The word narcissist has become one of the most overused labels of our time. Scroll through social media or listen to conversations and it doesn’t take long before someone is accused of being one. It’s a word often thrown like a dart—sharp, loaded, and designed to stick.

But what happens when the very behaviours we condemn in others are the same ones we practise ourselves?

What Projection Really Means

Projection is the psychological process of disowning uncomfortable feelings or traits within ourselves and attributing them to someone else. It’s a very human defence mechanism—we all do it. But when projection becomes a habit, it blinds us to the role we play in our relationships and keeps us stuck in cycles of blame.

Consider the behaviours often attributed to so-called “narcissists”:

  • Being rude, passive-aggressive, or dismissive.
  • Minimising the feelings of others.
  • Expecting constant understanding and forgiveness.
  • Making demands and becoming angry when needs aren’t met.
  • Overriding boundaries or personal choices.
  • Judging, criticising, or using sarcasm as armour.
  • Asking for advice while secretly believing we know best.

Uncomfortable as it is to admit, most of us have displayed these behaviours at some point. The problem isn’t that we sometimes slip into them—the problem is when we refuse to take accountability, pointing the finger outwards instead: “They’re the narcissist, not me.”

And so the cycle repeats. When someone suggests we might be projecting, the response is often defensiveness—self-pity, guilt-tripping, or manipulation—anything but reflection.

Unseen Currents: Behaviour Beneath the Surface

Why do we find it so hard to see our own patterns?

Because much of our behaviour is shaped outside of conscious awareness. Trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk describes how people become “expert at ignoring their gut feelings and numbing awareness of what is played out inside.” In neuroscience, studies suggest that up to 95% of our brain’s activity is unconscious—meaning most of our thoughts, impulses, and reactions happen beneath the surface.

We may feel the anger, rage, or hurt inside us—but the way it leaks out through our tone, words, or behaviour often sits in a blind spot. These blind spots make projection almost inevitable, because it feels easier to see the problem in someone else than to look within.

The Swinging Scale of Behaviour

In truth, we are all on a scale, swinging between different forms of incongruence. Sometimes we tip towards narcissistic-style behaviours—self-protective, critical, or dismissive. Other times we swing the other way, towards people-pleasing—over-accommodating, self-erasing, or overly compliant.

Neither extreme brings balance. Both are protective strategies, often rooted in early survival responses.

The real work is to notice the swing within ourselves. To pause before accusing someone else of being “the problem” and ask:

  • Am I showing any of these behaviours myself right now?
  • What feelings am I struggling to face that I’d rather project outward?
  • What might accountability look like in this moment?

The Inversion: When Projection Turns Inward

Projection doesn’t always look like blaming others. Sometimes it flips inward. Instead of calling everyone else the problem, people make themselves the problem — but not in a way that brings growth.

You’ve probably seen it: someone insists everything is their fault, openly declaring their own brokenness or worthlessness. On the surface, it looks like accountability. But often, it’s something different. It’s a way of staying stuck — of drowning in self-hatred, guilt, or shame without ever moving towards change.

This inversion is another form of avoidance. By making it all about “I’m just a terrible person” or “It’s all my fault,” the real work of self-examination gets bypassed. Nothing shifts, because self-blame is being used as another protective shield — a way to gain sympathy, silence criticism, or avoid the discomfort of honest reflection and responsibility.

True accountability isn’t about hating ourselves. It’s about recognising where our behaviours hurt others, and then doing something different.

Finding the Centre

At the centre of this scale sits balance—the place where empathy, compassion, kindness, justice, honesty, and understanding live.

It’s not about perfection. It’s about awareness. It’s about recognising that while projection is human, accountability is healing. When we stop throwing labels and start owning our shadows, we create space for real connection—with ourselves and with others.

Because the truth is, calling someone a narcissist doesn’t make us less so. But choosing empathy, compassion, and self-reflection—that is what breaks the cycle.

Why Self-Compassion Comes First

And this is why we always begin with self-compassion and awareness. Without compassion, self-reflection can easily spiral into self-hatred. But with compassion, we create the safety to look at ourselves honestly.

If even the suggestion of checking ourselves causes deep pain, fear, panic, anxiety, anger, or denial—if our instinct is to avoid, shut down, defend, or deflect—that in itself is worth noticing. Those are signs that something inside us has been activated.

It’s important to remember: triggers live inside us, not in the other person. While someone may spark them, the intensity of the reaction belongs to our own nervous system, our own history.

The invitation, then, is not to judge ourselves but to get curious. To ask:

  • What am I feeling right now?
  • Why is this so uncomfortable?
  • What does this reaction reveal about my own wounds or needs?

Because understanding the what and why of those feelings is the path towards healing. Awareness, paired with compassion, is how we stop projecting outward or collapsing inward—and instead, find the steady ground of balance.

When we start from compassion, awareness becomes liberating instead of crushing. We can admit our flaws without being defined by them. We can see our protective patterns without shame. And most importantly, we can move towards balance — where empathy, kindness, honesty, and justice sit at the centre.

Because the goal is never to be flawless or perfect. The goal is to be human with awareness. And self-compassion is what makes that possible.

In Closing: 

Projection can feel like a mirror we want to smash, but if we dare to look into it with honesty, we may just see the path back to balance staring right back at us.