I’ve been reflecting on a question I was asked recently during a community ‘collaboration hub’ session:

“What stops you from collaborating with others?”

Around the table, the responses were mostly:

  • Time
  • Funding
  • Capacity
  • Opportunity

I listened. Considered. I understood what they meant — but none of these have ever really stopped me.

Time?

I am always busy. Truly. My schedule is full most days from early morning to late evening — and yet I still collaborate when the work aligns with my values.

Funding?

I am often broke. I collaborate for free regularly. I share ideas, resources, time, energy and heart because not everything meaningful is transactional.

Opportunity?

There is always opportunity. There is always something we could do together, some bridge we could build, some gap we could close — if the intention is mutual and the work is real.

So I answered:

“Alignment.”

Because I don’t struggle to collaborate.

I show up.

I contribute.

I build, share, create and grow with others — joyfully — when the collaboration is real.

What I struggle with is when what is called collaboration is actually something else entirely.

When You Turn Up and It’s Already Decided

So often you’re invited into a “shared project,” but when you arrive, everything has already been arranged:

  • The roles are already set
  • The decisions already made
  • The leadership already assumed
  • And your involvement framed around what you can do for them

Not what we can create together.

In those moments, it becomes clear:

You weren’t invited as an equal partner —

you were invited for free labour, visibility, or credibility.

And when you name that imbalance gently and honestly, the narrative flips:

Suddenly you are:

  • Ambushing
  • Taking over
  • Making it about yourself
  • Being “difficult”

When in reality, the opposite is true.

They did not want collaboration.

They wanted your work without your voice.

The Performance of Community

There is a public language of collaboration:

  • “We should all work together…”
  • “We’re stronger in partnership…”
  • “Community is everything…”

And then there is the lived practice:

  • Showing up for each other
  • Responding to emails
  • Sharing events
  • Supporting without needing recognition
  • Celebrating someone else’s success without comparison

It is easy to speak of community.

Much harder to practice it.

Too often, collaboration becomes:

  • Meetings without movement
  • Promises without presence
  • Community language without community action

I have no interest in performing community.

I am here to build it.

When Truth Confronts Convenience

As manager in another community project, I was once asked why we didn’t recycle e-bikes.

But the conversation wasn’t really about sustainability — it was about finding a convenient way to dispose of unwanted e-bike batteries.

The “collaboration” being suggested would have meant:

  • We take on the labour
  • We take on the cost
  • We take on the risk
  • They receive the benefit of looking environmentally responsible

So I asked one question:

“Can you assure me that the batteries were ethically mined — and that no child labour was involved?”

The room fell silent.

Not reflective silence.

Not thoughtful silence.

Not curious silence.

Not, ‘that’s an important question that we need to find the answer to’ type silence

Avoidant silence.

Avoidant, uncomfortable silence.

No one explored the ethical issue.

No one acknowledged the impact.

No one answered.

Instead, I was quietly repositioned as:

  • Difficult
  • Confrontational
  • “Awkward”

But I wasn’t being awkward.

I was safeguarding.

I was ensuring integrity.

I was asking that we do what we say we care about.

They wanted the benefits of collaboration without the responsibility of it.

They wanted our work, our time, our ethics, our labour — while they kept the credit and the public image of being eco-conscious.

This is what I mean when I talk about alignment.

Collaboration is not:

  • “You do the work.”
  • “I get the recognition.”
  • “We call it community.”

Collaboration is shared power, shared responsibility, shared purpose.

When that is missing — it is not collaboration.

Collaboration requires our actions match our values.

Yet in many community spaces, the appearance of doing good is valued more than the integrity of doing good.

What Real Collaboration Feels Like

I know for certain true collaboration exists — because I’ve experienced it.

The River Room Songbook with Chrissy Sykes is:

  • Heart-led
  • Equal
  • Safe
  • Mutual
  • Larger than either of us

There is:

  • No ego
  • No power struggle
  • No performance
  • No silent competition

Just two people doing what matters, because it matters.

It is easy, because it is true.

That kind of collaboration is rare.

Not because it should be rare —

but because it requires:

  • Shared power
  • Transparency
  • Emotional maturity
  • And the ability to celebrate someone else’s gifts

Many talk about collaboration.

Few actually know how to do it.

So What Actually Stops Me Collaborating?

Not time.

Not funding.

Not opportunity.

Misalignment.

I will not collaborate where:

  • Power is predetermined
  • Support only flows one way
  • Honesty is unwelcome
  • Ego is driving the work
  • Or truth is treated as a threat

But I will collaborate — deeply and joyfully — where:

  • Integrity leads
  • Voices are equal
  • Credit is shared
  • Accountability is real
  • And the work matters more than the spotlight

Because I am not interested in performing community.

I am here to build it.

Perhaps this is the real question in all of it:

Why is speaking truthfully about what you really feel so badly received?

Why does honesty — spoken calmly and without malice — cause such disruption?

Because truth asks something of people.

It asks them to look at themselves.

To examine motive.

To reflect on whether words and actions align.

And for many, that is deeply uncomfortable.

So I’ll say this plainly:

Don’t ask the question if you do not want the honest answer.

This is not about judgement — it is about clarity. Clarity allows collaboration to be real.

Some people will welcome that.

Some will not.

Either way: I’ll never dilute myself to fit into rooms where truth is treated as an inconvenience.