Radiant Aura: A Vibrant Visualization of Your Energy Field 10

Awakening Vs Evolving

There's a lot of talk about 'awakening'... Seeing the world as it really is...
Awakening is important.. but it's only part of the story - and it's not even the most important part...
Awakening allows us to see 'the world' i.e. others' as it really is - or as 'they' are...
But let's not leave ourselves out of the judging here... we need to be asking' - 'what part do I play in this'?

Self awareness allows us to see ourselves for who we truly are.. to hold up a mirror... to recognise the impact that we have on the world and the people whom we share the world with ...

We need to be self-aware in order to evolve..

Evolving .. which is the most important aspect of Awakening requires;
Self-Awareness...
Self-Leadership,
Self-Compassion, recovery & healing

How do we become self aware in order to evolve in the world? ...

There's so much pain and suffering in the world.. we carry that pain & suffering in our bodies.. we pass it on from generation to generation in our language, behaviours & in our DNA.

There's only one way to heal the world - and every single one of us has an equal part to play!

The road to recovery is through compassion, empathy, love, kindness, understanding, fairness, peace & truth...
Human to Human,
Soul to Soul ..

Recovery includes...

CUE - A Person-Centred approach
Congruence
Unconditional Positive Regard
Empathic Understanding

Being trauma informed... Trauma Informed TRUST©.

Trigger =
Reassurance
Understanding
Safety
Truth

RAPPORT©.
Creating a close and harmonious relationship with self..

Recognise
Accept
Process
Practice
Observe
Reflect
Transform

Self discovery for Recovery with Emotional First Aid designed to regulate the nervous system...  a compassionate self leadership program that requires commitment, courage, curiosity, clarity and self-compassion...

Positive Outcomes begin with A Positive Start


The Illusion of Ethics

Cancel culture... manifested on the back of decades of installing an illusion of ethics.
You know the kind of ethics I mean - the ones that are copy & pasted into every business & workplace, and nobody really knows what they mean.
The kind of ethics that are so transparent they don't actually exist!
The kind of ethics that organisations roll out of the cupboard and pay lip service to whenever they feel the fear of a complaint looming...
Ethics that promise to uphold & protect - then fight to the death in order to  prevent upholding or protecting .
The unethical ethics, that are used as a big stick to devalue and minimise the experience and learning of others...
Lets consider for a moment - what are Ethics? ... what do Ethics really look like?
Truth
Integrity
Congruence
Respect
Equality
Honour
Choice
Trust
Inclusion
Consideration
Accountability
Transparency
Understanding
Fairness
Kindness
Compassion
Empathy
Freedom
Value
Protection
Rights
Privacy
Confidentiality
Not an exhaustive list by any means.
.
Ethics are not just wording in policy documents to be utilised in a defence or to criticise the behaviours of others ... ethics are the actual Thoughts, words, beliefs and behaviours that are compassionately shared between humans to ensure we are all treated fairly throughout our lives.
Ethics are a way of life ...
a way of being in the world..
Ethics are how we treat each other .... anything less, is unethical!
What ethics are not...
It's unethical to secretly dig for dirt on someone, and then reveal undesirable information in the name of 'ethics' - whilst leaving oneself out of the judging.
Transparency, Truth & integrity are all missing ...
It's unethical to devalue people because you disagree or disapprove of their viewpoint..
Compassion, Empathy and Respect are all missing ...
It's unethical to judge, gossip, to blame, to exclude ...
Congruence, Accountability Fairness, Equality and Kindness are all missing..
It's unethical to bully & shame others and then use your power & position to silence their voices.
Truth, Fairness and Accountability are missing..
Ethics are nothing but an illusion without thoughts, feelings words and behaviours to match..
CUE - the person-centred approach... ethics to live by...
Congruence
Unconditional Positive Regard - for self and others
Empathic Understanding..
Please say what you mean & mean what you say ... with compassion and empathy

When the question is always Why?

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but for me, it remains a life-affirming pursuit.

From as far back as I can remember..around the age of 3, I’ve been asking this question Why?

‘Why would someone choose to do that?
“What would motivate that decision?
“How did they arrive at this point? “
“When did they first feel this way? “
“What were they thinking at the time” ..
‘How did it feel when?’

An insatiable appetite for understanding..

Of course, It’s natural to want to make sense of the things that happen in life.. making sense of a situation makes it easier for our minds to accept, thus allowing us to move forward ..

Being curious about others is important, but being curious about self is equally, if not more important.

‘Why do I do that?
‘What makes me behave in this way?’
How do I feel about this? Why do I feel this way?
Where does this belief come from? and on and on until there are no more whys to be answered on that particular question.

When we are curious, it is also important to recognise when we need to step back and separate ourselves from the understanding of why…

It’s very easy when we have an understanding nature, when we care about someone who is rude, unkind or abusive towards us, to try to make sense of why and then on understanding the why, unwittingly excusing and justifying their behaviour.. accepting it and inadvertently allowing it to continue..

‘Oh their parent mistreated them when they were young which is why they behave like this towards me .. they don’t really mean to’..

I spent many years justifying the abusive behaviours of others due to my ‘understanding of why’.. and essentially ‘allowing’ and accepting responsibility for their behaviour towards me, thus allowing it to continue.

It’s too easy to fall into this trap when we care about the other person/s - because we tend to put their thoughts and feelings before our own.

It’s important to remember - regardless of the ‘why’, as adults, every one of us has a duty to understand ourselves and manage our behaviours, recognising when our behaviours negatively impact others…

If a person is able and willing to understand and tolerate our behaviour, it shouldn’t follow that we relinquish all responsibility and accountability, rather it should be seen as an opportunity for connection and work on ourselves supported, to grow and do better..

When we find ourselves in such a situation - understanding the why is important, but separating the why from the bad behaviour is essential…

i.e although i understand why they lose their temper and lash out…
The fact that ‘they lash out’ regardless of why, is what matters - I have a duty to protect myself!

The ‘reason’ is no longer as important, as the fact that they continue with the behaviour..
and we must recognise that this needs to be their journey of self discovery, not ours.

#LivedLearning
#lessonslearned


The Lived Experience of Integration in Relationships

The Science…

‘Secure attachment creates integration in the brain because communication in relationships early in life have been integrative.

When you have experiences in relationships where honouring of differences & then promoting of compassionate, caring linkages ….  those relational connections that are integrated, seem to actually cultivate the growth of integration in the brain in the individuals involved’

(Dr.Dan Siegel. IPNB)

The Lived Experience …

Insecure attachment followed by many years of unwittingly falling into the same old patterns of destructive, often violent, always controlling relationships, where betrayal is expected and heartache is the norm. 

Despite the expectation… the impact always landed like a hard hitting baseball bat to the solar plexus, flicking the interior survival thermostat to supercharge, and forcing any hope of trust to escape through the nearest window .. the destruction had began, the inevitable end, although outside of my awareness, was already coming into focus. 

Hyper vigilance kicked in, picking up even the slightest whiff of dishonesty. Inner turmoil led to bizarre outer expressions that made sense to no one but the host..

Rage filled excuses and gaslighting led to confusion & disorientation as my internal navigation system struggled to find its footing, attempting to re-navigate & balance itself.

Like a ferris wheel in a fair ground, round and round we go… leaving a trail of shattered dreams, bruised egos and punctured hearts in its wake.

Until… one day, a new relationship … and as the inevitable thermostat flicked to high.. the response to my panicked flirting accusations hit an unfamiliar pause …

‘I’m sorry - I will never intentionally hurt you, I’ll do whatever it takes to regain your trust’ …

Not just words … but felt truth, delivered straight from and to the heart … my body experienced the genuineness in the words being spoken… my eyes witnessed a draining of colour from the cheeks… hurt expressed on behalf of the heart, an expression of remorse.. my ears picked up the familiar echos of fear … my skin felt the warmth in a reassuring touch & instantly my nervous system acknowledged & accepted the truth and calmed to ease …

The internal thermostat that had raged on high for years, for the first time experienced congruence - the language of trust…  and reset itself … a shift that would allow space for healing… integration was underway!

( Deborah J Crozier, APS CIC).


Lost

I remember the first time I ever used a Sat Nav. I was sent on a training course by my new employer, to an unfamiliar town.

A short time after starting in my new role as a Sales Executive, my employer had volunteered me for a training day which meant driving a far distance from where I lived and worked. I was summoned to the office and informed that I would need to get myself away early to ensure I was not late for the mandatory training course. I hadn’t long since passed my driving test and I was required to make my own way to the remote training centre. I managed to force a smile as I was handed the course details, but I was terrified if truth be known. I wasn’t going to admit it to my new boss, and by this time in life, I was well accomplished in the art of incongruence. Grinning like a Stepford wife, I took the details being handed to me whilst trying to hold onto my churning insides heaving up onto his desk.

I hadn’t driven any distance at that stage in my life, let alone entertained a motorway and as the date grew ever closer, I struggled to suppress the panic that was silently consuming me while my brain conjured up a million and one reasons as to why I shouldn’t and couldn’t attend. Every cell in my body was pleading with me to cancel, planting increasingly bizarre excuses into my mind; the kind of ludicrous stories children might come up with when they feel back into a corner.  The adult in me reasoned & rationalised constantly, I needed the job, I needed this job to be different, I needed to – as my new manager put it ‘give my head a shake and get on with it’. For the next two weeks, I pushed it to the back of my mind, prayed for divine intervention – freak tsunami hitting North Yorkshire or something, anything that would bring this awful situation to an end (the awful situation being driving from A to B like many people that are not me manage to do without breaking a sweat). I avoided conversations with colleagues on the lead up as just the word ‘training’ now triggered me into panic and brought me out in hives.

The day prior to the dreaded journey, I was really struggling to remain focused. I was in my head watching reruns of scenarios where I was lost, late and alone, none of which ended well for me.  An observant colleague approached my desk and suggested, rather than worrying about getting lost why didn’t I just take ‘the Garmin’. I had no clue what the Garmin was at the time, so holding his hand out for my car keys, I watched and listened as he fitted the Sat Nav into my car, punching in the destination postcode as per the details provided.

I'd never used a Sat Nav prior to that, so a colleague kindly set it up in my car & punched in the postcode as provided in the course details.

The following morning, I set off early on the almost four-hour road trip heading for the remote training centre. A glorious sunrise got up to greet me as I drove along unfamiliar country lanes surrounded by glistening green fields & rolling hills and for a short time at least, all was well with the world.

Focusing intently as the Sat Nav croaked his instructions - I drove as I listened, and I listened as I drove, switching off my redundant brain. I played scenarios in my mind, reruns of me entering the training room, mentally rehearsing the inevitable dreaded 'introductions' once I arrived.

A good few hours into my journey I developed an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, when the Garmin that was suckered to my dashboard suddenly announced the destination was 500 yards on my left. The vehicle and I slowed to a stop.

Unless the training centre was a derelict farm building in the middle of nowhere, which it wasn't!,  the overconfident Garmin was wrong and I was stumped!

I could vaguely recall passing through a handful of quaint villages earlier,  but now there was nothing, not a soul nor a training centre in sight.

Parking outside the old farm building, my hands visibly shaking, I reached into my bag for my phone.

"Damn it - No signal"

I tapped the phone on the palm of my free hand and shook it in the air a few times trying to will some life into it. Like rolling dead batteries between your palms in an attempt to lengthen the battery life – I can confirm this 'shaking some will' technique doesn't work either.

I was lost.

I was completely well and truly effing lost.

I had no idea where I was.

I had no idea where I was supposed to be.

I had no idea where I was in relation to where I was supposed to be in just under 60 minutes time.

I felt sick.

Right on cue, my trusty inner critic popped up eager to have her say and remind me of the fact that  ‘I was lost’…

New mental imagines of a room packed to the rafters of disapproving faces stared disappointedly at me as I imagined loudly stumbling through the door, disturbing the entire class - late, late, ever so late….  rushed & apologetic! Embarrassing images swamped my mind, causing it to short-circuit.

Utter panic had taken hold ,I couldn’t catch my breath. I opened my car door, desperate to let in some air,  my internal organs knotted and twisted, the mist of confusion descended as my mind buffered to offline.

Throughout the journey, my focus had been so completely engrossed in the other - the now conveniently silent Sat Nav had nothing more to say and I had lost my bearings entirely.

I'd paid no attention whatsoever to any landmarks or street names. I'd dismissed any sensations of familiar intuition as unreliable while continuing to blindly follow this complete stranger, confidently placing 100% trust in 'my journey' somewhere other than self.

In this snippet of time, I was filled with a sense of knowing. The familiar feeling of being lost - disconnected, ran parallel with my life.

I'd lived much of my time on this Earth inside my head, pre-empting, imagining,  paying no attention to my internal sat nav, disconnected from my body, unplugged from my emotions. And just like now - finding myself lost outside this derelict building, I didn't know how to be. what to do, where to go, how to move forward.... I felt unprepared with absolutely nothing to draw on.

I recognised how throughout my life, I'd been a follower, kidding myself on that I was in control. Always putting other people’s opinions, needs and viewpoints in front of my own. Always aiming to please or appease.  I trusted anyone and everyone’s judgement before mine. In my mind and in the mind of others - as far as I was concerned,  my opinion counted for nothing - I was voiceless.

I was agreeable, eager to be liked & desperate to be approved of. The boat rocker who tried hard never to rock the boat; the eternal peace-keeper.

I was forever following the lead of seemingly more confident others, others who had in truth misplaced their own maps - and as a result, I usually ended up on some wild goose chase or getting led and lost down the garden path.

I sat there motionless for a while. I felt stuck with no sense of direction – aware that the clock was ticking …trying hard to pretend it wasn't!

I became angry, enraged – Swearing at the Sat Nav for misguiding me.

Directing blame at my no longer considered kind colleague who suggested using the Sat Nav in the first place.

Angry with my New Boss for making me do this stupid training...

Angry with the Training Centre for being remote and difficult to find...

Angry with the trainer for not being clearer on his instructions, for not starting later, for not being closer....

Furious with my crappy phone that had no service... Angry with the phone manufacturer for making phones that could have no service....

Angry with the journey for being long and tiresome...

Furious with the day for rushing ahead without me...

Furious with God for making my life so difficult and complicated…

Angry at the world for not caring enough to help me find my way…

I cried.

I sat in silence for a while longer… long enough to realise I was angry and disappointed with myself ….

I leaned forward and switched off the Sat Nav.

I took a deep breath and commanded my mind to 'think'! I drew a blank.

Nothing came to mind.

With my hand on my heart, to stop it from pounding out of my chest and tears spilling from my eyes, I asked God; the universe, to help me.

I never liked asking for help, but I knew that help is what I needed.

"Guide me, Show me the way' ...

I Felt ...... something, a sensation, a fluttering within...

I started the engine, the fog was lifting, my mind, re-navigating and attempting to reconnect…

"just keep moving forwards" my timid internal voice suggested. My inner critic had thankfully taken a back seat as a much less confident internal dialogue took over - not nearly as confident as the Garmin Sat Nav had been, but as I moved forward, the outline of rooftops in the distance came into view. Nervous flutters turned to flutters of excitement and the inner dialogues confidence grew... louder, stronger… more certain 'this is it, see, I told you,  you're on the right track, keep going, forward has to be the way"!

Making mental notes as I drove, paying attention to my internal Sat Nav, I felt my way forward guided by internal dialogue and intuition. Suddenly the place felt familiar, I recognised the name of the town. My body relaxed as my brain read out the words 'training Centre' on a large white building standing before me...

I was no longer lost, my mind body & soul while working together,  instinctively knew the way.

As I recall the thoughts and feelings of this past experience, one of hundreds of thousands of similar experiences, I’m reminded of how far I have come. For many people, getting lost is no big deal, nothing to worry about - none of those thoughts & feelings mentioned above would even enter their heads… and there in lies the truth.

When you do experience constant fear and terror in everyday situations, you constantly compare yourself to others who don’t, and criticise and judge yourself harshly… and the reverse is also true. People who don’t experience life in the same way often and sometimes unintentionally, view people who struggle emotionally as weak, chaotic and dramatic - their perception of the situation is entirely different. Chaotic and Dramatic are words that correctly describe the experience.

These days being lost wouldn’t concern me in the least, my first thought would be, how lost can you really be on an island the size of the UK? That’s because my perception, mindset and nervous system are no longer permanently based in fear. This persistent ‘negative energy and information flow’, is what we refer to as ‘trauma’.

I remember how terrifying it was and can empathise with those people who do experience life this way. I advocate for a Trauma Informed Society.

I recognise the chaos & rigidity in my nervous system as I struggled to regulate my emotions back then, in comparison to the harmony, calm, balanced thinking and good health that I appreciate today thanks to my healing journey.
I no longer feel the need to compare or to pretend or hide my feelings for fear of judgement or embarrassment, I have traveled a long way.  I am finally comfortable with who I am, I approve of myself and I recognise it as being part of life’s journey as we grow, develop and evolve.

If you find yourself lost, disconnected, dissociated or stuck, and you resonate with the experience of feeling lost – reach out, we are here to help…. and remember to always look within, the answers for you are always within you.

#disconnection

#disocciation

#lost

#outsideofself

#lookwithin


Jimmy Savile: A Netflix Documentary

Last night I observed the recently released Netflix documentary about the serial child sex offender; Jimmy Savile...

I don't watch much television these days, apart from the occasional documentary as and when I find the time. I stopped watching the News completely a few years back, after becoming consciously aware of how the 24/7 fear mongering in its various forms, was impacting my emotional and physical health.  It was during the outpouring that followed Princess Diana's passing, that I first noticed how the media held the nations collective attention in a headlock; driving our thoughts and feelings about issues that we rarely have any control over. Draining emotions and shaping perspectives, I liken it to an abuser in a toxic relationship, which sadly, I have ample experience of.

I became mindful of the need to protect myself and to manage this constant assault on my senses, having experienced the joy being sucked from my body and replaced by fear and anxiety -  which isn't conducive to a healthy lifestyle. Keeping good health rates high on my list of priorities, if it rates highly on yours, may I suggest being mindful of what you are exposing yourself to on a regular basis. I digress.

As a kid growing up in the 70's and 80's however, it was an entirely different story.  I loved watching television and it consumed a huge chunk of my time. The TV was always on in our house, often with subtitles AND sound, which demanded our full attention. The constant distraction made conversation with other family members almost impossible, as we each followed the words on the screen, feeling the uncomfortable juxtaposition whenever the written words and moving mouths didn't sync. Onomatopoeia for 'be quiet'  'Shhh', and 'Shush' were the only exchanges heard, as the characters of 'Lizzie Dripping and Grange Hill, Sapphire & Steel and Jim'll Fix it' regular favorite's  held our attention and captured our imaginations. As a child the notion had crossed my mind of how this 'staring behaviour' might appear to lifeforms on other planets, assuming they exist. Observing humans spending most of their time staring at a box in the corner of a room, rather than participating in real life - how bizarre might that appear to an onlooker, I'd puzzle.

These days I deliberately choose when and what I watch, I tend to have more important things to do with my time. Even the briefest glimpses of so called 'entertainment' programmes I find deeply disturbing. Destructive relationships, grandiose personas and narcissistic behavioural traits irresponsibly portrayed as 'acceptable' or 'normal' in the name of entertainment for ratings, being constantly streamed into living rooms, influencing  young minds everywhere; shaping the thoughts and behaviours of tomorrow.

I use the term 'observe' rather than watching this documentary, as I didn't view it for entertainment value. The subject matter is relevant to my work and links in to last months Deb-On-Air podcast - 5 Ps of Grooming featuring the emotive interview with Jill about her families experience of being groomed by a perpetrator who presented as a helpful community minded sports coach.

( Here is a Link to the podcast on Spotify: 5 P's of Grooming https://open.spotify.com/show/5mtNIBOG7FAFg9dcaHq2Fx .)

This months podcast, which is currently being recorded continues along the same theme with Narcissistic Behavioural traits. I am keen to raise awareness about the subject of grooming and dispel the common myth that  many people buy in to that grooming isn't relevant to them. It is, because in reality You are being groomed, you just don't know it yet - which is also the title of my book and one of our CPD Certified workshops.

A reminder of the 5 P's of Grooming...

1. People,  NOT Monsters

The first of our 5 Ps is PEOPLE - People Groom, People Manipulate, People Abuse!

From the outset, Savile is labelled as a 'Monster' in this documentary - which links perfectly to the catchy title; 'A British Horror Story.

I raised the question in our last podcast about how the media's portrayal of 'Stranger Danger' in the 70's and 80's,  led us to look for the wrong people in the wrong places. The media shapes our perception. While many people will undoubtedly agree that Savile was indeed a Monster, labelling in this way sets people apart,  we reason that 'Monsters' are different to us - and it's ' those labelled people over there, who are different to us, who are not to be trusted! Without realising it, we start to believe that there is something easily recognizable about those who are considered different to us.  We inadvertently keep a look out for behaviours that we consider different - weird and creepy.

Let us not forget, Throughout the grooming process, the narcissist is 'qualifying' the victim. Reflecting the victims wants and needs, hopes and desires back at them. They know exactly what the victim considers to be 'good, acceptable behaviour, and they produce a carbon copy that they present to the victim. This is why victims of narcissistic abuse believe they have met their perfect mate in phase one of the relationship. We trust the behaviours that WE consider 'good' according to our own understanding of what 'good' behaviour looks like, and we let our guard down with those people who display 'good behaviour' - leading us straight back into the perpetrators trap!

According to figures released by the NSPCC, the charitable organisation tasked with protecting children for over 130 years; more than 90% of sexual crimes committed against children are committed by someone 'Known to the child' - less than 10% resulting from stranger danger!

Ironically, the documentary revealed how Savile himself was involved in the 'Stranger-Danger' campaigns of the time! Excuse my sarcasm,  but of-course he was! can you even think of a more cunning plan to protect your own perverse identity, than to throw people off the scent and send them down the wrong path in search of weird strangers?  While we were all paying attention to strangers in play parks offering a quarter of pick and mix or 'a sneaky peak at some puppies and while we were busy scrutinizing middle aged men sitting outside schools in beat-up old ford Cortina Estates with makeshift, metal coat hanger aerials as depicted in the stranger danger adverts, the most prominent and recognizable figures being streamed into British households, were busy abusing children as young as 5 years of age; Jimmy Savile, Gary Glitter, Rolf Harris to name but a few. These are people we were convinced we knew, friendly, charitable, talented, successful people whose persona had us convinced they were trustworthy! Nobody really knew Savile or the other characters, they didn't even know themselves. But no one considered them strangers, we all believed we knew them well!

It is time to stop looking for Monsters, we are NOT dealing with Monsters - Monsters are easy to spot. We need to stop labelling people, and start paying closer attention to behaviours instead. This is just one of the reasons why we advocate for a Trauma Informed society and why we run Trauma Informed Courses.

With hindsight we can all observe and agree that Jimmy's behaviour is 'Weird' and 'Creepy' but lets not forget that his behaviour was NOT considered either Weird or Creepy for more than 50 Years! On the contrary, Savile was celebrated as a 'wonderful, charitable eccentric' by the most influential figures in the country including the Prime Minister and Members of the Royal Family.

Such behaviour is rarely considered odd at the time. Its usually only considered 'Weird or Creepy AFTER the fact when you have all the information and can piece together the bigger picture /or, as it too often the case, when somethings gone terribly wrong. Its never during the process,  when you are completely sold on an idea, otherwise there would be no unidentified perpetrators in the world! If you liken it to buying a sought after used car 'sold as,' and 'appears' to be in pristine condition - you only come to suspect you've been sold a lemon, after its broken down umpteen times and is costing you an arm and a leg!

Lets stop labelling and start paying attention!

2. Persona - We are all capable of presenting our 'Best Self'!

The second of our 5 Ps is PERSONA - Hiding the True Identity!

Throughout the documentary we witness Savile's persona. One of the 4 main architypes as described by Swiss psychiatrist and psychotherapist Carl Jung. The Key to 'Grooming a parent, a community and/or a nation is to 'Sell an idea' of the image Savile (et al.) wants people to 'believe' in.

"A Persona is a mask or façade presented to satisfy the demands of the situation or environment, and not representing the inner personality of the individual. The Public Image. (C J Jung)

Let's face it, most of us have a 'persona' of sorts,  and the majority of people are capable of presenting their  'best selves' to the world whenever its needed! More now than ever since the launch of the internet and social media.

  • First Dates - you don't tell a potential mate that you bite your toenails or leave your socks strewn about the place - you tell them all the good stuff instead that is likely to secure a second and third date!
  • Job Interviews - you don't tell a potential employer you used your former employers stationery cupboard as your personal supply for the local pub quiz team, you tell them whatever secures you the job!
  • The Public Image (Actor/ Actress/Politician/Police/Civil Service) - you don't want to see a police-officer standing outside a crime scene, sucking on a vape or munching a Kebab because that isn't the image of a professional.

Many of us have been taught not to wash our dirty linen in public or embarrass ourselves with public displays of emotion.  As a result, regardless of how we may be feeling underneath, we tend to bury the emotion, smile through gritted teeth and just 'get on with it'; we might convince others they should do the same. Burying emotions is unhealthy. In counselling, I liken painful emotions to vampires; they thrive under the cover of darkness and dissipate when we bring them into the open and shine a light in a safe and non-judgement setting. Remember, emotions don't make us weak, they make us human!

Throughout the documentary we witness Savile engaging, supporting and being supported by, senior members of the royal family. If ever there was a family that put Public Image before anything else, its the Royals. Persona is a way of life for them, 'stiff upper lip' - they know nothing else. Many of us watched two little boys hold it together in front of a nation, while walking behind their Mums coffin, most adults would struggle with that. Unless you experience contrast, how can you tell the difference between someone who is being genuine and someone who is wearing a mask of persona?

How can anyone of us tell the difference you may well ask? Congruence is the answer!

All of our work at APS CIC is underpinned by Carl Rogers Core conditions of the Person-Centred approach. I use the acronym CUE in all of my workshops, (CUE the person-centred approach), Because CUE serves as a reminder of the 3 most important core conditions the first of which is Congruence.  Unconditional Positive Regard and Empathic Understanding make up the other two.

Congruence is the opposite of Persona!

Many service and organizations, profess to deliver a 'Person-Centred' approach, I often wonder how many involved truly understand the meaning of Congruence or CUE for that matter?

Congruence is the most important attribute, according to Rogers. This implies that the individual is real and/or genuine, open, honest, integrated and authentic during their interactions with others. When we are present and paying attention, Congruence can be 'Felt'. We often talk about 'Energy and Vibes' when we are discussing people. Many of us have experienced that feeling of when someone walks into the room and the whole room lights up with an invisible positive energy - creating 'good vibes' and putting people at ease. Likewise, the same can be said for bad vibes and negative energy when we suddenly feel uneasy or uncomfortable but may struggle to ascertain why.

During the documentary, former TV Presenter Selina Scott explains whilst looking back at an interview with Savile,  how she remembers feeling very differently about him, despite 'acting' as though she was enjoying flirting, even kissing Savile at one point. Selina confuses to feeling uncomfortable in his presence. At this point,  neither Savile or Scott are being 'Congruent', instead both are presenting a Persona to the world.

How do you achieve congruence?

  1. Pay attention to what you are feeling and thinking. A necessary start for achieving congruence is to notice our internal state. ...
  2. Be yourself. ...
  3. Don't hide behind facades. ...
  4. If you're wrong, own it! ...
  5. If you don't have an answer to a question, admit it.

3. Process - Grooming is a Series of Steps or Actions leading to a desired outcome!

The third of the 5 Ps is Process - Grooming is a Process, not a single action!

It can be difficult to imagine an individual capable of deliberately setting out to cheat someone, with a preplanned agenda and an end game already in mind. Most of us struggle to imagine it because we are viewing it from our own perspective as something that we just would not do,  rather than viewing from the other persons perspective. We imagine, that we all think the same way - the truth is, we don't! For a narcissist like Savile, this is a way of life. Everything he did was for personal gratification - including the charitable work passed off as acts of kindness.

Regardless of the request, Savile would have delivered the solution and he would have delivered it in much the same grand way. Nothing is by chance, everything is deliberate - showing the world what an amazing, selfless, thoughtful man he is, Savile seized every opportunity to showcase these enormous gestures.

What is experienced on the inside, is often expressed on the outside and can be observed in our behaviours.

The narcissist abuser is a 'Problem Solver', a Solutions Architect - the Saviour!

"In the middle of every difficulty, lies opportunity" - Albert Einstein

'Seek out the individual with a problem and provide them with a solution! - Dynamic Sales Training, Reg Vardy's 2000

As the documentary continues we are invited to review Savile's array of highly successful charitable campaigns. We hear one person describing how they can only ever view Savile as being a  'Good' person based on their experience of being the beneficiary of one of his charitable pursuits, and that's what Saville was banking on - his Persona bought, hook line and sinker. We heard some people defending him, one voice over stating 'why drag it up now he's gone'. Some people are fortunate enough never to be on the receiving end of vile abuse, they cannot begin to comprehend it. While others find it almost impossible to accept that someone who appears capable of doing a good deed, is equally capable of committing heinous crimes.

"It takes the heart longer to accept, what the head already knows"!

We observe Savile running, cycling and walking - at one point we hear how he raised over £10 million for the Stoke Mandeville Spinal Injuries hospital, where he was obviously viewed as a 'Hero' a 'Saviour' 10 million was a lot of money then. We hear how Thatcher liked his 'can do attitude', again, this was not by chance - how else was shapeshifter Savile going to move up the ladder of influence to secure the highest honors in the land? By morphing into the 'kind of person' Thatcher would be prepared to support. All part of the act, an image by design.

Savile himself admits, his charitable acts were leverage, he was intent on bartering with God. A practicing Catholic, Savile was deeply concerned about not getting a place in Heaven because of his vile abusive behaviours on earth. Savile clearly recognise's how his behaviours are morally wrong,  yet at no point does Savile express any kind of concern, regret or remorse for his 400+ abused victims, on the contrary his concerns throughout  are only ever about how his behaviours might prevent him from securing a place in heaven. He is so concerned about himself, that when is body is found by the undertaker, his fingers are crossed! Right to the very end he is hoping that God will forgive him, let him 'away with it' like others have done, and allow him into heaven!

The charitable acts that we witness in the documentary, are purely acts of leverage, they are all part of the process as described in the invisible seduction. The seduction isn't set out in a pre-planned fashion like a business plan - even though we might imagine it that way in the aftermath. As the name suggests, the process is invisible - silent and seamless, it comes naturally to the perpetrator, second nature - auto-pilot. It is carried out in stealth and few people on the receiving end will see it until its already too late, as demonstrated in our grooming behaviours workshop; 'You are Being Groomed, You Just Don't Know it yet. 

This is a way of life for a narcissist who sees everyone as fair game. They approach every situation as a means to an end. This behaviour is alien to most of us, or at least it happens outside of our awareness.  We describe these behaviours as cold and calculated. Unnerving behaviours, that are judged as deceitful by those who didn't see it coming. It leaves the victim feeling violated, disturbed and stupid in the aftermath having been compromised, this gives rise for the need to separate ourselves from this awfully uncomfortable behaviour.  We prefer to label people like Savile as  'Monsters' and 'Abnormal' to put distance between 'them and us'.  In reality, we miss this kind of behaviour for three reasons;

1)  because it is so common placed in our society we no longer notice it,  2) because we are so often disconnected from ourselves in the present moment, rushing around willy-nilly with our busy lives and our attention distracted, that we are 'not living in the present' - we are oblivious to it while it is taking place in front of us - it is hidden in plain sight and 3) perception!

4. Perception - What I can make you believe!

The fourth of the 5 Ps is Perception and what I can make you believe. 

Most of us think with our eyes, and believe what we see. Despite the fact that there is more access to information now than ever before, many people do not question anything. They judge based on what the 'See' - seeing is believing,  they believe what they see to be true according to their own 'values and principles'.

I recently read a case in which a judge was incredibly lenient with a child rapist, his reasoning being that 'up until THIS incident the perpetrator had PROVEN HIMSELF to be,  an upstanding member of the community'!!

A Judge no less! An individual entrusted with the task of 'Fairness and Equality! of ensuring justice prevails for the innocent and punishment is afforded the guilty, yet in this and in many other cases, a Judge who appears to be entirely ignorant of how the 5 P's of grooming, and particularly the  'Persona' element of a perpetrator works.

If what you consider to be a good person is someone who appears to be - friendly, charitable, community spirited, helpful etc. then Savile had it sussed!

If what you consider to be 'Professional' is a tailored suit and an nice office   -  most of us can achieve 'Professionalism!

If what you consider to be 'Trustworthy' is someone wearing a nationally recognised uniform of trust - be that - Police officer, Doctor, Clergy, Politician, Judge, Paramedic or Tutor,  then everyone becomes trustworthy in your eyes. Its the White-Coat Effect on a larger scale.

"Never stop questioning - curiosity has its own reason for existing" - Albert Einstein.

Only when we look back with hindsight do we realise that all the warning signs were there all along.  We missed them, and then we beat ourselves up wondering how on earth could we not notice something so blatantly obvious.  We didn't notice because we were not paying attention and we believed without question.

The process itself consists of 6 key stages and includes an invisible seduction, a range of behaviours demonstrated in the workshop

5. Pressure - Pay attention to how you feel

The fifth of the 5 Ps is Pressure - Listen to your body, your body always knows best! 

Someone who has your best interests at heart does not make you feel awkward, obligated or guilty.

Watch Savile when he's flirting with Selina Scott - he keeps eye contact, he zones in on her and holds her gaze. Watching it you can imagine how uncomfortable that feels. Scott awkwardly attempts to discourage, giggling uncomfortably at Savile's advances, but Savile persists. If Selina pays attention to her body in this moment, she will feel that uncomfortable feeling that I refer to as pressure in the 5 Ps of Grooming,  a feeling of resistance experienced viscerally throughout the body.

In our workshops we use the STAND approach to help in this situation.

STOP - Slow the process down

THINK - pay attention to how you feel in this moment

ACT - put your own interests first - act in a way that makes you feel safe, be truthful about how you feel, SAY NO IF YOU MEAN NO

NEVER - don't people please, don't allow yourself to feel obligated,

DOUBT - never over ride or undermine yourself, don't worry if you are reading it wrong, always go with what makes you feel better

Narcissists are keen observers, intuitively picking up on a lack of confidence and self esteem in their victims. Like lions stalking their prey, they hone in on those who are too nice or too polite to challenge them. They sense weakness, which I describe in the workshop as 'White Flags' of surrender. They instinctively know which adults they can target and just as importantly, which adults they cannot. Abusers like Savile, groom the adults to win them over before they even begin to think about grooming the child. Parents are the first and often only line of defense in protecting a child! Be aware of your own vulnerabilities.

Accepting Responsibility

People were quick to distance themselves from Savile.

People are often quick to distance themselves from abusive behaviour and perpetrators, fearful for themselves rather than their first thought being for the victim. Most people don't ever want to be associated with someone who has been labelled as a paedophile or a child abuser, let alone admit to knowing them as a friend -  it's perfectly understandable. People often become so keen to protect themselves, they appear to lose sight of their duties to protect innocent children from harm, denying all knowledge, when truth could potentially save many more children from being abused.  Instead of speaking out, they attempt to justify this 'distancing behaviour' by convincing themselves and others that they didn't have a clue, still our bodies keep the score and we can't escape from ourselves.

We witness distancing behaviour throughout this documentary, from those who clearly knew or at least suspected and chose to do nothing,  to those who are still in denial.

The BBC, other celebrities, several members of the Royal family, Margaret Thatcher and other Politician's, along with Savile's closest staff members who undoubtedly witnessed the abusive behaviour and turned a blind eye, which is seen when one of them picks up a young woman, dropping her in front of Savile who announces on camera that he will 'have her later - take her away',  the female victim is then carried off! - Serving police officers, Savile's colleagues and associates who having heard the mounting rumor's about Savile and others like him,  but dismiss the rumors out of hand. Never questioning; always keen to protect their own reputations while blatantly ignoring the damage that they suspected was being done to innocent child victims. We always have a choice! We can either do the right thing, or we can move to protect ourselves - either way, we each must live with our choices.

Watching the flurry of distancing behaviours reminded me of the feedback I regularly receive following a workshop. On reflection,  professionals tasked with safeguarding children arrive at the conclusion that a workshop depicting Grooming Behaviours may be TOO uncomfortable for adults, reasoning that - 'We don't want to scare people!. In reality,  Adults are unlikely to feel nearly as uncomfortable as a child that is being raped by a grown man, or abused and betrayed by a adult - this should ALWAYS be our first and our last concern in my view and until it is we can expect to see more of the same.  Most adults can come to terms with feeling uncomfortable if it saves a child from being abused! Adults should protect children, not the other way round.

Because of his Persona - Savile secured a status of celebrity that most can only dream of. Because of this status, Savile - as is so often the case with fame and fortune, was not subject to the same checks as the rest of us would be.

High profile Services are often reluctant to add their names to the work of third sector Organisations, who are working tirelessly to protect innocent victims -  for fear of something going wrong. Yet stick a celebrity in front of these same services, and they bypass every rule in the book and through caution to the wind in order to accommodate said celebrity! Savile managed to find his way into numerous hospital wards and children's homes - putting him directly in contact with many of his vulnerable victims. Something is seriously wrong with this system; Ego appears to be running the show.

Regardless of education, knowledge, skills, understanding and lived experiences in the field, its unlikely that you or I will ever be awarded an honorary degree or be invited to sit on the Board of a secure hospital like Broadmoor, and yet Savile, an unqualified disc jockey, found his way in to both. While there is no mention of it in the Netflix Documentary, according to the book by Robin Perrie entitled, 'I'm the Yorkshire Ripper: Conversations with a killer,  Savile befriended serial murderer Peter Sutcliffe, visiting on a regular basis. Surely, this is considered questionable behaviour by anyone's standards? If you are as famous as Savile was, and can literally afford to 'buy' anyone's friendship, why would you choose to befriend a serial killer in Broadmoor? What was the purpose of Saviles visits? did anyone think to ask?

Complaints were raised about Savile's behaviour at Broadmoor but were again dismissed out of hand, despite what one might assume would be 'obvious' concerns for the health and safety of the hospitals vulnerable patients. An anonymous letter intended to bring Savile to the attention of the police, was buried by the police. We live in a society that considers fame and fortune to be more important than truth and justice.  A society where negative behaviours are given far more airtime than positive behaviours because the negative is considered more entertaining, grabs peoples attention and brings in more money.

Facebook whistleblower Frances Haugen accused the social media giant of putting “astronomical profits before people”, while harming children and destabilizing democracies in her testimony to the US Congress. Haugen said Facebook knew it steered young users towards damaging content and that its Instagram app was “like cigarettes” for under-18s. In a wide-ranging testimony, the former Facebook employee said the company did not have enough staff to keep the platform safe and was “literally fanning” ethnic violence in developing countries.

The truth is, Facebooks behaviour is merely a continuation of the narcissistic behavioural traits that have become common placed in our culture. You can witness grooming behaviours any day of the week by visiting your local target driven car dealership. If we are serious about protecting our children, we need to change our thinking and the way we treat people, across the board.

The link to ACEs Trauma

The use of Persona to fool people into believing they are someone they are not, is considered to be a narcissistic trait - not to be confused with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) that requires a diagnosis from a trained professional.

During the documentary we heard about the 'odd' relationship that Savile had with his Mother.

The youngest of 7 children, Savile was brought up in a Religious environment as a Catholic, taught to fear the judgement of God. In a rare clip with his Mother, Savile asks why she beat him so much as a youngster,  and his unapologetic elderly Mother, coldly responses "Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child"  a common belief from yesteryear. 'Spare the rod, spoil the child' - 'Children should be seen and not heard' -'Leave baby to cry itself to sleep', 'Boys don't cry, Men should be tough, Don't air your dirty laundry in public' - Asking for help is a sign of weakness' etc, etc etc.  A complete lack of understanding about human nature and the unquestioned beliefs of our Parents and Grandparents, has led to unhelpful learned behaviours being passed down from generation to generation, creating widespread complex Trauma.

We are now aware of the impact of Trauma and that when a Childs needs are not being met by it's primary caregivers, (ignoring a baby when it cries),  it often leads to ACEs Trauma (Adverse Childhood Experiences).

One of the causes of Narcissism is believed to be ACEs trauma.

Persona is a signature trait of narcissism; a mask used to protect a fragile sense of self. A lack of empathy is another trait.

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another persons situation, and see life from the perspective, rather than seeing it from your own. Someone who is narcissistic is unable to empathize with others, only ever seeing their own perspective.  They are also unable to experience empathy from others.

Where one might choose a greetings card for the sentimental verse written inside that makes us feel a gush of emotions, to send to a loved one on a special occasion perhaps -  someone lacking in empathy reads only printed words on paper, the words hold no emotional meaning for them.

When Savile asked his Mother why she beat him so often,  where many of us would have felt sadness or sympathy at the thought of a child being beaten - or felt the flush of embarrassment as the parent being exposed for beating a child, note in the documentary how there is no emotional response from either Savile or his Mother, who held a smile throughout the exchange.

Communication is all we have to let others know how we are feeling. When our feelings are dismissed, ignored or minimized - or when they are met with a lack of concern and empathy, we may feel belittled, disregarded, unseen and unheard - all of which are common triggers for people suffering from complex (ACEs) trauma.

If we imagine All behaviours on a scale ranging from;

-0 people-pleasing behaviours at one end  to +0 narcissistic behaviours at the opposite end, with balance being the Congruent behaviours at 0 in the middle - as shown below in fig 1.

Persona sits at both ends of the scale. Narcissistic behaviour uses the mask of persona to hide their true identity, while people-pleasing behaviour uses the mask of persona to hide their true feelings - opposite ends of the scale - both using Persona to the same ends.

When we stop labelling people and focus our attention on behaviours or more to the point, teach them to focus on their behaviours. When we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings, recognise and understand what triggers us and why. When we stop and listen to our bodies, and learn to adjust our behaviours accordingly, then and only then can we begin to heal from trauma and stop impacting others with our narcissistic and people pleasing behaviours. Change is entirely possible, if and only if the individual wants to change. 

In our current project, Self-Discovery for Recovery we use an approach called RAPPORT which focuses on recognising and adjusting our behaviours and interactions with others.

Fig.1.

 

There are those however, abusers like Jimmy Savile who do not want to change their behaviours, they enjoy outwitting victims, their only aim is to get away with it. This is why it is Vital that people learn how to recognise the signs, know how to respond and protect themselves and others.

For advice and support on any of the issues raised in this blog post - Please get in touch

 


fantasy, spirit, nightmare

Evolving through Trauma

Physical birth, welcomes to earth,
A malleable, pliable mind!
The innate yearning,
for advancement & learning,
Ripe for either harm or kind!
 
Confidence or Limitation,
determines strength or navigation,
installing the routes young minds take!
Self-worth, free choice,
versus fear and no voice,
primed for self-esteem or self-hate!
 
If by chance its the matter,
 teachers program the latter,
Trauma becomes the destination for most!
Importing anger & pain,
Delivering fear, guilt & shame,
Responsibility placed in the hands of the host!
 
Battling nightly demons,
Godless souls haunted,
knowledge that the devils eyes are red!
confusion prevailing, the spirit is failing,
mind & body wracked with anguish & dread!
 
Alone, Lost - beyond hopelessness,
silent & still,
Protected by an invisible screen!
From a blurry, safe distance,
the dorsal vagal observer,
views reality like a distorted harrowing dream!
 
When everything's broken
and Nothing has value,
when the senses are comfortably numb!
Behold - the birth of the ego,
Who summons the fighter,
demanding she heads for the Sun!
 
The spirit is evolving,
the journey; internal,
the ego encourages its host!
exploring new landscapes,
removing restrictions,
tuned in - more enlightened than most!
 
With the screensaver lifted,
The senses are primed,
Intuitive, observant, awake!
rebooted, upgraded,
enthused, motivated,
reprogrammed she re-navigates!
 
The truth is revealed,
the pathway to healing,
And nothing is quite as it seems,
Fear is an illusion,
in the eye of the beholder,
Sel -Belief - fuels both nightmares and dreams!
 
Copyright 2020 Deborah J Crozier

Coincidence & Connection

(Originally written May 2020)

I’m interested in hearing about strange Coincidences and Connections that you have experienced in your life for an upcoming podcast.

If you’re happy to share, and are willing to join me on a podcast for series 3, please get in touch.  In the meantime,  Here are a few coincidences of my own!

Grab yourself a cuppa and enjoy! (apologies for the lack of punctuation in this post – I promise its the blog format and  not my lack of consideration for the written word). 

May 14th is an important date in my diary as it’s the day my husband and I were married.

This year; 2020, marks our 4th wedding anniversary. The tickets to see Andre Rieu in concert; a thoughtful gift from my husband to celebrate our special occasion, have been put on hold until September due to the pandemic. At least the concert is still going ahead and it gives us something to look forward to once this awful situation improves. (Fast forward to 2022 – the Andre Rieu Concert never happened!)  All together now …. ‘ BOOOO !!!)

Nothing extraordinary about getting married in May, that’s true – however this date; 14th May holds significance for me for another reason and to explain why, I will need to take you back a few years.
May 2013, my daughter Bean (AKA Beanaramas-in-Pajamas) was just 22.  (She’ll be delighted I shared that I’m sure! :0)) 
Bean and I were spending the afternoon shopping together, having spent the morning in the Oncology department of the local hospital.
Bean had discovered a lump a few months earlier, which despite her tender age, the Doctors were becoming increasingly concerned about.
A biopsy was taken and we were told she would receive the results in due course. Putting on a brave face as always, so not to further alarm my little girl – a plastic smile to hide the worry, while my insides churned like a cement mixer; I was worried sick.
As I’m sure other Mum’s will agree, if there was ever an option to swap places with your child in such circumstances, we would choose it in a heart beat. Unfortunately, such an option doesn’t exist. Thankfully, Bean has an amazing spirit, positive and resilient in equal measure, and as always, she was the one reassuring me that everything was going to be fine. It was a stressful time for sure, particularly that ‘not knowing period’ between the biopsy and the results – like that empty space between a death and the funeral, that I call – ‘the void.’
The biopsy over, we headed to the local shopping centre, trying hard to take our minds off the situation. After enjoying chocolate cake & coffee, Bean and I started to the discount sports shop, as there was something Bean wanted to buy. Off she went in search of ‘whatever’, while I stood in the aisle staring ahead, my blank expression directed at a wall of training shoes. I was lost in thought, minding my own business when I became aware of a stranger, a woman stood close by, she appeared to be staring directly at me. Abruptly stirring me from my awakened slumber, I assumed I was in her way and apologized “sorry, am I in your way?” She smiled “No”, she said and stayed in the same spot.
The stranger didn’t appear to work in the shop and I certainly didn’t recognise her as someone I knew, so I smiled back and turned away, continuing about my business.
While I cannot recall the conversation verbatim, I can clearly remember much of what was said, and the conversation that followed went something like this;
She’s like you” she said, completely out of the blue.
To be fair, my mind was elsewhere, so I didn’t immediately cotton-on to what she was talking about.
Who is“, came my reply,
Your daughter – , ‘she’s just like you
I looked around the shop but Bean was nowhere to be seen.
“She’s over in the corner‘ she said, pointing across the shop,
You have every reason to be proud of her”
“Yes, thank you – I am” I smiled, placing the training shoe back on its shelf,
“She’s going to be just fine you know – you have nothing to worry about”!
I was beginning to feel very uncomfortable !
Who was this woman?
“I’m sorry, Do I know you?
I inquired, knowing full well we’d never met
Not exactly, she said – I’ve been asked to give you a message’ was her bizarre reply
“Oh great”; I backed away as I realised this woman was some kind of fortune teller,
“I’m really not interested, thank you”. 
I walked away from the stranger, and spotting Bean a little further down the aisle, I joined her, rolling my eyes indignantly. I turned my attention to a clothing rail, picking up a jacket and holding it against my torso, as though checking the size.
“I know you are really worried about her
the woman had only followed me and suddenly I was triggered, and really annoyed.
I turned to the woman;
“Listen, I’ve told you once, I am not interested , I don’t have any money to give you, now please go away and leave us alone,”
I was agitated and asserted my position.
Forgive me, I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to upset you – I don’t want anything from you, I have a message for you about your daughter”
At this point, I could feel myself burning up,
What?, What message, from whom exactly“?
I was becoming uncharacteristically rude.
My head was buzzing; How did she know I was concerned about Bean? had she been in the hospital?, if she had, I hadn’t seen her.
Was she in the cafe earlier eve’s dropping on our conversation? Not possible – we had purposely not discussed the situation!
I didn’t know how or why, maybe she was picking up on some unconscious body language I was giving off, I wasn’t sure, but she appeared to know something about us and was using it to inform her dialogue.
There was absolutely no way she could know if Bean was going to be okay – why would she say such a thing? no one knew, and the mere suggestion that she did know infuriated me.
She continued; “There’s a woman, she says you know who she is! She’s asked me to tell you that your daughter is going to be perfectly fine – you have nothing to worry about.
She is going to live a long, healthy and very happy life and sheds going to be very successful.
I stared at the stranger – I had no clue why she would say such a thing.
“She talks of change; a message from a Maggie and something to do with a John – do you know who Maggie is? or John”?
No, I don’t ” I snapped.
Holding Beans hand, we started making our way towards the exit.
I wasn’t be entirely honest,  of-course I knew a couple of Margaret’s,  – only one Maggie at the time, my landlady at the time was called Maggie. Like most people, I knew a couple of John’s, who doesn’t – but none that I was in contact with.
The woman followed on. She continued telling me that I wouldn’t stay in the home I was in, I would move house within a few months, which was absolute rubbish. Moving house was not on the cards – I had only moved to the house a year earlier and had no plans to move, I was settled and happy.
“The number 7, has been an important number in your life in the past – you may not have noticed it but pay attention to it in the future” came the final part of her message.
A load of rubbish, I thought to myself as I hurried away from her nonsense.
The number 7 had never meant anything to me in the past, my lucky number, if you could call it that – was and has always been the number 4, based purely on the fact that I was born on the 4th and for no other reason.
“Come on, Let’s go Bean”, I said, and marching back towards the car, we left the woman standing.
Once inside the car I was overcome with emotion and broke down and wept.
The experience had added to an already stressful day and had just been too much. I was worried sick about my daughter and to have a complete stranger telling me I had nothing to worry about, had left me feeling confused and overwhelmed. As Bean and I chatted in the car, Beans phone rang; it was my ex husband. He asked how Bean was before reminding her that today would have been her Grandma’s birthday!
His Mum, Edna had been a good friend to me, I had loved her dearly. We had gone into business together only months before she was diagnosed with terminal cancer; I was devastated. I gave up the business to nurse her, holding her hand, and crying as she argued with the devil, comforting her to the end; feeling her spirit leave her lifeless body.
She had promised on her death bed, that if she could make contact from the other side, she would, she would do her best to reach me, she would give me a sign so I would know it was her! I’d never really believed it, although secretly – well, who really knows!
I thought back to the strangers message – “There’s a woman, she says you will know who she is!”
I felt a sense of panic rising within me and immediately calmed myself by dismissing the idea out of hand. Back home, I put what the woman had said to the back of mind and focused on spending time with my daughter.
It had rattled me for sure, but having slept on it, I concluded there was no truth in anything she had said, she was obviously a fraud chancing her luck, although I really couldn’t explain what the point of it was.
I wasn’t planning on moving, I only knew one Maggie – and not all that well, I had no clue who John was and the number 7 had meant nothing to me in the past, if it proved lucky in the future – all well and good.
Fast forward to 3 months later;
Bean had received her results and was given the all clear (huge relief all round).
My landlady Maggie, emailed me in confidence informing me that my then partner had confided in her that he was unhappy in our relationship and could he please remove me from the tenancy and stay on in the house alone, Maggie wanted to know my thoughts on the matter!
This came as a complete shock to me, he had said nothing of the change of heart, but the humiliation of disclosing such information to someone neither of us really knew while at the same time saying nothing of it to me, ended our 8 year relationship and resulted in me leaving the home we shared.
A few days later, I’d inquired about a property advertised to let in the local paper, and found myself viewing a 2 bedroom cottage – the number of which, completely by chance – you guessed it – was number 7!
Fast forward 12 months, and after an incredibly difficult year, my entire life had changed.
I’d returned to study as a mature student at University. I had met my soulmate; the man I was to marry, And following a very disturbing encounter with a stalker, I had written STAND; which led to an invitation by Philip Noyes of the NSPCC to present my idea to the Directors and Staff at their HQ in London, then Manchester and then Carlisle, – and the man who would decide whether a joint NSPCC/STAND project would go ahead or not? A man named John!
All Coincidence? perhaps!
Still, I have to admit; the strangeness of the encounter that day, and the coincidences that followed, had me entertaining the idea that maybe there was something more at play. Maybe there were things I had never noticed, or wasn’t open to – was this something I should consider further? I got to thinking about significant dates and the number seven.
A date that sprung to mind was Friday 13th – a date that appears to hold concerns for many. It hadn’t figured so much in my life, but it was a date that had concerned my Mum when I was growing up, and for good reason I thought.
I remembered the time my Mum, my two younger sisters and I, were standing at a bus stop near our home in Luanshya, Zambia – we were heading into town – a town like none I had ever seen and nothing like the town we were used to back in Donny. We hadn’t been in Africa very long at the time, just a few weeks if I remember rightly.
While we were waiting for the one bus that turned up occasionally, a green jeep from the Roan Antelope Copper Mine suddenly pulled to a stop on the opposite side of the road, and to my surprise, my Dad jumped out and came running over the road towards us.
The look on his face told me something was very wrong. He gently ushered my Mum a short distance in front of us girls, just far enough forward so we wouldn’t hear what he was talking about. I observed intently – stretching my neck, trying desperately to ‘ear-wig’ to learn what was going on. It was bad news, I knew it. My Mum started to cry and my Dad wrapped his arms around, comforting her. Oh my God, what’s happened, I puzzled; had we lost one of our grandparents? The image of my Grandad as we left him standing in the middle of the road, frantically waving goodbye with both hands, tears streaming down his cheeks – and me, waving back, knelt up in the backseat of the taxi that was taking us to the airport. I felt sick with dread! ‘Is it Grandad?’
No, that wasn’t it.
Our parents sat us down and explained a short time later that on Friday, the plane carrying all of our worldly possessions had crashed and absolutely everything we owned was lost; all of our clothes (all we had were the clothes we were wearing), our toys, Mum and Dads wedding and family photo albums, absolutely everything was gone and we were here, in this foreign country, thousands of miles away from home with no means of replacing anything. This was bad, but it got even worse! The pilot and crew had all lost their lives in the crash.
From that day forward, I understood why Friday 13th was considered to be a bad day, and why it had given rise to my Mum’s superstition.
Over the years, I had often thought about the people who had died on that plane, especially on Friday 13th. I’d think about the families that had lost their loved ones that day. Possessions can always be replaced, lives cannot – valuable lessons learned at an early age; gratitude and resilience. It hadn’t been easy living in Zambia with no belongings to remind us of home, and it wasn’t as though we could just go out shopping; there were very few shops in Luanshya back then.
The copper mine where my Dad worked, loaned us pots and pans, and for everything else we made do. I often considered how fortunate our family had been, not to have been on that flight. We had made it safely just a few weeks prior, from Heathrow to Lusaka, and then from Lusaka to Luanshya in a rickety old plane, without issue. We were the the lucky ones.
Having shared the story with my husband, I decided to do some research and see if I could find any more information relating to the crash. Being young at the time, the details where pretty hazy now, but I knew it was a Dan Air flight, travelling from London to Lusaka.
I was stunned to discover that for all these years I had been wrong about the date; it wasn’t Friday 13th after all.
This event happened in 1977, 
 I was 7 years of age.
The real date – 14th May 1977 – 
Our Wedding anniversary and the day my Grandad did die - some 16 years later! (I hadn't realised this when we chose the date for our wedding)
The plane; A Dan Air – Boeing 707
Which had crashed on the final leg of its journey at 07.17 am
Now what do you make of that?
I would love to hear about your coincidences and connections, why not – Get in touch

1977 Plane Crash


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The Agreements We Live By

The Four Agreements, is a Toltec Wisdom book written by Don Miguel Ruiz.

The book is described by Deepak Chopra as a roadmap to enlightenment and freedom.  I recommend this book to anyone who is genuinely interested in personal development and seeking freedom, happiness and love in their lives. I would go as far as to suggest it be added to the national curriculum, along with a number of inspirational books I can mention, thus creating an essential reading list for school children. I reason I mention the book in this blog because many of the teachings in it reflect the foundation on which A Positive Start CIC (APS CIC) was founded.

On deciding the what kind of Interest Company we wanted to be and the kind of services we intended to deliver, my colleagues and I created a Code of Conduct that we refer to as Our Agreements.

Creating a Code of Conduct for life is a great exercise if you struggle with boundaries in relationships.

Each of our agreements is accompanied by a Quote to remind us of what is important to us and why. For example, our first agreement relates to Truth and Integrity;

'We always Say what we mean and we mean what we say', 

In a world where people-pleasing is rife and so many are easily offended, truth and integrity sit at the top of our list of Agreements.

The people we support and the services we provide are built on mutual trust.

Trust can be an issue for many people we support, a lack of trust of self, others and the world in general is a trauma response.  Recognizing what is  'truth' and what is not 'Truth' is becoming increasingly difficult in this era of Persona, and yet Without truth there can be no trust and without trust we do not feel safe.

(Heads up! Check out the Trauma Informed TRUST blog to follow)

Our agreement is a commitment to Truth and Integrity; We must say what we mean, in a direct, honest, compassionate and tactful way.

We agree Never to take on work or chase contracts just for the money, or because of a sense of obligation.

We agree that everything we do and say must always came from a place of truth, integrity  and compassion.

We agree never to start sentences with 'Sorry', unless we genuinely mean we are sorry and intend to change our behaviour.

We agree to question our intentions before we respond or react. We agree to reflect on and Accept our failing - knowing that we will never get everything right -  we agree to always try our best to live by these agreements.

Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements are;

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORDS

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

You can pick up a copy of The Four Agreements quite cheaply - its well worth a look.

Email info@apositivestart.org.uk or visit our contact page and request a Creating a Code Exercise sheet!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319

To be continued!