It’s easy to label others as narcissistic or manipulative. But what if I told you we’re all on a sliding scale—between people-pleasing on one end and narcissistic traits on the other—and that both ends of this scale reflect incongruence?

They may look different, but they are often fuelled by the same thing: unresolved emotions stored in the body and shaped by survival. Whether we’re constantly trying to keep others happy or blaming everything outside of ourselves, we are not acting from truth—we are acting from protection.

At A Positive Start CIC, we support self-awareness and healing through our RAPPORT framework—a gentle, trauma-informed approach to self-discovery for recovery.

Incongruence at Both Ends

People-pleasing may appear kind or selfless, but when it comes from fear or avoidance, it’s not congruent. It’s a mask.

Narcissistic traits, meanwhile, project blame, deny responsibility, and manipulate through victimhood—another kind of mask.

Both patterns suppress truth, emotions, and responsibility. Both are strategies that often begin in childhood. And both are invitations to heal.

Unresolved Emotions Live in the Body!

We like to think other people “make us feel” certain things. Their behaviour. Their tone. Their choices. But emotional triggers are within us, not outside.

The discomfort lives in the nervous system.

Think of the moment when you mutter, “That stupid bag caught itself on the handle.” That little outburst is familiar for many of us—and it’s a clue. It’s not about the bag. It’s a flash of blame from an overwhelmed system.

Narcissistic traits do the same thing, only more deeply:

  • “You made me act this way.”
  • “You’re too sensitive.”
  • “I’m the one who’s hurt, not you.”

This behaviour avoids internal responsibility. It reacts from pain, not presence. And the truth is: we are all capable of this until we start noticing.

Introducing RAPPORT: Self-Discovery for Recovery

Healing begins when we get curious—not critical—about our reactions. That’s why we use the RAPPORT framework. It’s not a quick fix. It’s a compassionate process of building inner safety, truth, and congruence.

R – Recognise

Notice the pattern. Are you people-pleasing? Are you blaming? Is this moment familiar? Recognition opens the door.

A – Accept

Allow what’s there without judgment. Accepting your emotional response doesn’t mean you agree with it—it means you stop fighting it.

P – Process

Let the feeling move. Breathe. Cry. Talk. Write. Movement. Stillness. Whatever your body needs, let it flow.

P – Practice

Start choosing new ways of responding. It takes time and repetition. Small, consistent shifts matter.

O – Observe

Watch yourself with kindness. Notice when old habits creep in. What helped? What didn’t?

R – Reflect

Ask deeper questions: What was really going on for me? What did I need in that moment? How does this connect to my past?

T – Transform

Transformation isn’t dramatic. It’s subtle, steady, and rooted in truth. It’s choosing congruence over protection, again and again.

The Path to Congruence

We can’t grow out of what we refuse to acknowledge. Blame keeps us stuck. People-pleasing erodes us. But when we start showing up with honesty, fairness, and emotional integrity—we begin to feel safe in our own skin.

No more masks. No more deflection. Just presence.

When we catch ourselves in a blame loop or avoidant pattern, we can pause and say:

“This is mine to feel. This is mine to heal.”

Congruence is the goal—not perfection. When we aim for balance, fairness, truth, and compassion, we know we’re on the right path.