Last night I observed the recently released Netflix documentary about the serial child sex offender; Jimmy Savile…
I don’t watch much television these days, apart from the occasional documentary as and when I find the time. I stopped watching the News completely a few years back, after becoming consciously aware of how the 24/7 fear mongering in its various forms, was impacting my emotional and physical health. It was during the outpouring that followed Princess Diana’s passing, that I first noticed how the media held the nations collective attention in a headlock; driving our thoughts and feelings about issues that we rarely have any control over. Draining emotions and shaping perspectives, I liken it to an abuser in a toxic relationship, which sadly, I have ample experience of.
I became mindful of the need to protect myself and to manage this constant assault on my senses, having experienced the joy being sucked from my body and replaced by fear and anxiety – which isn’t conducive to a healthy lifestyle. Keeping good health rates high on my list of priorities, if it rates highly on yours, may I suggest being mindful of what you are exposing yourself to on a regular basis. I digress.
As a kid growing up in the 70’s and 80’s however, it was an entirely different story. I loved watching television and it consumed a huge chunk of my time. The TV was always on in our house, often with subtitles AND sound, which demanded our full attention. The constant distraction made conversation with other family members almost impossible, as we each followed the words on the screen, feeling the uncomfortable juxtaposition whenever the written words and moving mouths didn’t sync. Onomatopoeia for ‘be quiet’ ‘Shhh’, and ‘Shush’ were the only exchanges heard, as the characters of ‘Lizzie Dripping and Grange Hill, Sapphire & Steel and Jim’ll Fix it’ regular favorite’s held our attention and captured our imaginations. As a child the notion had crossed my mind of how this ‘staring behaviour’ might appear to lifeforms on other planets, assuming they exist. Observing humans spending most of their time staring at a box in the corner of a room, rather than participating in real life – how bizarre might that appear to an onlooker, I’d puzzle.
These days I deliberately choose when and what I watch, I tend to have more important things to do with my time. Even the briefest glimpses of so called ‘entertainment’ programmes I find deeply disturbing. Destructive relationships, grandiose personas and narcissistic behavioural traits irresponsibly portrayed as ‘acceptable’ or ‘normal’ in the name of entertainment for ratings, being constantly streamed into living rooms, influencing young minds everywhere; shaping the thoughts and behaviours of tomorrow.
I use the term ‘observe’ rather than watching this documentary, as I didn’t view it for entertainment value. The subject matter is relevant to my work and links in to last months Deb-On-Air podcast – 5 Ps of Grooming featuring the emotive interview with Jill about her families experience of being groomed by a perpetrator who presented as a helpful community minded sports coach.
( Here is a Link to the podcast on Spotify: 5 P’s of Grooming https://open.spotify.com/show/5mtNIBOG7FAFg9dcaHq2Fx .)
This months podcast, which is currently being recorded continues along the same theme with Narcissistic Behavioural traits. I am keen to raise awareness about the subject of grooming and dispel the common myth that many people buy in to that grooming isn’t relevant to them. It is, because in reality You are being groomed, you just don’t know it yet – which is also the title of my book and one of our CPD Certified workshops.
A reminder of the 5 P’s of Grooming…
1. People, NOT Monsters
The first of our 5 Ps is PEOPLE – People Groom, People Manipulate, People Abuse!
From the outset, Savile is labelled as a ‘Monster’ in this documentary – which links perfectly to the catchy title; ‘A British Horror Story.
I raised the question in our last podcast about how the media’s portrayal of ‘Stranger Danger’ in the 70’s and 80’s, led us to look for the wrong people in the wrong places. The media shapes our perception. While many people will undoubtedly agree that Savile was indeed a Monster, labelling in this way sets people apart, we reason that ‘Monsters’ are different to us – and it’s ‘ those labelled people over there, who are different to us, who are not to be trusted! Without realising it, we start to believe that there is something easily recognizable about those who are considered different to us. We inadvertently keep a look out for behaviours that we consider different – weird and creepy.
Let us not forget, Throughout the grooming process, the narcissist is ‘qualifying’ the victim. Reflecting the victims wants and needs, hopes and desires back at them. They know exactly what the victim considers to be ‘good, acceptable behaviour, and they produce a carbon copy that they present to the victim. This is why victims of narcissistic abuse believe they have met their perfect mate in phase one of the relationship. We trust the behaviours that WE consider ‘good’ according to our own understanding of what ‘good’ behaviour looks like, and we let our guard down with those people who display ‘good behaviour’ – leading us straight back into the perpetrators trap!
According to figures released by the NSPCC, the charitable organisation tasked with protecting children for over 130 years; more than 90% of sexual crimes committed against children are committed by someone ‘Known to the child’ – less than 10% resulting from stranger danger!
Ironically, the documentary revealed how Savile himself was involved in the ‘Stranger-Danger’ campaigns of the time! Excuse my sarcasm, but of-course he was! can you even think of a more cunning plan to protect your own perverse identity, than to throw people off the scent and send them down the wrong path in search of weird strangers? While we were all paying attention to strangers in play parks offering a quarter of pick and mix or ‘a sneaky peak at some puppies and while we were busy scrutinizing middle aged men sitting outside schools in beat-up old ford Cortina Estates with makeshift, metal coat hanger aerials as depicted in the stranger danger adverts, the most prominent and recognizable figures being streamed into British households, were busy abusing children as young as 5 years of age; Jimmy Savile, Gary Glitter, Rolf Harris to name but a few. These are people we were convinced we knew, friendly, charitable, talented, successful people whose persona had us convinced they were trustworthy! Nobody really knew Savile or the other characters, they didn’t even know themselves. But no one considered them strangers, we all believed we knew them well!
It is time to stop looking for Monsters, we are NOT dealing with Monsters – Monsters are easy to spot. We need to stop labelling people, and start paying closer attention to behaviours instead. This is just one of the reasons why we advocate for a Trauma Informed society and why we run Trauma Informed Courses.
With hindsight we can all observe and agree that Jimmy’s behaviour is ‘Weird’ and ‘Creepy’ but lets not forget that his behaviour was NOT considered either Weird or Creepy for more than 50 Years! On the contrary, Savile was celebrated as a ‘wonderful, charitable eccentric’ by the most influential figures in the country including the Prime Minister and Members of the Royal Family.
Such behaviour is rarely considered odd at the time. Its usually only considered ‘Weird or Creepy AFTER the fact when you have all the information and can piece together the bigger picture /or, as it too often the case, when somethings gone terribly wrong. Its never during the process, when you are completely sold on an idea, otherwise there would be no unidentified perpetrators in the world! If you liken it to buying a sought after used car ‘sold as,’ and ‘appears’ to be in pristine condition – you only come to suspect you’ve been sold a lemon, after its broken down umpteen times and is costing you an arm and a leg!
Lets stop labelling and start paying attention!
2. Persona – We are all capable of presenting our ‘Best Self’!
The second of our 5 Ps is PERSONA – Hiding the True Identity!
Throughout the documentary we witness Savile’s persona. One of the 4 main architypes as described by Swiss psychiatrist and psychotherapist Carl Jung. The Key to ‘Grooming a parent, a community and/or a nation is to ‘Sell an idea’ of the image Savile (et al.) wants people to ‘believe’ in.
“A Persona is a mask or façade presented to satisfy the demands of the situation or environment, and not representing the inner personality of the individual. The Public Image. (C J Jung)
Let’s face it, most of us have a ‘persona’ of sorts, and the majority of people are capable of presenting their ‘best selves’ to the world whenever its needed! More now than ever since the launch of the internet and social media.
- First Dates – you don’t tell a potential mate that you bite your toenails or leave your socks strewn about the place – you tell them all the good stuff instead that is likely to secure a second and third date!
- Job Interviews – you don’t tell a potential employer you used your former employers stationery cupboard as your personal supply for the local pub quiz team, you tell them whatever secures you the job!
- The Public Image (Actor/ Actress/Politician/Police/Civil Service) – you don’t want to see a police-officer standing outside a crime scene, sucking on a vape or munching a Kebab because that isn’t the image of a professional.
Many of us have been taught not to wash our dirty linen in public or embarrass ourselves with public displays of emotion. As a result, regardless of how we may be feeling underneath, we tend to bury the emotion, smile through gritted teeth and just ‘get on with it’; we might convince others they should do the same. Burying emotions is unhealthy. In counselling, I liken painful emotions to vampires; they thrive under the cover of darkness and dissipate when we bring them into the open and shine a light in a safe and non-judgement setting. Remember, emotions don’t make us weak, they make us human!
Throughout the documentary we witness Savile engaging, supporting and being supported by, senior members of the royal family. If ever there was a family that put Public Image before anything else, its the Royals. Persona is a way of life for them, ‘stiff upper lip’ – they know nothing else. Many of us watched two little boys hold it together in front of a nation, while walking behind their Mums coffin, most adults would struggle with that. Unless you experience contrast, how can you tell the difference between someone who is being genuine and someone who is wearing a mask of persona?
How can anyone of us tell the difference you may well ask? Congruence is the answer!
All of our work at APS CIC is underpinned by Carl Rogers Core conditions of the Person-Centred approach. I use the acronym CUE in all of my workshops, (CUE the person-centred approach), Because CUE serves as a reminder of the 3 most important core conditions the first of which is Congruence. Unconditional Positive Regard and Empathic Understanding make up the other two.
Congruence is the opposite of Persona!
Many service and organizations, profess to deliver a ‘Person-Centred’ approach, I often wonder how many involved truly understand the meaning of Congruence or CUE for that matter?
Congruence is the most important attribute, according to Rogers. This implies that the individual is real and/or genuine, open, honest, integrated and authentic during their interactions with others. When we are present and paying attention, Congruence can be ‘Felt’. We often talk about ‘Energy and Vibes’ when we are discussing people. Many of us have experienced that feeling of when someone walks into the room and the whole room lights up with an invisible positive energy – creating ‘good vibes’ and putting people at ease. Likewise, the same can be said for bad vibes and negative energy when we suddenly feel uneasy or uncomfortable but may struggle to ascertain why.
During the documentary, former TV Presenter Selina Scott explains whilst looking back at an interview with Savile, how she remembers feeling very differently about him, despite ‘acting’ as though she was enjoying flirting, even kissing Savile at one point. Selina confuses to feeling uncomfortable in his presence. At this point, neither Savile or Scott are being ‘Congruent’, instead both are presenting a Persona to the world.
How do you achieve congruence?
- Pay attention to what you are feeling and thinking. A necessary start for achieving congruence is to notice our internal state. …
- Be yourself. …
- Don’t hide behind facades. …
- If you’re wrong, own it! …
- If you don’t have an answer to a question, admit it.
3. Process – Grooming is a Series of Steps or Actions leading to a desired outcome!
The third of the 5 Ps is Process – Grooming is a Process, not a single action!
It can be difficult to imagine an individual capable of deliberately setting out to cheat someone, with a preplanned agenda and an end game already in mind. Most of us struggle to imagine it because we are viewing it from our own perspective as something that we just would not do, rather than viewing from the other persons perspective. We imagine, that we all think the same way – the truth is, we don’t! For a narcissist like Savile, this is a way of life. Everything he did was for personal gratification – including the charitable work passed off as acts of kindness.
Regardless of the request, Savile would have delivered the solution and he would have delivered it in much the same grand way. Nothing is by chance, everything is deliberate – showing the world what an amazing, selfless, thoughtful man he is, Savile seized every opportunity to showcase these enormous gestures.
What is experienced on the inside, is often expressed on the outside and can be observed in our behaviours.
The narcissist abuser is a ‘Problem Solver’, a Solutions Architect – the Saviour!
“In the middle of every difficulty, lies opportunity” – Albert Einstein
‘Seek out the individual with a problem and provide them with a solution! – Dynamic Sales Training, Reg Vardy’s 2000
As the documentary continues we are invited to review Savile’s array of highly successful charitable campaigns. We hear one person describing how they can only ever view Savile as being a ‘Good’ person based on their experience of being the beneficiary of one of his charitable pursuits, and that’s what Saville was banking on – his Persona bought, hook line and sinker. We heard some people defending him, one voice over stating ‘why drag it up now he’s gone’. Some people are fortunate enough never to be on the receiving end of vile abuse, they cannot begin to comprehend it. While others find it almost impossible to accept that someone who appears capable of doing a good deed, is equally capable of committing heinous crimes.
“It takes the heart longer to accept, what the head already knows”!
We observe Savile running, cycling and walking – at one point we hear how he raised over £10 million for the Stoke Mandeville Spinal Injuries hospital, where he was obviously viewed as a ‘Hero’ a ‘Saviour’ 10 million was a lot of money then. We hear how Thatcher liked his ‘can do attitude’, again, this was not by chance – how else was shapeshifter Savile going to move up the ladder of influence to secure the highest honors in the land? By morphing into the ‘kind of person’ Thatcher would be prepared to support. All part of the act, an image by design.
Savile himself admits, his charitable acts were leverage, he was intent on bartering with God. A practicing Catholic, Savile was deeply concerned about not getting a place in Heaven because of his vile abusive behaviours on earth. Savile clearly recognise’s how his behaviours are morally wrong, yet at no point does Savile express any kind of concern, regret or remorse for his 400+ abused victims, on the contrary his concerns throughout are only ever about how his behaviours might prevent him from securing a place in heaven. He is so concerned about himself, that when is body is found by the undertaker, his fingers are crossed! Right to the very end he is hoping that God will forgive him, let him ‘away with it’ like others have done, and allow him into heaven!
The charitable acts that we witness in the documentary, are purely acts of leverage, they are all part of the process as described in the invisible seduction. The seduction isn’t set out in a pre-planned fashion like a business plan – even though we might imagine it that way in the aftermath. As the name suggests, the process is invisible – silent and seamless, it comes naturally to the perpetrator, second nature – auto-pilot. It is carried out in stealth and few people on the receiving end will see it until its already too late, as demonstrated in our grooming behaviours workshop; ‘You are Being Groomed, You Just Don’t Know it yet.
This is a way of life for a narcissist who sees everyone as fair game. They approach every situation as a means to an end. This behaviour is alien to most of us, or at least it happens outside of our awareness. We describe these behaviours as cold and calculated. Unnerving behaviours, that are judged as deceitful by those who didn’t see it coming. It leaves the victim feeling violated, disturbed and stupid in the aftermath having been compromised, this gives rise for the need to separate ourselves from this awfully uncomfortable behaviour. We prefer to label people like Savile as ‘Monsters’ and ‘Abnormal’ to put distance between ‘them and us’. In reality, we miss this kind of behaviour for three reasons;
1) because it is so common placed in our society we no longer notice it, 2) because we are so often disconnected from ourselves in the present moment, rushing around willy-nilly with our busy lives and our attention distracted, that we are ‘not living in the present’ – we are oblivious to it while it is taking place in front of us – it is hidden in plain sight and 3) perception!
4. Perception – What I can make you believe!
The fourth of the 5 Ps is Perception and what I can make you believe.
Most of us think with our eyes, and believe what we see. Despite the fact that there is more access to information now than ever before, many people do not question anything. They judge based on what the ‘See’ – seeing is believing, they believe what they see to be true according to their own ‘values and principles’.
I recently read a case in which a judge was incredibly lenient with a child rapist, his reasoning being that ‘up until THIS incident the perpetrator had PROVEN HIMSELF to be, an upstanding member of the community’!!
A Judge no less! An individual entrusted with the task of ‘Fairness and Equality! of ensuring justice prevails for the innocent and punishment is afforded the guilty, yet in this and in many other cases, a Judge who appears to be entirely ignorant of how the 5 P’s of grooming, and particularly the ‘Persona’ element of a perpetrator works.
If what you consider to be a good person is someone who appears to be – friendly, charitable, community spirited, helpful etc. then Savile had it sussed!
If what you consider to be ‘Professional’ is a tailored suit and an nice office – most of us can achieve ‘Professionalism!
If what you consider to be ‘Trustworthy’ is someone wearing a nationally recognised uniform of trust – be that – Police officer, Doctor, Clergy, Politician, Judge, Paramedic or Tutor, then everyone becomes trustworthy in your eyes. Its the White-Coat Effect on a larger scale.
“Never stop questioning – curiosity has its own reason for existing” – Albert Einstein.
Only when we look back with hindsight do we realise that all the warning signs were there all along. We missed them, and then we beat ourselves up wondering how on earth could we not notice something so blatantly obvious. We didn’t notice because we were not paying attention and we believed without question.
The process itself consists of 6 key stages and includes an invisible seduction, a range of behaviours demonstrated in the workshop
5. Pressure – Pay attention to how you feel
The fifth of the 5 Ps is Pressure – Listen to your body, your body always knows best!
Someone who has your best interests at heart does not make you feel awkward, obligated or guilty.
Watch Savile when he’s flirting with Selina Scott – he keeps eye contact, he zones in on her and holds her gaze. Watching it you can imagine how uncomfortable that feels. Scott awkwardly attempts to discourage, giggling uncomfortably at Savile’s advances, but Savile persists. If Selina pays attention to her body in this moment, she will feel that uncomfortable feeling that I refer to as pressure in the 5 Ps of Grooming, a feeling of resistance experienced viscerally throughout the body.
In our workshops we use the STAND approach to help in this situation.
STOP – Slow the process down
THINK – pay attention to how you feel in this moment
ACT – put your own interests first – act in a way that makes you feel safe, be truthful about how you feel, SAY NO IF YOU MEAN NO
NEVER – don’t people please, don’t allow yourself to feel obligated,
DOUBT – never over ride or undermine yourself, don’t worry if you are reading it wrong, always go with what makes you feel better
Narcissists are keen observers, intuitively picking up on a lack of confidence and self esteem in their victims. Like lions stalking their prey, they hone in on those who are too nice or too polite to challenge them. They sense weakness, which I describe in the workshop as ‘White Flags’ of surrender. They instinctively know which adults they can target and just as importantly, which adults they cannot. Abusers like Savile, groom the adults to win them over before they even begin to think about grooming the child. Parents are the first and often only line of defense in protecting a child! Be aware of your own vulnerabilities.
Accepting Responsibility
People were quick to distance themselves from Savile.
People are often quick to distance themselves from abusive behaviour and perpetrators, fearful for themselves rather than their first thought being for the victim. Most people don’t ever want to be associated with someone who has been labelled as a paedophile or a child abuser, let alone admit to knowing them as a friend – it’s perfectly understandable. People often become so keen to protect themselves, they appear to lose sight of their duties to protect innocent children from harm, denying all knowledge, when truth could potentially save many more children from being abused. Instead of speaking out, they attempt to justify this ‘distancing behaviour’ by convincing themselves and others that they didn’t have a clue, still our bodies keep the score and we can’t escape from ourselves.
We witness distancing behaviour throughout this documentary, from those who clearly knew or at least suspected and chose to do nothing, to those who are still in denial.
The BBC, other celebrities, several members of the Royal family, Margaret Thatcher and other Politician’s, along with Savile’s closest staff members who undoubtedly witnessed the abusive behaviour and turned a blind eye, which is seen when one of them picks up a young woman, dropping her in front of Savile who announces on camera that he will ‘have her later – take her away’, the female victim is then carried off! – Serving police officers, Savile’s colleagues and associates who having heard the mounting rumor’s about Savile and others like him, but dismiss the rumors out of hand. Never questioning; always keen to protect their own reputations while blatantly ignoring the damage that they suspected was being done to innocent child victims. We always have a choice! We can either do the right thing, or we can move to protect ourselves – either way, we each must live with our choices.
Watching the flurry of distancing behaviours reminded me of the feedback I regularly receive following a workshop. On reflection, professionals tasked with safeguarding children arrive at the conclusion that a workshop depicting Grooming Behaviours may be TOO uncomfortable for adults, reasoning that – ‘We don’t want to scare people!. In reality, Adults are unlikely to feel nearly as uncomfortable as a child that is being raped by a grown man, or abused and betrayed by a adult – this should ALWAYS be our first and our last concern in my view and until it is we can expect to see more of the same. Most adults can come to terms with feeling uncomfortable if it saves a child from being abused! Adults should protect children, not the other way round.
Because of his Persona – Savile secured a status of celebrity that most can only dream of. Because of this status, Savile – as is so often the case with fame and fortune, was not subject to the same checks as the rest of us would be.
High profile Services are often reluctant to add their names to the work of third sector Organisations, who are working tirelessly to protect innocent victims – for fear of something going wrong. Yet stick a celebrity in front of these same services, and they bypass every rule in the book and through caution to the wind in order to accommodate said celebrity! Savile managed to find his way into numerous hospital wards and children’s homes – putting him directly in contact with many of his vulnerable victims. Something is seriously wrong with this system; Ego appears to be running the show.
Regardless of education, knowledge, skills, understanding and lived experiences in the field, its unlikely that you or I will ever be awarded an honorary degree or be invited to sit on the Board of a secure hospital like Broadmoor, and yet Savile, an unqualified disc jockey, found his way in to both. While there is no mention of it in the Netflix Documentary, according to the book by Robin Perrie entitled, ‘I’m the Yorkshire Ripper: Conversations with a killer, Savile befriended serial murderer Peter Sutcliffe, visiting on a regular basis. Surely, this is considered questionable behaviour by anyone’s standards? If you are as famous as Savile was, and can literally afford to ‘buy’ anyone’s friendship, why would you choose to befriend a serial killer in Broadmoor? What was the purpose of Saviles visits? did anyone think to ask?
Complaints were raised about Savile’s behaviour at Broadmoor but were again dismissed out of hand, despite what one might assume would be ‘obvious’ concerns for the health and safety of the hospitals vulnerable patients. An anonymous letter intended to bring Savile to the attention of the police, was buried by the police. We live in a society that considers fame and fortune to be more important than truth and justice. A society where negative behaviours are given far more airtime than positive behaviours because the negative is considered more entertaining, grabs peoples attention and brings in more money.
Facebook whistleblower Frances Haugen accused the social media giant of putting “astronomical profits before people”, while harming children and destabilizing democracies in her testimony to the US Congress. Haugen said Facebook knew it steered young users towards damaging content and that its Instagram app was “like cigarettes” for under-18s. In a wide-ranging testimony, the former Facebook employee said the company did not have enough staff to keep the platform safe and was “literally fanning” ethnic violence in developing countries.
The truth is, Facebooks behaviour is merely a continuation of the narcissistic behavioural traits that have become common placed in our culture. You can witness grooming behaviours any day of the week by visiting your local target driven car dealership. If we are serious about protecting our children, we need to change our thinking and the way we treat people, across the board.
The link to ACEs Trauma
The use of Persona to fool people into believing they are someone they are not, is considered to be a narcissistic trait – not to be confused with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) that requires a diagnosis from a trained professional.
During the documentary we heard about the ‘odd’ relationship that Savile had with his Mother.
The youngest of 7 children, Savile was brought up in a Religious environment as a Catholic, taught to fear the judgement of God. In a rare clip with his Mother, Savile asks why she beat him so much as a youngster, and his unapologetic elderly Mother, coldly responses “Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child” a common belief from yesteryear. ‘Spare the rod, spoil the child’ – ‘Children should be seen and not heard’ -‘Leave baby to cry itself to sleep’, ‘Boys don’t cry, Men should be tough, Don’t air your dirty laundry in public’ – Asking for help is a sign of weakness’ etc, etc etc. A complete lack of understanding about human nature and the unquestioned beliefs of our Parents and Grandparents, has led to unhelpful learned behaviours being passed down from generation to generation, creating widespread complex Trauma.
We are now aware of the impact of Trauma and that when a Childs needs are not being met by it’s primary caregivers, (ignoring a baby when it cries), it often leads to ACEs Trauma (Adverse Childhood Experiences).
One of the causes of Narcissism is believed to be ACEs trauma.
Persona is a signature trait of narcissism; a mask used to protect a fragile sense of self. A lack of empathy is another trait.
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another persons situation, and see life from the perspective, rather than seeing it from your own. Someone who is narcissistic is unable to empathize with others, only ever seeing their own perspective. They are also unable to experience empathy from others.
Where one might choose a greetings card for the sentimental verse written inside that makes us feel a gush of emotions, to send to a loved one on a special occasion perhaps – someone lacking in empathy reads only printed words on paper, the words hold no emotional meaning for them.
When Savile asked his Mother why she beat him so often, where many of us would have felt sadness or sympathy at the thought of a child being beaten – or felt the flush of embarrassment as the parent being exposed for beating a child, note in the documentary how there is no emotional response from either Savile or his Mother, who held a smile throughout the exchange.
Communication is all we have to let others know how we are feeling. When our feelings are dismissed, ignored or minimized – or when they are met with a lack of concern and empathy, we may feel belittled, disregarded, unseen and unheard – all of which are common triggers for people suffering from complex (ACEs) trauma.
If we imagine All behaviours on a scale ranging from;
-0 people-pleasing behaviours at one end to +0 narcissistic behaviours at the opposite end, with balance being the Congruent behaviours at 0 in the middle – as shown below in fig 1.
Persona sits at both ends of the scale. Narcissistic behaviour uses the mask of persona to hide their true identity, while people-pleasing behaviour uses the mask of persona to hide their true feelings – opposite ends of the scale – both using Persona to the same ends.
When we stop labelling people and focus our attention on behaviours or more to the point, teach them to focus on their behaviours. When we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings, recognise and understand what triggers us and why. When we stop and listen to our bodies, and learn to adjust our behaviours accordingly, then and only then can we begin to heal from trauma and stop impacting others with our narcissistic and people pleasing behaviours. Change is entirely possible, if and only if the individual wants to change.
In our current project, Self-Discovery for Recovery we use an approach called RAPPORT which focuses on recognising and adjusting our behaviours and interactions with others.
Fig.1.
There are those however, abusers like Jimmy Savile who do not want to change their behaviours, they enjoy outwitting victims, their only aim is to get away with it. This is why it is Vital that people learn how to recognise the signs, know how to respond and protect themselves and others.
For advice and support on any of the issues raised in this blog post – Please get in touch