Area of Compromise
There are many of us in the world who can find it difficult to express our thoughts and emotions.. struggling to articulate what we truly think and feel.
Why is that?
Some may believe we simply have nothing valuable to say.
Others assume it’s due to a lack of intelligence or convince themselves that something is inherently “wrong” with those who struggle, based on their own ideas of how a person should be.
Some find people who struggle to express themselves to be boring, tiresome, frustrating, which often creates a power imbalance. Their inner frustrations move them to want to control or bully others - the immediate reaction being instinctive—a knee-jerk response to jump in, because they assume to know better, understand more, think quicker; they sometimes even pity those who struggle to speak up for themselves.
Others might attribute it to a lack of confidence, offering well-meaning advice about how you don’t do yourself justice by staying silent.
But for many, the struggle to speak up has deeper roots.
Perhaps they grew up in environments where expressing thoughts or feelings wasn’t an option.
Maybe it didn’t feel safe.
Maybe speaking the truth caused pain, embarrassment, or fear for others.
Perhaps expressing an opinion put them—or someone else—in danger.
For some, it might have been easier to learn to feel nothing at all, to avoid the risk entirely.
Maybe school reinforced this idea, where speaking out was seen as inappropriate or defiant.
“Fingers on lips.”
“Honor thy mother and father.”
“Do as you’re told.”
Later in life, they may have encountered systems that demanded restraint:
“Play it down.”
“Don’t rock the boat.”
“Stick to what’s acceptable.”
Perhaps they were taught what they could or couldn’t say, what parts of their truth were “admissible” and what parts were not, even when it all felt the same to them.
Maybe they were told to let sleeping dogs lie, to “shut up and put up,” to give their head a shake and get on with it.
Over time, the uncertainty of what not to say—and when—might have pushed them further into the background. It felt safer to fade into the shadows, away from the spotlight.
They learned to sit still and stay quiet.
Perhaps they were told it was rude, selfish, or ungrateful to have an opinion—to want something more.
And so, they locked it all away.
Swallowing their feelings.
Holding everything in.
But sometimes, when this is part of our background, something else happens as we grow and develop.
We swing too far in the other direction.
Instead of remaining quiet, we become overzealous.
Arrogance gets mistaken for confidence, and the ego grows louder.
We convince ourselves we’ve “found our voice” and start reacting impulsively—jumping in with knee-jerk responses to ill-thought-out ideas.
If someone suggests we’ve gone too far, we immediately assume they’re just like those people from our past—trying to silence us, shut us down. Memories of the past are stored in our bodies, triggering us in the present, so we double down.
Believing we know better, we push forward with a boosted sense of confidence. We climb the greasy pole, silencing anyone who dares to challenge us. We might even congratulate ourselves on how far we’ve come, mistaking arrogance for growth.
But in reality, we may have taken a wrong turn—heading straight for disaster.
As we act more recklessly, it becomes harder to contain, and we find ourselves looping back to where we started: locked in and suffering.
Why does this happen?
Because the human brain’s first thought is often a negative one.
It draws on past experiences—reacting from the bottom up, driven by habit, default thinking, and knee-jerk reactions.
Until we learn to STAND.
•S: Stop. Slow the process down.
•T: Think. Bring attention to your thoughts and feelings. Is your first thought a negative one? Judgment? Criticism? Fear?
•A: Act. Recognize that if your first thought is negative, your feelings will likely follow. And when your feelings are negative, what will your actions be?
Past trauma often complicates this process. It can make us doubt ourselves—and others—even if we don’t show it outwardly. This doubt plays out internally, creating an ongoing conflict between what we feel and how we act. We may feel unsure whether to trust our instincts or the intentions of those around us.
Never Doubt: For this reason, the first three steps—Stop, Think, Act—are essential. They help us move beyond the reactive patterns shaped by past experiences. They allow us to slow down and examine whether our immediate thoughts and feelings are rooted in the past or grounded in the present.
When we pause, reflect, and act deliberately, we reclaim the ability to respond in a way that serves us, rather than being controlled by old wounds or habits.
Imagine this:
You’re walking down a dark alley late at night, alone. Suddenly, you think you hear footsteps behind you.
What does that thought make you feel?
And how do those feelings impact your actions?
Now imagine a different scenario. You’re in the same alley, but this time you think you hear the voice of your best friend calling out to you.
How does that thought make you feel?
And how does it affect your actions?
This illustrates a simple formula for avoiding compromise:
•If the thought is negative, and the feeling is negative, the action is clear: retreat, withdraw, get out—OUT.
•If the thought is positive, and the feeling is positive, the action is to move closer, stay, engage—IN.
It’s either one or the other.
Negative/Negative = OUT.
Positive/Positive = IN.
(Imagine - you’re in the dark alley alone, when think you hear footsteps coming up behind you .. and instead of moving away from potential danger, you turn and run towards it instead; OUT, OUT, IN)
When the thought is negative, and the feeling is negative, yet we still choose to act as if it’s positive (staying IN), we enter the realm of compromise.
This is where manipulation thrives.
It’s how grooming works.
Grooming is the manipulation of a persons thoughts and feelings with the intention of either misdirecting their thoughts and feelings or over riding their own thoughts and feelings..
If someone manipulates your thoughts and feelings to convince you to stay IN, even when your mind and body are alerting you to choose OUT, they gain control over you. You end up acting against yourself, either because you don’t pay attention to yourself or because you daren’t act against the manipulation - ultimately benefiting the manipulator.
By learning to STOP, THINK, ACT and NEVER DOUBTing that - in alignment with your best interests, you reclaim your ability to make choices that serve you—not your past, not your fears, and certainly not someone else’s agenda.
How I Think About Me
Self Discovery for Recovery Program
Our Self Discovery for Recovery program is designed to help individuals overcome dysregulation, unhelpful thinking patterns, and negative core beliefs.
It offers practical tools and guidance to promote self-awareness, self-compassion, and a deeper understanding of oneself.
This transformative program also supports healing by teaching ways to manage heavy, unresolved emotions that can accumulate in our bodies over time, causing pain and suffering. Left unaddressed, these emotions often lead to unhealthy coping strategies and a cycle of self-blame for “not knowing better.”
Through self-awareness and compassionate practices, participants learn to break free from these patterns, rebuild self-esteem and confidence, and create healthier, more balanced lives—no matter where they are starting from. Self Discovery for Recovery empowers you to embrace healing and rediscover the power of self-love.
For details about our services, please visit our contact page.
Dysregulation
Good Morning!
Drawing on research in interpersonal neurobiology, Polyvagal Theory, and trauma-informed practices, we have developed a workshop aimed at fostering emotional regulation in schools. By blending these scientific insights with lived experience, our workshop provides practical strategies to support students in managing their emotions and building resilience.
Understanding dysregulation—what it is and what happens in the body when someone is dysregulated—is key to supporting students effectively. Recognizing these signs allows educators to respond compassionately and effectively, helping students regain a state of calm and focus.
This blog post offers a brief overview of dysregulation, exploring the science behind it and why it's so important for educators and students alike to understand.
Neural Pathways, Emotional Regulation, and Learned Behaviour
From infancy, our brains are designed to develop through a process known as co-regulation with caregivers. This experience-expectant learning—where neural pathways are shaped by consistent experiences—teaches us how to meet our needs. For example, when a baby feels hunger, signalled by sensations like a rumbling tummy, the caregiver typically responds by feeding them. Over time, the child learns to associate the sensation of hunger with the need for food, which helps regulate the nervous system. This process is closely tied to interoception, our internal sense of bodily signals, which allows us to interpret and respond to our body's needs.
However, when this co-regulation doesn't develop in a balanced way, such as if caregivers respond with food to every cry (regardless of whether the baby is hungry), it can lead to misaligned neural circuits. The child may learn to view food as a solution to all distress. This can leave the nervous system dysregulated, as fundamental needs are not being accurately identified or met.
Emotional Learning and Big Emotions
As we grow, we begin to encounter and learn about complex emotions—like anger, sadness, and other "big" emotions that can be painful. Often, caregivers who themselves struggle with managing emotions may focus on teaching children what not to do with these feelings rather than guiding them on how to process and understand them. But emotions don't simply vanish because we're told to suppress them. Instead, unprocessed emotions linger in the nervous system and can resurface as "triggers"—felt bodily sensations that bring up unresolved anger, fear, or sadness each time similar situations arise.
Emotions as Energy in Motion
Emotion itself can be seen as "energy in motion," a natural flow of information and energy within and between people. When emotions are suppressed or unaddressed—often due to a lack of co-regulation or tools for self-regulation—they remain in the body, leading to dysregulation and trauma. This unprocessed energy can create patterns of reactivity or behavioural control. For instance, if we haven't learned to process our emotions, we may lash out at others, seek to control others' behaviours to feel more secure, or internalize our pain, leading to suffering.
The Cycle of Dysregulation and Coping
To alleviate this internal suffering, we may look for ways to numb our pain through external means—like food, substances, gambling, or other compulsive behaviours. These coping mechanisms offer temporary relief but often reinforce dysregulation, as they do not address the underlying emotional needs or help us develop healthier neural pathways.
Neuroception and Learning TRUST
A key symptom of trauma is a lack of trust - both in ourselves and in others. Trauma shakes us at our very core. This is why it is essential to create a safe, compassionate, non-judgemental environment when we are dysregulated.
Our nervous system is constantly on the lookout, monitoring both internal and external environments, this is called Neuroception. When our nervous system perceives safety, it shifts us into a state of connection, known as the Ventral State. This state fosters social engagement and a sense of calm. However, when it detects a threat—whether real or perceived—it switches to a state of protection, triggering the fight-or-flight response to keep us safe. Judgement and criticism (real or perceived) are major triggers that put us back in the cycle of dysregulation. This automatic response helps us navigate our surroundings and respond appropriately to different situations, whether it’s connecting with others or defending ourselves from potential harm. Our bodies are wired to ensure our safety and social well-being.
When dysregulation builds in the body, we become more easily triggered by reminders of past negative experiences that haven't been fully processed. These unaddressed events leave a pressure within us, and our bodies instinctively seek ways to release it. The more trauma we've experienced and left unresolved, the more deeply dysregulated we may become.
These inner pressures often trigger the body's natural threat responses—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—causing us to react in ways that may feel beyond our control. In these moments of dysregulation, what we need most is a safe, supportive environment with calm, regulated adults. When others respond with aggression, control, or judgment, it only deepens our dysregulation, as we're already in a state of heightened sensitivity. What truly fosters healing is TRUST.
When we are dysregulated, we need:
•Trigger identification and acknowledgment
•Reassurance and understanding
•Understanding and compassion from others
•Safety in our environment
•Truth and transparency in interactions
These elements help us calm down, restore balance, and re-engage the rational part of our brain.
Our team at A Positive Start CIC who support clients locally and worldwide, is made up of lived-experience practitioners who have spent over 40 years understanding and managing dysregulation in all its forms. Through first hand experience with dysregulation and trauma, we've learned that while each person's journey is unique, there are shared themes that can guide healing. We draw on these commonalities to help others recognize, address, and heal from their own dysregulation and trauma. While many services currently offer support, what makes A Positive Start unique is our lived experience insight. We bring a genuine understanding of dysregulation, rooted in first-hand experiences, and commitment to putting people before profit. Not only do we prioritize meaningful compassionate support, but we also reinvest the profits we make back into our local community, ensuring our work creates a ripple effect of positive change. For further information about our services, including Supporting Regulation in Schools and Trauma Informed TRUST, please contact us.
References:
Emotional Dysregulation:
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioural Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: Guilford Press.
Marsha Linehan is often credited with pioneering the study of emotional dysregulation in the context of borderline personality disorder and the development of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT).
Polyvagal Theory and Neuroception:
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
Stephen Porges introduced Polyvagal Theory, providing insights into how the autonomic nervous system influences emotions and social behaviours, and coined the term "Neuroception" to describe the subconscious process of detecting safety or threat.
Complex Trauma and the Body:
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York: Penguin Books.
Bessel van der Kolk's work explores how trauma is stored in the body and impacts mental and physical health, highlighting the importance of trauma-informed approaches.
Emotional Flashbacks:
Grannon, R. (2013). Emotional Flashbacks: A New Way to Understand PTSD. Self-Published.
Richard Grannon has contributed to the understanding of emotional flashbacks, particularly in the context of complex PTSD and emotional regulation.
Interpersonal Neurobiology:
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. New York: Guilford Press.
Dan Siegel's work in interpersonal neurobiology emphasizes how relationships and emotional connection shape brain development and emotional health.
Lived Experience Insight:
Crozier, D. J. (2024). Lived Experience Reflections on Emotional Dysregulation and Trauma Support. Personal blog and social media posts.
Deborah J. Crozier's lived experience insights contribute to understanding trauma-informed approaches, co-regulation, and the impact of attachment and nervous system regulation on emotional well-being.
Additional Support:
My blog posts are written from my own thoughts, ideas, learning and experiences. AI is used to help to articulate and create a more coherent experience for the reader. I reference AI to ensure credit is given where credit is due. Truth and integrity are essential.
ChatGPT by OpenAI. (2024). Contributions and support for information synthesis.
Underpinnings
Complex Trauma
People who have experienced complex trauma, often confuse feeling familiar with feeling safe. We may not know what real safety feels like, so we choose familiar and end up with more of the same… ‘different faces, different places, same old set of circumstances, same unhealthy relationships, same old stressful jobs…
We may keep going round and round on the same carousel year after year, never making headway, feeling as though no matter how we choose - all roads lead back to square one, until we’re either exhausted and feel broken or we finally recognise theres a pattern to our behaviours… 💡😲
Self-awareness is the answer..
Getting curious about what you choose and why you choose.. What you think, why you think it, what you feel & why you feel it! 🚪#thewayout🎠 The Healing Journey, bringing into your awareness, will set you free, teaching you how to choose differently for yourself… the answers are within you…
We hold space while you explore and find them …
Roots
Examine your Core Beliefs!
Healing and prevention requires love, compassion and empathy…
As children, we apply meaning to experiences … Whenever we are excluded, bullied, abused, ignored, not believed, blamed.. The meaning (Because as young children we tend to view adults as perfect beings that make no mistakes.. ) the meaning applied tends to be - ‘it can’t be them, it must be me… there must be something wrong with me - ‘I AM not good enough’
‘I’m not good enough’ becomes a core belief.. I’m not good enough.. I don’t belong.. . I’m not good enough also means … I don’t belong.. I’m unlovable.. I don’t matter …I’m unimportant…
This belief often has us thinking the worst of ourselves.. accepting less for ourselves.. tolerating abusive relationships.. risking burn out rather than saying No because boundaries are non existent for people who worry about being excluded due to a deep rooted fear of not belonging…
Those core beliefs are triggered & erupt as adults … whenever we find ourselves in situations where we feel like ‘we don’t belong, we are not believed, we are ignored, not good enough!
The fear; ‘deep down is - I fear I don’t belong, I’m not good enough & now you’re behaviour towards me (perceived or real) confirms my worst fears about myself…. this belief overwhelms me with negative thoughts and feelings about myself .. often overwhelming my ability to cope as I’m ill equipped & don’t know how to regulate my nervous system.
Being seen & heard matters, it helps me to realise ‘I Matter’ a starting point.. Beliefs are just thoughts that we keep on thinking… examine, challenge & change the core beliefs…
Image credited to Dr. Mine Conkbayir, (Award winning author, Training provider & Early years Consultant-LinkedIn)
What does the opposite look like?
Lived Experience Insight
Trauma alters our perception ..
Very many years ago …
although my eyes were showing me that connection, belonging, joy, love, calm, safety, happiness, peace etc existed… it only existed for others as far as I was concerned… It was impossible to comprehend that the same things were available to me… I was aware of their existence but excluded from ever experiencing them..
While trapped in this space.. No amount of ‘preaching’ was able to convince me of anything else.. I did not believe I could change either my situation or the outcome - and what we believe- is true!
If you are familiar with Polyvagal Theory, this is a nervous system in a Dorsal Vagal state..
I remember sitting in a solicitor’s waiting room and on the wall was a picture of a quote that read;
‘If you think you can, and if you think you can’t -you are probably right’
- Henry Ford..
I stared at it ..
I read it over and over in my mind .. I felt the realisation hit my body…
a lightbulb moment.. an awakening… eureka!
While this may be blatantly obvious to everyone else but me .. from this pit it the ground where I existed .. because of altered perception… because of being trapped in a situation for long periods of time with was no obvious escape or solution (CPTSD) this came as a complete revelation..
In that moment something I had never considered hit me, I had realised there are always two opposing sides .. happy/sad, hot/cold, wet/dry, dark - light! A light had switched on at the end of the tunnel and I was able to use it to find my way out…
Whenever the terror or the anxiety that was plaguing my life struck.. I reminded myself to bring to mind what the opposite truth might be … even if I couldn’t see it..
I am reminded of the experience on seeing a post this morning here on LinkedIn that read ..
Perspective is Everything
Discomfort - Growth
Problems - Challenges
Rejection - Redirection
Darkness - Light
Failure - Lessons
Fears - Teachers
Pain - Power
Hurt - Compassion
False - Truth
Bad - Good
Sadness - Joy
Loss - Hope
Interpersonal Neurobiology and the Human Connectome studies have shown how Integration = Wellbeing
Finding ways to change perspective was the first step in the healing process…. presenting an exit route in a round dark room that previously had no doors…
What was your first step? What will your first step look like?
How do you feel?
‘How do you feel?’ Is a question I ask people frequently …
Not everyone has the words to express how they feel…
‘Okay’! … is a popular answer -but what does ‘okay’ actually mean?
T truth is, not everyone knows how to feel their emotions let alone knowing how to describe them.
Have you ever considered why do so many adults bury their emotions rather than feeling them?
Or Why so many adults feel the need to try to suppress other people’s emotions? Feeling uneasy and embarrassed when someone else displays frustration for example?
Adults and parents today understand far more than previous generations did about emotions .. although we still have a long way to go…
Reminder…
Emotions - E… Motions = Energy in motion
Trauma = Energy compressed … compressed energy that we keep adding to when we bury rather than Feel our emotions…
What do adults tend say to a child who reacts with frustration or snatches back when another child takes a toy from them?
“Don’t do that - play nice” perhaps ?
“They are younger than you - they don’t know any better, let them play”?
What were you taught as a child? What is your experience? Were you encouraged and told it was okay to feel upset or frustrated or were you told ‘No - don’t act like that?
What is a child who is upset likely to be feeling inside?
Frustration, Anger, Hurt, Injustice?
What is the child taught to with these heavy painful emotions?
“No… Don’t …. don’t react that way!
Okay .. so what Do we do with these heavy emotions?
Who taught you how to deal with those big feelings that you experience growing up?
Hurt, anger, frustration, etc..
How?
Where did they go? The Body keeps the score!!! Emotions are held in the body and come out either as physical ailments, self harm or explosive fits of anger & rage when triggered!
Some adults don’t know how to deal with other people expressing emotion…
They feel uncomfortable ..
Congruence is a word we use a lot at A Positive Start ..
Congruence is when your inner feelings match up with your outer expressions..
Happy = Laugh
Sad = Cry
Etc…
Learning how to express emotions in a healthy way is important..
It’s important we understand that our behaviour impacts others…
Throwing or punching in anger is an outer expression of an inner feeling but it’s a destructive behaviour that can negatively impact others..
Learning how to express emotions in a safe and healthy manner is an essential part of the healing process… otherwise we calm down and feel guilty for reacting badly and further add to the negative feelings…
How you feel matters …
How you feel about yourself matters most…
Learning how to feel is essential for recovery …
‘You cannot heal what you cannot feel’
Self Discovery for Recovery … compassionate self-leadership program by A Positive Start CIC
https://apositivestart.org.uk/contact/
Chasing Safe
‼️Trigger Alert‼️ this post shares lived experience of Domestic Violence and trauma …
“Trauma is not what happened to you…
Trauma is what happened inside of you, because of what happened to you” - Gabor Mate
You are a whole person - mind, body, soul … connected. When something terrible happens to you - a traumatic event for example, it affects all of your being - not just mentally - you are not merely a head on a stick, you are a whole spiritual being.
When something traumatic happens to you, your body is taking in and absorbing information quicker than your mind is able to.
Your mind is focused on what’s happening in the moment - as Bessel Van Der Kolk explains in his book ‘The body keeps the score’ - it remembers things that your mental mind/memory may not be able to access - known as ‘implicit memory.
The information is stored in your body - trauma remains in your body until it is addressed and processed. It doesn’t go away over time, rather the sensations resurface and are felt in the body as triggers every time you encounter anything remotely related to that original trauma. You may feel nothing for a time, and think you’ve got away with it. Or you may feel increasingly agitated and stressed - like a slow simmering pressure cooker, or until something unexpected happens and brings a flood of unresolved overwhelming emotions bubbling to the surface.
You may suddenly experience painful emotions such as - dread, trepidation, impending doom, anxiety, fear, worthlessness, hopelessness, shame, embarrassment, aloneness.. somatic memories; felt memories in the body - you are being triggered; It might be a word, a glance or expression, a sound, a smell, an image or taste… this is your body remembering and warning you … ‘hey, sit up and pay attention.. this looks a lot like that trauma situation again that wasn’t great for you the last time.. nearly took you out’… thus tripping the Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn response …often referred to as emotional flashbacks…
I offer lived experience insight in my live trauma informed TRUST workshops ..(if you’re interested in attending, please contact me for details via the contact page of this website)
“It took over 50 moves before I recognised the pattern of ‘trigger equals flight’ for me and this is what was happening in my body …. I would try to resist, try to fight against it.. I couldn’t - the compulsion to run overwhelmed my ability to cope and I’d flee. One of my bosses would occasionally send a car to fetch me back into work after the flight response had taken me over. Red faced, I’d slip back into my seat at my desk, ashamed and embarrassed, the butt of the jokes ‘another woman unable to cope with the pressure of a man’s world’ was the assumption - or rag-week, as it was described by my colleagues. I was incapable of explaining it at the time, I didn’t have the vocabulary .. ‘
Over 50 relocations! … imagine that!
Moving house is a mammoth task.. moving location… finding a house… a new school.. a new job, Doctors, Dentist, Library, etc… moving house once or twice is enough for most people, and yet once triggered, the compulsion to run was so strong in me I could have my entire life, family, dog, possessions packed up and squeezed into a Nissan Micra and away within a matter of hours! From experience I learned - Trauma shows itself in relationships and toxic work environments..
Imagine how exhausting it would be to keep moving like that! and yet the adrenaline from the trigger filled me with so much energy - I never felt more alive than when I was in a space of ‘compulsion to run - determined to flee..’
I once managed to secure school places, a job with a car and a rented cottage in a new location all within the space of a day and with next to nothing available financially.
I‘d inadvertently developed a rare skill set! #PlateSpinning - a tolerance for intensely stressful situations… Impressive? Absolutely not, this is no way to live/exist! It wreaks havoc on the nervous system and the nervous systems of those who dragged along for the ride. Trauma is passed on in our DNA and in our language and behaviours.. Albeit unintentionally, I was teaching my children the opposite to what I intended to teach them.. If Stephen Porges social connection system is safety and connection, and optimum wellbeing is a result of integration. my example was the polar opposite so instead of a healthy calm, peaceful and joyful life experience for the children I love so deeply, I was imparting a high tolerance for chaos and suffering… rather than safety, connection and stability, I was showing them, the worlds a hostile place, no one can be trusted, it’s safer quit and run.. it wasn’t an intentional lesson, more of a side effect of the trauma … nevertheless, the baton of generational trauma continued along its path journey to the next generation ..
"Those who flee are not yet free." Hegel.
Why keep running?
As explained in previous blog posts … this compulsion to run is triggered by a real or perceived threat..
‘A rolling of the eyes, a sideways glance, a sudden silence or whispers on entering a room, a critical word, or even an unintentional but perceived as being a critical comment- to name just a few instances that were once enough to set off my nervous system and trigger in me a panicked flight response! #compulsiontorun
If we look deeper and examine what is actually really happening…
a trauma event - life threatening.. (real or perceived)
A physical attack.. ongoing domestic violence - often referred to as type 2 trauma…
Overpowered by someone aggressive .. bigger, stronger, more powerful ..
(consider a time when you’ve felt powerless against someone or something more powerful than you! - how does your experience compare?)
Likened to Dr Peter Levines explanation of the Impala and the Tiger in the wild .. I represent the Impala, the aggressor represents the tiger! I’m in a confined space with no means of escape.. under attack! I’m no match for this level of aggression.. nothing has prepared me for it… like the impala who can feel the sharp claws of the Tiger reaching out - we realise we are caught.. as a result, the body releases chemicals that numb the pain and the immobility response is triggered .. the Impala falls to the ground and plays dead - it’s the impalas last remaining shot at survival, numbing the pain before life draws to it’s an horrific end.
This happens to all mammals .. you & I, we are no different …
I’m under attack, I collapse, I can’t breathe…
I lose consciousness as the grip of the aggressors hands tighten around my neck… …….like the Impala - I’m out..
As the impala lies helpless, the tiger withdraws to admire its win and catch its breath .. when suddenly- the impala jumps up and runs off before the Tiger realises what’s happening.. The impala gets away!
I stir, regaining consciousness.. my aggressor is perched, head in his hands on the end of the bed, undoubtedly contemplating the rest of his life behind bars - he thinks I’m dead - he believes he’s killed me this time.. he gets up, runs down the stairs and leaves..slamming the door behind him..
Leant up and supported by the wall, my mind and body are in shock, I can hardly move. I sit there for hours.
Over the coming days I feel as though my soul has been sucked out of my body and is standing outside of myself- observing from a distance. My physical body is heavy, I’m going through the motions, disconnected, disengaged.
Silent tears fall uncontrollably from my eyes though I feel nothing - I am exhausted and numb. I’m in a different place. Things look similar but they are different..dark, empty, disused and derelict. Cobwebs and demons, like a haunted house in a horror movie..or a sunken pirates ship… dark, dismal with the stench of rotting corpses.
Stephen Porges knows this place as Dorsal!
If I were a client and you a therapist - and I I was trying to describe this place to you, I would use words like ‘void, empty, dark, cold, damp, eerie, lonely …pay attention therapists ..this may be a nervous system in a dorsal vagal state …
When I think of it, I’m reminded of a psalm I heard in church as a child ..
‘As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.. I fear no evil’ and for me at that time this was true, for I felt no fear- I felt nothing.. I was completely and for a while, comfortably numb.
Somehow I muster the energy to drag myself to my parents house and knock on their door and wait.
Someone answers ..
I watch myself - by body, go inside .. I cannot speak to them, they appear panicked at the sight of my bodies distress .. water continues to fall out of my eyes- I have no control over anything, my body sits down while I observe from a safe distance. I’m trapped in this Dorsal world but I do not consider or even contemplate leaving. I recall thinking - My children are safe. They are being cared for, I can stay where I am. Dorsal feels safer than the other.. real world - even though it’s dark and murky - I am alone, hidden from sight.. I stay put…
I observe as my concerned parents escort my heavy clumsy body into the car and then into to the GPs surgery. It looks like me but it’s unlike me .. my body is doing as it is told without question or back chat. My parents & Dr P exchange words - I’m not paying attention. I can see my physical body slumped in a chair, sandwiched between my two concerned parents.. the Doctor, sat behind his desk, in front of these 3 bodies .. is saying words, but I’m not there. I’m elsewhere and something else has my attention..
Its a voice coming from within… faint at first but getting louder … it’s warning me - “get up, don’t just sit there you idiot” the voice is familiar.. it’s forceful .. determined
“ Medication… Really? ‘ … the voice is yelling at me.. sarcastic and demanding ..‘“okay - let’s just sit here shall we while they medicate you!, let’s make it easy for him why don’t you -just give up and let him win .. and that will be the end of it … and the end of you…! ..” Louder, more forceful - the voice insists .. and calls me by my name - “… get up now and take care of your children - they need you, they need you well - Now!”.. and I’m back in the room …
“ I’m okay - my physical voice announces.. I will be okay”. I am back inside my body - Im not myself by a long way, Im not free.. - still one foot in dorsal but I feel different. Thoughts -that had previously stopped altogether since the attack started to enter my head.. like a frozen computer, buffering back into existence. “We need a plan” the inner voice advised and so started daring to allow thoughts about what should happen next to whirl inside my head. Unsure, uncertain thoughts and feeling very unsettled and unsafe I thought about finding the exit. From the comfort of my parents sofa where I stayed, hidden from the world for several weeks while a tended to my wounds, nurtured my children in safety and eventually contemplated the terror of jumping back on the conveyer belt and rejoining the real world.
On the morning that I returned to my smashed up house,anxious, fearful, with trepidation filling ever cell of my being despite the assurances from the powers that be that it was safe for me to do so.. the abuser was waiting in the wings with a lump hammer, determined to end my days.
Some how, some way .. that my body would remember.. I managed to run to safety. This attack correctly triggered my flight response and the compulsion to run locked on .. Had I paid attention to my body, I would never have returned to that house..I believed I had no choice .. I now know - we always have a choice…. listen to your body and choose life!
What should happen following an attempt to end a person’s life? The same thing that should happen (but doesn’t happen often enough in reality) when a person is injured or abused .. .
Wrapped in care, concern, compassion, love, warmth, safety, protection… it’s the the perpetrator who should be seeking help to understand their disordered behaviours.. not the victims!
Social animals - We are hard-wired as humans to receive support through loving, caring, protective relationships .. that’s how human attachments form… it keeps us safe and regulated and has done since we were cavemen foraging for food … if we don’t receive support, we become disconnected …
In order to lessen the impact of trauma, victims should be seen, heard, supported, wrapped in love, protected and cared for.. not made to feel like the problem because they are an nervous, fearful, anxious wreck..
#CUE
#congruence = the first core condition of the person centred approach..
when I’m sad - I cry ✅
when I’m happy -I laugh✅
When I’m angry - I stomp and shout ✅
when I’m abused - I’m an anxious wreck ✅
When I’m attacked, when my life’s threatened - I run ✅
when I can’t run because my abuser is bigger, stronger, more aggressive, more powerful than me .. I collapse into a dorsal state and become detached and numb…✅
Natural and correct responses! ✅
For me, the flight response was well and truly locked on, and was tripped by even the slightest hint of aggression directed towards me. ‘A rolling of the eyes interpreted by my hyper-vigilant brain ‘that persons disapproving of you .. they are annoyed.. they are angry .. they will kill you - run for your life! And run I did.. over and over and over again..
On the outside I appeared to be crazy.. ‘unsettled, dis-organised, irresponsible, irrational.. a whole cluster of labels considered ‘disordered’ that could apparently be easily numbed and reordered by medication. What I really needed to experience was TRUST … Trigger= Reassurance, Understanding, Safety and Truth. Once I found someone who was able to support with Reassurance, Understanding, Safety and Truth, in a safe, non-judgmental way, my nervous system calmed and the compulsion became more manageable allowing room for healing and recovery. Healthy, supportive relationships matter and aid our recovery ..the opposite is also true - unhealthy relationships hinder recovery… boundaries are essential..
I didn’t ever consider myself disordered.. I knew what had happened- I was there, When someone is trying to kill you and nobody is trying to stop them!
The correct response is to run ..
The only disordered aspects of my experience was the behaviour of the perpetrator and the lack of interest and protection afforded to me by the people tasked with protection.
He’d walked away with a fine he never paid and got on with his life. I spent my life running around the country, trying to escape the trauma that I hadn’t realised was trapped inside of me and like an unwelcome stowaway - I was running and taking it with me!
‘Different places, different faces.. same old set of circumstances’ - all roads leading back to square one - until you pay attention and notice the patterns .. round and round we go..
My advice ..
Stop running ….
Stop hiding …..
Stop and pay attention…
Trauma, like vampires thrives under the cover of darkness ..my suggestion is ..
Become curious about what’s happening to you…
Get yourself some support from someone who knows the truth about trauma and it’s impact..
Get yourself active and burn off the chemicals… cycling worked for me which is why we offer a free cycling for mental project…
Find an holistic therapy that works for you.. EFT is a good one for bringing trauma into the light and set yourself free…hence our affiliation with Helena and the EFT and Mindfulness Centre.. highly recommended ..
Remember…
“Trauma is not what happened to you…
Trauma is what happened inside of you, because of what happened to you” - Gabor Mate
If you are interested in attending our live, CPD Accredited Trauma Informed TRUST workshops - please email Deborah to info@apositivestart.org.uk for details.
Us & Them
I recall the day that my last unhealthy relationship ended ..
I wasn’t expecting to be in an unhealthy relationship again to be honest… I was older now, wiser (allegedly), more self-aware. I’d overcome.. I’d been there, done that… got the T Shirt, and matching sweater… I’d worked on myself… I knew stuff… at least I’d convinced myself I did…
… The last words he said to me as he threw his belongings into the back seat of his car .. hit me so hard I was sent reeling backwards, winded..
Awful, hurtful words… that would change me and
my life forever…
“ You were no challenge for me … far too easy … you were so desperate to be loved”
Ouch….
wounded…… viscerally…
I knew by how hard it had landed that as hurtful as it was.. there was truth in it …… #emptynest
and so the real journey of recovery began …
I learned an awful lot from that experience… including this… 👇
No one is more vulnerable than the person who believes they are not!
Don’t kid yourself… Ask yourself, what makes a person vulnerable? We all fit into it somewhere …
Every last one of us is vulnerable.. one way or another…
I regularly notice, especially in services … there’s this unspoken belief that the service user, client/patient/customer… are the vulnerable ones and we, over here .. the service providers .. we are the helpers….. the fixers… the not-vulnerable support …
Not true …
We must be mindful .. that we are all too often leaving ourselves out of the judging!
A truly person-centred approach recognises the individual as the expert…
not the service provider.. the service user … don’t let ego convince you otherwise..
Pay attention…
Don’t fall into that same trap of believing ‘it’s other people over there who are the vulnerable ones and I’m all sorted I’ve lived.. I know stuff …
Because life as a way of bringing us back down to Earth with an almighty bump… teaching us a lesson we convinced ourselves we’d already learned…
#personcentred
#healingjourney
#livedlessons
#TheTruthTheWholeTruth