Know Thy Self
The beliefs that we hold about ourselves shape our choices and our lives. The meaning we apply to the behaviours of others as children, often shapes our beliefs about ourselves. We are said do have accepted our conditioned thinking by the time we reach the tender of age of three years old.
If I believe I cannot do a thing or be a thing, the chances are, unless I am willing to challenge the belief I hold about myself, my assumption is likely to be correct – and I cannot do it or be it, because our thoughts impact how we feel and how we act.
‘Beliefs are just thoughts that we keep on thinking’!
We have the choice to examine the beliefs that we hold about ourselves and challenge the beliefs that are preventing us from living the life that we would choose for ourselves alternatively, we can choose not to.
The Choices We Make
Widely accepted, but seldom applied is the understanding that each of us are responsible for our actions, and we each live with the consequences of the choices that we make. It is important to recognise that the choices we make, given the information we have available to us at the time, and to the best of our capabilities – result as often as is possible, in outcomes that we are comfortable with or at the very least – outcomes that we can live with.
While the law recognises that people under a certain age are not accountable for decisions influenced by others (adults), having knowledge of this fact, does not stop the negative emotions of shame and guilt that a person carries within themselves for the badly thought-out decisions that they have made as young people; Decisions that have led to outcomes, that they have later come to regret. People often carry the weight of regret, shame and guilt for bad choices way into adulthood – knocking their confidence and self esteem; informing their future choices and shaping their adult lives.
Resolving these negative emotions within ourselves is an important part of the healing process.
Consider this: If I ask you which do you prefer Tea or Coffee? Chances are, you will find it easy to answer the question with minimum effort, automatic even – because you know what you like and don’t like. You may choose Coffee, because you don’t like Tea, or visa versa. You may choose neither – preferring a cold drink instead, or nothing at all because you’re not thirsty, or you’ve recently had a drink. The point I’m making is, you know what you prefer intuitively and whichever choice you make in that moment, is undoubtedly the right choice for you.
The problem which decision making arises when our judgement is clouded or our choices are influenced by another/others. Sometimes because others imagine they know what is best for us, and sometimes, not necessarily because the other person is intentionally influencing our decisions, but because we are choosing to put another persons beliefs, opinions and preferences before our own, maybe because we care about them and don’t want to upset or offend them, maybe through fear of rejection or criticism, or for other reasons, but whatever it is, it is still a decision that ‘we;, are making and that we will live with the consequences of.
To give a lived experience example;
In a previous relationship, many years ago now, my new partner initially presented as ‘the perfect mate’. He appeared funny, kind, attentive, intelligent and for want of a better word ‘really cool’. All the things I thought at the time were important qualities in a partner. I was impressed, because I was anything but cool, and I couldn’t really understand why someone as ‘cool’ as he was would be interested in someone as uncool and ‘straight laced as me. I wasn’t aware of it at the time, but this kind of thinking came from my own lack of self worth. I also wasn’t aware at the time, that a failure to recognise and address my own lack of self-worth, meant I was likely to keep revisiting the same situations; Different faces, different places – always the same outcome!
Not long into the relationship, he came to my house and I was listening to pop music, belting out the words to one of my favourite songs; Erasers ‘We’ll be together again’, while hoovering the living room carpet. “You’re not into that shite are you?” he said, turning the volume down on the ‘Ghetto Blaster’. Embarrassed by my preference, and fearful that my ‘uncoolness’ would be revealed, I immediately responded with “No, not at all – it just came on, I don’t usually listen to ‘shite like this”! I never listened to that song, or any kind of popular music that I had previously enjoyed, again during the relationship. However, when asked if I liked the heavy metal music that was his preference, I felt unable to say No, even though, the truth was, I absolutely detested it. It gave me a banging headache, but instead of saying what I truly felt, I fluffed around the question so not to appear ‘uncool, unintelligent or different to him. I also didn’t want to offend him with my honesty, so I skated around the question with things like; I’ve never really listened to it – to be honest! – I don’t dislike it, it’s pretty good” Complete tripe! I convinced myself I was being a ‘nice’ person, being considerate – making compromises – rubbish, I was lying to myself, compromising myself because I was afraid of being rejected by someone I had feelings for. For the duration of the relationship, I kept up this ridiculous pretense of ‘not minding‘ listening to the awful din that was his music choice and avoided listening to anything that he might consider ‘popular’.
It began with music, but it quickly spread into every aspect of life. The clothes I wore, the food I ate, the company I kept, even my values and beliefs.
It wasn’t long before I lost sight of who I was and the things I preferred. I felt as though I was disappearing behind this other person until I was completely overshadowed and no longer valid, I eventually lost sight of myself.
The guy was not cool in reality, he was incredibly violent and abusive. I eventually left the relationship after a particularly violent attack when he knocked me to the floor, held me down, and squeezed my throat with both hands until I passed out. It is by the Grace of God that I am here today to share my experiences with you.
The Responsibility We Take
For many years I was able to confidently say ‘None of it was not my fault’! He was the problem. But after the third, ( not always violent, but always controlling and/or abusive), I had to face up and accept that I had a part to ” play in the things that were happening to me. I was the common denominator, leaving me no choice but to ask of myself ‘What is it about me always leads me to here?” I embarked on a journey of self discovery that would change me and my life for ever for the better. (feel free to request these self discovery exercises and I will happily email them to you)
How you Feel, matters. How you think informs how you feel and how you behave. All to often we leave ourselves out of the judging and blame others for the unhappiness in our lives.
I came to understand that I am not responsible for the violent, abusive behaviour of another. As we said in the opening sentence, ‘We are each responsible for our own actions, we own our behaviour and live the consequences of our choices.
We cannot control the actions of another person no matter how much we may want to or how hard we try. We can however choose how we respond to the actions of others. We always have a choice!
We can come to understand how and when we give away our power to others. How and when we allow our choices, opinions and values to be overshadowed and over ridden by another. We can learn how not to do these things, and how to stand in our power, exercise our rights – or not!
We can learn how to challenge the beliefs we hold about ourselves, we can consider the words we use to describe ourselves, we can choose to change if we wish. We can choose to become more assertive and learn how to exercise our rights or we can choose to always point the finger and choose to continue on the path that we are on.
If you are experiencing negative emotions, it is very likely that you are going against yourself in some way, you may be ignoring your internal sat-nav that is alerting you to a problem. You may be doubting yourself, questioning yourself, or choosing to ignore yourself because you don’t want to face what listening to yourself means for you. After 30 years of searching for answers, I only found one way forward from this place of angst and confusion – and that is self-discovery! Looking within – the answers are within us – look within – know thyself!
The Truth About Healing
To be absolutely honest, its messy, emotional, overwhelming and exhausting. But with that comes the most amazing feeling of mental and emotional freedom when you can finally break away from the chains that have been holding you back in your own mind. The limiting beliefs you have had about yourself slowly subside. A level of confidence and determination shines through so bright that you no longer tolerate the things you once did and what a truly liberating feeling that is.
As with anything in the world, there is no 1 size fits all. This is particularly true when it comes to healing ourselves as the process of healing depends very much on the depth of our pain. The years we have carried it with us and the generally destructive behaviours and coping mechanisms we have displayed as a result. All this need to be addressed so we can identify our triggers, tune in with our bodies responses and learn to control our emotions in a more healthy and manageable way.
Taking responsibility is key! It is completely up to us individually to be responsible for our own healing. Unfortunately there is no magic wand that makes everything all better, that would be too easy. We are given the tools and guidance by those who support us through this difficult time to be able to find our way through but ultimately, it is up to us to put those things into practice and make the difference in ourselves.
In my own healing process i found journals very useful. Part of healing is solitude, distancing yourself from all the people and places that bring chaos to your life and so having a journal to write down how you are feeling is a safe and private way to just get things out your head. Wither that be in the form of poems, stories, memories or just a good old rant, write it down! In writing these things down, it gives us the chance to read it back out loud to our self and hear the words spoken rather than turning over in our head. I for one have on many occasion thought to myself after saying something "that sounded better in my head". When we vocalise something, we are giving our self the chance to actually hear how we feel rather than just thinking about it and this alone can change the way we start thinking. This is where we start facing our real feelings as opposed to suppressing them and that again is a major part of the healing process.
As i started feeling better, the journal entries became less and less but I would from time to time pick up my journal and read through past entries. It is at this point i realised just how far i had already come and reading the earlier entries actually made me feel really proud of myself and gave me the energy and motivation to keep going forward. In order to do that with a lighter heart and start letting go of the past, i sat down in front of a fire with my journal, read page by page and as i finished each one, i ripped out the page and threw it in the fire until the whole journal was left with just blank pages again. It was almost like a personal cremation of all the things that once weighed me down and it felt so uplifting. This can be done with photos, old letters or anything else that negatively impacts your state of mind or connects you with things that you no longer want in your life. Treat it like a funeral. Respectfully say goodbye to once was and open up to a new way of living, feeling, thinking.
Then start writing again! Open up the journal and start making new entries. As time goes on you will again see how much further you have come. There will always be hurdles and obstacles in our way but we learn to navigate them better as we grow and again, is a reflection of how far we have come in our own healing process. Repeat the "written cremation" as i like to refer to it as, as many times as you need to. This is your process, take as long as you need!
Music! The music we listen to very much influences our mood. If we are already feeling low, listening to songs that are generally about break ups, bad love or just generally have depressing lyrics, guess what?? That's how you are going to feel. Depressed! Music can also have the opposite effect. Create an uplifting playlist with positive messages in the lyrics. Play that playlist every morning and see the difference in your mood as the day starts. A few of my favourite songs and playlists that helped me through were, Blue October - Fear... Matchbox 20 - Unwell...Andreas Moe - Out Of Your Body...alex rainbird Music - there are so many compilations on youtube that are very uplifting and positively impact your mood. Have a listen to some and find one that makes you feel good.
The most important thing to remember in your healing process is, if it doesn't make you feel good.....stay away from it! You are making your way through the transitional tunnel of self love, self care and self respect. Setting your boundaries and protecting your heart. If the things around you don't contribute positively to that....its a sure sign you have outgrown them and are ready to move into the next level of healing.
Sending healing wishes to everyone who needs it. Stay strong....YOU CAN DO THIS!!
by Sharon Paxton
What if?......Why not?...
It's all too easy to let our trauma consume us. It's not something we automatically want to do but for some.....many.... there is seemingly nothing else to focus on to keep us motivated.
In my own experience, it was the positive feedback i got from outsiders, teachers, bosses, colleagues, friends...strangers even, which kept me in the mindset that i was capable of doing something positive with my own life. I think this is very important for anyone who is lacking the support of family members or for those who are in fact victimised by their own families, to realise that our biggest supporters are often those we dismiss because we expect the positive feedback from those closest to us.
Sometimes we lose sight of our abilities because we have been told too many times we don't have any by the very people who are supposed to love and care for us but the truth is, it is often the people we come into contact with on our journeys that give us a better evaluation of our capabilities. They are commenting from a non judgemental point of view and are merely saying what they see in us. That's where our focus is better placed.
Having these influences i believe are our guidance from the universe that our abilities are being recognised but it is up to us to believe it. These are the universal signs we hear and talk about. We have people sent our way, no matter how brief, to come to us with positive input and to build us up bit by bit and instil a feeling of worthiness. No meeting is ever by chance, there is something to be taken from all our human encounters. They were never all meant to be negative.
What if, instead of being chipped down by the negative comments we have heard about ourselves, we were to focus solely on the positive comments. What if..we dismiss the opinions of people who don't nearly have their own life together or are living a lie themselves. What if...we could better understand that insults and put downs are nothing more than a projection of the pain inside the person who is saying those things to us? If only it was as easy to accept the positive like we do the negative.
Who is anyone really to devalue our worth? What gives anyone the right to make us feel so rejected? We know the answer to these questions are no one and nothing, so why do we take their word as truth?
Why not, instead of reacting to these people, we simply say...."i hope you heal from whatever drives you to want to hurt others". That's where our power lies.
What if...we stopped taking things personally and instead think, "what do i have that intimidates people to the point they have to try and pull me down"?
When we change how we perceive the view of others...we change how we feel about it.
By Sharon Paxton
A Lesson in Respect
I grew up in the 80s in a mining community in Yorkshire. I played the cornet in the local colliery band. I marched with the Miners when they returned to work defeated, exhausted and broken.
I remember the horrors of the miners strike; seeing grown men who I knew, from our village being dragged bruised, bloody & beaten by police without collar numbers & thrown into arrest vans.
Labelled as ‘The Enemy Within, by a Government pushing an agenda, because the Miner had made the decision to strike in a desperate attempt to save his job & livelihood, while the world looked on.
I remember the men who barricaded themselves inside their homes, living in fear for their lives.
A house near by had metal cages on the doors & windows resembling a prison.
Paint was thrown on the outside, ‘identifying’ the house and the word ‘Scab’ daubed across the walls and windows, because the Miner inside had made the decision NOT to strike in a desperate attempt to save his job & livelihood, while the world looked on.
The narrative was constantly being pushed, the media portrayed ‘the opposing sides as ‘the good & the bad’, ‘the right and the wrong’, the selfish & the brave’ the Picket & The Scab.
Emotions ran high, there was so much at stake for all concerned.
Families & communities were torn apart as a result of the prolonged fight for jobs. Both sides struggled, as they watched their starving children queuing for food outside the makeshift kitchens of the Miners Welfare Clubs.
Friends became Enemies, Brothers lost touch, and like a pebble in a pond, the ripples of anger, mistrust, hurt & betrayal smeared the generations.
Two men with differing views suffering equally – both fighting against each others view. Both fighting for their rights to choose what they believed was the right choice for them.
Neither of them wanted to fight in the first place, that was never their intention; both parties were always just trying to save their jobs & protect their families and their communities from destruction.
This brings to mind another lesson from history; The unofficial Christmas Truce of 1914, when just 5 months into World War One, Soldiers along the western front from both sides, downed their weapons, calling an unofficial truce and enjoying a game of football together on Christmas Day. It suggests to me, that these men were not really enemies. They hadn’t wanted to kill and destroy each other, real hatred doesn’t stop for a game of football. They were both fighting for what they believed in, while being force fed a narrative – and, as is always the case, both side suffer loss in the end.
During the Miners strike, both sides were fearful for the future, and both sides had good reason to be because, both sides lost everything in the end!
The lessons we should have been learned here is Respect!
Respect for each others opinions, respect for other peoples rights to choose – even when they make a different choice to ours.
Never to fall for the ‘Us & Them’ narrative and to always remember –
We are not enemies- We are friends,
We are family, We are neighbour’s, We are colleagues, We are community, We are human, We are connected,
May we stay this way!
For my part;
I promised to always respect you and your choices, without question or criticism, without any intent to discourage, influence or override – either overtly or covertly, regardless of any narrative being pushed.
And I trust that you, likewise will look beyond our differences, and equally respect me and mine.
Peace and Love to you and yours – always.
Copyright© 2021. Deborah J Crozier.
What is a Toxic Relationship.
When we talk about toxic relationships, it is important to understand that it isn't always necessarily the persons involved that are toxic. Quite often it can be the situation itself that becomes toxic because the characters of the people involved clash to a point of making the relationship a troublesome one. Once we understand this, it makes it easier for us to identify the problem without having to point blame from one to another and actually see that by withdrawing from the situation, no matter how difficult it may be, will in return better the situation naturally. For example, a couple who are constantly arguing and can't seem to settle their differences decide to split up. Given time for the initial hurt to pass, the same two people get to a point where they become good friends and can work through differences without the shouting and name calling. So it wasn't that the two are personally toxic, but more that the relationship itself wasn’t right for them and the clash of personalities made it difficult to be able to work together as a couple.
On the other hand, there are unfortunately so many people who are living with unresolved traumas from their own childhood that refuse to acknowledge that their behaviours can also become toxic to others. Instead of realising their own accountability, they will constantly blame others and twist words and situations to make others look bad to protect the image they have of themselves in their mind. This alone is a toxic trait as it leads to traits of narcissism where they manipulate and control people and situations to their own advantage. This then becomes a toxic environment to be in until the unhealed person takes responsibility for their behaviour after acknowledging that they in fact are the ones with the issues that need resolved. Sadly, not enough people are willing or able to face their own inner self to begin their healing as they cant or wont admit that the behaviours they display hurt and damage the ones closest to them and this is where people actually do become toxic.
Each and every one of us have our own unique characters, shaped and formed through the life we have lived and even going back through ancestral traumas that have been passed down genetically. We are all very different and therefore are not going to connect fully with every relationship we have. There doesn't have to be anyone to blame, it just didn't work out and no matter how long you stick around hoping things will get better, they never will and therefore we fall into the familiar comfort rather than actually working together and connecting on a soul to soul level.
Confusing love with lust is what leads most of us into a toxic relationship. We are so in love with the idea of being in love, especially if we have been neglected in our childhood that we are blinded to hidden motives and abusive behaviours. Ignoring red flags and bending over backwards to please people.
We have all been toxic to someone at some point but that doesn't define who we are. Once we heal from our pain and can openly admit our wrongdoings, you are no longer that same toxic person.
Toxic Relationships
There's a common phrase that goes “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”, but the sad truth is…..betrayal rarely - if at all - comes from an enemy.
It's the people who say they love you who are more capable of hurting and betraying you than any enemy you may have, in my experience.
My first toxic relationship was with my mother! The very woman who gave birth to me spent almost my entire life tormenting me with verbal, physical and emotional abuse. The loving words i was raised with and heard so often it still sticks clearly in my head to this day. “You fat, ugly, good for nothing Smithy little bastard”. Can’t you just feel the love ooze from such a comment! I could never understand what I did so wrong to make her seemingly hate me so much simply for loving my dad when she no longer wanted him. In my school years, I remember the day I got my report card home from school. I handed it to her in the kitchen, not too worried about it because yes i was a chatterbox at school and a bit of a daydreamer but i knew the report wouldn't be a bad one as such. She didn't even open it! She took it off me, ripped it in half and put it straight into the bin saying, “there's no point even reading that, no doubt it will be shit anyway”. Yet another kick in the gut to enforce her words that i wasn't good enough...at anything!
I played hockey for 4 years during high school and every Saturday we had a game on, most other players would have their parents there watching and supporting them but not once did i ever have anyone standing on the sideline cheering me on. Not even when we got through to tournaments. No encouragement, no support, nothing! When my periods came, now we are talking about the early 90's so sanitary towels were not the most comfortable of things to wear back then so I started using my mum's Tampax instead. When she realised, all hell broke loose! I was called a slut, a dirty little whore and a few other choice words to the point my step dad jumped in and told her she was being way too harsh and out of order. Not that she bothered about that. Now I really am just giving a rough outline on what I had to deal with where my mother was concerned and to add insult to injury….my sister seemed to enjoy watching me be kicked down which leads me to my second toxic relationship...my sister!
She was only 18 months older than me but we had anything but a healthy relationship and certainly not the usual sister relationship...ever. I always figured that it was my very existence that bothered her as being the 2nd born, I must have just knocked her nose out of joint simply by being born. As kids, she was always finding ways to upset me, get me into trouble and tell lies about me all the while laughing at how pathetic i was because i cried a lot...is it any wonder?? I also began thinking that she did it to score points with my mum because it seemed they both enjoyed belittling me. I had asthma as a child and she once put a cushion over my face and kept it there til I was gasping for breath and then just laughed at me when she knew I was OK.
When I started smoking, more influenced by the fact both my parents, grandparents and other relatives we were around also smoked and less to do with any peers. My sister had found out about it and couldn't wait to go tell my mum. I got home from hockey training one afternoon and as i got to the top of the stairs, mum grabbed me by the hair...as she did often...and dragged me up the hallway, kicking and beating into me all the while my sister was stood at her bedroom door grinning and smirking at me like she had won a victory. The torment was ongoing and it became clear the older I got that I had actually built a resilience against them and rather than break down to the pathetic little piece of crap they wanted me to be, I slowly started detaching myself from them. I started spending more time with my friends and less time at home. I remember my mum once said she didn't know where I got my confidence from which I always found entertaining as she had tried her hardest to beat it out of me.
It was not long after my 17th birthday she kicked me out after being brought home by the police late at night...drunk! I'm more inclined to believe that was the night she knew she wouldn't get away with abusing me as easily any more as it was probably the first time I stood up to her. I wasn't aggressive or abusive towards her, but I did tell her if she was going to keep treating me like a 2 year old I'd keep acting like one. I walked out the house at that point and she packed my stuff and that was it. My drunk bravery must have scared her and from that point on….i was no longer useful to her or welcome in her house. I was no longer an easy target now that I had stood up to her. She told my siblings i had been off my face on drugs and if she caught them talking to me that they would be out the door too. I stood behind her in the queue in a shop one day, she looked me up and down like I was something she just stepped in then turned her back like she didn't even know who i was.
So, taking all this into account. Guess who then went on to have toxic relationships as an adult until i changed my thinking and realised my worth. It took me until i turned 40 to really believe in myself but i got there. When toxicity is all you have been familiar with, it's inevitable that you will find yourself in unhealthy relationships or false friendships because it has been drummed into your subconscious that it's all you are worthy of and therefore you believe that you have to do what is expected from others just to keep them happy. If your own mother says you are a worthless piece of shit and deserve to be treated as such it must be right. Right??
WRONG!! What I grew to understand was that I was never deserving of that treatment, not from anyone. The reality is….parents are only the previous generation of kids who grew up to have their own kids, many of whom are still holding onto unresolved issues from their own childhood making it very common that they would then inflict similar pain onto their own children. They don't automatically gain a right as a parent to belittle or manipulate a child because they have unresolved issues of their own and they are in fact the ones who have shame to bear, not us. It is in realising this, we can start healing from our past and make sure history doesn't repeat itself with our own kids. Parents are protectors after all.
It is only once we realise our worth, set our boundaries and start the journey of healing that we no longer tolerate the things we once used to. No longer do we feel the need to find validation from the outside world to feel good. Realising that we have given ourselves too freely to people who could see our “neediness” and took full advantage of us in our vulnerable times. Then we begin to understand that where we have come from does not define where we are going.
The biggest challenge in this part of healing is the solitude we face. Breaking away from the familiar faces and situations we become so used to, it is almost like moving to a whole new country and starting again on foreign soil. After spending many years looking for comfort and short term pleasures in the wrong people/partners/friends, being on our own is a very daunting thought. However, it is such a beautiful transition we face in that time. Learning to love and understand ourselves, knowing who we actually are, realising we are already everything we wish we could be, it's just hidden under layers of negative self talk and years of low self esteem. Break through that and you uncover a whole new person who has been patiently waiting for their time to shine. It is in each and every one of us to find in our own time and in a way that works best for yourself….but you will...because you want to and where there's a will, there is always a way!
Heal in such a way that the toxic relationships and people you once attracted, no longer take interest in you because your boundaries become clear and non negotiable. Some people may try to come back into your life but that's just so they can pull you back down again as they want you to be available for their needs rather than them acknowledging your own. Of course, they then call you crazy when you say no thanks but that's a reflection of who they are. Growth can be intimidating to those who aren't ready to face or recognise their own shortcomings. To watch someone overcome their trauma and go on to live a happy life should be something the people around them applaud. Rest assured, if they mock, challenge or undermine your efforts, they are already seeing your potential and it scares them. Never set yourself on fire just to keep others warm.
We don't come through this thinking we are better than anyone, We just realise our worth and that we are capable of more than what we could achieve while being in certain companies or environments. I simply outgrew my old life and am fully focused on what lies ahead rather than what I left behind.
By Sharon Paxton
The things I Ponder
I spend a lot of time pondering! I'd have to say its one of my favourite pastimes.
Pondering only becomes an issue, when I attempt to engage others in it. Whether that's because they disagree with my view point, they believe they know better (which is not to suggest they don't), or as seems to be the case more often than not, because they genuinely don't care one iota, and don't want to have to think about it - it's all fair enough. I regularly sense the horror creeping into the ether, and witness my loved ones ducking for cover whenever I utter those dreaded words "Can I ask a question"?
To be fair to my loved ones, I do tend to ask the 'can I ask you a question, question, quite a lot. I believe I've always been the same. I'm told growing up, I was a terrible nuisance, always asking silly questions and driving people nuts. It's kid like to question, as adults we should encourage it, its how our children learn and grow. My continued curiosity seldom wins me favour, but it has certainly caused me a few issues in my time. It's considered a problem to some, especially those who consider questioning to be a personal challenge, either to them or to their authority, which is not necessarily always the intention. When I was younger and less confident, I used to promise myself that I'd stop asking questions, especially when my questioning was met with anger, annoyance, disapproval or a look of disappointment, and there was a period in my life when I did exactly that, I stopped questioning. There are no benefits to not questioning in my experience.
In recent years I've been able to accept this is part of who I am and acknowledge, I'm not going to be to everyone's liking and that is okay. I'm curious, I believe the world needs curious people to keep asking questions whether others like it or not. My blog provides an opportunity to ponder questions that most people either don't care about, don't want to have to think about or don't want to engage with. If you can relate to this - maybe you should consider getting yourself a blog!
Today, like most days, I've been pondering;
If amongst all the excitement of inventing the first engines and cars back in the late 1880s & 90s, did Henry Ford or Karl Benz give any consideration to the human cost or damage that might occur in the event of car's crashing at speed, people being run over or the impact on the environment due to increasing pollution? I wonder if there was someone sat in a board meeting - considered to be 'The negative one , or the annoying one always questioning; asking these kind of questions!
I don't know the answer, I merely ponder! although someone far more clued up on the history of these men may know the answer? My guess is, possibly not.
Given the first car is reported to have reached a top speed of just 10 MPH (16 km/h) and cars on the road were but a few, I imagine the considerations at the time will have been far less. No one can be expected to see into the future or know the unknown. Still, given human natures drive and ambition to push boundaries, realise the impossible, progress and evolve, exactly as Ford and Benz had themselves achieved, I wonder if either of them ever woke up with a start at 2am, sweating and panicking about the potential dangers that may come with evolution. I wonder if the inventors and creators of today ever do the same?
It took less than 30 years for the car to reach 100 mph - no coincidence then that the first Motor Car Act was introduced in the UK in 1903. There were those who opposed the Act, calling for No restrictions on speed limits with parliamentary debates described as 'bitter' at the time. Can you imagine if we had no speed limit restrictions on todays roads!. It only took a further 100 years (give or take a few), for cars to reach top speeds in excess of 315 mph, the Road Traffic Act evolving in an attempt to keep up with the advancing technology.
Such Acts in Law don't actually stop all people from speeding, having or causing accidents of-course. I imagine Roger Wallace who strongly opposed speed limits back in the day, continued putting his pedal to the metal, revving the guts out of his electric car as he sped along country lanes at some 14 mph, hoping never to bump into an Officer of the Law. We legislate for damage limitation, attempting to protect and preserve life, ensuring safety, but the fact remains we can never control everyone's behaviour and nor will we ever be able to. We can create rules, regulations, policies, laws, spending time and money trying to enforce them, but there will always be people who disagree, and it doesn't always mean those people are in the wrong. There will always be people who disagree and break rules, and people who don't necessarily disagree, but who break the rules anyway, maybe because they think the rules don't apply to them. Even some people who make the rules, break the rules, possibly because in their minds, they are above the law - as true today as it has always been! Why? because it's human nature to question and challenge. Not all rules or laws protect all people. Some rules put some people at a serious disadvantage and/or are an infringement of their human rights - it depends on the individual, it depends on the rules being enforced, and it depends on who is imposing the rules and why.
When we come to understand that not everyone thinks the same way as we do, not everyone experiences life in the same way we experience it - then the world starts to make much more sense.
I digress.
There are many advantages of being able to drive, and of owning a car, but at what point do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages? Again, this will be different for everyone!
If you can drive and have access to a car, your chances of Employment increase - that's a real positive. You can travel for work and could gain employment driving; deliveries, buses, field sales, lots of possibilities.
Independence - if you have a vehicle, you can take yourself off whenever you want to, for long or short journeys, running to your own schedule, travelling far and wide. (Pre-Covid & Brexit I should probably add).
Emergencies - Having access to a vehicle in the case of an emergency is a huge advantage, when someone's sick, injured or pregnant and needs to get to a hospital or see a medic. Just a few of the benefits of driving and owning a vehicle.
The disadvantages are equally plentiful. Vehicles can be expensive, to buy and maintain, unaffordable for some.
Vehicles are said to be one of the major causes of global warming, emitting carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases into the atmosphere and causing worldwide temperatures to rise and creating major concerns for the future of our planet.
There are an estimated 1.4 billion vehicles currently driving around our planet, which is expected to increase to 2.8 billion by 2036 according to recent reports. With an increase in vehicles, it stands to reason there's also increased risk. According to the WHO (World Health Organization), road traffic injuries caused an estimated 1.35 million deaths worldwide in 2016. If these figures are correct, that means somewhere in the world in 2016 alone, one person was killed in a road traffic accident every 25 seconds. Shit, no one mentioned that - should we all stop driving our cars then?
I very much doubt Ford or Benz could have even imagined a human being would be capable of intentionally driving a car into a crowd of people with the purpose of causing harm - but it happens.
Am I suggesting we stop creating, inventing, progressing, evolving just incase bad things happen? Absolutely not! Quite the opposite of that. We should not stop living because of the fear of dying! We cannot stop evolving, even if we wanted to, we will never stop bad things from happening, we can only hope to limit them, and we can only limit them, if we are prepared to consider they exist in the first place, and to do that, we must be willing to take a balanced view.
When we convince ourselves that we only need to consider one side of any situation, and imagine that side is the positive side, the correct view and that's all that matters, thus concluding anyone who looks beyond the positive must be negative, labelling them as a negative person, 'full of doom and gloom' a party pooper or conspiracy theorist, because they take a different view to us, we are doing ourselves a huge injustice by deliberately avoiding information that could potentially alert us to problems that at some point, we will need to consider. I'm not suggesting we focus on the 'negatives', or believe everything we are told, I am suggesting we acknowledge the existence of the alternative because we live in a duality, and duality requires balance.
By duality I mean, Black/White, Hot/Cold, Rich/Poor, Good/Bad, Positive/Negative Right/Wrong. Up/Down, In/Out, Near/Far- you get the idea, everything has its opposite. You only know what it feels to be happy, if you know how it feels to be sad. You know what is right, because you know what is wrong. If there is duality, there has to be double-use capability (something used for good can also be used for bad), and so theres a need for balance - recognising both sides. Yin and Yang.
We all want to focus and experience positives in our lives, of course we do, but If we are only prepared to see one side of something, then we run the risk of inadvertently overlooking the opposite side and that will inevitably cause problems. If we only consider the positive, we run the risk of being vulnerable to the negative, because we are completely ignorant to it's existence.
I cannot being to tell you how often people have said to me; "'Manipulative Behaviours, why would you want to educate people on something so negative when it probably won't even happen to them!"
I am not suggesting negative behaviours will happen so therefore you should take my course, I am saying negative behaviours exist because positive behaviours exist, because all things have an opposite and a double-use capability. We can only know how to prevent the negatives, if we are aware of them and we can only be aware of them, if we are prepared to listen to alternative viewpoints. We should never dismiss other peoples viewpoints, or worse still, aim to prevent others from listening to alternative viewpoints.
If we choose to completely overlook one side, to block it out entirely, because we consider it to be something negative - that won't stop it from existing - it will still exist, it just means we are ignoring it, burying our heads. It means we are likely to miss the signs that could alert us to a problem, should the problem ever present itself. Prevention being better than cure. We can't know what the signs are if we are not prepared to consider them, simply because we've labelled them as being negative and therefore not worthy of consideration. If we scoff, dismiss and pigeon-hole the people who try to inform us, labelling them as 'negative people', stupid, bad. wrong - then all we have left with is hope. We have to hope we never find ourselves faced with that particular negative situation, and if we are, then we have to hope again, that we get away with it lightly.
Or we could educate ourselves with as much information as possible on any subject that impacts peoples lives. Be prepared to listen and discuss alternative views, even if we don't agree with them. All information available, allowing us to reach a balanced view.
Consider this;
Imagine, You have been summoned to court as part of the jury in a serious case.
Having been sworn in under oath you are advised by the Judge to listen and consider, all of the evidence presented, before reaching a final decision; Innocent or Guilty!
Lives and Justice hang in the balance.
The prosecution steps up, presenting a compelling case as to why they believe the individual is guilty and why you should find in the prosecutions favor.
The defense are told by the Judge, that they will not be permitted to present their case and you are asked to make a decision based on the information that has been presented to you so far.
You can immediately see the problem here right? How can anyone possibly make an informed decision, if the only evidence available suggests the accused is guilty - You can't possibly come to a fair conclusion. The opposite is also true, If only the defense presented. There always has to be Balance. If there's no balance, then there's no justice, at best, there can only be guess work. Yet so often we are choosing what we will and will not listen to. Increasingly, others who do not even know us, but assume to know what is best for us, are deciding the information that we should and should not have access to - and we should always be ready to question that, because that is an infringement of our human rights, and that cannot go by unchallenged.
We have to step back, give ourselves chance to clear our minds and think for ourselves and we have to show respect for the things we do not know.
"The important thing is to never stop questioning - Curiosity has its own reason for existing" Albert Einstein
Withholding Information
What do you need to know?
As mentioned in a number of my blogs, one form of coercive behaviour is; the withholding of information.
We can only make informed decisions when we are privy to all the information that is available at the time, even if the information is limited, and only allows for a prediction, or a forecast, the more information we have, the more accurate the forecast will be.
If, for whatever reason, we believe information is being withheld, it’s important to understand why and uncover as much information as we possibly can.
Lets consider the following fictitious scenario;
You have been summoned to court as part of the jury in a serious case. Having been sworn in under oath you are advised by the Judge to listen and consider, all of the evidence presented, before reaching a final decision.
Lives and Justice hang in the balance.
The prosecution steps up, presenting a compelling case as to why they believe the individual is guilty and why you should find in the prosecutions favor.
The defense are told by the Judge, that they will not be permitted to present their case.
You are asked to make a decision based on the information that has been presented to you.
What questions if any, will you need to ask before you feel able to make an informed choice?
Given the Judges decision is a highly unusual one – what do you need to know?
Lets imagine you question why the defense have not been allowed to present their case.
The explanation given by the Judge is that he is in charge, his word is final and he has decided on this occasion not to allow the defense to put their arguments forward. You are still expected to decide on the fate of the accused, based on the information that has been presented by the prosecution.
What will you do?
How are you likely to feel?
Will you be willing to deliver a verdict without questioning any further? If so, why? and what decision will you come to? What happens if you’re not sure?
Would you be demanding to know why the defense have not been permitted to speak and why their viewpoint hasn’t being taken into consideration? or would you accept the Judge is in charge and therefore his decision is final, just as he has said?
If you were the one in the dock, what would you be hoping the jury would do next and why?
Let’s imagine for now, that you do not like the look of the individual sitting in the dock, and based on appearances alone, you can easily imagine they are guilty of whatever crime they are accused of.
Will the appearance of the accused make it easier for you to accept the Judges decision not to allow the defense to present their case.
Might you assume the accused is probably guilty and therefore it doesn’t really matter? Or would you be outranged by the Judges decision and refuse to deliver a verdict?
Would you consider that if a one sided court hearing could be allowed to happen to one person, it could to anyone, including to you and those you care about?
What are your thoughts? I’m interested to hear your view.
We may blindly accept what we are told by those we trust, respect, admire, love, look up to, believe in – even when it doesn’t make any sense.
We may blindly accept what we are told by those we assume know better than we do or who make us feel like we have no other option.
We always have a choice, even if we struggle to see it.
It can be really difficult to question others even when we know we should. We can feel obligated, making it easier to just accept what we are being told. We can feel silly, especially if everyone else around us appears to be going along without question. We may feel the need to conform, just to go with flow, fall inline, rather than speaking up, incase others judge us as awkward, difficult or troublesome. There are lots of reasons why we find it easier to follow others, rather than be seen to be making waves.
It’s often easier to feel protective of others, and stand up for their rights, than it is when it comes to standing up and protecting our own.
When it comes to making life changing decisions, it’s important that each of us take the time and effort to gather as much information as we possibly can.
YOU and YOU alone are responsible for the outcome. Regardless of whether someone else has suggested or advised, You are the one who must forever live with the consequences of any decisions that you make.
Let’s imagine in our scenario above, you are unhappy with the idea of making a decision without hearing the defense, but you don’t know what to do about it so you wait to see what the other jurors do. One of the other jurors who is more vocal than the rest, has decided the accused is likely to be guilty, and that is probably why the Judge has made the decision not to allow the defense to speak. The one juror suggests to everyone that this is likely to be the case and convinces the rest of the jury.
Let’s imagine, as a result, despite protesting their innocence, the accused is found guilty and sentenced accordingly.
Let’s imagine, you are later informed that the accused had an water tight alibi and could not possibly be responsible for the crime they were accused of.
How would you feel? Would you feel responsible? or would you blame the Judge?
“Curiosity has it’s own reason for existing, never stop questioning”– Albert Einstein.
Ask questions. Question everything. Don’t take someone else’s word for it, find out for yourself. Be sure of yourself. Don’t discriminate, only listening to information that fits your argument or story. Actively listen to all the information that’s available to you – even if you don’t necessarily agree, listen anyway – you have nothing to lose by listening. Judge for yourself. Disregard the things that feel wrong to you – how you feel is very important.
Remember, it’s impossible to make informed choices, based on what you do not know!
STAND a toolkit for prevention
STOP – Slow the process down, give yourself some time!
THINK – What do you think, Is this my choice, Pay attention to how you think and feel? What is your gut telling you?
ACT – Consider your response – “I need time to think about this” or “I want to consult with……..? (insert as appropriate)
NEVER – Never allow yourself to be pressured or pushed into something against your will. YOU HAVE RIGHTS PROTECTED IN LAW
DOUBT – Do not Doubt or question yourself. Often stepping back and doing nothing is the best decision in this situation. Don’t over-ride yourself, don’t allow others to over-ride your choices and don’t just follow others blindly.
STAND a toolkit for prevention of Grooming Behaviours, CPD Certified, online instructors course.
Become an Instructor Today!