In 2 places at once

I recently sat with someone, a relative stranger, someone offering to collaborate and connect in the joint purpose and pursuit of protection and awareness. We talked about my story, a few parts of my life experience, about grooming rings and the need for inquiries and greater understanding.

I told my story, directly, honestly with an awareness that it was an uncomfortable topic but in full knowledge of the importance of these conversations.

This was done in a safe, considered and respectful manner. An opportunity that I am grateful for and one that holds hope.

In the hours afterwards, once home, fed and rested I felt the balancing within. The balance of my mind, emotions, thoughts in reflection being reached by being in 2 places at the same time.

I was nervous, but not scared.

I was excited but not anxious

I was at ease yet alert

Then I relaxed into it. I know my truth, I know what happened, I know the world I lived in and how it operates, I know its impact. All I didn’t know was how this would go, how I’d word things, how I’d come across, how I’d be interpreted or understood.

Knowledge and unknown at the same time.

My body relaxed. Words came though with heart and truth. Memories flashed but didn’t have control over me. Authentic control of self in a new situation.

My aim and purpose coexisting with uncertainty and newness.

Afterwards the expected physical sensations ran through me, queasiness, a bit wobbly, deep breaths, but they passed quickly.

The voices of old still muttered in my memories but they were contained, muffled, put the side for now.

A feeling of authenticity and pride emerged, unexpectedly. I was happy with what we had accomplished and with what I had said. Still surprised that I’d said it, that I’d taken that leap of faith and courage, but happy that I had.

For decades this was not possible. For reasons of safety then, the environments and connections, the world I lived in internally and externally would never have allowed space or ability to speak up. I was then locked in by rings, exploitation, fear and harm.

My mind locked in one space by terror and numbness. By reinforced experiences and expectations. By disconnection and pain.

Here I was moving to a new place, a new sense of being, leaving the old one behind bit by bit. One foot still there sometimes but able to balance the two realities.

The fear and the courage. The despair turning to hope. The memories and the goals. The doubt and the certainty. The gratitude and the regret. The uneasiness and the new foundation. The shame and the grace. The guilt and the forgiveness. The anger and the grief. The emptiness and new abundance. The confusion and the direction.

For many years I’d lived in many places at once. The school child who loved adventure stories and walking in nature who also faced abuse and harm.

The youth who craved connection, wanted fun, had dreams, who was at the same time being violently abused and groomed. The one who worked normal jobs, played the role of bar staff, office admin, shop assistant and bar manager at the same time selling themselves to “clients”, exploited in a hidden world. Hidden yet in plain sight. The one who was the family member, the friend, the loved one, the confidant and pal who was also terrified of people, with good reason.

My body would freeze as my mind raced, or vice versa.

Yet nowadays I’m talking instead of remaining silent.

I’m showing up for myself instead of locking myself away.

I’m pausing. Releasing and reflecting instead of reacting and resisting.

I’m hoping instead of constantly dreading.

I’m allowing the iffy, nervy, heavy times to exist, to feel them and honour them, though it’s not easy at all.

I’m looking forward instead of just always getting through the day.

I’m at peace more than not.

Being in 2 places at the same time is okay as long as you know where you are and you know the way home. To you.