When Complex Trauma Shapes Our Thinking
It starts as something simple.
A message.
A warm, friendly “Hey, want to grab a coffee?”
But what happens next says far more about trauma than it does about coffee.
The message is read — but not replied to.
The person who sent it begins to feel a ripple of discomfort.
They check their phone again.
Still nothing.
They’ve seen it… Why haven’t they answered?
They must be avoiding me.
Did I do something wrong?
I’ve upset them… again.
They hate me.
Meanwhile, the friend who received the message?
They’re just busy. Cooking, driving, working, or distracted by life.
They smiled at the message — and fully intend to respond when they have a moment.
But the sender doesn’t know that.
Their mind spirals. Their chest tightens. They pace. Ruminate. Replay conversations in their head, trying to spot the moment they messed it all up.
They’re thrown out to sea with no raft — treading water, emotionally overwhelmed, heart pounding with a quiet terror they can’t fully explain.
Eventually, they type a second message:
“I’m sorry if I’ve upset you — I understand.”
Now the friend is confused and on edge.
What are you talking about? I’m just busy. Why would you think that?
Both people are now dysregulated.
Both are reacting from past experiences.
And neither intended to hurt the other.
What’s Really Going On?
The unseen weight of complex trauma and core beliefs!
When someone grows up in an environment where love was conditional, inconsistent, or unsafe, their nervous system wires itself for survival.
They become hyper-attuned to changes in tone, energy, or availability — because in childhood, those changes often signalled danger or abandonment.
This kind of complex trauma shapes deep core beliefs, like:
- I am too much
- I don’t matter
- People always leave
- If I make a mistake, I’ll be rejected
- I have to earn my place in someone’s life
So, when something as simple as a pause or silence happens, it isn’t experienced neutrally —
it activates the entire history of being dismissed, abandoned, or emotionally unsafe.
The body reacts. The mind scrambles for answers.
But the moment isn’t about the coffee anymore — it’s about reliving the past through the lens of the present.
Now there are two realities
- The sender is in emotional panic, experiencing abandonment.
- The receiver is confused, experiencing pressure or guilt.
What started as a simple exchange now feels like conflict or rejection — for both.
We often hear about the importance of self-regulation — but for those with complex trauma, the ability to self-soothe wasn’t developed in early life.
Why?
Because we learn to self-regulate by being co-regulated first.
As children, we need consistent, attuned caregivers to hold us through distress. To say, “You’re OK. I’m here.” To model calm. To help us find our way back to safety.
Without that, we’re left alone with big feelings — often punished or ignored for having them.
So when distress arises in adulthood, we may not have the internal tools — the raft — to stay afloat.
We reach out. We apologise too quickly. We panic.
Not because we’re broken, but because we’re doing what we always had to do to survive.
Self-regulation comes after co-regulation.
It’s learned through safe, attuned relationships — and repeated practice.
🛟 This is where the
TRUST framework comes in
Healing doesn’t mean never getting triggered.
It means noticing what’s happening, and responding in a new way.
TRUST:
Trigger recognition
Reassurance
Understanding
Safety
Truth
How TRUST helps in this moment:
- T – Trigger Recognition
The sender pauses: “This feels intense — is it about now, or am I being reminded of something old?” - R – Reassurance
Instead of spiralling, they ground: “My friend probably hasn’t had time. I am still safe. I can wait.” - U – Understanding
Compassion flows both ways. The sender understands their own wounds. The friend sees the deeper context. - S – Safety
A moment of self-regulation changes the direction. Maybe no second message is sent, or it’s worded differently:
“No worries if you’re busy — just checking in when you’ve got time.” - T – Truth
The imagined story (they’re mad at me) is replaced with reality (they were just busy).
It only takes one person to throw the lifeline!
Whether it’s you or the other — someone’s nervous system has to stay grounded to calm the storm.
But ideally, both people begin to notice the pattern, own their stories, and support safer connection.
This is the work we do through trauma-informed support.
This is why TRUST matters.
TRUST Training by A Positive Start – with Lived Experience Insight…
Because positive outcomes begin with…
A Positive Start.
#TRUST
#TriggerRecognition
#CoreBeliefs
#ComplexTrauma
#RelationalHealing
#TraumaInformedSupport
#SelfAwareness
#EmotionalRegulation
#APositiveStartCIC
#HealthyCommunication
#InnerSafety
#RelationalSafety