Curiosity may have killed the cat, but for me, it remains a life-affirming pursuit.
From as far back as I can remember..around the age of 3, I’ve been asking this question Why?
‘Why would someone choose to do that?
“What would motivate that decision?
“How did they arrive at this point? “
“When did they first feel this way? “
“What were they thinking at the time” ..
‘How did it feel when?’
An insatiable appetite for understanding..
Of course, It’s natural to want to make sense of the things that happen in life.. making sense of a situation makes it easier for our minds to accept, thus allowing us to move forward ..
Being curious about others is important, but being curious about self is equally, if not more important.
‘Why do I do that?
‘What makes me behave in this way?’
How do I feel about this? Why do I feel this way?
Where does this belief come from? and on and on until there are no more whys to be answered on that particular question.
When we are curious, it is also important to recognise when we need to step back and separate ourselves from the understanding of why…
It’s very easy when we have an understanding nature, when we care about someone who is rude, unkind or abusive towards us, to try to make sense of why and then on understanding the why, unwittingly excusing and justifying their behaviour.. accepting it and inadvertently allowing it to continue..
‘Oh their parent mistreated them when they were young which is why they behave like this towards me .. they don’t really mean to’..
I spent many years justifying the abusive behaviours of others due to my ‘understanding of why’.. and essentially ‘allowing’ and accepting responsibility for their behaviour towards me, thus allowing it to continue.
It’s too easy to fall into this trap when we care about the other person/s – because we tend to put their thoughts and feelings before our own.
It’s important to remember – regardless of the ‘why’, as adults, every one of us has a duty to understand ourselves and manage our behaviours, recognising when our behaviours negatively impact others…
If a person is able and willing to understand and tolerate our behaviour, it shouldn’t follow that we relinquish all responsibility and accountability, rather it should be seen as an opportunity for connection and work on ourselves supported, to grow and do better..
When we find ourselves in such a situation – understanding the why is important, but separating the why from the bad behaviour is essential…
i.e although i understand why they lose their temper and lash out…
The fact that ‘they lash out’ regardless of why, is what matters – I have a duty to protect myself!
The ‘reason’ is no longer as important, as the fact that they continue with the behaviour..
and we must recognise that this needs to be their journey of self discovery, not ours.
#LivedLearning
#lessonslearned