The Foundations
Humans are biologically hardwired to receive care and attention from their caregivers to ensure survival. Like other mammals, human infants rely on their caregivers to meet basic needs such as nourishment, comfort, and safety. For example, when a baby cries, a responsive caregiver provides food, comfort, or care. This reciprocity forms the foundation of attachment and emotional security.
When these needs are not consistently met—due to caregiver inexperience, absence (e.g., work or phone distractions), unresolved trauma, poverty, or emotionally unavailable environments—children can experience varying degrees of neglect or adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). These unmet needs disrupt the formation of secure attachment, leading instead to insecure attachment patterns.
Attachment Types
•Secure Attachment:
A caregiver consistently meets the child’s needs, fostering trust and emotional safety. These children grow up feeling confident, valued, and capable of forming healthy relationships.
•Insecure Attachment:
•Avoidant: Caregivers are emotionally unavailable or dismissive, leading to self-reliance and avoidance of closeness.
•Anxious: Caregivers are inconsistent, creating dependency and fear of abandonment.
•Disorganized: Often stemming from trauma or abuse, children experience fear and confusion in relationships.
In cases of insecure attachment, the vulnerable infant—entirely dependent on the caregiver for survival—cannot attribute neglect to the caregiver. Instead, they internalize the belief: “There must be something wrong with me.” This core belief becomes deeply ingrained due to Hebb’s Rule: neurons that fire together wire together (Donald Hebb). Repeated experiences of unmet needs solidify feelings of being unworthy, unlovable, or inadequate, with shame acting as the emotional core of these beliefs.
The Survival Mode Response
Insecure attachment activates survival mode, a state of heightened self-focus and vigilance. Survival mode, described as being “always and only selfish,” prioritises basic survival at the expense of emotional development. Traits that emerge include:
•Hyper-independence.
•Mistrust of others.
•Emotional detachment.
These traits are not consciously chosen but are protective mechanisms developed to cope with environments that lack safety and support.
The Formative Years
A child raised in survival mode potentially lacks the foundation for becoming a kind, empathetic, and emotionally attuned individual. Without guidance or consistent modeling of care and compassion, they remain focused on self-preservation.
Historical Context: Generational Impact
Generational norms and societal structures often compounded insecure attachment. For example:
•Strict Discipline: Schools and caregivers relied on punitive measures, prioritising obedience and compliance over emotional connection. Still true in some educational settings today.
•Generation X: My generation – Labelled as “latchkey kids,” many experienced neglect as parents prioritised work or adhered to beliefs such as “children should be seen and not heard.”
•Cultural Beliefs: Phrases like “stiff upper lip,” “boys don’t cry,” or “don’t wash your dirty linen in public” encouraged emotional suppression.
•Religious and Social Expectations: The emphasis on appearances and secrecy further discouraged emotional expression.
Children who grew up in these environments suppressed their emotions, leading to long-term consequences:
•Psychological struggles (e.g., anxiety, depression, anger issues).
•Maladaptive coping mechanisms (e.g., substance use, overeating, crime).
•Emotional dysregulation, leading to difficulty managing intense emotions.
•A cycle of poverty, trauma, and emotional disconnection.
These cultural and generational factors reinforce survival-oriented behaviours, often normalising or rewarding emotional suppression and self-reliance.
The Hyper-Independent Adult
The culmination of insecure attachment, unmet needs, and generational norms results in adults with fragile senses of self. These individuals often disconnect from their inner pain, focusing outwardly in search of validation or solutions.
Key Traits of Hyper-Independent Adults
•Disconnection from Self and Others: Due to core beliefs such as “I’m unlovable,” they struggle to show care or empathy for themselves, for others, or for both.
•Compensatory Behaviours: Some individuals, driven by an internal sense of inadequacy, focus all their energy on others—giving what they themselves need in the hope of receiving love or validation in return. While this behaviour may appear selfless, it often stems from a deep-seated need to feel valued. Over time, this can manifest as neediness or attention-seeking, leaving the individual feeling “too much” to handle. Paradoxically, this often leads to the very outcome they fear most: rejection and a pattern of failed relationships.
People-Pleasing as Emotional Masking
People-pleasing behaviours similarly function as a mask for unresolved emotions and unmet needs. By prioritising others’ needs above their own, people-pleasers attempt to gain approval and avoid conflict. However, these behaviours:
•Suppress their authentic feelings and desires.
•Reinforce their internal belief of being unworthy unless they “perform” or “earn” love.
•Lead to burnout, resentment, and further disconnection from their true selves.
Both hyper-independence and people-pleasing reflect survival strategies that mask core wounds of unworthiness and fear of rejection. Whether through detachment or over-involvement, these patterns prevent individuals from addressing the root causes of their pain and hinder the development of healthy, reciprocal relationships.
Emotional Dysregulation
A common thread among hyper-independent and people-pleasing adults is emotional dysregulation. Unresolved trauma leaves these individuals with heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection or criticism, leading to:
•Overreacting to minor conflicts.
•Oscillating between emotional withdrawal and excessive attention-seeking.
•Difficulty processing and managing intense emotions.
Societal Reinforcement of Behaviour’s
Society often normalises or rewards these survival strategies:
•Hyper-independence is celebrated in modern culture as strength, resilience, or success. This societal reinforcement masks the underlying trauma and prevents individuals from seeking help.
•People-pleasing is often mistaken for kindness, especially when gender roles or cultural expectations place a high value on caregiving and self-sacrifice.
These external validations perpetuate these behaviours, making them difficult to identify as coping mechanisms.
A Solution: The Path to Healing
Our society’s evolution toward emotional disconnection has exacerbated these challenges, but recovery is possible. A Positive Start’s Self-Discovery for Recovery Programprovides a trauma-informed pathway to healing.
The TRUST Framework
Our program is grounded in the principles of trauma-informed care:
•Trigger: Identifying emotional triggers and their origins.
•Reassurance: Providing safety and stability.
•Understanding: Building awareness of past experiences and their impacts.
•Safety: Creating a safe internal and external environment.
•Truth: Challenging core beliefs and embracing new narratives.
The RAPPORT Method
We teach participants to cultivate self-care and compassion using the following steps:
•R: Recognition – Acknowledge emotional pain and its origins.
•A: Acceptance – Accept experiences without judgment.
•P: Process – Work through suppressed emotions.
•P: Practice – Build consistent habits of care and compassion.
•O: Observe – Cultivate mindfulness and self-awareness.
•R: Reflection – Learn from experiences.
•T: Transformation – Rewire neural pathways through neuroplasticity.
By addressing the root causes of narcissistic traits—unresolved trauma, insecure attachment, and societal pressures—we empower individuals to reconnect with themselves and others. Through trauma-informed therapy and education, A Positive Start offers a pathway to heal core wounds, fostering care, compassion, and emotional resilience. Together, we can rewrite the narratives that shape our lives, creating healthier individuals and a more connected society.
Neuroplasticity
So, with practice and patience, you can rewire your brain to be kinder and value yourself more.
Labelling
Narcissism is an often wrongly and overused label. I think it’s important to make a distinction here given everyone of us is capable of narcissistic and people-pleasing; incongruent behaviours. We are also all capable of leaving ourselves out of the judging whilst judging and criticising others.
Distinguishing Narcissistic Behavioural Traits from Narcissistic Personality Disorder
While narcissistic behavioral traits stem from coping mechanisms developed in response to unmet needs, unresolved trauma, and insecure attachment, they do not necessarily indicate Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Narcissistic traits, such as hyper-independence, emotional detachment, or an inflated sense of self, are often situational, rooted in survival strategies, and can diminish with self-awareness and healing.
In contrast, NPD, as defined by the DSM-5, ( for what it’s worth), is a diagnosable mental health condition characterised by pervasive patterns of grandiosity, a need for excessive admiration, and a lack of empathy. Individuals with NPD often have a deeply ingrained and rigid sense of entitlement and superiority, which can severely impair their relationships and functioning.
The impact on others varies depending on the severity of the traits or disorder. Narcissistic behavioral traits, while challenging, may lead to strained relationships due to miscommunication, emotional distancing, or overcompensating behaviours like people-pleasing or controlling tendencies. However, these traits often come with a capacity for change when the individual engages in self-reflection and healing. In contrast, NPD can have a more damaging impact, as the rigidity of the disorder often results in manipulative behaviours, emotional exploitation, and a lack of accountability, leaving others feeling invalidated, unimportant, or emotionally drained. Understanding these distinctions is essential for both addressing the root causes of narcissistic traits and navigating relationships with individuals who exhibit them.
The Importance of Genuine Connection:
A Lesson from Puppy Training
Training my German Shepherd puppy Neo has taught me a profound lesson about the importance of genuine connection and responsiveness. German Shepherds are naturally strong and intelligent, even as puppies, but without proper training and connection, their potential to become dangerous or unmanageable increases significantly.
I recruited the support of a puppy behaviour specialist, an amazing woman called Laura who understands dog’s, as I have come to understand about humans through my work as a therapist and life long student. It surprised me that despite my extensive knowledge on the subject of connection and attachment, I’d somehow managed to overlook the glaringly obvious when it came to my own puppy. I was guilty of justifying some undesirable behaviours as ‘he’s just a pup’ and quietly looking forward to when ‘he’s old enough to know better’ – oh, the irony! How will he learn to know better unless his caregiver (me), is teaching him! I hadn’t applied my teachings to my own situation – inadvertently leaving myself out of the judging.
This was a powerful realisation for me. With the best of intentions- our subconscious ‘default setting’ sneaks in unnoticed and unchecked. I was convinced I was paying attention to my puppy’s needs, and anyone watching from the outside would observe that too. Laura knew better by observing Neo’s behaviour – I came to realise during our first training session that actually, I was often in my head, distracted—thinking, analysing, and being hyper-vigilant while Neo was doing his thing —rather than fully present in the moment. Because of this, I’d been missing subtle cues of distress or connection-seeking behaviour from Neo.
When a puppy feels unsafe or disconnected, they enter survival mode, which often manifests as hyperactivity, disobedience, or defiance. However, these behaviours are not deliberate acts of defiance; they are signals of unmet needs. The puppy is seeking connection and reassurance to feel secure. Without this sense of safety, the puppy cannot focus, respond appropriately, or learn effectively. This creates a cycle: the lack of connection leads to a lack of safety, which makes the puppy harder to train, further perpetuating the disconnect.
This dynamic mirrors what happens in human relationships, particularly during early childhood – a subject I’m proficient in and passionate about.
Just as a disconnected puppy becomes unmanageable and hard to train, a child whose emotional signals are overlooked or misunderstood will often display “difficult” behaviours. These behaviour’s—whether they look like tantrums, withdrawal, or hyperactivity—are survival-driven attempts to seek connection, safety, and regulation. When these needs remain unmet, the child adapts by developing survival strategies such as hyper-independence, people-pleasing, or emotional detachment, which can persist into adulthood and affect their relationships, sense of self, and behaviour.
Connection, Safety, and the Foundation of Secure Attachment
Reflecting on my experience with my Neo, several parallels emerge between training animals and fostering healthy human attachment:
Connection Builds Safety:
Genuine connection requires presence—observing cues, understanding needs, and responding appropriately. For both dogs and humans, this connection creates a sense of safety, allowing them to relax, trust, and learn.
Survival Mode Hinders Learning
When an individual feels unsafe—whether it’s a puppy or a child—they cannot focus, regulate emotions, or absorb new information. Instead, they remain in a reactive state, where survival needs take precedence over cooperation or growth.
The Responsibility of the Caregiver:
Just as a strong, intelligent dog like a German Shepherd requires consistent training to prevent becoming unmanageable or dangerous, a child’s emotional well-being depends on attentive caregiving to foster secure attachment. Without this, survival-driven behaviours can dominate, leading to relational challenges in adulthood.
Connecting It All Together
This experience has strengthened my understanding that many behaviours labeled as “difficult,” whether in animals or humans, are rooted in unmet needs rather than intentional defiance. A puppy in survival mode isn’t hyper and disobedient because they are “bad”—they are seeking connection to feel safe. Similarly, children whose needs are not met develop survival strategies that reflect their lack of connection and safety.
These insights reinforce my earlier points about the profound impact of insecure attachment and unmet needs:
Unmet Needs Create Core Beliefs:
Like the puppy interpreting a lack of connection as a threat, children internalise neglect or misattunement as “There must be something wrong with me,” shaping their self-image and behaviours.
Survival Mode Fuels Behavioural Traits:
The hyperactivity, withdrawal, or neediness seen in survival-driven individuals mirrors behaviours in animals that feel unsafe. Dr. Peter Levines trauma work centres around animals. These patterns are not flaws but adaptations to their environment.
Connection as the Path to Change:
Whether with a puppy or a child, building trust and connection is the key to breaking survival-driven cycles. Only when safety is established can learning, growth, and healing take place.
This real-life example with Neo has been instrumental in deepening my understanding of attachment, survival mode, and the profound importance of genuine connection—not just for animals, but for humans too.
If proof of the importance of connection were needed, it can be observed in Neo’s behaviour. In less than a week our relationship has become stronger. I’m no longer getting my frustrations with Neo not doing as I’d like, because I understand what he needs from me – the joy I feel as a result of this wonderful friendship is difficult to articulate – I love him 🙏