I recently shared a post about being labelled “furthest from the labour market” — a term that, like many labels, carried more weight than just the words themselves.
At the time, I didn’t realise how deeply that label would trigger core beliefs about not being good enough. It’s not just the label, but the emotional charge it brings — it’s an echo of a much older story: You’re not good enough. Never were. Never will be.
What I’ve come to understand is that when your nervous system is stuck in survival mode, your inner critic becomes louder, sharper, and more destructive. From a dorsal vagal state, that critic morphs into something much more sinister: an inner terrorist. It’s relentless — you’re worthless, you’ll never make it, you don’t belong. In this state, the evidence of inadequacy seems to appear everywhere, confirming everything the inner critic says.
But here’s the crucial point — none of this is actually about being “disordered”. It’s about being dysregulated.
When we’re able to shift into a ventral vagal state — a place of calm connection and balance — those destructive inner narratives fade away. What takes their place is a more balanced, compassionate system. Instead of a voice of harsh judgment, I now have an internal compass that calmly assesses every perspective, resolving conflict swiftly and peacefully. In this state, I no longer carry the weight of “not good enough” — I understand that I am enough, and always have been.
This shift isn’t a magic fix. It’s a process of self-regulation and nervous system awareness. It’s about understanding that we aren’t defined by labels or the voices of our inner critics. We are not broken. We are not “furthest from the labour market.” We are simply human, with our own unique needs for safety, connection, and healing.
When we begin to understand and regulate our nervous system, we unlock a profound ability to move beyond those old, destructive stories. We learn that we are capable of far more than we thought, and that the labels we once believed define us don’t have the power to hold us back anymore.
Understanding the different states of the nervous system can significantly impact how we interpret and respond to behaviour- particularly children’s behaviour, especially in settings like schools or during conflict resolution.
When a child is in a ventral vagal state, they are calm, connected, and able to engage in problem-solving. In this state, they can process both positive and negative emotions in a balanced way, which allows them to navigate conflicts with a sense of equilibrium. They’re more open to listening, empathizing, and resolving disputes through communication.
However, when a child shifts into a sympathetic state — the fight-or-flight response — their behaviour often becomes reactive. In this state, they may lash out (fight) or withdraw (flee), unable to engage in rational problem-solving. Their thinking becomes clouded by the urgency of the perceived threat, and the ability to calmly resolve conflicts is compromised. In this moment, the focus is survival — protecting themselves from the emotional or physical distress they’re experiencing.
If the child enters a dorsal vagal state, they may appear withdrawn or shut down. This is the “freeze” response, where they feel overwhelmed by the situation and are unable to respond at all. In this state, negative thoughts dominate, and the child may feel hopeless, powerless, or disconnected from the situation or others.
By recognising these states, we can shift our approach. Instead of viewing a child’s behaviour as “bad” or “disruptive,” we can see it as a response to their nervous system being dysregulated. For example, a child acting out in class might not be “misbehaving,” but instead reacting from a sympathetic state where their stress has triggered a fight-or-flight response. Similarly, a child who is shutting down or withdrawing may be overwhelmed and stuck in a dorsal state.
This understanding allows us to offer more effective and compassionate responses. In conflict resolution, for example, instead of trying to engage when a child is in a sympathetic or dorsal state, we can first help them regulate their nervous system, bring them back to a ventral state, and then address the issue calmly and collaboratively.
When we support children in regulating their nervous system, we can guide them toward healthier responses, fostering better emotional regulation, conflict resolution skills, and ultimately creating a safer, more understanding environment for them to thrive.
In short, the ventral vagal state allows for balance, where both positive and negative can be processed, while the sympathetic state focuses on reacting to perceived threats, and the dorsal vagal state reflects the collapse or shutdown when overwhelmed by negative emotions.