There’s a common phrase that goes “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”, but the sad truth is…..betrayal rarely – if at all – comes from an enemy.
It’s the people who say they love you who are more capable of hurting and betraying you than any enemy you may have, in my experience.
My first toxic relationship was with my mother! The very woman who gave birth to me spent almost my entire life tormenting me with verbal, physical and emotional abuse. The loving words i was raised with and heard so often it still sticks clearly in my head to this day. “You fat, ugly, good for nothing Smithy little bastard”. Can’t you just feel the love ooze from such a comment! I could never understand what I did so wrong to make her seemingly hate me so much simply for loving my dad when she no longer wanted him. In my school years, I remember the day I got my report card home from school. I handed it to her in the kitchen, not too worried about it because yes i was a chatterbox at school and a bit of a daydreamer but i knew the report wouldn’t be a bad one as such. She didn’t even open it! She took it off me, ripped it in half and put it straight into the bin saying, “there’s no point even reading that, no doubt it will be shit anyway”. Yet another kick in the gut to enforce her words that i wasn’t good enough…at anything!
I played hockey for 4 years during high school and every Saturday we had a game on, most other players would have their parents there watching and supporting them but not once did i ever have anyone standing on the sideline cheering me on. Not even when we got through to tournaments. No encouragement, no support, nothing! When my periods came, now we are talking about the early 90’s so sanitary towels were not the most comfortable of things to wear back then so I started using my mum’s Tampax instead. When she realised, all hell broke loose! I was called a slut, a dirty little whore and a few other choice words to the point my step dad jumped in and told her she was being way too harsh and out of order. Not that she bothered about that. Now I really am just giving a rough outline on what I had to deal with where my mother was concerned and to add insult to injury….my sister seemed to enjoy watching me be kicked down which leads me to my second toxic relationship…my sister!
She was only 18 months older than me but we had anything but a healthy relationship and certainly not the usual sister relationship…ever. I always figured that it was my very existence that bothered her as being the 2nd born, I must have just knocked her nose out of joint simply by being born. As kids, she was always finding ways to upset me, get me into trouble and tell lies about me all the while laughing at how pathetic i was because i cried a lot…is it any wonder?? I also began thinking that she did it to score points with my mum because it seemed they both enjoyed belittling me. I had asthma as a child and she once put a cushion over my face and kept it there til I was gasping for breath and then just laughed at me when she knew I was OK.
When I started smoking, more influenced by the fact both my parents, grandparents and other relatives we were around also smoked and less to do with any peers. My sister had found out about it and couldn’t wait to go tell my mum. I got home from hockey training one afternoon and as i got to the top of the stairs, mum grabbed me by the hair…as she did often…and dragged me up the hallway, kicking and beating into me all the while my sister was stood at her bedroom door grinning and smirking at me like she had won a victory. The torment was ongoing and it became clear the older I got that I had actually built a resilience against them and rather than break down to the pathetic little piece of crap they wanted me to be, I slowly started detaching myself from them. I started spending more time with my friends and less time at home. I remember my mum once said she didn’t know where I got my confidence from which I always found entertaining as she had tried her hardest to beat it out of me.
It was not long after my 17th birthday she kicked me out after being brought home by the police late at night…drunk! I’m more inclined to believe that was the night she knew she wouldn’t get away with abusing me as easily any more as it was probably the first time I stood up to her. I wasn’t aggressive or abusive towards her, but I did tell her if she was going to keep treating me like a 2 year old I’d keep acting like one. I walked out the house at that point and she packed my stuff and that was it. My drunk bravery must have scared her and from that point on….i was no longer useful to her or welcome in her house. I was no longer an easy target now that I had stood up to her. She told my siblings i had been off my face on drugs and if she caught them talking to me that they would be out the door too. I stood behind her in the queue in a shop one day, she looked me up and down like I was something she just stepped in then turned her back like she didn’t even know who i was.
So, taking all this into account. Guess who then went on to have toxic relationships as an adult until i changed my thinking and realised my worth. It took me until i turned 40 to really believe in myself but i got there. When toxicity is all you have been familiar with, it’s inevitable that you will find yourself in unhealthy relationships or false friendships because it has been drummed into your subconscious that it’s all you are worthy of and therefore you believe that you have to do what is expected from others just to keep them happy. If your own mother says you are a worthless piece of shit and deserve to be treated as such it must be right. Right??
WRONG!! What I grew to understand was that I was never deserving of that treatment, not from anyone. The reality is….parents are only the previous generation of kids who grew up to have their own kids, many of whom are still holding onto unresolved issues from their own childhood making it very common that they would then inflict similar pain onto their own children. They don’t automatically gain a right as a parent to belittle or manipulate a child because they have unresolved issues of their own and they are in fact the ones who have shame to bear, not us. It is in realising this, we can start healing from our past and make sure history doesn’t repeat itself with our own kids. Parents are protectors after all.
It is only once we realise our worth, set our boundaries and start the journey of healing that we no longer tolerate the things we once used to. No longer do we feel the need to find validation from the outside world to feel good. Realising that we have given ourselves too freely to people who could see our “neediness” and took full advantage of us in our vulnerable times. Then we begin to understand that where we have come from does not define where we are going.
The biggest challenge in this part of healing is the solitude we face. Breaking away from the familiar faces and situations we become so used to, it is almost like moving to a whole new country and starting again on foreign soil. After spending many years looking for comfort and short term pleasures in the wrong people/partners/friends, being on our own is a very daunting thought. However, it is such a beautiful transition we face in that time. Learning to love and understand ourselves, knowing who we actually are, realising we are already everything we wish we could be, it’s just hidden under layers of negative self talk and years of low self esteem. Break through that and you uncover a whole new person who has been patiently waiting for their time to shine. It is in each and every one of us to find in our own time and in a way that works best for yourself….but you will…because you want to and where there’s a will, there is always a way!
Heal in such a way that the toxic relationships and people you once attracted, no longer take interest in you because your boundaries become clear and non negotiable. Some people may try to come back into your life but that’s just so they can pull you back down again as they want you to be available for their needs rather than them acknowledging your own. Of course, they then call you crazy when you say no thanks but that’s a reflection of who they are. Growth can be intimidating to those who aren’t ready to face or recognise their own shortcomings. To watch someone overcome their trauma and go on to live a happy life should be something the people around them applaud. Rest assured, if they mock, challenge or undermine your efforts, they are already seeing your potential and it scares them. Never set yourself on fire just to keep others warm.
We don’t come through this thinking we are better than anyone, We just realise our worth and that we are capable of more than what we could achieve while being in certain companies or environments. I simply outgrew my old life and am fully focused on what lies ahead rather than what I left behind.
By Sharon Paxton