For years, I was trapped in a cycle I couldn’t escape. Not because I didn’t want to, but because my nervous system had locked me in survival mode.
Why? Because an abuser tried to end my life & almost succeeded.
I couldn’t get away. My body did what it was designed to do—it tried to fight, then to flee, but when neither was possible, it shut down. I lost consciousness. My body played possum.
When I came to—thanks to my attacker being disturbed—everything felt numb. I was frozen in shock, unable to move or process what had happened. My nervous system had activated its final survival strategy: dorsal collapse. I was heavy, tearful, but emotionless. Just existing.
Then, after a couple of weeks, something shifted. My body began to thaw, and the last thing I had been doing before the attack returned with force—I was running.
Only now, I wasn’t waiting for an attack to begin. My hypervigilant brain had locked onto the external world, scanning for danger in everything. Every disagreement, every frown, every sign of disapproval became a threat.
My brain filled in the blanks:
“Don’t wait to be killed, Deborah. That person looks angry—RUN.”
Different faces. Different places. But the same response. I ran. And I kept running.
This is what trauma does when the body doesn’t get to complete its natural cycle of fight or flight. When survival energy gets trapped, it doesn’t just disappear—it waits. It adapts. It finds new ways to keep you ‘safe,’ even when the threat is no longer there.
I can assure you that on my journey from then and for years, I had symptoms consistent with what many label as disorders. But with understanding trauma and doing the work, I have no ‘disorders,’ no symptoms I can’t manage. I wasn’t disordered—I was stuck in survival mode.
But living in a constant state of hypervigilance isn’t living at all.
I consider the behaviour of the perpetrator to be disordered and the systems that let him away with it – not the victim. That individual was willing to end the life of a young mother due to his own trauma. People who behave in this way, projecting their rage onto others, need support to heal. These are outer expressions of inner turmoil.
trauma. People who behave in this way, projecting their rage onto others, need support to heal. These are outer expressions of inner turmoil.
Recovery isn’t just about understanding trauma—it’s about rewiring the nervous system, teaching the body that it is safe to stay. And that’s the hardest, most important work of all.
#Trauma #PTSR #Hypervigilance #SurvivalResponse #HealingJourney