The Science…
‘Secure attachment creates integration in the brain because communication in relationships early in life have been integrative.
When you have experiences in relationships where honouring of differences & then promoting of compassionate, caring linkages …. those relational connections that are integrated, seem to actually cultivate the growth of integration in the brain in the individuals involved’
(Dr.Dan Siegel. IPNB)
The Lived Experience …
Insecure attachment followed by many years of unwittingly falling into the same old patterns of destructive, often violent, always controlling relationships, where betrayal is expected and heartache is the norm.
Despite the expectation… the impact always landed like a hard hitting baseball bat to the solar plexus, flicking the interior survival thermostat to supercharge, and forcing any hope of trust to escape through the nearest window .. the destruction had began, the inevitable end, although outside of my awareness, was already coming into focus.
Hyper vigilance kicked in, picking up even the slightest whiff of dishonesty. Inner turmoil led to bizarre outer expressions that made sense to no one but the host..
Rage filled excuses and gaslighting led to confusion & disorientation as my internal navigation system struggled to find its footing, attempting to re-navigate & balance itself.
Like a ferris wheel in a fair ground, round and round we go… leaving a trail of shattered dreams, bruised egos and punctured hearts in its wake.
Until… one day, a new relationship … and as the inevitable thermostat flicked to high.. the response to my panicked flirting accusations hit an unfamiliar pause …
‘I’m sorry – I will never intentionally hurt you, I’ll do whatever it takes to regain your trust’ …
Not just words … but felt truth, delivered straight from and to the heart … my body experienced the genuineness in the words being spoken… my eyes witnessed a draining of colour from the cheeks… hurt expressed on behalf of the heart, an expression of remorse.. my ears picked up the familiar echos of fear … my skin felt the warmth in a reassuring touch & instantly my nervous system acknowledged & accepted the truth and calmed to ease …
The internal thermostat that had raged on high for years, for the first time experienced congruence – the language of trust… and reset itself … a shift that would allow space for healing… integration was underway!
( Deborah J Crozier, APS CIC).