Therapeutic Principles as a Way of Being
“We do not owe everyone we encounter therapeutic principles.”
That was a comment left on one of my blog posts by an accredited therapist and supervisor. It was even endorsed by others.
I’ve been reflecting on what this means — not only for us as therapists, but for the clients and communities we serve. Because for me, therapeutic principles are not tools I switch on for work and off when I go home. They are not reserved for paying clients. They are values I live by.
Coming Home to Carl Rogers
When I first discovered Carl Rogers’ On Becoming a Person, I felt excited — and relieved. Excited, because I had finally found words for something I had always known. Relieved, because I realised I had been “person-centred” long before I had any training.
Rogers taught that the six core conditions for therapeutic change were not techniques, but qualities of presence:
- Congruence – being real, genuine, and whole.
- Unconditional positive regard – valuing people without condition.
- Empathic understanding – truly sensing the other’s world as if it were your own.
- Along with psychological contact, presence, and the client’s perception.
These aren’t simply things we do as therapists; they are ways of being.
You Can’t Be Two People
And that’s why the comment troubled me. We cannot authentically be two people: the “therapist self” who shows compassion in session, and the “other self” who withholds it from those we disagree with. That is incongruence — and people sense it instantly.
We don’t give everyone therapy — of course not. But we do owe people empathy, compassion, and understanding. Not because it’s our job, but because it’s our humanity.
And it matters most with those we disagree with. It’s easy to offer empathy when we’re aligned. It is harder, but infinitely more important, when we’re not.
Safety Without Judgement
Another response suggested that sometimes we need judgement to assess safety. But here’s the distinction:
- Physical safety may require firm boundaries and decisive assessment.
- Emotional safety comes from compassion, empathy, and reassurance — never from judgement.
Assessment is not the same as judgement. We can meet people exactly where they are, without withdrawing unconditional positive regard.
Empathy Without Self-Abandonment
But what about when someone has harmed us? How do we remain empathic without harming ourselves or becoming incongruent?
This is where boundaries and truth-telling matter. Empathy doesn’t mean excusing harm or staying silent. It means understanding the humanity of the other, while still honouring our own.
A real-life example:
Imagine someone you trusted betrayed your confidence.
- Without boundaries: you say nothing, try to “be empathic,” but inside you feel resentful and unsafe. That’s incongruence and self-betrayal.
- With judgement: you attack them — “You’re untrustworthy, you’ve ruined everything.” That may protect in the moment, but it destroys dialogue.
- With empathy + boundaries:
“When you shared what I told you, I felt hurt and unsafe. I need confidentiality in my relationships, so I’m going to take a step back for now. I can also imagine you may have felt under pressure in that moment. I don’t excuse it, but I want to be clear about its impact.”
This way you:
- Stay congruent by speaking your truth,
- Protect yourself with boundaries,
- And still offer empathy for the other’s possible experience.
That is empathy without self-betrayal.
Motivation and Intention
For me, it always comes back to awareness: what’s my motivation, what’s my intention? Am I activated and coming from a survival response, perhaps reacting to a past hurt, or am I being congruent and responding in the present?
I’ve reflected on why I felt moved to respond to that comment with a blog post. Part of it is that I felt minimised and misquoted. And part of it is because I genuinely believe it is the wrong message to be teaching therapists — that we do not “owe” people therapeutic principles. If we start from there, we risk undermining the very foundation of our work.
Why It Matters
If therapists believe compassion and empathy are optional — owed only to some — then no wonder so many people feel unseen and unsafe. We risk replicating the very exclusion our clients come to us to heal from.
Carl Rogers called person-centred practice a way of being. That’s exactly how I see it too. These principles don’t end when the therapy session ends. They extend into how we treat shop staff, strangers on the bus, colleagues online, and those whose views we oppose.
Listening to understand — not simply to defend — is where connection begins.
Congruence: You can’t be two people.