When we meet someone who is struggling — whether with trauma, neurodivergence, or life’s many challenges — the way we respond matters.

Compassion, empathy, and kindness create safety.

Judgement, criticism, and harshness create fear.

When we feel judged or criticised, our internal defences activate. For people who have experienced complex trauma, these defences often come from a place of survival. They are not a conscious choice — they are an automatic nervous system response.

These reactions can shut us down, block trust, and make moving forward feel impossible.

Self-Compassion: The Bridge Through the Barriers

One of the most powerful tools in healing is self-compassion. It helps us move through shame, fear, and self-criticism. It reminds us that our worth is not dependent on perfection or performance.

Unfortunately, some people mistake compassion for weakness. They believe punishment — or the fear of punishment — is the most effective way to change behaviour. But this is simply not true for everyone. Human beings respond differently. Complex trauma survivors, neurodivergent individuals, and many others often do not respond positively to fear-based approaches.

The Fear of Being ‘Too Kind’

There’s a common worry: “If I’m too kind and compassionate, people will take advantage of me.”

And yes, in the early stages of healing, someone with trauma might push boundaries — not because they are manipulative or disrespectful, but because safety and trust are new to them.

This is where boundaries come in.

We can be compassionate and still be clear. We can be kind and still have limits. The key is to lead by example:

  • Stay respectful, supportive, and congruent.
  • Communicate in a clear, fair, and honest way.
  • Address harmful behaviour without shaming the person.
  • Model what healthy boundaries look like.

Regulation Comes First

We can only do this effectively if we ourselves are regulated.

A dysregulated adult cannot help regulate another dysregulated person — whether that’s a child, a partner, a client, or a colleague.

Self-awareness is essential.

Knowing when we are reactive, stressed, or overwhelmed means we can take a step back, regulate, and return with clarity. The difference lies in how we step back — not with hostility, avoidance, or coldness, but with honest communication that maintains connection.

Recognising the Small Steps

Healing is rarely instant.

Every small step counts — and must be recognised.

The more compassion and understanding a person receives, the safer they feel.

For someone experiencing safety for the first time, it can feel like the constant low-level buzzing of anxiety — like the hum of a fridge freezer — suddenly switches off. The panic quietens. The adrenaline eases. The body feels still.

In that stillness, hope emerges — often for the very first time.

The safer we feel, the more open we become.

The more open we become, the more we grow.

And it all begins with compassion, empathy, and understanding.

Based on my own experience of healing — this is what I learned: when compassion is paired with healthy boundaries, safety builds, trust deepens, and transformation follows.

As Carl Rogers put it, healing relationships are built on:

  • Congruence – being real and authentic.
  • Unconditional Positive Regard – valuing someone for who they are, without conditions.
  • Empathic Understanding – truly seeking to understand the other person’s world.

Compassion is not weakness.

It is strength.

It is leadership.

And it is the soil in which healing takes root.