Confidence & The Developing Brain

It stands to reason that when children are encouraged and supported from an early age, influenced positively by the primary care givers and permitted to learn, grow and develop in a calm and stable environment, and allowed to make mistakes without being made to feel less than or chastised unnecessarily – the child is far more likely to grow up confident, with a positive self esteem, enabling them to form happy and healthy relationships, and live happy and healthy lives, while the opposite is also likely.

If as the research suggests, problem-solving, personality expression, motivation – including evaluating rewards, pleasure and happiness, reasoning and judgement and impulse control, are the last things to develop, the child’s future life and well-being is at the mercy of the care-givers. If the primary care-givers are not fully developed, are emotionally immature or have themselves been negatively influenced in childhood – a cycle of negative learned behaviours may occur. If unresolved trauma is experienced by the care-givers, it is reported by researchers that generational trauma is a possibility.

‘Transgenerational or intergenerational trauma as it is also known,  is a traumatic event that began decades prior to the current generation and has impacted the way individuals understand, cope with, and heal from trauma. Intergenerational trauma was first recognized in the children of Holocaust survivors, when in 1966, psychologists began to observe large numbers of children of Holocaust survivors seeking mental help in clinics in Canada. The grandchildren of Holocaust survivors were overrepresented by 300% among the referrals to a psychiatry clinic in comparison with their representation in the general population. Since then, transgenerational trauma has been documented in descendants of slaves, Native Americans, war survivors, refugees, survivors of interpersonal abuse, and many other groups. [Source]

According to Best Selling Author. Life Coach self made Multi-Millionaire  Rock Thomas, on average children are subjected to 100,000 put-downs by the time they reach 14 years of age, imagine the impact that a single put-down can have on an adult.

As we grow up, many behaviours become ingrained. We respond automatically because that’s all that we know. One of the ways in which our brains work, known as ‘Bottom-Up Processing – drawing on past experiences and filling in the blanks with what it already believes to be true. Many of us in our 50’s and older, were brought up in an era when children’s rights, although established, were rarely considered. The outdated belief that children should be seen and not heard, that Parents made all the decisions and children did as they were told – or woo be tide! Back when honor thy Mother and thy Father was the order of the day in many UK households.

As parents/caregivers, the majority tend to do what they believe to right by the child; teaching them right from wrong, good from bad, all the things that we believe will set them in good stead for a happy, healthy future. But what when our behaviours as caregivers is automatic? Learned behaviours that we are not consciously aware of handed down by the traumatized, under developed brains of our ancestors!

As parents we often fall into the habit of overriding our children’s choices, usually with the best of intentions but without actually realizing we are doing it, and by doing so, we can inadvertently overlook serious issues that the child is trying to tell us but maybe doesn’t have the language to be able to put into words what is happening to them or to express how they truly feel;

Child: “I don’t like sprouts” 

Parent: “Eat them up, greens are good for you”

Child “I’m not tired” –

Parent “It’s time for bed, you need your sleep”

Child “I don’t want to go swimming with Uncle Bobby”

Parent “Don’t be silly, he’s waiting – go and fetch your swimming kit”

When we get into a habit of automatic responses, red flags can be easily missed.

Sshhh! Pass it On!

A parent or care-giver who fails to resolve their own issues of trauma prior to having children, run the risk of continuing the damage by passing it on to their off-spring. For example, a caregiver that has suffered neglect or abuse as a child, or who has been taught that showing emotion is a sign of weakness, may not be equipped to show love or compassion themselves, unable to fulfil the needs of their offspring, having never learned how to.  Likewise, if a Mother or Father has learned how to navigate the moods and tempers of their parents, through manipulation and appeasement, this behaviour is likely to be present in the parenting of their own children, again, negatively influencing their child’s behaviours.

Abused people may suffer the long term effects of trauma;

• Denial of the traumatic event or events
• Detaching emotions from thoughts and actions (Numbness)
• Extreme anger or sadness/ Depression/ Anxiety
• Emotional outbursts (emotional dysregulation)
• Experiencing shame as a response to the trauma
• Somatic symptoms (physical responses, like shaking)
• Sleep problems and insomnia
• Breathing problems
• Gastrointestinal problems
• High blood pressure, cardiovascular disorders, Migraines
• Substance abuse disorders
• Development of Post Traumatic Stress Response

A caregiver/parent, who is detached from their emotions or who is consumed by shame, feelings of worthlessness, self doubt or anger due to unresolved childhood trauma, may lack in empathy & compassion with their own children –  thus continuing the cycle of negative learned behaviours. Having never learned how to take responsibility for their actions, the idea of being accused of ‘poor parenting’  is likely to be received as blame and criticism, resulting in more anger and denial.