Parenting is one of the most important — and most complex — roles we’ll ever take on. It doesn’t come with a manual, and many of us are learning in real time, often while healing from our own past experiences.

If you’ve ever found yourself saying things you didn’t mean or reacting in ways that didn’t feel aligned with your values, you are not alone. Many of us are simply repeating what we heard or experienced as children, without even realising it.

The good news is this: change is possible — and it starts with awareness, not perfection.

This guide isn’t about blame or getting it “right” all the time. It’s about offering new language that helps children feel safe, seen, and supported, especially in moments of challenge. It’s okay if this feels unfamiliar at first. Like any new skill, it takes time, patience, and lots of self-compassion.

You’re not expected to be perfect — just present. Every small shift you make towards connection matters. Every moment of repair, curiosity, or calm presence helps shape your child’s nervous system, and your own.

Let’s explore this together, one gentle step at a time.

This guide offers compassionate, trauma-informed language to support children who are pushing boundaries, expressing needs through behaviour, or struggling with routine tasks. These phrases help create connection, safety, and understanding.

1. When a child isn’t listening to ‘no’

Instead of: “How many times do I have to tell you? I said NO!”

Try:

 “It looks like that ‘no’ felt hard to hear. Do you want to tell me what you were hoping for?”

“I can see you really wanted that. It’s okay to feel disappointed — I’m here with you.”
“Hmm, sounds like your ears heard ‘no’ but your heart wanted ‘yes’ — let’s take a breath together.”

2. When a child doesn’t want to wash hands/face

Instead of: “Stop being difficult — go wash your hands now!”

Try:

 “Is the water too hot or cold? Let’s make it just right together.”
 “Sometimes washing feels annoying, doesn’t it? Want to pick a fun soap or sing a silly hand-washing song together?”
“Can I help you today? Some days our bodies feel more sensitive.”

3. When they resist brushing their teeth properly

Instead of: “Brush them properly or you’ll get bad teeth!”

Try:

 “Teeth brushing can feel boring or tricky — let’s try it together and make it fun.”
“Want to do it side by side and make silly faces in the mirror?”
“Hmm, are your gums sore? It’s okay to tell me — we can find a softer brush if you need.”

4. When rules are ignored or broken

Instead of: “You’re not listening again! Why can’t you just follow the rules?”

Try:

 “Sometimes rules are confusing or feel unfair. Can we talk about what happened together?”
“Looks like something got tricky — want help understanding what the rule was for?”
 “You’re not in trouble — I want to understand what you needed in that moment.”

5. When a child resists bedtime

Instead of: “Enough! Go to bed now or no stories!”

Try:

 “Your body might not feel ready to rest yet — do you want to talk about what’s on your mind?”
 “Bedtime can feel lonely or even a bit scary. I’ll stay close and we can do a wind-down together.”
“Let’s try a calming routine — which helps more: a story or a cuddle first?”

We are all learning — children and grown-ups alike.

It’s important not to judge or criticise ourselves while we learn.
Being kind to ourselves helps our brains feel safe enough to grow.
There’s no such thing as perfect parenting or perfect behaviour — only connection, repair, and trying again.