Alienation is when a child will reject a parent who they had previously enjoyed a happy and healthy relationship with (Treatment and Prevention of Parental Alienation, n.d.). Alienation is emotional, psychological, insidious child abuse, meant to intentionally damage a child’s relationship with a loving parent (Treatment and Prevention of Parental Alienation, n.d.). Child alienation crosses both gender and socioeconomic lines and is often the result of a separation, where custody of a child comes with financial gain (Treatment and Prevention of Parental Alienation, n.d.). The child’s feelings towards a once loved parent will become enmeshed with the negative view of the alienating parent (Lewis, n.d.). The child is made into a weapon to destroy the other parent and may make up lies about the targeted parent, with no capacity to feel guilt for their behaviour (Lewis, n. d). The child is stuck in a double bind position, having to echo the beliefs and feelings of one parent about the other (Woodall, 2022). As a defence mechanism the child psychologically splits the self, forced to divide their feelings about their parents with one parent being all good and the other all bad (Woodall, 2022).
The family court system rarely separates a child from the alienating parent, making the targeted parent powerless to reunite with their child (www.brunel.ac.uk, n.d.). When a Judge is unwilling to deconstruct the power and control dynamic around the child, it cannot be ensured that the healthy parent holds the power (www.brunel.ac.uk, n.d.). The alienation abuse is often invisible to social workers and teachers and even to family court Judges (Lewis, n.d.). The targeted parent often appears anxious, unbalanced, depressed or angry (Lewis, n.d.). The alienating parent appears more credible composed and relaxed (Lewis, n.d.). Custody assessments are big business profiting from the desperation of parents, pushed by adversarial lawyers, for ruinous custody battles (www.brunel.ac.uk, n.d.). Court motions can be delayed repeatedly, and alienating parents can use lawfare to prolong the distance between the targeted parent and child until they create a new status quo (Klein, 2021). Access supervisors are often pushed by the alienating parent to maintain the separation, so the child continues to feel that the parent is untrustworthy (www.brunel.ac.uk, n.d.). Children are often pressurized to participate in a ‘voice of the child’ report by lawyers and social workers, as if they are somehow respecting the child’s autonomy and wishes (Woodall, 2022). Children are vulnerable to emotional and psychological influence and have no sovereignty over their being (Woodall, 2022). Like a death by a thousand cuts, a parent without any wrongdoing, without even a custody trial can be permanently separated from their child (Karen Woodall, n.d.).
The alienator’s strategy will be to control the narrative and seek allies to help them exploit the alienation of the child, to further disempower and physically separate the targeted parent (Warshak, 2021). Allies for the alienator might be found in the family’s community or school, leaving the targeted parent with no one to turn to for helphildress, 2015). If the targeted parent does not have a support group their loss will not be recognized or supported. There is a stigma attached to the rejected parent making it feel unsafe for them to grieve (Treatment and Prevention of Parental Alienation, n.d.). As a result, the parent will be left without a much-needed support group, during a traumatic time in their lives hildress, 2015). For the rejected parent they will endure stigma, shame and feelings of grief and loss (Warshak, 2021). There is a high suicide rate for rejected parents (Harman, Leder-Elder and Biringen, 2019). Rejected parents have described alienation as experiencing the death of their child without the permission to grieve (Treatment and Prevention of Parental Alienation, n.d.). The result for the child is shame, a lowering of a child’s self-image and a loss of self-respect and the loss of a loving parent (Lewis, n.d.). Most worrying for the child is a learnt familiarity and comfort to be in relationships where they are controlled (Lewis, n.d.). In the most severe cases it is not before the child becomes an adult that they will be able to understand how they have been manipulated and may only then seek out the rejected parent (Childress, 2015). The injustice and dis-empowering of the targeted parent can cause suffering and lasting harm for both the parent and child (Warshak, 2021).
According to the research of Karen Woodall (2022) the core issue in alienation is psychological splitting which is a defence mechanism in the child caused by the relational dynamics around the child. This moves away from parental alienation theory currently used by the adversarial court system, which is more focused on litigation strategies than on the best interests of the child (Woodall, 2022). Treatment of the problem is more important than the diagnosis and the ongoing attempt by experts to pathologize their opinion, using parental alienation theory (Woodall, 2022). Seeing the ruptured relationship as the key to the child’s long term mental health, means that everything must be done to bring the rejected parent and child together to repair the attachment (Woodall, 2022). Children have the right to be loved by both their parents.
Karen Woodall (2017) advises targeted parents, failed by the legal system, to reconceptualize themselves as the healthy parent rather than as the rejected parent. How to do that is to return yourself back into the flow of life and let go of the hatred for your situation so that you can let love back in (Woodall, 2022). Appreciate what you have and care for yourself by not seeing yourself as only alive through the being of your alienated child (Woodall, 2022). Leave a digital footprint for your child to find you and keep reaching out. Live a good life so that your child can look up to you (Woodall, 2022). Do not stay a victim because your child needs you to be their Hero (Admin, 2021). You will always be their parent, and your child needs you to never give up on them or to lose faith in them (Admin, 2021). Unconditional Parental Love is illustrated for us in the biblical story of King Solomon and the baby. The Old Testament story is about two parents who fight over who the real parent is. The king orders that the baby is split in two so that each parent can have a half. The true parent cries out to save the child’s life, prepared to let go of the physical custody of their child. The moral of the story is that true unconditional love has the power to restore your child to you.
References
Admin (2021). Coping & Thriving – VictimToHero.com. [online] Victimtohero.com. Available at: https://victimtohero.com/category/coping-thriving/ [Accessed 17 Nov. 2024].
Childress, A. D. C. (2015, June 9). Wake up! Dr. Craig Childress: Attachment Based “Parental Alienation” (AB-PA). https://drcraigchildressblog.com/2015/06/09/wake-up/
Harman, J.J., Leder-Elder, S. and Biringen, Z. (2019). Prevalence of adults who are the targets of parental alienating behaviors and their impact. Children and Youth Services Review, [online] 106, p.104471. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.childyouth.2019.104471.
Karen Woodall – Psychotherapist, Writer, Researcher, Trainer. (2017). The Unbearable Experience of The Alienated Child: Lessons From The Recovery Journey. [online] Available at: https://karenwoodall.blog/2017/05/20/the-unbearable-experience-of-the-alienated-child-lessons-from-the-recovery-journey/ [Accessed 17 Nov. 2024].
Karen Woodall – Psychotherapist, Writer, Researcher, Trainer. (2022). What is Induced Psychological Splitting and Why Does it Matter? [online] Available at: https://karenwoodall.blog/2022/09/13/what-is-induced-psychological-splitting-and-why-does-it-matter/.
Klein, J. (2021). ‘Women are routinely discredited’: How courts fail mothers and children who have survived abuse. [online] the Guardian. Available at: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/aug/14/courts-fail-mothers-children-abuse.
Lewis, K. (n.d.). Parental Alienation Can Be Emotional Child Abuse. [online] Available at: https://www.ncsc.org/__data/assets/pdf_file/0014/42152/parental_alienation_Lewis.pdf.
Treatment and Prevention of Parental Alienation. (n.d.). Psychiatric Times. https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/treatment-and-prevention-parental-alienation
Warshak, 2021. Parental Alienation’s Tragic Legacy of Shame, Guilt, & Remorse Dr. Richard Warshak September 26, 2021.Warshak.com. https://warshak.com/blog/2021/09/26/parental-alienations-tragic-legacy-of-shame-guilt-remorse/\
www.brunel.ac.uk. (n.d.). ‘Playing the Parental Alienation card’: Abusive parents use the system to gain access to children. [online] Available at: https://www.brunel.ac.uk/news-and-events/news/articles/Playing-the-Parental-Alienation-card-Abusive-parents-use-the-system-to-gain-access-to-children.