Self-abandonment often begins quietly. It’s the small moments where we silence our truth to keep the peace, where we say “yes” when every part of us longs to say “no.” It can look like:
- Allowing others to decide for us, even when we feel uneasy.
- Walking away from relationships, not because they’re unsafe, but because we didn’t feel safe enough to speak up.
- Carrying resentment instead of voicing our needs.
At first, these choices may feel protective. But over time, they disconnect us from ourselves. Instead of guarding our wellbeing with clear boundaries, we protect others’ comfort at the expense of our own. This is self-abandonment.
The Cost of Being Out of Alignment
When we abandon ourselves — going against our values, wishes, or choices — we create an internal split. We may tell ourselves we are keeping the peace, but inside, a very different story unfolds.
Self-abandonment breeds dis-ease, resentment, and anger. Our nervous system feels the impact, shifting into dysregulation because we are living out of alignment with who we truly are.
What looks like compliance on the outside is conflict on the inside. And over time, this inner conflict erodes our health, our relationships, and our sense of self.
The Wound of Being Abandoned by Others
Self-abandonment isn’t the only wound we carry. There is also the pain of being abandoned by others — when those who should protect, respect, or stand with us instead turn away.
This can take the form of:
- Injustice, where systems fail to act fairly.
- Betrayal, when people we trust dismiss or minimise our truth.
- Exclusion, when our needs or rights are consistently overlooked.
Abandonment by others strikes deeply at our sense of safety and belonging. It tells our nervous system: you are not safe, you are not seen, you are not supported.
Just like self-abandonment, this can lead to dysregulation — cycles of fear, anger, and despair. Injustice is not just an external issue; it becomes an internal burden, one the body and mind must carry.
The Myth of “Either/Or” Rights
Many people grow up believing that for one person to have their rights, another must lose theirs.
- “If you set a boundary, you’re being controlling.”
- “If you disagree, you’re against me.”
- “If you say no, you’re rejecting me.”
This either/or thinking isn’t truth — it’s fear.
The reality is, rights are not finite. Your right to rest doesn’t erase my right to work. My right to say no doesn’t cancel your right to ask.
Healthy relating begins with recognising that both truths can coexist.
When Choice is Overridden
At the heart of abuse lies one simple dynamic: one person’s choice is overridden by another’s.
- Overriding a no is a violation.
- Demanding surrender for connection creates harm.
- Insisting that one person’s safety or comfort matters more undermines trust at its core.
When we believe our rights automatically outweigh someone else’s, we step into imbalance — and that imbalance corrodes relationship.
When Protection is One-Sided
Sometimes systems, families, or conversations tilt so that one person becomes protected while the other remains exposed.
- The loudest voice sets the tone while others fall silent.
- Organisations prioritise their image instead of those harmed.
- Families tiptoe around one member’s comfort while ignoring the pain of another.
In these moments, the unprotected person learns: your voice, your needs, your safety do not matter. This normalises self-abandonment and fuels cycles of harm.
Making Room Without Surrender
Boundaries are not walls; they are doorways with a lock.
They allow connection and safety. They let us stand in our truth without erasing someone else’s. They remind us that self-respect is not cruelty.
And when others will not — or cannot — respect our boundaries or our rights? We stand firm, with dignity. We remain grounded in our truth, even if it means stepping back.
Saying No is Not Cruelty
Saying no to someone does not make a person unkind or cruel. If someone senses another may be unsafe or harmful in any way, it is their right to put in a boundary and protect themselves.
And in that decision, their opinion matters most.
- Whether the other person believes they are safe does not outweigh someone’s felt sense of safety.
- Other people’s opinions about what they “should” tolerate are irrelevant.
Each of us has the right to decide what is safe for ourselves — because we are the ones who must rely on our own judgement and boundaries to safeguard our wellbeing.
When people lack boundaries themselves, they often struggle to respect the boundaries of others. They may imagine they can demand, harass, or threaten their way past them. But that behaviour is not evidence the boundary was unnecessary — it is proof that the boundary was essential.
Boundaries are not rejection. They are protection — of safety, dignity, and peace.
Protected Characteristics and Boundaries
Sometimes, when we stand our ground or put in a boundary, people may respond by pointing to “protected characteristics.” It can feel like we’re being accused of discrimination simply for saying no or honouring our own needs.
It’s important to understand what this really means.
What Protected Characteristics Are
In UK law (Equality Act 2010), protected characteristics are specific categories — such as age, disability, race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation — where it is unlawful to treat someone unfairly because of who they are. These protections are vital. They exist to ensure dignity, equality, and fairness.
What They Are Not
But having a protected characteristic does not override another person’s rights, boundaries, or choices.
- A boundary is not discrimination.
- Respecting yourself is not unfairness.
- Saying no does not mean denying someone else’s humanity.
Protected characteristics ensure equality — they are not a tool for erasing someone else’s autonomy.
Rights and Balance
My right to hold a boundary can exist alongside your right to dignity.
Your right to fairness does not mean I must abandon myself.
True respect makes room for both.
At its heart, this is about balance: creating a world where all people are protected, but no one is erased. Boundaries and rights are not enemies — they are companions. And the foundation of healthy connection is honouring both.
When Empathy Gets Weaponised
Empathy is a strength, but it can be misused. Too often, we are told that to be “good,” “kind,” or “compassionate,” we must tolerate harm, overlook red flags, or silence our own needs.
In these moments, empathy is weaponised against us. It becomes a tool for manipulation, where our care for others is used to make us abandon ourselves.
But here’s the truth:
- Empathy without boundaries excuses harm.
- Boundaries without empathy create hardness.
- Together, empathy and boundaries create safety.
When we are accepting of ourselves, when we approve of who we are and what we need, we can stand tall and say no — and mean it. Not with cruelty, but with clarity. Not with fear, but with confidence.
And in that moment, guilt and shame lose their grip.
Empathy + Boundaries Coexist
A common fear is that if we set boundaries — or even choose to exclude someone from our lives — we must harden our hearts and switch off empathy. But that’s not true.
Empathy is our capacity to understand another person’s feelings or situation. Boundaries are how we protect our own. These are not opposites — they can live side by side.
- I can understand why you act the way you do… and still decide your behaviour is not safe for me.
- I can care about your struggle… and still say “no” when your actions hurt me.
- I can wish you well… and still step back if being close means abandoning myself.
Excluding someone from our life doesn’t mean we lose compassion. It means we’ve recognised that connection without safety is too costly.
The shift is this:
- We don’t need to stop feeling.
- We don’t need to abandon our empathy.
- What we do need is to stop abandoning ourselves.
True empathy includes ourselves in the circle of care.
The Invitation
We can make room for others without surrendering ourselves.
We can honour our rights while honouring theirs.
We can stay connected without abandoning our truth.
Because a healthy relationship is never built on erasure or surrender — it’s built on respect, dignity, and the space for both voices to stand.