Too Soft? Too Compassionate? Good.
When Love and Empathy Are Misunderstood – A Call for Something REAL
There’s a particular kind of pain that comes with seeing someone in trauma—whether a child, a parent, or a student—when no one else seems to see it.
They see a troublemaker, a problem, a drain.
You see a child frozen in shame, or flailing in fear.
You see connection-seeking—not attention-seeking.
You recognise the signs. The nervous system shutdowns. The survivor strategies. The dorsal vagal collapse hiding behind the outbursts or silences.
And when you name it?
You’re dismissed.
“You’re too soft.”
“You’re enabling them.”
“You’re being manipulated.”
“Stop mollycoddling them.”
When you’ve lived through trauma, you understand these patterns. You don’t just know them intellectually—you feel them. And it’s that felt sense that guides how you show up: with compassion, with care, and sometimes with a quiet rage when you’re forced to watch harm unfold and can do nothing to stop it.
The Moral Injury of Being Trauma-Informed in a System That Isn’t
The term moral injury describes the psychological and emotional toll of witnessing (or participating in) something that violates your deepest values. It’s not burnout. It’s not compassion fatigue. It’s the soul-splintering ache of knowing better and being unable to do better because the system won’t allow it.
I experienced this deeply in my role as a school counsellor—a position I loved. I cared for the children, saw their stories behind their behaviour, and held hope for their healing. But I also saw how the system responded: punishment instead of curiosity, control instead of connection.
Over time, it kept me awake at night.
Eventually, I had to walk away—not from the children, but from a system I could no longer stomach. I chose to support from outside, because staying meant betraying myself. And what use is a trauma-informed counsellor if she’s constantly overriding her own nervous system just to survive the working day?
Some days, the grief still visits.
Other days, I wonder: When these systems finally catch up… what then?
What happens when people realise how many children were harmed unnecessarily? How many were labelled instead of loved? Punished instead of protected?
Will we see litigation ads in 10 years—“If you or your child were harmed by a punitive education or care system, you may be entitled to compensation…”?
It sounds absurd now, but so did asbestos claims. So did tobacco lawsuits. So did the idea that trauma lived in the body. And now, here we are.
A Vision for the Future
I dream of a world where kindness, compassion, and trauma-informed care are not just tolerated but expected. Where the TRUST and philosophy frameworks are common knowledge—not quirky ideas from a fringe outsider like me.
Where systems put people before profit, and survival responses are met with understanding—not control.
Where we stop asking, “What’s wrong with you?” and start asking, “What happened to you?”
And most importantly, where those who care deeply are no longer labelled as soft or weak—but recognised as essential.
Let’s Build Something REAL
In response to this growing disconnect, I’ve created a space called REAL:
A WhatsApp community for trauma-informed professionals and practitioners who have experienced moral injury, dismissal, and the isolation that comes with seeing what others won’t see.
REAL stands for:
🔹 Regulated
🔹 Ethical
🔹 Accessible
🔹 Lived experience-led
No egos. No selling. No pretense. Just genuine connection, shared experiences, and support for those of us who feel like we’re shouting into a void—or have walked away because we just couldn’t take it anymore.
If this resonates, you’re not alone. And you’re not the problem.
You’re the future.
Here’s the link if you’d like to join the REAL group—or just want to talk
https://chat.whatsapp.com/B4tqnF62qpf8F8ZDrSxnlJ?mode=ac_t
#TraumaInformed #MoralInjury #CompassionIsStrength #EducationReform #PeopleBeforeProfit #LivedExperience #REALSupport #EmpathyMatters #PositiveChange