Understanding How Disconnection Shapes Behaviour, Narcissism, and Harm
When we begin to recognise dysregulation in ourselves, we start to see it everywhere — in others, in relationships, in workplaces, and within the very systems that shape society.
What begins as an individual survival response — a nervous system doing its best to stay safe — can, without awareness, evolve into something far more destructive when fear and disconnection are left unhealed.
This is the pathway from dysregulation to narcissism, and, at its extreme, to evil — the absence of empathy and the enjoyment of another’s suffering.
From Safety to Survival: How Fear Changes Us
In my last blog, Through the Windows of the Nervous System, I explored how our inner state shapes how we see the world:
- Ventral (Harmony) — the state of connection, safety, and compassion.
- Survival (Chaos) — the state of fear, control, and self-protection.
- Dorsal (Collapse) — the state of hopelessness, shutdown, and despair.
Most people move between these states throughout life — dysregulated, yet still capable of care.
But when fear becomes a person’s foundation — when safety is never known — the nervous system hardens. Empathy fades. Control replaces connection. Power becomes protection.
What begins as survival can grow into a need for dominance.
And this is where narcissistic energy begins to form.
The Push-Pull of Narcissistic Supply
Narcissistic dynamics are fuelled by control and dependency — the constant pull for validation and power.
Those trapped in this state feed on emotional energy — positive or negative. Attention equals existence.
When connection is only experienced through control, others are not seen as people, but as suppliers of self-worth.
The push-pull dynamic emerges:
- Idealise → Devalue → Discard → Repeat.
- Love bomb → Withdraw → Manipulate → Punish.
This cycle gives the narcissistic system the illusion of control and superiority. Yet beneath it lies the same truth as any trauma response — a terrified, disconnected self, incapable of true intimacy.
At the extreme end of this spectrum lies sadism — the enjoyment of pain, humiliation, or suffering in others.
This is evil in its purest form: the inversion of empathy.
Where compassion once protected connection, cruelty now protects power.
The Neurobiology of Disconnection
According to Dr Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, when safety is lost, the body moves from connection (ventral) into defence (sympathetic) or collapse (dorsal).
If this remains unresolved, the nervous system rewires itself for control, not compassion.
Dr Daniel Siegel’s Interpersonal Neurobiology reminds us that healthy human minds integrate empathy, emotion, and reason.
When integration breaks down — whether through trauma, neglect, or abuse — the result is fragmentation.
This fragmentation explains why narcissistic and psychopathic individuals can appear calm and logical while inflicting harm. They are disconnected from their own pain — and therefore disconnected from the pain of others.
Their nervous system no longer signals “this is wrong.”
Their power becomes their regulation.
Control becomes their calm.
When Systems Mirror Trauma
When unhealed individuals build and run systems, the systems themselves become dysregulated.
Fear-based leadership mirrors the fight response — controlling, punishing, dominating.
Collapse-based systems mirror dorsal shutdown — ignoring, neglecting, and abandoning.
And narcissistic systems mirror both — manipulative, image-obsessed, self-serving, and detached from truth.
These systems gaslight, silence, and scapegoat.
They defend reputation, not people.
They reward compliance over conscience.
They are addicted to power — and power, to them, is survival.
This is how institutions — created to protect — end up perpetuating the very trauma they were designed to prevent.
The Descent from Dysregulation to Evil
When fear turns to control, and control to cruelty, humanity is lost.
The descent can be traced as:
- Survival: Fear, scarcity, defensiveness, self-focus.
- Narcissism: Control, manipulation, lack of empathy, self-inflation.
- Psychosis: Detachment from reality, projection, delusion.
- Evil: Conscious or unconscious delight in another’s pain.
Evil is not simply the absence of good — it is the perversion of connection.
It is when pain becomes entertainment.
When lies become strategy.
When suffering becomes acceptable.
And when systems are run by those in these states, the harm spreads — cascading through society, breaking hearts, spirits, and lives.
The Role of Truth and Boundaries
The antidote to evil is not hatred — it’s truth.
Truth anchors us in reality. It ends the gaslight. It exposes manipulation.
Boundaries are how we protect that truth.
They are not punishments — they are protection from further harm.
When we hold boundaries rooted in compassion and clarity, we stop participating in the energy exchange that fuels narcissistic systems.
We stop being supply.
We step out of fear.
We return to truth.
Truth brings light.
Boundaries hold it steady.
A Call to Awareness
We are living through a time where dysregulation has become normalised — in politics, leadership, media, and relationships.
We see fear disguised as power, manipulation masquerading as authority, and cruelty justified as control.
But humanity was never meant to operate in survival mode.
We were built for connection, truth, and love.
Evil only thrives when people stop feeling, stop thinking, and stop questioning.
Healing begins when we dare to see what’s really driving behaviour — fear, pain, and profound disconnection.
The deepest evidence of humanity lost is found in the abuse and exploitation of children. When adults harm or neglect a child — physically, emotionally, or systemically — they have lost touch with their own humanity. It is the ultimate manifestation of evil: the powerful preying on the powerless, feeding off innocence instead of protecting it. This is not strength. It is disconnection so profound that empathy no longer exists. Healing our world begins with protecting our children and confronting the systems and individuals that fail to do so.
When we no longer value life, we lose ourselves. When we stop respecting or upholding the rights and choices of others, the very essence of humanity begins to erode. When the miracle of life is dismissed as a burden, when greed replaces gratitude, and when morality is traded for convenience or power, we step into darkness. When people become collateral damage — replaceable, disposable, dehumanised — it is time for the world to stop and take a long, honest look at itself.
We are here, right now. Living in a moment where our collective nervous system mirrors the chaos and disconnection we see around us. This is our opportunity — perhaps our last — to remember what it means to be human.
The Way Back to Humanity
Every act of truth-telling, every healthy boundary, every moment of co-regulation and compassion — these are how we reclaim humanity.
The world changes when people become conscious of the states they live and lead from.
When they recognise that empathy is not weakness — it’s power.
And that love — not domination — is the highest form of strength.
Because a regulated world will not need to control, destroy, or dehumanise.
It will simply understand.
Humanity heals when we remember that love is not weakness, and truth is not attack. When we meet fear with compassion, and greed with grace, we begin to rise. We do not need to agree to come together — we only need to care. The world changes the moment we choose connection over control, kindness over cruelty, and courage over silence.