Last night, during our CBT group for anxiety, we watched a short video showing common situations that can trigger anxious thoughts — like public speaking. The narrator offered examples of typical worries: “I might forget my words… I might embarrass myself… people will see I’m nervous and judge me.”

The suggested solutions were reframes: “It’s okay to be nervous, lots of people are… the more I talk the less people will notice… the more I practice, the better I’ll get.”

All useful strategies. But I couldn’t help noticing something important was missing — something that made all the difference for me personally in overcoming years of struggle with public speaking, even to the point of vasovagal syncope (fainting).

That missing piece? Telling the truth.

If we’re reframing our anxious thoughts with statements like “most people get nervous about public speaking” or “it’s okay to feel this way,” then what’s wrong with actually saying that out loud? While we are teaching people to reframe, why not also teach truth-telling? If it’s true — and it usually is — sharing it removes the pressure to pretend. Instead of battling with ourselves in silence, we let others in on the reality of our experience. That simple act of honesty dismantles the fear of being “found out” and replaces it with connection and understanding.

Why Masking Keeps Us Trapped

So much advice around anxiety encourages us to mask what we’re really experiencing. We’re told to “manage it,” “hide it,” or “reframe it” until it goes away. But in my experience, masking fuels anxiety. It adds another layer of fear: the hope that “no one will notice.”

Instead of helping, it creates pressure. We’re performing “okay-ness” on the outside while our nervous system is still convinced there’s an invisible lion in the room.

The Shift That Changed Everything

For me, the quickest and most effective way to remove the fear of speaking wasn’t hiding — it was honesty.

I began opening with the truth:

  • “Speaking in front of people has been so difficult for me that I’ve fainted from fear.”
  • “Although I know I’m among friends who aren’t here to attack me, my protective brain still scans the room for danger.”
  • “Before I continue, could we take a moment to breathe together? Co-regulation helps me settle, and I’d appreciate your support.”

What happens in that moment is extraordinary. The fear of being judged dissolves, because I’ve already explained what’s happening. People understand. And instead of feeling alone in my anxiety, I feel connected.

Co-Regulation Before Self-Regulation

Neuroscience helps us understand why this works. Regulation doesn’t always start inside us — often, it starts between us.

When I invite others to breathe with me, we co-regulate. That shared rhythm brings safety to the nervous system. From there, self-regulation becomes possible.

This approach transforms public speaking from a battle with my body into an honest exchange of energy and understanding.

Anxiety Meets Authenticity

The truth is, nerves are human. Admitting them doesn’t make us weak — it makes us real. And real is where connection happens.

Rather than hoping no one notices, we can reframe our anxiety through authenticity:

  • “It’s okay to be nervous.”
  • “It’s okay to tell the truth about it.”
  • “It’s okay to ask for support.”

That shift doesn’t just ease anxiety — it builds resilience, trust, and genuine connection.

Final Thought

If anxiety has been holding you back, try experimenting with honesty. In safe situations, name what’s happening for you. Ask for a moment to breathe together. You may find, as I did, that the weight of hiding is far heavier than the weight of truth.

Authenticity doesn’t just quiet the fear of being judged — it creates the safety and compassion we need to grow.