“Love and accept yourself unconditionally.”

It sounds beautiful, doesn’t it? But for many of us, those words land with a thud. Instead of comfort, we feel resistance. Instead of inspiration, we feel guilt, shame, or even anger.

I remember hearing that phrase at different points in my own healing journey and thinking: “If I can’t do this, does that mean I’m broken beyond repair?” What I didn’t realise then was that struggling to connect with those words doesn’t mean you’ve failed – it means you’re human, and often it means you’ve been through experiences that made self-love feel unsafe or unreachable.

The Myth of Instant Self-Love

We live in a culture that sells self-love as a quick affirmation, a bubble bath, or a mindset shift. But real healing doesn’t happen in a straight line.

When you’ve lived with trauma, shame, or the constant demands of an inner critic (what I call the “inner terrorist”), unconditional self-love isn’t a switch you flick on. It’s a gradual process of unlearning old patterns, meeting yourself with compassion, and building trust in your own nervous system.

What “Unconditional” Really Means

Unconditional love doesn’t mean approving of everything about yourself, all the time. It doesn’t mean never wishing you could grow or change.

It means not withdrawing care from yourself when you stumble.

It means showing up with gentleness when you’re messy, tired, or struggling.

It means refusing to abandon yourself in the moments you need support the most.

Think of how we’d ideally treat a child: even when they make mistakes, they’re still deserving of safety, warmth, and care. Loving yourself unconditionally is offering that same stance to yourself – even if you don’t quite believe it yet.

Why So Many of Us Struggle

If love in childhood was conditional – given when we behaved, withdrawn when we didn’t – then unconditional acceptance can feel foreign.

If trauma wired shame, hypervigilance, or self-blame into our nervous system, self-compassion may feel impossible.

And if we never saw unconditional love modelled, we may not even know what it looks or feels like.

This is not a personal failure – it’s the legacy of our experiences.

A Pathway to Self-Acceptance: TRUST

At A Positive Start CIC, I often come back to our framework TRUST, because building self-trust is the foundation of any healing journey.

✨ Trigger recognition – Notice what comes up when you hear “love yourself unconditionally.” Does it spark discomfort, disbelief, or numbness? That awareness is the first step.

✨ Reassurance – Remind yourself that it’s normal to find this hard. Struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing – it means you’re human.

✨ Understanding – Explore where these difficulties come from, with compassion. Was love conditional in your past? Do old survival patterns still echo in your present?

✨ Safety – Create moments of calm and regulation where acceptance feels possible – whether through breath, movement, connection, or simply pausing.

✨ Truth – Honour your lived reality. Unconditional self-acceptance isn’t about pretending you’re always okay; it’s about acknowledging your truth without shame.

In Closing

Self-love isn’t a final destination. It’s a daily practice of choosing not to abandon yourself – especially when life feels heavy.

Sometimes unconditional love looks like celebration, but more often it looks like patience, persistence, and small acts of kindness.

So if the words “love yourself unconditionally” feel out of reach today, start smaller. Offer yourself compassion in one moment, one breath, one choice. Over time, these moments weave together into a foundation of trust – the kind of trust that allows love and acceptance to grow.

Because you are worth showing up for, exactly as you are.