There’s a moment we’ve all felt but can’t always explain — when something feels off.
The words sound calm, kind, even loving, yet something inside contracts. Your stomach tightens, your breath shortens, and your body whispers, something isn’t right.
That moment is the experience of incongruence — when what’s being said doesn’t match what’s being felt or communicated energetically. It’s the mismatch between words and truth.
For those who have experienced trauma, abuse, gaslighting, coercion or manipulation, incongruence isn’t subtle — it’s a familiar language. It’s a quiet tension between what’s presented to the world and what’s actually happening behind the mask.
The Hidden Language of Double Talk
Abuse doesn’t always arrive through shouting or visible aggression. It often hides behind charm, politeness or seemingly caring words. The most manipulative form is double talk — words that sound harmless to everyone else, but carry a private, coded meaning that only the victim understands.
This is what makes emotional abuse so invisible. Perpetrators often master the art of incongruent communication. They say one thing, mean another, and rely on the confusion that follows to maintain control.
In the same room, one person may hear reassurance, while another — the target — feels dread. It’s the tone, the pause, the emphasis, the glance — the invisible layers of communication that only those attuned through experience can detect.
Trying to explain it is a bit like trying to nail jelly to the wall — it’s slippery and difficult to manage. The words don’t quite fit the feeling, and yet the body knows. Survivors often end up doubting their own perception, not because they’re wrong, but because the experience itself defies logic. It can’t always be proven — but it can always be felt.
Complex Trauma: When the Confusion Begins in Childhood
For many, the experience of incongruence doesn’t start in adulthood — it begins in childhood, in homes filled with emotional unpredictability, addiction, violence or neglect.
Growing up in a toxic or abusive environment means living with contradictions.
A parent may say, “I love you”, but deliver it with rage or withdrawal.
A caregiver may promise protection, yet be the source of fear.
When a child is blamed for the adult’s emotional chaos — told things like,
- “Look what you made me do.”
- “It’s your fault we argue.”
- “We were fine until you came along.”
— the result is a deep and lasting wound to the developing self.
A child’s brain is still forming. They don’t have the ability to separate a parent’s emotional instability from their own worth. So they internalise the blame. They decide, “It must be me.”
Over time, these experiences shape core beliefs:
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m unlovable.”
“I ruin everything.”
“If I’m perfect, maybe they’ll love me.”
As adults, these early beliefs become the silent drivers of behaviour.
Some grow into self-loathing, self-harm, or an overactive inner critic.
Others mask the pain behind perfectionism, success, or control — building impressive external lives that hide an internal emptiness.
There’s a deep longing to feel enough, but the self remains fractured. What’s missing isn’t achievement — it’s connection. The sense of safety and belonging that should have been nurtured in childhood.
When incongruence was the language of your early home, learning to trust your emotions as an adult can feel impossible. You learned to survive by doubting your own perception. Healing begins the moment you start to trust it again.
Self-Soothing in Children: A Controversial but Important Conversation
One of the hardest but necessary areas to address is how children in traumatic or coercive environments may develop self-soothing behaviours — including through masturbation or genital stimulation.
This is delicate territory. On one hand, some professionals assert that many sexual offenders begin their trajectory in childhood, even as early as age 7 or 8. On the other hand, we have to distinguish between healthy curiosity and trauma-driven self-regulation — and resist labelling children as “perpetrators in waiting.”
Here’s how to think about it carefully: What self-soothing might look like
When a child lives in chronic stress, fear or emotional neglect, their body and nervous system may seek ways to release tension, calm themselves, and produce soothing neurochemical responses. Masturbation is one possible route — the body’s release of oxytocin and endorphins can momentarily ease distress.
Other self-soothing behaviours might include:
- Thumb sucking or finger sucking
- Rocking or swaying
- Hair twirling or skin picking
- Pressing or rubbing certain body parts
- Trancing, repetitive movement or rocking
- Fantasies, daydreaming or dissociative drift
These are adaptive responses in a child whose regulation system has been under threat. In many cases, they are not indicators of pathology, but survival strategies.
What the research says (and what remains uncertain)
- Childhood masturbation and gratification syndrome: Studies refer to childhood gratification syndrome, in which self-stimulatory behaviour may appear early in life, sometimes even infancy.
- Emotional deprivation: In some clinical literature, early masturbation has been associated with emotional deprivation, where children seek self-stimulation partly as a buffer against stress.
- Sexual behavior challenges: The “Virtual Lab School” curriculum notes that children under traumatic stress or neglect may display sexual behaviour challenges, including using self-stimulation to self-soothe.
- Caveats:
• Many children engage in occasional genital exploration or stimulation as a normal developmental process.
• Not all children who self-stimulate or show early sexual behaviour go on to become abusers. In fact, most children with sexual behavior problems do not develop into adult offenders.
• The presence of these behaviours is not in itself proof of abuse or pathology — context, frequency, coercion, harm, and differentiation matter deeply.
Because the science is complex and evolving, it’s wise to treat this not as a certainty but as a hypothesis — worthy of open discussion, careful observation, trauma sensitivity, and respect for the child’s experience.
The risk of labelling too early
When professionals jump to label children as future perpetrators, especially in contexts of abuse or coercion, they risk re-traumatizing the child further — isolating them, imposing shame, and silencing their survival. A child who already feels unsafe may internalize such labels as fate, compounding their suffering.
Often the more compassionate, trauma-informed move is to see such behaviours as signs of distress, not destiny, and to offer support, boundaries, containment, and therapeutic healing rather than condemnation.
Feeling Energy: When Words Don’t Match the Vibe
For trauma survivors, sensing energy isn’t imagination — it’s instinct. The body becomes an instrument finely tuned to danger.
This sensitivity develops through neuroception — the nervous system’s unconscious ability to detect safety or threat before the mind can rationalise it.
We start to recognise incongruence in countless ways:
- The message that says, “I’m proud of you,” but feels dismissive.
- The apology that avoids accountability.
- The “joke” that lands like an insult.
- The friendly text that stirs anxiety.
We learn to read between the lines, not only in spoken words but in written ones too. The energy beneath the sentence often tells the story more honestly than the words themselves.
But this attunement can be exhausting — especially when past trauma hasn’t been processed. Our nervous system can misfire, reacting to old threats in new situations. The challenge then becomes learning to discern:
Is this feeling coming from a memory, or is it a message from the present moment?
Learning to Pause: The STAND Framework
Awareness begins the journey from reactivity to clarity. The STAND framework — Stop, Think, Act, Never Doubt — offers a grounded way to pause and listen to our inner world before reacting. We teach STAND in our ‘parents as protectors’ workshops.
- Stop: Notice what’s happening inside. Is your heart racing? Is your breath shallow? Something in you is speaking — pause to hear it.
- Think: Reflect gently. What just happened? Is your reaction about now, or is it reminding you of then?
- Act: Respond consciously rather than react impulsively. Sometimes the wisest action is no action at all — simply observing.
- Never Doubt: Trust your body’s wisdom. Even if the situation feels confusing, your emotions are messengers. They’re asking to be understood, not silenced.
This practice helps us rebuild trust in ourselves — the trust that was once eroded by manipulation, gaslighting, or invalidation.
CUE and TRUST: Creating Safety in Relationship
When working with survivors of trauma and abuse, safety isn’t created through rules or policies — it’s created through presence.
Carl Rogers, the founder of the person-centred approach, understood this deeply. His core conditions form the foundation of every safe, healing relationship:
CUE – Congruence, Unconditional Positive Regard, and Empathic Understanding.
- Congruence means authenticity. It’s when our words, tone and energy align. Clients sense when we are real — and that sense of honesty creates trust.
- Unconditional Positive Regard is the offer of acceptance without judgment. It says, “You are worthy of care exactly as you are.”
- Empathic Understanding means truly feeling with another — not fixing, not analysing, but understanding their experience from within their frame of reference.
When these conditions are present, the nervous system recognises safety. This is where healing happens.
Alongside CUE sits TRUST, an equally powerful guide for creating emotional safety:
- T – Trigger recognition: Noticing what activates fear, shame or defensiveness — in both ourselves and others.
- R – Reassurance: Offering consistency, calm tone, and warmth to remind the nervous system that it’s safe.
- U – Understanding: Deep listening — validating what is felt and acknowledging that it makes sense.
- S – Safety: Prioritising regulation over reaction, presence over performance.
- T – Truth: Speaking honestly, even when it’s uncomfortable, because truth builds the foundation of genuine connection.
Together, CUE and TRUST create environments where survivors can begin to relax, explore, and heal — spaces where they are no longer managed, but met.
Building Safe Environments — From Counselling Rooms to Classrooms to Workplaces
When emotional safety becomes the foundation of how we relate — everything changes.
In schools, when children feel seen, heard and valued, learning becomes possible. Without safety, the brain shifts into survival mode — and no one learns when the brain is offline.
In workplaces, when people feel emotionally safe, productivity rises. Teams communicate more openly, creativity flows, and wellbeing improves. Emotional safety doesn’t weaken professionalism — it strengthens it.
In communities, when we interact with compassion and awareness, we reduce reactivity, increase empathy, and begin to build the kind of collective resilience that changes lives.
Because emotional intelligence — the ability to understand and manage our own emotions while responding to others with empathy — truly is the highest form of intelligence. It is the foundation of humanity, healing and growth.
Holding the Light of Truth
Every emotion we experience — even shame, anger, or fear — is protective in nature. They exist to keep us safe.
When we learn to tame the ego, and stop fearing rejection, embarrassment, or humiliation, we make room for growth.
Healing starts with holding the light of truth to ourselves — not to expose, but to illuminate.
It starts with self-awareness.
It starts when we stop abandoning our inner knowing and start standing with it.
Because when words and energy finally align, safety returns.
And when safety returns, truth flows freely.
References & Further Reading
Crozier, D. J. (2014).
STAND Framework – Stop, Think, Act, Never Doubt.
Developed by Deborah J. Crozier, Founder of A Positive Start CIC, as a trauma-informed approach supporting self-awareness, emotional regulation, and conscious decision-making for survivors of trauma and abuse.
Crozier, D. J. (2019).
TRUST Framework – Trigger Recognition, Reassurance, Understanding, Safety, Truth.
Created by Deborah J. Crozier as a trauma-informed model for building emotional safety and authentic connection in therapeutic, educational, and professional relationships.
Crozier, D. J. (2019).
CUE Acronym – Congruence, Unconditional Positive Regard, Empathic Understanding.
A contemporary adaptation of Carl Rogers’ Core Conditions, developed by Deborah J. Crozier to enhance accessibility and promote trauma-informed awareness in modern practice.
HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
Sexual Behaviors in Young Children: What’s Normal, What’s Not.
A clear, parent-friendly explanation of normal childhood sexual exploration, curiosity, and self-stimulation, including guidance on when to seek help.
National Center on the Sexual Behavior of Youth (NCSBY)
Children with Sexual Behavior Problems: Common Misconceptions vs. Current Findings.
Summarises research showing that most children who exhibit sexual behaviour problems do not become sexual offenders in adulthood, challenging harmful early labelling.
National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN)
Understanding and Coping with Sexual Behavior Problems in Children.
Provides trauma-informed context for children’s sexual behaviour, explaining how early abuse, neglect, or exposure to violence can affect emotional and behavioural development.
🔗 https://www.nctsn.org/resources/understanding-and-coping-sexual-behavior-problems-children
Virtual Lab School (U.S. Department of Defense Education Activity)
Sexual Development and Behavior in Children and Youth.
Professional training material explaining that children’s sexualised behaviour can arise from self-soothing, trauma exposure, or normal curiosity — and how to respond appropriately.
Alnajjar, H. F., et al. (2024).
Childhood Gratification Syndrome: Demystifying Masturbation in Young Children.
Published on PubMed Central (PMC). Reviews evidence on self-stimulation as a normal developmental and self-regulatory behaviour in children, sometimes mistaken for pathology.
🔗 https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11293787/
Khatoon, S., & Singh, A. (2011).
Childhood Masturbation: Clinical and Psychodynamic Considerations.
Explores masturbation as a self-soothing mechanism in emotionally deprived children, offering psychoanalytic and developmental insight.
🔗 https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2994165/
Porges, S. W. (2011).
The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation.
A key scientific framework for understanding neuroception — the body’s unconscious ability to detect safety or threat — foundational to trauma-informed practice.
🔗 https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203837713
Rogers, C. R. (1957).
The Necessary and Sufficient Conditions of Therapeutic Personality Change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), 95–103.
The original paper articulating the person-centred core conditions — Congruence, Unconditional Positive Regard, and Empathic Understanding — which underpin psychological safety and growth.
🔗 https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/h0045357
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014).
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.
A foundational text on how trauma lives in the body, disrupts regulation, and how healing occurs through awareness, connection and safety.
🔗 https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/316795/the-body-keeps-the-score-by-bessel-van-der-kolk-md/
Siegel, D. J. (2010).
Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation.
Explores how self-awareness and integration between brain and body foster emotional regulation, empathy and resilience — essential for creating safe environments.
🔗 https://www.drdansiegel.com/books/mindsight/
Note:
These references are provided for educational and reflective purposes. They are not a substitute for professional supervision, training or medical guidance. All sources are drawn from recognised psychological, clinical or educational research.