It is almost impossible to fully convey the impact of nervous system activation to someone who has never experienced it. What may look, from the outside, like being “over-sensitive,” “attention-seeking,” or “childish” is, on the inside, a state of terror.
The person is not reacting to the present moment as others see it — they are reacting to something their nervous system has recognised from the past as dangerous.
The threat may be invisible to others, but it is completely real to the person experiencing it.
Benjamin Fry describes this powerfully in The Invisible Lion:
When someone has been through trauma, it is as if there is a lion in the room that nobody else can see.
The nervous system remembers.
It reacts as though the threat is happening again — even when the rational mind knows it isn’t.
This is where the internal conflict begins:
- The thinking brain says “I should be fine.”
- The survival brain says “I am not safe.”
Outside, everything appears calm.
Inside, the system is in alarm.
This disconnection can be deeply confusing and disorientating.
Because no one else is running, shouting, freezing, shaking, or crying, the person often turns the fear inward:
“What’s wrong with me?”
instead of the far more accurate:
“What happened to me?”
Where Shame Enters
For many with complex trauma, this internalisation began long before adulthood.
If you grew up hearing — spoken or unspoken — that:
- Your emotions were “too much”
- Your needs were “inconvenient”
- Your reactions were “dramatic”
- Your pain was “exaggerated”
then it becomes easy, even automatic, to believe:
“The problem is me.”
Not the circumstances.
Not the environment.
Not the trauma.
Just me.
The body remembers fear.
The mind remembers shame.
And when the nervous system becomes activated later in life, the shame does not calm the system —
it intensifies it.
Shame adds another layer of threat inside the body.
Shame says:
- “You’re weak.”
- “You’re failing.”
- “You should be past this.”
- “Everyone else manages.”
And so the trauma cycle continues:
- A trigger activates survival mode.
- The body reacts.
- Shame interprets the reaction as proof of being “broken.”
- The reaction worsens.
- The person blames themselves.
This is not pathology.
This is adaptation.
The nervous system learned to protect life in an environment that did not feel safe.
The behaviour is not the problem.
The environment that shaped it was.
So, What Is Trauma?
Trauma is an overwhelming experience that the nervous system could not resolve or process at the time.
What Is Post-Traumatic Stress?
It is that overwhelming past experience being re-activated by similar dynamics in the present.
The survival system is doing exactly what it was designed to do — protect life — but now out of context.
This means:
- The fear is real to the body.
- The brain is in survival mode.
- Reasoning, communication, and emotional regulation are hijacked.
- The person is not choosing their reaction — they are being carried by it.
From the outside, it may look irrational.
We even have shaming labels for it:
- “Throwing a tantrum”
- “Spitting the dummy”
- “Acting like a child”
But from the inside, it feels like:
- A siren has gone off in the body.
- The mind is flooded with alarm.
- The person is trying to survive something no one else can see.
Healing does not mean the fear was never real.
It means the nervous system finally found safety.
The Real Question Is Not:
“Why are they behaving like that?”
The Real Question Is:
“What danger does their nervous system believe is present?”
And then:
Can we meet that moment with compassion instead of judgment?
When You See a “Big Reaction” — Pause
The next time you witness what looks like:
- “Attention-seeking”
- “Overreacting”
- “Being dramatic”
- “Oversensitive”
Pause.
Ask:
“What am I really witnessing here?”
Could this be survival mode out of context?
Chances are, it is.
And the real solution is not discipline, dismissal, or correction.
The real solution is safety.
T R U S T
A trauma-informed relational framework:
T — Trigger Recognition
See what is happening beneath the behaviour.
It’s not attention-seeking — it’s attention-needing.
R — Reassurance
Calm presence regulates more than any instruction ever will.
U — Understanding
What looks irrational on the outside often feels life-or-death on the inside.
S — Safety
Safety is communicated through relationship, tone, proximity, breath, warmth, pacing.
T — Truth
“You’re not in danger now. I’m here with you. You are safe.”
This is how we stop reacting to the behaviour and start responding to the nervous system.
This is how we replace shame with understanding.
This is how we create connection where there was once fear.
This is how healing begins.
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