Learning to care for the helper as well as the person being helped
Working with trauma survivors is deeply meaningful, but it can also touch the helper’s nervous system in powerful ways. Regulation is not something we arrive with fully formed — it is a practice we learn over time, often through experience, reflection, and self-understanding.
In my early days of this work, I remember coming home after listening to a survivor’s story of abuse and feeling utterly depleted. There was a heavy dread in my body and head that I could not shift. My mind kept returning to the injustice and the horror of what they had endured. I found myself imagining what if that had been me. The weight of it made me physically and emotionally unwell. I cried over the following days and even questioned whether I was the right person for this work.
As tends to be the case for me, I learned the hard way. I became curious about why I had been impacted so deeply. What had happened to them was undeniably horrific — but it was not my trauma, so why did I feel so broken by it?
This question led me to research the nervous system, vicarious trauma, and emotional regulation. Dan Siegel covers it in his Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) course, which I highly recommend for anyone working with trauma survivors. Over time, I developed ways to protect my nervous system without disconnecting from the human suffering in front of me — and without losing the empathy and care that matter so much in this work.
One of the most important shifts I made was choosing compassion over emotional absorption.
Empathy allows us to feel with another person — but when unregulated, it can place us in their shoes. The body can begin to respond as though the experience is happening to us. Over time, this can lead to emotional exhaustion, heaviness, and burnout.
Compassion is different.
Compassion allows us to remain present with another human being in their pain without becoming engulfed by it. We witness, we care, we support — but we remain anchored in ourselves. Compassion says: I see your suffering, and I am here with you, rather than I am inside your suffering. This subtle shift protects the nervous system while preserving genuine human connection.
Through practice, I also learned that when we listen to trauma, our attention can narrow and the body can move into a quiet survival response — tightening, bracing, holding. If we do not notice and gently regulate, we can begin to carry what we hear. Broadening awareness, orienting to the present, and reconnecting with the body help restore balance and remind the nervous system that we are safe, here, now.
Regulation is not about becoming unaffected. It is about developing the capacity to stay steady, present, and compassionate — without being pulled into the depth of another’s trauma.
If you are beginning this work and find yourself feeling heavy, tired, or emotionally stirred, please know: this does not mean you are unsuited to the work. It means you are human. With time, awareness, and gentle practice, you can learn to care for your nervous system as you care for others.
Compassion with regulation sustains the helper.
And sustained helpers can continue to walk alongside those who need them most.
Why Regulation Matters
When we listen to trauma stories, our attention can narrow and the nervous system may move into a subtle survival state (tightening, vigilance, emotional contraction). Over time, this can contribute to vicarious trauma or emotional depletion.
Broadening awareness helps the nervous system recognise present-moment safety, allowing the body to soften and return to balance. This supports:
Emotional steadiness
Clear thinking and presence
Compassion without absorption
Reduced accumulation of stress
Protection against vicarious trauma
These exercises are not about “switching off” empathy. They help us stay connected without becoming overwhelmed.
Simple Regulation Practices
You may wish to use these between sessions, after difficult work, or whenever you notice tension building.
1. Broadening Awareness (Open Focus)
Gently widen your attention beyond one point of focus.
Notice your body sitting
Become aware of the space around you
Notice sounds in the room or distance
Allow your gaze and attention to soften
Remind yourself: “I am here, and this moment is safe.”
This helps release nervous system contraction and restore ease.
2. The Wheel of Awareness (Dr. Dan Siegel)
This guided practice gently moves attention through:
The senses
The body
The mind
Awareness itself
It supports integration, grounding, and returning to the observing self rather than becoming absorbed in emotional material.
Link to Guided Meditation Video
3. “In Space” Awareness Morning Meditation (Dr. Joe Dispenza / Open Focus style)
Instead of concentrating on sensations, allow awareness to include space and openness.
Notice sensations in the body
Then notice the space around the body
Let attention expand rather than focus narrowly
Allow thoughts and sensations to exist without holding them tightly
This often reduces emotional load and restores calm.
Link to Guided Meditation Video
4. Orienting Back to Self (Quick Reset)
After emotionally intense work:
Feel your feet on the ground
Notice your breath
Feel the weight of your body in the chair
Look around the room slowly
Remind yourself: “I am here, now.”
This helps the nervous system separate yourself from the material you have heard.
Gentle Reminder
Regulation is not about doing it perfectly.
It is about noticing, returning, and caring for your nervous system as you care for others.
Compassion with regulation protects both the helper and the person being supported.
Take good care of yourselves
Debs x