Religion and Spirituality
Religion and Spirituality
Just the mention of the word 'God', has been enough in years gone by, to make me want to turn away, to switch off and roll my eyes knowingly. The words "oh, here we go - more preaching" echoing in my mind.
From as far back as I can remember, I have been aware of God. God has been present throughout my life in one form or another. I've sometimes referred to the presence of God, as God, Lord and as Father during conversations within myself (internal dialogue). While at other times I've used the terms 'Source, Life Force or Infinite Wisdom, depending on who I was speaking to or how I have felt about God at the time. My journey with God could be described as turbulent. I am ashamed to admit that this has mostly been a one sided relationship, in which I have regularly played the role of abuser - all in and attentive one minute, dismissive and uninterested the next.
During different stages of my life, I have adored then, ignored. Relied then, denied. Abused, Accused, Pleaded and Begged, Blamed and been ashamed of, always taking for granted, but never really listening to what God might have to say. Never really understanding who God really is.
Being the eldest, religion was something of an issue for me as a kid, in as much as my relatively young parents hadn't quite worked it out yet. My Mum, a devout Roman Catholic who believed children should be brought up in the Catholic fold, my Dad, C of E, believed they should not. There was some push and pull about where us kids belonged religiously; as often happens in families, and so for the first 8 years of my life I was considered to be C of E, which essentially meant my Dad had won the argument. As a result, I attended a C of E school and God didn't really figure in any of it. I didn't need to attend church either within school or outside of it, apart from the odd hymn, school didn't involve a relationship with God at all. Religion for me felt distant, removed, cold and indifferent, it wasn't something I felt I was part of. I can say this now because I am able to make a comparison, but I didn't know anything different then, I just remember - God wasn't involved in my life and so I didn't really notice he was there. C of E School for me was about learning to read and write in ways that made the teacher happy, it had nothing to do with God.
By the time I was 9 my Mum had won over, and following our return from living in Africa, my siblings and I were christened Catholic and sent to a Catholic school. It was different - very different. Nuns doubled as teachers in this school - called Sisters, and they were married to God. A confusing concept for a 9 year old newbie, but seemingly not something to be questioned, because like God, Nuns were to be revered, especially this particular Nun, that was now to be my teacher.
Being a Nun who was married to God, essentially meant you were closer to God than the kids or any of the other teachers, therefore Nuns were tasked with keeping the kids in check by punishing them often enough to ensure they never toyed with any madcap ideas about misbehaving. You didn't actually have to do anything wrong to be in trouble in Sister Winifreds class. Sister, along with her trusty red pen, was a dab hand at child misbehaving prevention, an avid supporter of children in need, of a good stabbing with the aforementioned pen! She terrified me, which led to me frequently being stupefied in her presence - another behaviour she couldn't tolerate.
The Catholic School and The Catholic Church functioned as one as far as I could fathom. I was expected to attend Mass and Confession regularly at Church, while prayers and assemblies were continued in School. God would know those who didn't attend Mass, because He was always watching - and Sister would soon find out about it.
There were lots of new rules for a kid to learn, for example; It is considered rude to look behind you in Church and usually resulted in a thick ear! A harsh learning curve for an inquisitive kid. Turning your back on the alter in Gods house isn't the done thing, eyes forward, head down, honour and respect are the order of the day. I was introduced to Mary, Joseph and Jesus - this felt so much stricter, but strangely, it felt closer, warmer even, a togetherness which was intense at times. I fainted on numerous occasions in Church, I think it was due to the worry of getting things wrong - the smell of incense still makes me queasy. I didn't understand the relevance of the feelings back then, or why one religion felt different to me than the other - it has taken me half a century to figure it out and to understand what the feelings meant for me.
Growing up I was an observer of life. Watching, listening, digesting, interpreting. A quiet but challenging kid I imagine - always questioning things that were 'none of my business in an era when children should be seen and not heard rarely won me favour. I quizzed away silently - internally, drawing my own conclusions from the information I was observing. I could never understand the relevance of going to Church on Sundays to recite the same words over and over again; week after week, year after year, repeating the same thing - what did it mean? what was the purpose of it?. I haven't been to Mass in almost three decades but I can recite an entire Mass by heart.
Growing up a Catholic, I often wondered if this ritual was what made someone a good person. Attending church every Sunday and being able to remember all the right words and actions in the right order wasn't easy, but is this what makes someone a good person in the eyes of God? I had my doubts about that, and if this were to be the case, what about the rest of the week?
I knew some people who never missed Sunday Mass, but I had my doubts they were 'good people'. God would undoubtedly disagree with that. The playground bullies who appeared to forget about God during the week, the gossips and the judgemental, - those people who showed up for Mass dressed to the nines and looking fabulous, while eyeing up and down with an expression of pity or disgust, those of us dressed in less glamorous hand me downs; "You should stick to wearing your school uniform you should, it makes you look much less scruffy" was the kind advise I received from one hypocritical regular church goer. God didn't mind I don't think, he could see beyond clothing - he knew what was in my heart. I decided this is what confession must be about. Maybe God doesn't actually expect people to be good or even nice to each other all of the time, and as long as they are sorry afterwards, every week - then all is forgiven and God will be pleased! A peculiar set up I thought and one that I was aware baffled my paternal Grandad.
I wondered about the people who regularly turned up late for Mass, since I was always in bother for being late. They'd attempt, in vein to shuffle in unnoticed - clanging through the double doors with their car keys rattling during silent prayer. Clambering clumsily into the pew at the very back, which usually meant they ended up sitting next to me. A crisp five pound note would be neatly placed on top of the loose change in the offertory tray, then they would nip away early before Mass had even ended - seemingly way too busy to give God their undivided attention. I never once saw any late comers getting a thick ear or the hard stare, no one seemed to mind their tardiness or interruption, then adults are treated differently to kids. I often wondered if the fiver made a difference to God? It certainly caught my attention, since our family could only ever manage a few loose coins.
A fiver would have bought the required ingredients for a decent family sized meal. A favourite homemade meat and tattie pie perhaps, covered in a thick crust pastry, with lashings of gravy, that my Dad had perfected. Baked in the old Range in a huge metal mixing bowl, money well spent in my view! My meagre offering was usually a solitary scruffy ten pence piece, retrieved earlier from the back of the couch or pinched from my Mums purse to save me from the shame of having to pass the tray along without putting anything into it. On a bad week, when I turned up to Mass with no money for the offertory, I would take the round wooden tray from my neighbour with one hand, shaking it gently while holding a clenched fist over it with the other hand, creating the illusion that I was dropping coins onto the green felted wooden tray. As a child, I'd developed ridiculous ways of disguising elements of my life that I was embarrassed or unhappy about - having no money being one example. As an adult, I realise it is unlikely I fooled anyone with my coin rattling charade, but it helped to make me feel better.
On a good week, my offering was a shiny new 20 pence piece taken from my Mums empty steradent tube collection, which were her savings for a rainy day. In my mind it would have been better spent on a quarter of Kop-Kops from the little shop next door, and I'm ashamed to say, very occasionally it was. The indiscretion inevitably led to confession the following Saturday, 3 Hail Mary's, 2 Our Fathers and a Glory Be - I have to admit, it was worth it - I loved Kop-Kops . I wonder how many other kids confessed about their ill gotten sweet-fest in the confessional, or was it only me?. Either way, I was glad the shop keeper wasn't a Catholic else Sister would have had plenty to say about it.
Being a helper; handing out hymn books, offertory trays, playing the Organ, being an alter boy, reading out or singing a psalm- these things seemed to win favour. I'm not sure if it won any favour with God but being a helper certainly won over the Priests and the important people in the Parish. I wasn't a Church helper and my singing was and still is highly offensive, so I stuck to helping out the old people in our street and the residents in the old peoples flats. God wasn't there to witness it, but the old people, like Murray Mint George, Custard Cream Pat and our neighbour Auntie Pearl, known by the local kids as The Witch. They all appreciated help from my younger Sister and I, running errands in return for a Murray Mint, a soggy biscuit or a delicious coconut covered snowball - and in my mind, the old people needed our help far more.
Over the years I experienced many twists and turns on my journey with Religion; regularly feeling judged or frowned upon, restricted and not good enough, but this is neither the time or the place to go into that. Needless to say, I pulled away from the Church and it's teachings and as a result - I excluded God from my life for a while. Growing up I had come to know God as part of a religion. I was desperately trying to make sense of things that didn't make any sense to me. Reprimanded for asking questions about things I didn't understand, and treated as though I was being disrespectful by asking, when in reality I was seeking answers. I was regularly advised to 'just have faith' which never felt like an answer to me, I interpreted it as 'shut up and do as you are told'. Trying to figure out what this remote, mysterious, bearded super hero, that I envisaged looking down from his kingdom in the clouds, expected of me.
I was protective of my God; fearful of listening to other peoples ideas of religion incase it offended my One God. Affronted by people who attempted to force their religious beliefs onto me - those who appeared to assume their God was the right God, and a different God to mine. I got involved in many arguments about religion over the years, which wasn't really my intention. I closed the door on a God who I believed had stepped aside, leaving me alone to cope and allowing some of the darkest hours in my life to almost destroy me. A God who in my mind couldn't really love me as he had failed to intervene on my behalf.
For me Religion, with its hierarchy, rules, regulations and restrictions, with all its the pomp and circumstance, misogyny, preferences and exclusions - had clouded my judgement and confused my relationship with God. It has taken me almost half a century to truly connect with God, which I have achieved through the art of meditation - a practise previously known to me as prayer, albeit on a much deeper level.
Like pulling back the curtain to reveal Oz in the The Wizard of Oz, I found that by separating God from Religion, for me it revealed Spirituality. I discovered God within. With it came clarity, a feeling of connectedness, truth, light, insight and inner peace. I realise now that by having knowledge of God as a child, I'd learned the difference between what felt like being close and warm was God in my life and a sense of belonging, as opposed to the empty, distant coldness of not knowing God.
Religion had introduced me to God, and whether it had intended to or not, it had inadvertently taught me that God was an external being, a source outside of myself, a force to look up towards, to worship out-with, a Creator of all living things, looking down on me from above.
With Spirituality came the realisation that God is within me - within each of us, a part of us and within all living things - God is the universal life force that dwells within the souls of every single one of us and without it we are lost. By focusing my attention inward I am connected to God, an entirely different feeling to what I previously understood about God and religion. This has been a life changing experience for me, it has changed the way I live my life. It has changed how I treat myself and others. It has brought new understanding and clarity to things that are important to me. I recognise that not everyones journey or relationship with God, Religion or Spirituality is experienced in the same way and therefore this blog post may or may not make any sense to you, the reader. However, one thing I am absolutely certain of is that when God was excluded from my life, the emotions I experienced within myself felt cold, empty, uneasy distance; the reverse is also true.
I'm not suggesting for one minute that anyone else has or will experience either religion or spirituality the same way that I describe it here in this blog - I only ever speak for myself and my experience. I mean no disrespect to anyones beliefs or chosen religion, be that Catholic, C of E or other - all knowledge of God is valuable.
Through Spirituality I am closer to God and connected to the universe. I feel warmth, connectedness, peace, gratitude, contentment, love and joy. I see beauty in things that previously went unnoticed, I find joy in the simplest of tasks, gratitude for the love I feel and life that I share, understanding has replaced confusion, I feel grounded and contentment where once instability reigned.
If you are suffering within and have yet to find inner peace, my advice is - meditate, you can be sure the answers are within you. I wish you love and peace.
A Message To The Confrontational
Don't ever stop, standing up for yourself! Being a confrontational person is not a bad thing. In fact, in a world where our rights, our opinions and our way of life are constantly under scrutiny by those around us, it is a gift to be able to stand up and say your piece without worrying about the backlash. If you are confident in what you are saying, you are confident enough to engage in a healthy debate which maturely results in both parties concluding to either agree to disagree or come to an understanding about where each other is coming from. We call this "effective communication", a skill that sadly, seems to be phasing out in today's society - Unless we have a screen to hide behind, we cant seem to communicate so well.
So much is misinterpreted simply because the need to be right, out-weighs the need to understand and because of this, even the simplest of situations can be twisted and manipulated and be so blown out of proportion, it leaves us feeling utterly bewildered. We call this "wilful communication" - having or showing a stubborn and determined intention to do what one wants, regardless of the consequences.
When we confront someone, what we are doing is making that person aware that their words or behaviour in some way has caused hurt or upset and it is our right to stand up and speak out about it. In a recent incident with myself - where i was in the wrong - i had made a comment on something that did upset someone. The person messaged me to state their feelings and explain how it was from their point of view and she was right. I was thoughtless in my comment and without even trying to justify anything, i simply apologised, agreed that i was in the wrong and would know better in future. The issue was then resolved without any further damage being done.
Iv used my own wrong doing as the example here simply to show that even as i'm sat here today, a whole world away from where i used to be, i still make mistakes....because i'm still human! The difference is in how we respond to these confrontations. Only when we are able to stand accountable for our actions can we have the maturity to admit we are wrong without having to personally attack the person confronting us.
Confrontation is often mistaken as aggression. Especially from those who are purposely trying to trigger/gaslight or manipulate us into a reaction, so they can say we are the crazy ones and deny any responsibility on their part. These people aren't worth confronting and it doesn't take long in their company to realise this person has no interest in other perspectives or even trying to understand where others are coming from. The very people who will play victim and tell their family and friends how you have been so mean to them when the truth of the matter is, they have caused the problems themselves with their own words and actions to begin with but god forbid they are confronted and have to stand accountable.....this is where they twist confrontation and call it aggression. This is also where you separate the decent from the deceptive!
Through our own healing and self awareness, we come to a point where we know what is and what isn't worth confronting any more. We know the people who deliberately want to cause us harm in some way and by giving them the satisfaction of that confrontation, we give them the power to play victim again. When we step back and realise that the people who want to see us fail - and they are out there...The Smiling Assassins , as we call them - are the ones who have the most misinformation to gossip to others with about us in an attempt to try pull us down again. We realise then that they are not people who deserve the time of day from us so let them gossip. Not every action needs a reaction. The universe is watching them ones and will one way or another serve them their own karma in due course.
Embrace your confrontational side though. Its only offensive to those who are trying to manipulate you in some way. To the rest of us...its a strong character trait that will take you places when used respectably.
Pick your battles wisely....if they're not your monkeys, stay out of the circus!
By Sharon Paxton
Know Thy Self
The beliefs that we hold about ourselves shape our choices and our lives. The meaning we apply to the behaviours of others as children, often shapes our beliefs about ourselves. We are said do have accepted our conditioned thinking by the time we reach the tender of age of three years old.
If I believe I cannot do a thing or be a thing, the chances are, unless I am willing to challenge the belief I hold about myself, my assumption is likely to be correct – and I cannot do it or be it, because our thoughts impact how we feel and how we act.
‘Beliefs are just thoughts that we keep on thinking’!
We have the choice to examine the beliefs that we hold about ourselves and challenge the beliefs that are preventing us from living the life that we would choose for ourselves alternatively, we can choose not to.
The Choices We Make
Widely accepted, but seldom applied is the understanding that each of us are responsible for our actions, and we each live with the consequences of the choices that we make. It is important to recognise that the choices we make, given the information we have available to us at the time, and to the best of our capabilities – result as often as is possible, in outcomes that we are comfortable with or at the very least – outcomes that we can live with.
While the law recognises that people under a certain age are not accountable for decisions influenced by others (adults), having knowledge of this fact, does not stop the negative emotions of shame and guilt that a person carries within themselves for the badly thought-out decisions that they have made as young people; Decisions that have led to outcomes, that they have later come to regret. People often carry the weight of regret, shame and guilt for bad choices way into adulthood – knocking their confidence and self esteem; informing their future choices and shaping their adult lives.
Resolving these negative emotions within ourselves is an important part of the healing process.
Consider this: If I ask you which do you prefer Tea or Coffee? Chances are, you will find it easy to answer the question with minimum effort, automatic even – because you know what you like and don’t like. You may choose Coffee, because you don’t like Tea, or visa versa. You may choose neither – preferring a cold drink instead, or nothing at all because you’re not thirsty, or you’ve recently had a drink. The point I’m making is, you know what you prefer intuitively and whichever choice you make in that moment, is undoubtedly the right choice for you.
The problem which decision making arises when our judgement is clouded or our choices are influenced by another/others. Sometimes because others imagine they know what is best for us, and sometimes, not necessarily because the other person is intentionally influencing our decisions, but because we are choosing to put another persons beliefs, opinions and preferences before our own, maybe because we care about them and don’t want to upset or offend them, maybe through fear of rejection or criticism, or for other reasons, but whatever it is, it is still a decision that ‘we;, are making and that we will live with the consequences of.
To give a lived experience example;
In a previous relationship, many years ago now, my new partner initially presented as ‘the perfect mate’. He appeared funny, kind, attentive, intelligent and for want of a better word ‘really cool’. All the things I thought at the time were important qualities in a partner. I was impressed, because I was anything but cool, and I couldn’t really understand why someone as ‘cool’ as he was would be interested in someone as uncool and ‘straight laced as me. I wasn’t aware of it at the time, but this kind of thinking came from my own lack of self worth. I also wasn’t aware at the time, that a failure to recognise and address my own lack of self-worth, meant I was likely to keep revisiting the same situations; Different faces, different places – always the same outcome!
Not long into the relationship, he came to my house and I was listening to pop music, belting out the words to one of my favourite songs; Erasers ‘We’ll be together again’, while hoovering the living room carpet. “You’re not into that shite are you?” he said, turning the volume down on the ‘Ghetto Blaster’. Embarrassed by my preference, and fearful that my ‘uncoolness’ would be revealed, I immediately responded with “No, not at all – it just came on, I don’t usually listen to ‘shite like this”! I never listened to that song, or any kind of popular music that I had previously enjoyed, again during the relationship. However, when asked if I liked the heavy metal music that was his preference, I felt unable to say No, even though, the truth was, I absolutely detested it. It gave me a banging headache, but instead of saying what I truly felt, I fluffed around the question so not to appear ‘uncool, unintelligent or different to him. I also didn’t want to offend him with my honesty, so I skated around the question with things like; I’ve never really listened to it – to be honest! – I don’t dislike it, it’s pretty good” Complete tripe! I convinced myself I was being a ‘nice’ person, being considerate – making compromises – rubbish, I was lying to myself, compromising myself because I was afraid of being rejected by someone I had feelings for. For the duration of the relationship, I kept up this ridiculous pretense of ‘not minding‘ listening to the awful din that was his music choice and avoided listening to anything that he might consider ‘popular’.
It began with music, but it quickly spread into every aspect of life. The clothes I wore, the food I ate, the company I kept, even my values and beliefs.
It wasn’t long before I lost sight of who I was and the things I preferred. I felt as though I was disappearing behind this other person until I was completely overshadowed and no longer valid, I eventually lost sight of myself.
The guy was not cool in reality, he was incredibly violent and abusive. I eventually left the relationship after a particularly violent attack when he knocked me to the floor, held me down, and squeezed my throat with both hands until I passed out. It is by the Grace of God that I am here today to share my experiences with you.
The Responsibility We Take
For many years I was able to confidently say ‘None of it was not my fault’! He was the problem. But after the third, ( not always violent, but always controlling and/or abusive), I had to face up and accept that I had a part to ” play in the things that were happening to me. I was the common denominator, leaving me no choice but to ask of myself ‘What is it about me always leads me to here?” I embarked on a journey of self discovery that would change me and my life for ever for the better. (feel free to request these self discovery exercises and I will happily email them to you)
How you Feel, matters. How you think informs how you feel and how you behave. All to often we leave ourselves out of the judging and blame others for the unhappiness in our lives.
I came to understand that I am not responsible for the violent, abusive behaviour of another. As we said in the opening sentence, ‘We are each responsible for our own actions, we own our behaviour and live the consequences of our choices.
We cannot control the actions of another person no matter how much we may want to or how hard we try. We can however choose how we respond to the actions of others. We always have a choice!
We can come to understand how and when we give away our power to others. How and when we allow our choices, opinions and values to be overshadowed and over ridden by another. We can learn how not to do these things, and how to stand in our power, exercise our rights – or not!
We can learn how to challenge the beliefs we hold about ourselves, we can consider the words we use to describe ourselves, we can choose to change if we wish. We can choose to become more assertive and learn how to exercise our rights or we can choose to always point the finger and choose to continue on the path that we are on.
If you are experiencing negative emotions, it is very likely that you are going against yourself in some way, you may be ignoring your internal sat-nav that is alerting you to a problem. You may be doubting yourself, questioning yourself, or choosing to ignore yourself because you don’t want to face what listening to yourself means for you. After 30 years of searching for answers, I only found one way forward from this place of angst and confusion – and that is self-discovery! Looking within – the answers are within us – look within – know thyself!
The Truth About Healing
To be absolutely honest, its messy, emotional, overwhelming and exhausting. But with that comes the most amazing feeling of mental and emotional freedom when you can finally break away from the chains that have been holding you back in your own mind. The limiting beliefs you have had about yourself slowly subside. A level of confidence and determination shines through so bright that you no longer tolerate the things you once did and what a truly liberating feeling that is.
As with anything in the world, there is no 1 size fits all. This is particularly true when it comes to healing ourselves as the process of healing depends very much on the depth of our pain. The years we have carried it with us and the generally destructive behaviours and coping mechanisms we have displayed as a result. All this need to be addressed so we can identify our triggers, tune in with our bodies responses and learn to control our emotions in a more healthy and manageable way.
Taking responsibility is key! It is completely up to us individually to be responsible for our own healing. Unfortunately there is no magic wand that makes everything all better, that would be too easy. We are given the tools and guidance by those who support us through this difficult time to be able to find our way through but ultimately, it is up to us to put those things into practice and make the difference in ourselves.
In my own healing process i found journals very useful. Part of healing is solitude, distancing yourself from all the people and places that bring chaos to your life and so having a journal to write down how you are feeling is a safe and private way to just get things out your head. Wither that be in the form of poems, stories, memories or just a good old rant, write it down! In writing these things down, it gives us the chance to read it back out loud to our self and hear the words spoken rather than turning over in our head. I for one have on many occasion thought to myself after saying something "that sounded better in my head". When we vocalise something, we are giving our self the chance to actually hear how we feel rather than just thinking about it and this alone can change the way we start thinking. This is where we start facing our real feelings as opposed to suppressing them and that again is a major part of the healing process.
As i started feeling better, the journal entries became less and less but I would from time to time pick up my journal and read through past entries. It is at this point i realised just how far i had already come and reading the earlier entries actually made me feel really proud of myself and gave me the energy and motivation to keep going forward. In order to do that with a lighter heart and start letting go of the past, i sat down in front of a fire with my journal, read page by page and as i finished each one, i ripped out the page and threw it in the fire until the whole journal was left with just blank pages again. It was almost like a personal cremation of all the things that once weighed me down and it felt so uplifting. This can be done with photos, old letters or anything else that negatively impacts your state of mind or connects you with things that you no longer want in your life. Treat it like a funeral. Respectfully say goodbye to once was and open up to a new way of living, feeling, thinking.
Then start writing again! Open up the journal and start making new entries. As time goes on you will again see how much further you have come. There will always be hurdles and obstacles in our way but we learn to navigate them better as we grow and again, is a reflection of how far we have come in our own healing process. Repeat the "written cremation" as i like to refer to it as, as many times as you need to. This is your process, take as long as you need!
Music! The music we listen to very much influences our mood. If we are already feeling low, listening to songs that are generally about break ups, bad love or just generally have depressing lyrics, guess what?? That's how you are going to feel. Depressed! Music can also have the opposite effect. Create an uplifting playlist with positive messages in the lyrics. Play that playlist every morning and see the difference in your mood as the day starts. A few of my favourite songs and playlists that helped me through were, Blue October - Fear... Matchbox 20 - Unwell...Andreas Moe - Out Of Your Body...alex rainbird Music - there are so many compilations on youtube that are very uplifting and positively impact your mood. Have a listen to some and find one that makes you feel good.
The most important thing to remember in your healing process is, if it doesn't make you feel good.....stay away from it! You are making your way through the transitional tunnel of self love, self care and self respect. Setting your boundaries and protecting your heart. If the things around you don't contribute positively to that....its a sure sign you have outgrown them and are ready to move into the next level of healing.
Sending healing wishes to everyone who needs it. Stay strong....YOU CAN DO THIS!!
by Sharon Paxton
What if?......Why not?...
It's all too easy to let our trauma consume us. It's not something we automatically want to do but for some.....many.... there is seemingly nothing else to focus on to keep us motivated.
In my own experience, it was the positive feedback i got from outsiders, teachers, bosses, colleagues, friends...strangers even, which kept me in the mindset that i was capable of doing something positive with my own life. I think this is very important for anyone who is lacking the support of family members or for those who are in fact victimised by their own families, to realise that our biggest supporters are often those we dismiss because we expect the positive feedback from those closest to us.
Sometimes we lose sight of our abilities because we have been told too many times we don't have any by the very people who are supposed to love and care for us but the truth is, it is often the people we come into contact with on our journeys that give us a better evaluation of our capabilities. They are commenting from a non judgemental point of view and are merely saying what they see in us. That's where our focus is better placed.
Having these influences i believe are our guidance from the universe that our abilities are being recognised but it is up to us to believe it. These are the universal signs we hear and talk about. We have people sent our way, no matter how brief, to come to us with positive input and to build us up bit by bit and instil a feeling of worthiness. No meeting is ever by chance, there is something to be taken from all our human encounters. They were never all meant to be negative.
What if, instead of being chipped down by the negative comments we have heard about ourselves, we were to focus solely on the positive comments. What if..we dismiss the opinions of people who don't nearly have their own life together or are living a lie themselves. What if...we could better understand that insults and put downs are nothing more than a projection of the pain inside the person who is saying those things to us? If only it was as easy to accept the positive like we do the negative.
Who is anyone really to devalue our worth? What gives anyone the right to make us feel so rejected? We know the answer to these questions are no one and nothing, so why do we take their word as truth?
Why not, instead of reacting to these people, we simply say...."i hope you heal from whatever drives you to want to hurt others". That's where our power lies.
What if...we stopped taking things personally and instead think, "what do i have that intimidates people to the point they have to try and pull me down"?
When we change how we perceive the view of others...we change how we feel about it.
By Sharon Paxton
A Lesson in Respect
I grew up in the 80s in a mining community in Yorkshire. I played the cornet in the local colliery band. I marched with the Miners when they returned to work defeated, exhausted and broken.
I remember the horrors of the miners strike; seeing grown men who I knew, from our village being dragged bruised, bloody & beaten by police without collar numbers & thrown into arrest vans.
Labelled as ‘The Enemy Within, by a Government pushing an agenda, because the Miner had made the decision to strike in a desperate attempt to save his job & livelihood, while the world looked on.
I remember the men who barricaded themselves inside their homes, living in fear for their lives.
A house near by had metal cages on the doors & windows resembling a prison.
Paint was thrown on the outside, ‘identifying’ the house and the word ‘Scab’ daubed across the walls and windows, because the Miner inside had made the decision NOT to strike in a desperate attempt to save his job & livelihood, while the world looked on.
The narrative was constantly being pushed, the media portrayed ‘the opposing sides as ‘the good & the bad’, ‘the right and the wrong’, the selfish & the brave’ the Picket & The Scab.
Emotions ran high, there was so much at stake for all concerned.
Families & communities were torn apart as a result of the prolonged fight for jobs. Both sides struggled, as they watched their starving children queuing for food outside the makeshift kitchens of the Miners Welfare Clubs.
Friends became Enemies, Brothers lost touch, and like a pebble in a pond, the ripples of anger, mistrust, hurt & betrayal smeared the generations.
Two men with differing views suffering equally – both fighting against each others view. Both fighting for their rights to choose what they believed was the right choice for them.
Neither of them wanted to fight in the first place, that was never their intention; both parties were always just trying to save their jobs & protect their families and their communities from destruction.
This brings to mind another lesson from history; The unofficial Christmas Truce of 1914, when just 5 months into World War One, Soldiers along the western front from both sides, downed their weapons, calling an unofficial truce and enjoying a game of football together on Christmas Day. It suggests to me, that these men were not really enemies. They hadn’t wanted to kill and destroy each other, real hatred doesn’t stop for a game of football. They were both fighting for what they believed in, while being force fed a narrative – and, as is always the case, both side suffer loss in the end.
During the Miners strike, both sides were fearful for the future, and both sides had good reason to be because, both sides lost everything in the end!
The lessons we should have been learned here is Respect!
Respect for each others opinions, respect for other peoples rights to choose – even when they make a different choice to ours.
Never to fall for the ‘Us & Them’ narrative and to always remember –
We are not enemies- We are friends,
We are family, We are neighbour’s, We are colleagues, We are community, We are human, We are connected,
May we stay this way!
For my part;
I promised to always respect you and your choices, without question or criticism, without any intent to discourage, influence or override – either overtly or covertly, regardless of any narrative being pushed.
And I trust that you, likewise will look beyond our differences, and equally respect me and mine.
Peace and Love to you and yours – always.
Copyright© 2021. Deborah J Crozier.
What is a Toxic Relationship.
When we talk about toxic relationships, it is important to understand that it isn't always necessarily the persons involved that are toxic. Quite often it can be the situation itself that becomes toxic because the characters of the people involved clash to a point of making the relationship a troublesome one. Once we understand this, it makes it easier for us to identify the problem without having to point blame from one to another and actually see that by withdrawing from the situation, no matter how difficult it may be, will in return better the situation naturally. For example, a couple who are constantly arguing and can't seem to settle their differences decide to split up. Given time for the initial hurt to pass, the same two people get to a point where they become good friends and can work through differences without the shouting and name calling. So it wasn't that the two are personally toxic, but more that the relationship itself wasn’t right for them and the clash of personalities made it difficult to be able to work together as a couple.
On the other hand, there are unfortunately so many people who are living with unresolved traumas from their own childhood that refuse to acknowledge that their behaviours can also become toxic to others. Instead of realising their own accountability, they will constantly blame others and twist words and situations to make others look bad to protect the image they have of themselves in their mind. This alone is a toxic trait as it leads to traits of narcissism where they manipulate and control people and situations to their own advantage. This then becomes a toxic environment to be in until the unhealed person takes responsibility for their behaviour after acknowledging that they in fact are the ones with the issues that need resolved. Sadly, not enough people are willing or able to face their own inner self to begin their healing as they cant or wont admit that the behaviours they display hurt and damage the ones closest to them and this is where people actually do become toxic.
Each and every one of us have our own unique characters, shaped and formed through the life we have lived and even going back through ancestral traumas that have been passed down genetically. We are all very different and therefore are not going to connect fully with every relationship we have. There doesn't have to be anyone to blame, it just didn't work out and no matter how long you stick around hoping things will get better, they never will and therefore we fall into the familiar comfort rather than actually working together and connecting on a soul to soul level.
Confusing love with lust is what leads most of us into a toxic relationship. We are so in love with the idea of being in love, especially if we have been neglected in our childhood that we are blinded to hidden motives and abusive behaviours. Ignoring red flags and bending over backwards to please people.
We have all been toxic to someone at some point but that doesn't define who we are. Once we heal from our pain and can openly admit our wrongdoings, you are no longer that same toxic person.
Toxic Relationships
There's a common phrase that goes “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”, but the sad truth is…..betrayal rarely - if at all - comes from an enemy.
It's the people who say they love you who are more capable of hurting and betraying you than any enemy you may have, in my experience.
My first toxic relationship was with my mother! The very woman who gave birth to me spent almost my entire life tormenting me with verbal, physical and emotional abuse. The loving words i was raised with and heard so often it still sticks clearly in my head to this day. “You fat, ugly, good for nothing Smithy little bastard”. Can’t you just feel the love ooze from such a comment! I could never understand what I did so wrong to make her seemingly hate me so much simply for loving my dad when she no longer wanted him. In my school years, I remember the day I got my report card home from school. I handed it to her in the kitchen, not too worried about it because yes i was a chatterbox at school and a bit of a daydreamer but i knew the report wouldn't be a bad one as such. She didn't even open it! She took it off me, ripped it in half and put it straight into the bin saying, “there's no point even reading that, no doubt it will be shit anyway”. Yet another kick in the gut to enforce her words that i wasn't good enough...at anything!
I played hockey for 4 years during high school and every Saturday we had a game on, most other players would have their parents there watching and supporting them but not once did i ever have anyone standing on the sideline cheering me on. Not even when we got through to tournaments. No encouragement, no support, nothing! When my periods came, now we are talking about the early 90's so sanitary towels were not the most comfortable of things to wear back then so I started using my mum's Tampax instead. When she realised, all hell broke loose! I was called a slut, a dirty little whore and a few other choice words to the point my step dad jumped in and told her she was being way too harsh and out of order. Not that she bothered about that. Now I really am just giving a rough outline on what I had to deal with where my mother was concerned and to add insult to injury….my sister seemed to enjoy watching me be kicked down which leads me to my second toxic relationship...my sister!
She was only 18 months older than me but we had anything but a healthy relationship and certainly not the usual sister relationship...ever. I always figured that it was my very existence that bothered her as being the 2nd born, I must have just knocked her nose out of joint simply by being born. As kids, she was always finding ways to upset me, get me into trouble and tell lies about me all the while laughing at how pathetic i was because i cried a lot...is it any wonder?? I also began thinking that she did it to score points with my mum because it seemed they both enjoyed belittling me. I had asthma as a child and she once put a cushion over my face and kept it there til I was gasping for breath and then just laughed at me when she knew I was OK.
When I started smoking, more influenced by the fact both my parents, grandparents and other relatives we were around also smoked and less to do with any peers. My sister had found out about it and couldn't wait to go tell my mum. I got home from hockey training one afternoon and as i got to the top of the stairs, mum grabbed me by the hair...as she did often...and dragged me up the hallway, kicking and beating into me all the while my sister was stood at her bedroom door grinning and smirking at me like she had won a victory. The torment was ongoing and it became clear the older I got that I had actually built a resilience against them and rather than break down to the pathetic little piece of crap they wanted me to be, I slowly started detaching myself from them. I started spending more time with my friends and less time at home. I remember my mum once said she didn't know where I got my confidence from which I always found entertaining as she had tried her hardest to beat it out of me.
It was not long after my 17th birthday she kicked me out after being brought home by the police late at night...drunk! I'm more inclined to believe that was the night she knew she wouldn't get away with abusing me as easily any more as it was probably the first time I stood up to her. I wasn't aggressive or abusive towards her, but I did tell her if she was going to keep treating me like a 2 year old I'd keep acting like one. I walked out the house at that point and she packed my stuff and that was it. My drunk bravery must have scared her and from that point on….i was no longer useful to her or welcome in her house. I was no longer an easy target now that I had stood up to her. She told my siblings i had been off my face on drugs and if she caught them talking to me that they would be out the door too. I stood behind her in the queue in a shop one day, she looked me up and down like I was something she just stepped in then turned her back like she didn't even know who i was.
So, taking all this into account. Guess who then went on to have toxic relationships as an adult until i changed my thinking and realised my worth. It took me until i turned 40 to really believe in myself but i got there. When toxicity is all you have been familiar with, it's inevitable that you will find yourself in unhealthy relationships or false friendships because it has been drummed into your subconscious that it's all you are worthy of and therefore you believe that you have to do what is expected from others just to keep them happy. If your own mother says you are a worthless piece of shit and deserve to be treated as such it must be right. Right??
WRONG!! What I grew to understand was that I was never deserving of that treatment, not from anyone. The reality is….parents are only the previous generation of kids who grew up to have their own kids, many of whom are still holding onto unresolved issues from their own childhood making it very common that they would then inflict similar pain onto their own children. They don't automatically gain a right as a parent to belittle or manipulate a child because they have unresolved issues of their own and they are in fact the ones who have shame to bear, not us. It is in realising this, we can start healing from our past and make sure history doesn't repeat itself with our own kids. Parents are protectors after all.
It is only once we realise our worth, set our boundaries and start the journey of healing that we no longer tolerate the things we once used to. No longer do we feel the need to find validation from the outside world to feel good. Realising that we have given ourselves too freely to people who could see our “neediness” and took full advantage of us in our vulnerable times. Then we begin to understand that where we have come from does not define where we are going.
The biggest challenge in this part of healing is the solitude we face. Breaking away from the familiar faces and situations we become so used to, it is almost like moving to a whole new country and starting again on foreign soil. After spending many years looking for comfort and short term pleasures in the wrong people/partners/friends, being on our own is a very daunting thought. However, it is such a beautiful transition we face in that time. Learning to love and understand ourselves, knowing who we actually are, realising we are already everything we wish we could be, it's just hidden under layers of negative self talk and years of low self esteem. Break through that and you uncover a whole new person who has been patiently waiting for their time to shine. It is in each and every one of us to find in our own time and in a way that works best for yourself….but you will...because you want to and where there's a will, there is always a way!
Heal in such a way that the toxic relationships and people you once attracted, no longer take interest in you because your boundaries become clear and non negotiable. Some people may try to come back into your life but that's just so they can pull you back down again as they want you to be available for their needs rather than them acknowledging your own. Of course, they then call you crazy when you say no thanks but that's a reflection of who they are. Growth can be intimidating to those who aren't ready to face or recognise their own shortcomings. To watch someone overcome their trauma and go on to live a happy life should be something the people around them applaud. Rest assured, if they mock, challenge or undermine your efforts, they are already seeing your potential and it scares them. Never set yourself on fire just to keep others warm.
We don't come through this thinking we are better than anyone, We just realise our worth and that we are capable of more than what we could achieve while being in certain companies or environments. I simply outgrew my old life and am fully focused on what lies ahead rather than what I left behind.
By Sharon Paxton
