I’ve locked you out long enough
Kept you away
Trying to keep you safe
Warm, nowhere near my cold heart
I’ve locked that door
triple locked and dead bolted it so many times
Combination locks where only I know the code
Secure and safe
Safe from me
The me who let you down
The me who failed you
The me who let them hurt you
The me who sits alone
The me who was better off alone
The me who needs to say sorry
but can’t find the words
The me who was scared of feeling
The me who preferred being numb
The me who didn’t stop them
The me who didn’t say a word
Little me, young me, child me, teenage and 20 something me, adulting 30s me, running 30s and 40s me, free but lost 40s me, I kept you all out.
Existing in the future, unsteady in the present.
Convincing myself I was doing the right thing pushing you away, pushing you down, dismissing, avoiding, turning away. Keeping you locked away, separated by love and guilt
But you still come back.
Even after all these years, after all this pain. You knock on the doors, try the lock. Wait patiently until I answer.
The I who never stopped loving you
The I who is tired of running, tired of hiding
From you. From I
The I who has aged but not where it matters
The I who will welcome you home
The I who still held your innocence and light without realising
The I who never truly let you go
You are all me and I am all you.
We are I
Opening those doors hurts.
But it’s a pain I can weather and wear. I can welcome and gently embrace.
I will be okay. I’m safe now. You are safe now.
I have the keys, long hidden but never lost.
So now I’ll open the doors
Inch by inch
Letting the light back in.
Letting the love back in.
I’ll open the doors
Not just to the pain we all know
But to the softness, care and hope
we thought we’d locked out too
To the magic of togetherness
United
Reunited
Padlocks unlocked
Deadbolts released
Combinations disclosed
Access approved
Come home
It’s safe
An earlier realisation:
Hello again
My younger self visited me today.
Out of the blue yet not totally unexpected.
No special reason, no invitation sent.
An average day, quiet, unhurried, drifting.
Doing the usual things, tv, dishes, scrolling, ticking off tasks. In the midst of rest, they came to say hello.
I thought I’d lost them.
I thought the pain took them away.
I thought my guilt was from their rightful blame.
I thought they’d gone forever
They sat with me for a little while. Their energy felt like waves. Surges of grief and pain followed by swirling joy and lightness.
I remembered their hope, their love of words even with the worst ones being used against them.
I remembered their friendship with nature, animals, pets, garden birds and the trees.
I remembered their creative spark, the hours spent colouring in, writing poems, collages of scrap paper, making castles from boxes and laughter from confusion.
I remembered the love they held for treasured souls, for the family and friends they held close and protected in their heart.
I remembered their light.
I hope they visit again.