate, guilt, or emotionally pull on others will use that empathy against you.

They will drain your:

• energy
• time
• sense of worth
• emotional bandwidth
• self-belief

Not because empathy is wrong — but because they have no boundaries, and therefore you don’t either.

This isn’t harshness.

It isn’t selfishness.

It isn’t “going cold.”

It is self-care, self-worth, and dignity.

Healthy empathy has boundaries.

It feels for others without abandoning self.

It supports connection without sacrificing safety.

Learning this is transformation — the moment empathy stops being a survival strategy and becomes a healthy, grounded, life-enhancing strength.

SEL Isn’t Just a Solution — It’s a Response to Generational Conditions

We talk about teaching Social & Emotional Learning (SEL) to parents, children, workplaces, and services — and it is essential.

SEL builds emotional regulation, empathy, boundaries, and safety in ways that transform lives.

But to truly understand why SEL is needed, we have to step back and ask:

Where did these harmful patterns begin?

What created them in the first place?

We can’t talk about protecting children without also being honest about the conditions that shaped the adults who raised us.

The emotional harm many children experienced didn’t appear in a vacuum.

It was shaped by forces far bigger than the family home:

• War
  Generations returned home carrying trauma, dissociation, and shut-down feelings — emotional numbness mistaken for strength.
• Poverty
  Chronic stress, uncertainty, and survival-mode parenting that leaves no room for emotional softness.
• Injustice and inequality
  Communities living under pressure develop coping mechanisms, not emotional skills.
• Systemic abuse
  Institutions that shamed, silenced, punished, and repressed children and parents alike.
• Cultural norms
  “Children should be seen and not heard.”
  “Crying is weakness.”
  “Don’t answer back.”
  “Respect is obedience.”

These conditions created:

• stressed adults
• dysregulated nervous systems
• emotional shutdown
• generational trauma
• harsh survival strategies
• homes built on fear instead of safety
• the belief that harshness = good parenting

And this is important:

To place the responsibility solely on parents is just more of the same thinking — another loop of the same cycle, another form of victim-blaming disguised as accountability.

Parents can only give what they were given.

Communities can only echo the conditions they were shaped by.

This is why SEL matters so deeply:

SEL didn’t emerge to “fix” people —

it emerged because generations were never given the conditions to emotionally grow.

SEL teaches the life skills many adults never received because their parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents were surviving systems, pressures, wars, expectations, and cultural norms that never allowed emotional safety to flourish.

Understanding this doesn’t excuse harm — but it gives us the compassion and context needed to break the cycle at its roots.

Not Everyone Is Ready to See This Through a Compassionate Lens — and That’s Okay

It’s important to acknowledge that not everyone who lived through these patterns is ready to view them compassionately.

And that is completely okay.

Healing is not linear.

It’s not tidy.

And it isn’t the same for everyone.

Some people are still in the stage where:

• the memories feel raw
• anger is necessary
• the wounds are too deep
• the nervous system is still protecting them
• compassion feels like minimising what happened
• understanding feels like betrayal
• even reading about these dynamics brings up emotion

For many, compassion is the final chapter of healing, not the first.

No one should ever be rushed there.

Every emotional stage — anger, grief, distance, disbelief, clarity — is valid and part of the process.

The goal is not to force forgiveness or understanding.

The goal is to offer space, safety, and recognition so people can heal at their own pace.

When people feel safe enough, compassion often arises naturally — not towards the harm, but towards the human complexity behind it.

Why Adults Behaved This Way (A Compassionate Lens)

Many adults who used harmful behaviours:

• were overwhelmed and unsupported
• repeated what they experienced
• struggled with shame or emotional immaturity
• mistook control for safety
• were never taught empathy
• panicked internally and acted externally
• appeared kind publicly but were exhausted privately
• genuinely didn’t understand the impact

This doesn’t excuse harm.

But it helps explain it — and understanding is how cycles finally end.

Healing Is Real and Happening

Here is the hope:

We are the first generation able to talk openly about this.

We can see the patterns.

We can name them.

We can understand them through the lens of the nervous system.

And most importantly —

we can choose differently.

People are healing.

Parents are learning.

Children are safer.

Communities are becoming more trauma-informed.

Cycles are being broken every day.

Awareness with compassion is powerful.

Truth spoken gently is transformative.

And healing is a journey that many are walking — for themselves, for their families, and for the next generation.

We don’t change the future by blaming the past.

We change it by understanding, growing, and doing better.

And so many people are

What Does a Healthy Childhood Look Like?

After talking about so much of what went wrong for so many of us, it matters deeply to finish by naming what right looks like.

Not perfection.

Not faultless parents.

Just healthy, safe, emotionally attuned care — the kind every child deserves.

A healthy childhood includes:

1. Safety — emotional and physical

A child feels:

• protected
• comforted
• soothed when afraid
• held when hurt
• safe to express any emotion

Safety is the foundation of thriving.

2. Consistency

Children grow strong when adults:

• keep promises
• follow through
• remain predictable
• repair when they get it wrong

Consistency creates trust, and trust creates connection.

3. Boundaries that teach, not punish

Healthy boundaries guide a child, not frighten them.

They sound like:

• “Let’s take a breath.”
• “I won’t let you hurt yourself.”
• “Come sit with me until you feel calmer.”

Boundaries shape security—not fear.

4. Emotional presence

A child needs adults who:

• listen
• validate feelings
• stay calm enough to help
• model emotional regulation
• apologise when needed

Presence teaches children they matter.

5. Freedom to express without shame

Healthy childhoods include:

• laughter
• curiosity
• silliness
• sadness
• big feelings
• questions
• exploration

No child should be mocked or belittled for being human.

6. Encouragement, not comparison

Healthy adults say:

• “I’m proud of you.”
• “Look how hard you tried.”
• “You’re learning.”
• “You’re important.”

The focus is on growth, not perfection.

7. Repair, reconnection, and truth

Every parent gets it wrong sometimes.

Healthy childhoods include:

• apologies
• reconnection
• honesty
• making things right

Repair teaches children that love doesn’t vanish.

8. Space to be a child

A healthy childhood makes room for:

• play
• imagination
• mistakes
• rest
• discovery
• joy

Children should never carry the emotional load of adults.

Healthy childhoods create adults who feel:

• grounded
• secure
• confident
• connected
• worthy
• able to love and be loved
• able to trust and be trusted

This is the vision we move toward when we talk about what went wrong.

Not blame.

Not guilt.

Not shame.

Clarity. Understanding. Healing.

And the commitment to give the next generation what so many of us needed

We are not seeking perfection — life will always bring challenges, obstacles, and moments where we get it wrong.

What we are seeking is kindness, balance, and belonging.

A sense of safety, so the world feels warm and compassionate, not cold and cruel.

And it is important to say this clearly:

It is not weak, soft, naïve, “snowflake,” or pathetic to be kind, gentle, or caring.

Only a dysregulated, defensive nervous system views compassion through that distorted lens.

Regulated adults see kindness for what it truly is:

strength, wisdom, maturity, and emotional leadership.

If we want the world to be a safer place for our children, we must be the ones who model it — in our homes, our communities, and our daily interactions.

Children learn what safety feels like by witnessing it, not by being told about it.

‘The world does not shape our focus. Our focus shapes the world.’ Dr. Joe Dispenza

And when our focus is safety, empathy, truth, and connection, the world transforms — one regulated nervous system at a time.

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by Deborah J Crozier