From the moment we are born, our brains are wired with remarkable potential. Dr. Dan Siegel’s Interpersonal Neurobiology reminds us that human beings develop through two kinds of neural pathways:

Experience-Expectant Pathways

These are the “hardwired” pathways we are born with, designed to expect and rely on certain experiences. For example, our brains are primed for language—we expect to hear words, to connect, to be nurtured. Importantly, as children, we are also hardwired to expect care. We anticipate being comforted when we cry, protected when we are frightened, and seen when we express joy.

Experience-Dependent Pathways

These pathways are shaped through what we learn and practice. Think of learning to ride a bike or play the guitar—at first it feels wobbly, unsteady, even impossible. But repetition strengthens those pathways until the skill feels natural. If we never take up cycling or music, those neural resources may be used in different ways.

When Nurture is Missing

When children’s experience-expectant needs for safety, love, and care are not met, those unmet needs don’t simply vanish. They leave echoes in the nervous system.

Instead of learning, “I am safe, I am loved, I am worthy,” many children internalise the opposite message. When caregivers criticise, shame, blame, or humiliate, children—whose very survival depends on attachment—rarely ask, “What’s wrong with my parent?” Instead, they ask, “What’s wrong with me?”

Sometimes this shows up in less obvious but equally impactful ways. For example, if an inexperienced caregiver consistently responds to a crying infant with food—rather than curiosity about what the child might truly need—the child learns to associate distress with eating, rather than being soothed, comforted, or understood. Fast forward into adulthood, and that same nervous system pattern can surface as someone standing in front of the fridge, not actually hungry but feeling unsettled and thinking: “I don’t know what I need.”

Over time, these repeated experiences strengthen neural pathways of self-criticism and self-doubt, while weakening the pathways of self-compassion and self-worth. This can manifest later in life as:

  • Self-loathing
  • Lack of confidence
  • Chronic self-doubt
  • The tendency to compare ourselves with others and wear a persona—a mask of confidence without inner substance

Mimicking What Looks Like “Normal”

Many people move through life mimicking what they believe is “normal” in others. They copy the behaviours, mannerisms, or confidence of those around them without having developed an inner sense of safety or self-worth. This isn’t true resilience—it’s survival. On the surface, they may appear confident, successful, or in control, but underneath there is often a fragile nervous system still searching for regulation, belonging, and authenticity. What looks like confidence is sometimes just a mask—an attempt to fit in when the inner story still whispers, “I am not enough.”

The Hope of Neuroplasticity

Here’s the good news: the brain is not fixed. Neuroplasticity is the lifelong ability of the brain to grow, change, and rewire itself. Just as negative experiences strengthened self-critical pathways, repetition of positive, self-affirming experiences can strengthen new pathways of self-worth.

Simple, consistent practices—such as guided affirmations (“I am worthy,” “I am enough,” “I am safe”)—might feel uncomfortable at first, just like those first wobbly pedals on a bike. But with repetition, these affirmations begin to “take root” in the nervous system. Over time, the brain learns to default to kindness instead of criticism.

From Survival to Thriving

When our nervous system is stuck in survival (constantly scanning for threat, whether real or perceived), we cannot easily learn, connect, or grow. But as we nurture new neural pathways of self-compassion, we move more often into the state of ventral vagal safety—a place where we feel safe, grounded, and capable of thriving.

This isn’t about pretending everything is fine or ignoring the pain of generational trauma. It’s about rewiring the way we speak to ourselves, so that the echoes of unmet needs are no longer louder than the truth of our inherent worth.

This is the Work We Do at A Positive Start CIC

At A Positive Start CIC, this understanding sits at the heart of everything we do. We support people who have lived through trauma to reconnect with their nervous systems, rebuild pathways of safety, and discover new ways of relating to themselves and others.

Through our Reconnect & Regulate workshops, STAND – Parents as Protectors programme, and the River Room Songbook for children, we use trauma-informed approaches to:

  • Help people notice the stories they tell themselves
  • Strengthen self-worth through repetition, connection, and compassion
  • Provide safe, supportive spaces where healing and growth can take place
  • Break cycles of generational trauma by offering new, healthier patterns of care and connection

We believe that change is possible at any stage of life. With the right knowledge, support, and practices, we can all learn to give ourselves the compassion we deserved from the beginning—and pass that healing forward.

Neuroplasticity shows us that it is never too late. At A Positive Start CIC, we walk alongside individuals, families, and communities to help them rewrite their inner stories, one compassionate step at a time.

by Deborah J Crozier

Founder & Lived Experience Practitioner at A Positive Start CIC