The Inconsistencies in What We Teach – How Adult Behaviour Contradicts the Values We Impart to Children
We tell children to “treat others as you want to be treated.” We emphasise the importance of respect, empathy, and kindness. Yet, when it comes to how adults treat children, our actions often tell a very different story. The lessons we claim to teach are undermined by our own contradictions, leaving children confused, disempowered, and sometimes traumatised.
Respect – The Lesson We Preach but Fail to Practice
“To get respect, you must give respect” — a mantra many of us teach children. But what happens in practice? Adults shout at children, interrupt them, issue demands, and control their every move. When a child tells the truth, they may be accused of lying without evidence. Children learn quickly that respect is not a two-way street; it’s something demanded of them but rarely reciprocated.
Instead of modelling respect, adults often model dominance. We assert our authority through volume, coercion, and control, all while expecting children to remain calm, respectful, and obedient. Imagine the confusion this creates for a child. If respect is earned through actions, then what have adults done to earn theirs?
Bodily Autonomy – The Right We Champion but Rarely Grant
We teach children that their bodies belong to them. We tell them they have a right to personal space, that no one is allowed to touch them without consent. But what happens when a child asks for space and is told, “No, you’re staying right here until you calm down”? What happens when adults dictate what children eat, wear, or how they express themselves?
Children are often stripped of autonomy in the name of “what’s best for them.” They’re told to sit still when their bodies need to move, to eat food they dislike, and to wear clothes that feel uncomfortable. Their voices are silenced, their choices overridden, and their ability to assert control over their own lives is diminished. Then, we wonder why they struggle with self-regulation as they grow.
If we want children to believe in bodily autonomy, we have to embody that principle ourselves. This means listening to their boundaries, giving them choices where possible, and allowing them to assert control over their small world in developmentally appropriate ways.
Listening – A One-Way Street?
We ask children to “listen when I’m talking to you,” but how often do adults listen in return? Children have thoughts, ideas, and feelings that are just as valid as adults’. Yet, they are frequently dismissed with phrases like, “Because I said so,” or “You’re too young to understand.”
This double standard sends a clear message: Adults matter, children don’t. When children learn that no one is really listening to them, they stop sharing. They bottle up their thoughts, disengage from conversation, and may even start lashing out to be heard. This is the beginning of disconnection.
If we want children to listen, we must model what good listening looks like. It means pausing to hear them out, asking clarifying questions, and acknowledging their feelings, even if we can’t always meet their requests.
Bullying – The Cycle We Perpetuate
When children bully each other, adults step in swiftly with punishments, lectures, and consequences. But when adults bully children — through yelling, public shaming, controlling, or intimidating — it’s often justified as “discipline” or “teaching them a lesson.”
Bullying is defined as the use of power to intimidate or control another. By this definition, much of what passes for “adult authority” in schools, homes, and institutions is indistinguishable from bullying. Adults who feel the need to control, dominate, or punish children are often reacting to their own unresolved feelings of frustration, inadequacy, or fear. Instead of reflecting on their emotional state, they project that discomfort onto the child.
This cycle becomes dangerous when children begin to see bullying as a legitimate way to exert power. They learn that, just like adults, they can shout, control, and dominate those with less power — and it works. We wonder why bullying persists, but perhaps it’s because we’ve modelled it too well.
The Old Ways – Outdated Beliefs That Still Linger
For generations, children were seen as subordinate to adults in every way. The old adage “children should be seen and not heard” shaped how children were viewed in the home, school, and society. Children were expected to honour their parents, obey without question, and accept that their opinions carried no weight. Baby care advice once encouraged parents to let infants “cry it out” rather than comfort them, and discipline often took the form of physical punishment under the justification of “spare the rod, spoil the child.”
Today, we know that these approaches cause harm. Studies have shown that ignoring a baby’s cries disrupts attachment and emotional development, and physical punishment is linked to increased aggression, anxiety, and mental health struggles later in life. Yet, remnants of this thinking still permeate modern parenting and education. The belief that children must “do as they’re told” without question is still common, as is the notion that strict control is necessary for discipline.
Is society still stuck in this mindset? In many ways, yes. While there is greater awareness of child development, trauma, and the importance of empathy, the echoes of these outdated beliefs are still present in parenting books, school policies, and everyday interactions between adults and children. Unlearning this thinking requires a shift in how we view children — not as subordinates to control, but as human beings deserving of the same dignity, compassion, and respect we expect for ourselves.
Fear and Stress – Why Stressed Brains Don’t Learn
Many of us can vividly recall a teacher we were afraid of — one who humiliated students, shouted, or punished harshly. I know first hand how being publicly humiliated by a teacher can have lasting consequences. For most people, these experiences were not just unpleasant; they were learning dead zones. Fear shuts down the brain’s ability to process new information. When we are in a state of stress or fear, our “fight, flight, or freeze” response is activated, and the parts of the brain responsible for reasoning, problem-solving, and memory shut down.
Instead of engaging with the lesson, children in fear become focused on survival. Their nervous systems are on high alert, scanning for the next threat. It’s no wonder so many people “hated school” or “didn’t learn anything” in certain classes. The presence of fear — from harsh punishments, humiliating remarks, or unpredictable adult behaviour — creates a toxic environment for learning.
Learning should be a pleasurable, curiosity-driven experience. Children learn best when they feel safe, supported, and connected. But when adults rely on control, fear, and shame to “teach lessons,” they create barriers to learning that can last a lifetime. Children who experience fear-based education may carry those feelings into adulthood, believing that learning is something to be endured, not enjoyed.
If we want children to thrive academically and emotionally, we must move away from fear-based control and towards environments where children feel safe to explore, ask questions, and make mistakes without judgment.
The Trauma Trap – When History Shapes the Present
When a child has been bullied, abused, or neglected in the past, their nervous system stays on high alert. Their reactions aren’t just about “this moment” — they’re about every past moment where they felt unsafe, unheard, or out of control. This is how trauma works: it rewires the brain to anticipate threats everywhere.
But rather than recognising this, adults often misinterpret these reactions as “bad behaviour” or “defiance.” A child who lashes out is seen as a problem to be fixed, not as a person in pain. Adults respond with more rules, more control, more consequences — intensifying the child’s sense of powerlessness. This dynamic triggers more stress for both sides. Adults feel burned out, children feel overwhelmed, and the environment becomes toxic.
This is where trauma-informed care is essential. Trauma-informed practice recognises that behaviour is communication. A dysregulated child isn’t “choosing” to misbehave; they’re responding to a nervous system that feels unsafe. Instead of reacting with punishment, adults need to create safety, offer co-regulation, and provide predictable environments where children feel seen, heard, and valued.
The Way Forward – A Call for Consistency and Compassion
If we want children to learn respect, autonomy, empathy, and self-regulation, then adults must live those values first. Children do not learn from lectures; they learn from experience. If they experience disrespect, their lesson is clear. If they experience control, they learn to control others. If they experience blame, they internalise it or pass it on.
A trauma-informed approach can break this cycle. Here’s what that could look like:
Respect is mutual – Model the respect you want to see. Apologize when you’re wrong. Speak calmly.
Bodily autonomy is honoured – Offer choices where possible. Respect personal space. Listen to children’s “no” when it’s safe to do so.
Listening is reciprocal – Take a breath. Let them finish. Respond with curiosity, not dismissal.
Bullying is addressed at all levels – Reflect on adult behaviour as much as children’s. Challenge systems of dominance, not just playground scuffles.
Trauma is acknowledged, not punished: See beyond the “behaviour” to the root cause. Focus on connection before correction.
If we are serious about raising emotionally intelligent, self-aware, and compassionate young people, then we need to confront the inconsistencies in our own behaviour. Children are watching. They are learning how to be human from us. We have to ask ourselves: What are we teaching them? and just as importantly- Why? What’s happening inside of us that leads us to believe we have the right to control others?
For more information, Ask us about our ‘Supporting Regulation In Schools’ Framework developed with Lived Experience insight, by visiting the contact page on our website.