There are many of us in the world who can find it difficult to express our thoughts and emotions.. struggling to articulate what we truly think and feel.
Why is that?
Some may believe we simply have nothing valuable to say.
Others assume it’s due to a lack of intelligence or convince themselves that something is inherently “wrong” with those who struggle, based on their own ideas of how a person should be.
Some find people who struggle to express themselves to be boring, tiresome, frustrating, which often creates a power imbalance. Their inner frustrations move them to want to control or bully others – the immediate reaction being instinctive—a knee-jerk response to jump in, because they assume to know better, understand more, think quicker; they sometimes even pity those who struggle to speak up for themselves.
Others might attribute it to a lack of confidence, offering well-meaning advice about how you don’t do yourself justice by staying silent.
But for many, the struggle to speak up has deeper roots.
Perhaps they grew up in environments where expressing thoughts or feelings wasn’t an option.
Maybe it didn’t feel safe.
Maybe speaking the truth caused pain, embarrassment, or fear for others.
Perhaps expressing an opinion put them—or someone else—in danger.
For some, it might have been easier to learn to feel nothing at all, to avoid the risk entirely.
Maybe school reinforced this idea, where speaking out was seen as inappropriate or defiant.
“Fingers on lips.”
“Honor thy mother and father.”
“Do as you’re told.”
Later in life, they may have encountered systems that demanded restraint:
“Play it down.”
“Don’t rock the boat.”
“Stick to what’s acceptable.”
Perhaps they were taught what they could or couldn’t say, what parts of their truth were “admissible” and what parts were not, even when it all felt the same to them.
Maybe they were told to let sleeping dogs lie, to “shut up and put up,” to give their head a shake and get on with it.
Over time, the uncertainty of what not to say—and when—might have pushed them further into the background. It felt safer to fade into the shadows, away from the spotlight.
They learned to sit still and stay quiet.
Perhaps they were told it was rude, selfish, or ungrateful to have an opinion—to want something more.
And so, they locked it all away.
Swallowing their feelings.
Holding everything in.
But sometimes, when this is part of our background, something else happens as we grow and develop.
We swing too far in the other direction.
Instead of remaining quiet, we become overzealous.
Arrogance gets mistaken for confidence, and the ego grows louder.
We convince ourselves we’ve “found our voice” and start reacting impulsively—jumping in with knee-jerk responses to ill-thought-out ideas.
If someone suggests we’ve gone too far, we immediately assume they’re just like those people from our past—trying to silence us, shut us down. Memories of the past are stored in our bodies, triggering us in the present, so we double down.
Believing we know better, we push forward with a boosted sense of confidence. We climb the greasy pole, silencing anyone who dares to challenge us. We might even congratulate ourselves on how far we’ve come, mistaking arrogance for growth.
But in reality, we may have taken a wrong turn—heading straight for disaster.
As we act more recklessly, it becomes harder to contain, and we find ourselves looping back to where we started: locked in and suffering.
Why does this happen?
Because the human brain’s first thought is often a negative one.
It draws on past experiences—reacting from the bottom up, driven by habit, default thinking, and knee-jerk reactions.
Until we learn to STAND.
•S: Stop. Slow the process down.
•T: Think. Bring attention to your thoughts and feelings. Is your first thought a negative one? Judgment? Criticism? Fear?
•A: Act. Recognize that if your first thought is negative, your feelings will likely follow. And when your feelings are negative, what will your actions be?
Past trauma often complicates this process. It can make us doubt ourselves—and others—even if we don’t show it outwardly. This doubt plays out internally, creating an ongoing conflict between what we feel and how we act. We may feel unsure whether to trust our instincts or the intentions of those around us.
Never Doubt: For this reason, the first three steps—Stop, Think, Act—are essential. They help us move beyond the reactive patterns shaped by past experiences. They allow us to slow down and examine whether our immediate thoughts and feelings are rooted in the past or grounded in the present.
When we pause, reflect, and act deliberately, we reclaim the ability to respond in a way that serves us, rather than being controlled by old wounds or habits.
Imagine this:
You’re walking down a dark alley late at night, alone. Suddenly, you think you hear footsteps behind you.
What does that thought make you feel?
And how do those feelings impact your actions?
Now imagine a different scenario. You’re in the same alley, but this time you think you hear the voice of your best friend calling out to you.
How does that thought make you feel?
And how does it affect your actions?
This illustrates a simple formula for avoiding compromise:
•If the thought is negative, and the feeling is negative, the action is clear: retreat, withdraw, get out—OUT.
•If the thought is positive, and the feeling is positive, the action is to move closer, stay, engage—IN.
It’s either one or the other.
Negative/Negative = OUT.
Positive/Positive = IN.
(Imagine – you’re in the dark alley alone, when think you hear footsteps coming up behind you .. and instead of moving away from potential danger, you turn and run towards it instead; OUT, OUT, IN)
When the thought is negative, and the feeling is negative, yet we still choose to act as if it’s positive (staying IN), we enter the realm of compromise.
This is where manipulation thrives.
It’s how grooming works.
Grooming is the manipulation of a persons thoughts and feelings with the intention of either misdirecting their thoughts and feelings or over riding their own thoughts and feelings..
If someone manipulates your thoughts and feelings to convince you to stay IN, even when your mind and body are alerting you to choose OUT, they gain control over you. You end up acting against yourself, either because you don’t pay attention to yourself or because you daren’t act against the manipulation – ultimately benefiting the manipulator.
By learning to STOP, THINK, ACT and NEVER DOUBTing that – in alignment with your best interests, you reclaim your ability to make choices that serve you—not your past, not your fears, and certainly not someone else’s agenda.