Why children self-soothe, why parents struggle, and how the 7Rs Pathways offer the route to repair
We often talk about cycles in families as though they are rooted in deliberate choices or moral failings.
But most intergenerational trauma has nothing to do with intentional harm.
What truly passes from one generation to the next is:
A dysregulated nervous system that has never known safety.
This is not a story of fault — it’s a story of biology.
When Parents Grow Up Without Safety, They Cannot Model It
Consider a parent raised within a setting shaped by:
- high-control religious beliefs
- large families with very little emotional attention
- poverty or chronic stress
- obedience prioritised over connection
- emotional suppression
- overwhelmed caregivers doing their best with limited capacity
In environments like these, emotional literacy isn’t taught — it’s replaced with silence, survival, or self-sufficiency.
Children raised this way grow into adults who:
- love their children deeply
- want to provide stability
- try their absolute best
…but who never learned:
- emotional regulation
- co-regulation
- secure attachment
- healthy identity formation
- self-worth
- internal safety
- boundaries rooted in connection rather than control
Not because they didn’t want these things — but because nobody showed them how.
This is intergenerational trauma:
not intentional harm, but unresolved stress passed forward through nervous systems, behaviours, and unmet needs.
When Dysregulated Parents Raise Children
A parent who has never experienced emotional safety cannot simply download those skills into adulthood.
Even in loving homes, children may experience:
- emotional unpredictability
- tension in the air
- inconsistent responses
- overwhelm
- chronic stress or pressure
Children sense this instantly.
Their nervous systems respond to the emotional climate, not the spoken intentions.
This is why children in these households often rely on primitive self-regulation behaviours, such as:
- rocking
- head-banging against the sofa
- thumb sucking
- pacing
- humming
- hair twirling
- genital self-touch (non-sexual; purely physiological regulation)
These behaviours are signs of effort, not “misbehaviour.”
They are not dirty, shameful, or sexualised.
They are a child’s way of saying:
“I’m overwhelmed. I’m trying to regulate myself because my environment is too much.”
Different behaviours, same message:
their nervous systems are working very hard.
Not All Intergenerational Trauma Looks Like Trauma
When we talk about intergenerational trauma, many people think only of the obvious forms:
- abuse
- neglect
- violence
- addiction
- chaos
And yes — those absolutely create dysregulated nervous systems that can pass through generations.
But that’s not the whole story.
Some of the deepest, quietest forms of intergenerational dysregulation come from things society doesn’t label as trauma, such as:
- lack of emotional literacy
- lack of understanding about feelings and needs
- lack of nurture because parents were overwhelmed
- lack of co-regulation because no one knew how
- lack of access to knowledge about the nervous system
- strict rules that suppress feelings rather than guide them
- cultural or religious norms that prioritise obedience over connection
- poverty that leaves no energy for emotional presence
- parents doing everything “right” yet never having been taught the basics of attunement
These “lacks” don’t look like trauma from the outside.
But inside the nervous system, they leave just as deep an imprint.
A child who grows up without:
- emotional language
- being soothed when distressed
- being seen or understood
- having space for their feelings
- permission to be imperfect
- caregivers who could regulate themselves
…will adapt in ways that look like “coping” on the surface
but become dysregulation patterns in adulthood.
And when that adult becomes a parent, the cycle continues —
not through intentional harm, but through absence of the knowledge, skills, and safety they themselves never received.
This is intergenerational trauma, too:
the trauma of what was missing, not just what was present.
Intergenerational Trauma Isn’t About Blame — It’s About Capacity
Families do not repeat patterns because they do not care.
They repeat them because:
- their nervous systems were shaped by stress
- they were never shown how to regulate
- emotional suppression was a survival tool
- they lack internal safety
- identity and belonging were not nurtured
- generational beliefs discouraged emotional expression
The cycle isn’t continued by intention.
It’s continued by absence of the tools needed to do differently.
And this is where the 7Rs Pathways become transformational.
The 7Rs Pathways: A Compassionate Framework for Intergenerational Repair
Your 7Rs Pathways contain two essential layers:
the seven outcomes we aim for, and the seven trauma-informed steps that take a person there.
Together, they form a structured, compassionate route from survival to safety, from disconnection to belonging.
The 7Rs: The Seven Outcomes of a Regulated Life
These are the capacities trauma blocks — and that healing restores:
- Regulation
- Reflection
- Responsibility
- Repair
- Resilience
- Relationships
- Reconnection
These are what every human being needs in order to thrive.
The 7 Pathway Actions: The Steps That Make Healing Possible
These seven “Re-” steps guide individuals from dysregulation to internal stability:
- Recognise
- Reconnect
- Regulate
- Reframe
- Reimagine
- Rebuild
- Rise
These are the journeys we help people walk.
The Integrated Pathway: How the Steps Lead to the Outcomes
Here is how your model flows — a complete trauma-informed roadmap:
1. Recognise → Regulation
Recognising patterns, triggers, and nervous system states is the first step toward regulation.
2. Reconnect → Reflection
Reconnecting with self, truth, body, and story allows for healthy reflection and meaning-making.
3. Regulate → Responsibility
Once regulated, individuals gain the capacity to take responsibility — not blame — for actions, boundaries, and healing.
4. Reframe → Repair
Reframing old narratives supports repairing relationships with self, children, partners, and community.
5. Reimagine → Resilience
Reimagining new possibilities strengthens resilience and widens the window of tolerance.
6. Rebuild → Relationships
Rebuilding with new skills creates safer, healthier, more attuned relationships.
7. Rise → Reconnection
Rising into purpose, identity, and belonging completes the cycle: reconnection with self, family, community, and future generations.
This is intergenerational repair in real time.
Why the 7Rs Pathways Matter
For many adults, this is the first time they have ever:
- had their childhood explained in nervous system terms
- understood why their parents struggled
- recognised that their own stress responses were inherited, not chosen
- been offered a practical route to healing
- been given permission to stop blaming themselves
The 7Rs Pathways don’t shame or judge.
They teach what was never taught.
They bring nervous systems out of survival and into connection.
Families don’t just “change behaviour” through the 7Rs —
they change the internal wiring that shapes every relationship.
They create the safety they never had.
They offer their children the co-regulation they missed.
They become the generational turning point.
Healing Doesn’t Erase the Past — But It Transforms the Future
Intergenerational trauma is not a story of failure.
It is a story of survival.
But survival isn’t the end of the story.
With awareness, safety, attunement, and pathways like the 7Rs, families can:
- understand their patterns
- regulate their nervous systems
- rebuild relationships
- repair what was broken
- rise into identity, belonging, and purpose
The cycle doesn’t break through judgement.
It breaks through understanding.
And understanding is where the
7Rs Pathways to Purpose and Belonging begin.
© 2025 Deborah J. Crozier — 7Rs Pathways™