Deborah J Crozier

True story! About 25 years ago, a close friend was really excited to tell me all about the new love interest in their life. The friend had not been very lucky in love up to this point, and so it was wonderful to see her so radiant and happy.

Keen to learn more, I asked how they’d met and she was eager to tell the tale.

She explained how she had recently moved into the flat next door to this guy and for a few weeks they had simply exchanged pleasantries. Secretly, She liked the look of him, she found him quite attractive, but she wasn’t sure whether he was in a relationship or not, so smiles and hello’s was all it was.

Then one evening, unexpectedly he knocked on her door and asked the curious question “Can I borrow your leg?” 

She admits to being thrown by the strange request, but he smiled and went on to explain. He wasn’t sure if the lights on his car were working properly, or if indeed at all and so he was asking my friend if she would sit in his car and press the pedals while he walked around and checked all the lights to check if they were working . She didn’t drive, which he said wouldn’t matter, and so, “Yes, Of-course!” She was keen to help. She sat in the car pressing pedals and flipping switches on and off as directed,  while the new love interest walked around the car.
Every so often he would open the door, checking various fuses, and chatting to my friend.
He asked if she was married, what did she do for a living, the usual, and my friend was happy to tell.  After about half an hour of this he thanked her for her help, and asked if he could maybe take her out for a meal at the weekend by way of a thank you, to which my friend, who thought this guy was hot, eagerly accepted.

On the evening of their date, he drove them to a fancy restaurant, where they enjoyed a delicious meal, a few drinks and completely hit it off.  According to my friend he was perfect, an absolute gent and a real romantic, everything she had been hoping for.

During the evening while they were chatting, the guy confessed that he had removed the fuses in the car to give him an excuse to knock on her door and ask for her help, it was his way of creating an opportunity to speak to her. My friend saw nothing wrong in his confession, describing it as ‘ just a little white lie’, and describing it as ‘a romantic thing to do’.

When I asked what was wrong with just asking her out directly, rather than creating this pretend situation, my friend dismissed it out of hand – I am sure many people might do the same. “It means nothing” or “he’s shy”! & “He was being romantic”!

Not shy enough to worry about knocking on her door and wasting her time doing something that didn’t need doing, but too shy to ask a question what he eventually asked her anyway! Not romantic enough to be entirely honest in his approach!

My friend was surprised and hurt when she eventually realized, unfortunately not before they were married, that her husband told lies. Lots of lies. He was deceitful and underhand telling lies for no apparent reason, causing doubt and mistrust in their relationship, which made my friend nervous, anxious and incredibly miserable. The marriage ended in divorce.

What she had considered to be ‘a little white lie’ and ‘a romantic thing to do’, in reality – A lie and a deceitful thing to do.

She’d missed it. She was so keen not to see anything negative because negative didn’t fit with her plans. Even when it was highlighted, she dismissed the negative as being nothing important,  and then repackaged as being something positive ‘a romantic thing to do’.

When we are prepared to make excuses for behaviours, re-writing and applying meanings that better fit the narrative, we probably shouldn’t be surprise later down the line when those same behaviours cause us pain.

Copyright© 2021. Deborah J Crozier.

The right of Deborah J Crozier to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All Rights Reserved.

No part of this works may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written consent of the Copyright owner.

I give numerous examples of coercive behaviours and what those behaviours can look like in my training; STAND a toolkit for the prevention of Grooming Behaviours, explaining how and why these behaviours are so often, easily missed. Grooming Behaviours; because I offer examples of manipulative, coercive and exploitative behaviours often overlooked because they are considered typical, everyday occurrences or they are hidden in plain sight. STAND being the prevention part of the training and is an acronym for Stop, Think, Act, Never Doubt.

Some of the examples given are quite obviously manipulative, while other examples are far more subtle, covert behaviours that even experienced professionals often fail to spot. It is imperative we understand these behaviours if we want to prevent them and teach others how to protect themselves.

During a pilot of STAND, I delivered presentations to numerous groups and organizations in England & Scotland , the feedback, always positive and yet the training, which is aimed at awareness and prevention, is not being offered  by any of them. One group, a local authority sub-committee, consisting of a group of 6 professional representatives including; Police, Social Services, NHS, Local Authority and Social Housing, all involved with the safeguarding of adults in one way or another.  After delivering an example of covert coercive behaviour, I asked the group,  “What do you think? Is this Coercive or is it simply business as usual?”.

As is often the case, the question was met with silent contemplation while the members of the group considered their response. Two of them considered it an example of manipulative or coercive behaviour, while the others weren’t entirely sure whether it was or not.  Those who weren’t sure, admitted they had never thought of the typical behaviour being presented to them,  in this way before, and said they found the insight quite alarming, which is excellent, because that’s the whole point of it, I find it quite alarming myself which is why I am driven to raise awareness of it and understand how we can prevent it. Having discussed the reasons why the example was considered coercive by some of the group, myself included, the whole group concluded it was indeed coercive behaviour.

Following the sub-committee presentation, the feedback received was again, entirely positive, which is always the case. As a result, I handed out the evaluation forms but rather than asking for feedback there and then, I requested the forms be emailed to me a week or so later, giving the group time to reflect on the information I’d provided. STAND is all about allowing people time to stop and think so they can reflect on the information and reach an informed decision.

The point of delivering these pilot presentations, for organizations to decide whether to offer the training to the public, with the intention of raising awareness of coercive and manipulative behaviours while providing a toolkit intended to protect and prevent peoples choices from being over-ridden. Sadly, not everyone believes they have a voice, not everyone is heard. Not everyone is confident enough to stand their ground even if they want to. We spend an incredible amount of time and effort paying lip-service to the ideas that everyone is equal, everyone has a right to be heard, everyone’s opinion is valid, everyone has the right to choose – ideas that are widely accepted and seldomly applied.

There are 6 questions on the evaluation form, the fifth question being, would you recommend the training for prevention?

Of the 6 people who attended, all 6 answered Yes to all but one of the questions.

Five of the group answered yes to every question with one of them answering both Yes and Don’t know to question 5.

One of the group answered Don’t Know to question 5.

All 6 answered Yes to question 6: Can you see how the training contributes to prevention of CSA?

If it is accepted that educating people potentially prevents them from falling victim to coercive or manipulative behaviours, thus saving them from having their choices over-ridden and having to suffer the consequences of someone else’s decisions, why is there uncertainty about recommending it? You either believe in it or you don’t. Is the fear of alarming people greater than the problem of people being manipulated, exploited, groomed, abused?

Although the answer regarding the uncertainty remains unanswered, I can only assume it is based in fear. Concerns that some people may be alarmed or may respond negatively if they are made aware of covert techniques and practices designed to influence decisions. My belief is that everyone should be made aware so they can identify for themselves, if their decisions are being influenced, empowering people to exercise their right to choose for themselves.

Using fictitious characters to explain, I gave another more obvious example that I refer to in the training as Buyers Remorse, as explained below.

A Manipulator having had access to a Targets social media page, looks for information that they can use to their advantage, attempting to influence the Targets decision, by manipulating their thoughts and feelings. In the example given, the Target is said to be a huge Corrie Fan. For any reader who is unfamiliar with Corrie, (short for Coronation Street), it is the UKs longest running, and most watched TV soap, attracting an estimated 8 million regular viewers. From the Targets social media posts and interactions with friends, (nothing out of the ordinary) the manipulator is able to confidently deduce that the Target is a huge fan of the soap, observing they have a particular favourite character.

During what I refer to in the training as the process of Invisible Seduction, made up of many elements, the manipulator casually throws into the conversation a question relating to the Targets favourite soap;

 “I’ve been so busy the last few weeks  –  I’ve even had a few celebrities’ in ………………I don’t suppose you’re a Corrie fan are you? 

Seriously?  are you really? – how cool is that! 

You’ll never guess who was sitting in that very chair this time last week! (Insert name of Targets favourite celebrity here), That’s right!

 Actually, now I come to think of it – she (Targets favourite celebrity),  chose the exact same colour that I pointed out to you earlier. How spooky is that? 

I bet you’ll be sharing that with your friends on social media later; Telling them all about how you and (name of Targets favourite celeb) both buy your (product) from the very same person – they’ll be super jealous for sure!” 

 

In the example given, the manipulators celebrity story is said to be untrue. However, regardless of whether the manipulators story is true or not,  this is an example of coercive behaviour for a number of reasons.

Firstly, the Target is not privy to all the information. They are completely unaware that the manipulator has been observing their social media posts and is pre-armed with information about their viewing habits and interests. The manipulator deliberately withholds this information from the Target who is led to believe the story about the Corrie Celebrity is purely coincidental when in reality it was pre-planned.

The ONLY reason the Manipulator is telling the Target this story about their alleged encounter with a celebrity, is to try to influence the Target’s decision making, knowing they may be impressed by this celebrity, the manipulator uses the celebrity, to appeal to the Targets ego. This is very much about intention.

The information is dropped casually into the conversation, with the intention of convincing the Target that the manipulator has recalled the event there and then in the moment, which is untrue.

To the untrained eye the conversation appears to be just that, a pleasant and interesting conversation over a cup of coffee; potentially appealing to someone who is a huge fan of the celebrity, the coercive behaviour going completely undetected by the easily impressed Target.

In the example given, the Target, having had time to reflect,  comes to suspect they may have been coerced in some way, having committed to something they cannot afford and that they otherwise would not have committed to. Impossible to prove, and immediately pigeonholed by the manipulator as buyers remorse, who points out to the Target, they are an adult, they had a choice, thus making the Target responsible or at least complicit in the transaction.

Subliminal advertising has been illegal in the UK, America, and Australia since 1958, but has it really ever gone away?

Celebrities have endorsed products through marketing for many years. From Doris Day, Liz Taylor & John Wayne to David Beckham, George Clooney and Keira Knightly.  Mark Twain is reported to have co-branded pens as far back in the early 1900s. Currently, popular celebrities are used on social media, aiming to influence peoples decisions in a much more subtle way.

To give a topical example, I recently followed a Facebook page called David Attenborough Fans. Like many people, I respect and admire Sir David immensely.  I’ve liked and shared several posts depicting interesting and curious snaps of nature uncovered by the exceptionally talented broadcaster. I’ve noted however, that twice this week, posts showing a photo of Sir David carry the tagline, ‘David Attenborough has received his Covid Vaccine today,  slotted in between the other posts depicting scenes of nature. Is this tagline, which I consider to be none of my business. Is it there because it may be of interest to the fan group to know Sir David is one of millions currently being vaccinated or is there as a subtle attempt to influence decisions regarding an experimental vaccine? Are we being quietly persuaded to follow suit and do the same as someone we respect and admire,  in much the same way as the Target was being covertly persuaded in the previous example given? What is the intention behind it? Are other celebrity photo’s carrying this same tagline? if so,  why? Are the posts  intended to calm fears by suggesting this person has had it so its safe for you to have it too. Is this what usually happens when Sir David gets a flu jab let’s say? Is there an update on Facebook letting fans know or is such information normally considered confidential? Whatever the reason, such decisions should not be interfered with in anyway, We are individuals, we each have our own views, beliefs and opinions.  Decisions, whether they concern our health and wellbeing,  the products we buy, the programmes we watch or the food that we eat,  must be left to the individual to decide for themselves without  push or persuasion, true for all situations. As individuals we are each responsible for the decisions we make. We must each live with the consequences of our decisions, and therefore we must each be allowed to reach decisions freely, without covert interference from those who stand to gain.

I’m interested to hear your views on this if you are willing to share.

As human beings we are all equal. Regardless of financial status, job title, background or the stories people tell themselves about how important they imagine they are – we are all equal as human-beings.

As such, every single one of us, regardless of age, have the right to choose freely. Our human rights are protected by the Human Rights Act 1998.

Deliberately withholding information, deliberately employing techniques that are designed to influence a persons thoughts and feelings, with the intention of achieving results that benefit the manipulator, whether the manipulator happens to be an individual, a company, organization or a government, is an infringement of a persons basic human rights.

Choice, free will – this is extremely important, please ensure you exercise your right to choose freely.

You can find more information about the training,  STAND a toolkit for the prevention of Grooming Behaviours, a CPD certified instructor course, by following the link below.

https://apositivestart.org.uk/s-t-a-n-d-for-prevention/

Copyright© 2021. Deborah J Crozier.

The right of Deborah J Crozier to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All Rights Reserved.

No part of this works may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written consent of the Copyright owner.

Falling for a Narcissist: A Victim Perspective (Pt. 1)

Introduction

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? (NPD)

NPD is a mental health condition that usually develops in adolescence or early adulthood and is characterized by;

• Persistent Grandiosity
• A superior sense of self/Inflated sense of self-importance/ arrogant
• Abuse of Power & Control/ Impersonally exploitative behaviour
• A need for Excessive admiration and praise
• A fragile self-esteem
• Lack of empathy/ An inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs of others
• Sense of Entitlement/Pretentious and boastful
• A belief that they are special & unique
• Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, Ideal love
• Arrogant & Demanding
• Reacts negatively/Aggressively to criticism
• Encounter difficulties in relationships
• Accept no responsibility for their actions

What are the causes of NPD?

While the causes of NPD are not well known, and the area requires further study, many cases are believed to be due to:

• Childhood abuse/neglect
• Unpredictable or unreliable caregiving by parents
• Unrealistic expectations from parents
• Excessive parental control
• Excessive praise for good behaviours in childhood
• Excessive criticism for bad behaviours in childhood
• Cultural influences
• Heritability

How is NPD diagnosed?

In order to qualify as symptomatic of NPD, the individuals manifested personality traits must substantially differ from the cultural norms of society. Identifying the distinctive traits of narcissism is a core element in the diagnostic process. A mental health professional must first rule out all other potential causes for symptoms (other personality disorders, accident/brain injuries, etc.

NPD is rarely the primary reason for someone seeking treatment, due to the nature of the illness, narcissists do not accept that the problems with their behaviour or the difficulties that they encounter in life, is of their own doing. Diagnosis is usually prompted by other difficulties, for example; finding themselves on the wrong side of the law due to being abusive in a relationship, losing their temper or because of substance misuse, etc.

Treatment of NPD

Counselling and psychotherapy, CBT, and transference-focused therapy are often used to treat NPD. There are mixed findings on how successful these treatments are, further study is required. It is reported, however, that psychotherapy for treating NPD has a high drop out rate. Psychiatric medications are not considered effective in treating NPD but may be given to treat co-existing symptoms, such as anxiety or depression.

What signs should I be looking for if I think I am in a relationship with a narcissist?

The biggest sign has to be; Why you are asking this question?

What is motivating you to look for answers?

What emotions are you experiencing and, if you pay attention to these emotions, what are they telling you?

Do you mostly feel good, do you mostly feel bad or are you experiencing confusion.

Healthy relationships don’t tend to move people to ask these questions in the first place, so it is worth asking yourself – “what is happening that has made me question this relationship?” “Am I truly happy with how I feel”? Be honest, given the choice, is this the relationship you would choose? Because whether you know it or now, you do have a choice!

Phase 1. Idealization

If you are in a romantic relationship, initially, it is unlikely there will be any signs – on the contrary, you will have been led to believe you have found the perfect match.

You will feel loved, respected, idolized even.  Your charming, attentive partner appears to be equally besotted with you as you are with them. Everything appears to be wonderful, you feel great – sexy, loved up, like the most important person in their lives!  For all intents and purposes, you appear to have met ‘the one’, your soul-mate – and your new romantic partner will endeavour to reinforce these beliefs, telling you how special you are and how long they have waited to meet someone like you.

Phase 2. Devaluation

Something feels wrong! You may be asking yourself, “What did I do wrong”! As your loving, attentive partner suddenly appears distant and uninterested. You may begin to wonder if there is someone else on the scene – a former partner perhaps. Even if you dare to ask, the narcissistic partner is unlikely to put your mind at ease. Instead, they revel in your misery. And so begins the push-pull of phase 2.

Phase 3. Discard

Easily bored, the narcissist moves on to their next supply as quickly as they arrived – often leaving the victim baffled and confused.

(Falling for a narcissist continues in part 2)

If you have experienced Narcissist abuse and you seeking support, please get in touch.

If you are interested in supporting others and raising awareness of behaviours that lead to Manipulation, Exploitation, Abuse and Coercive Control, check out my CPD certified online training course;

STAND, a toolkit for the prevention of Grooming Behaviours.

Falling for a Narcissist: A Victim Perspective (Pt 4)

Recap

Having found their ideal partner in phase 1- the (Idealization) phase, only to be dropped from a great height in phase 2 – the (Devaluation) phase, the victim is usually devastated and exhausted by the time the narcissist is ready to move into phase 3 – (Discarding) phase.

While the empathetic victim has bonded with the narcissistic partner, no such bonding has taken place for the narcissist, which may explain why they find moving on quickly, comes so easily to them. While the victim may be wondering why the narcissist became involved in the first place, and whether they ever felt affection towards them at all, the answer is simply No. This entire debacle was nothing more than a game to the narcissist, who feels no love or empathy whatsoever. The closest the narcissist will ever come to love is in phase one – the Idealization phase, which happens over and over again with every victim the narcissist encounters. It isn’t the victim themselves that the narcissist is captivated by, it is the process – they are euphoric in phase one – draining the positive emotions and esteem from their victims, feeding off the victim’s positive energy supply, while the narcissist themselves are devoid of feeling.

While some narcissists are known to leave the relationship as quickly as they entered into it, without so much as a second thought; others, as was the case in my experience, don’t make it that easy. It isn’t enough for them to just walk away from the wreckage once they have taken whatever they wanted. They will often go to great lengths to cause the victim further damage. Narcissists do not take any responsibility for their own actions; someone else is always to blame for the problems they encounter, including the problems they create for themselves. In phase-3, it is the victim who the narcissist has decided is at fault. The narcissist is often full of anger and hatred. Phase 3 can be particularly devastating for the victim if the relationship has had a family, as the narcissist will use anything they can, including children as leverage, to cause as much pain and drama for the victim as possible.

The narcissist is an expert manipulator who will use the victim’s own disclosures against them. Disclosures which may have been offered by the victim during the 6 Stage process in phase 1, (Building Rapport & Qualification) has been strategically banked ready to use at a later point; and that point is now; phase 3 – where nothing is sacred. While the narcissist may have shared some of their own, sometimes untrue, sometimes embellished secrets during the idealization stage; they are banking on the victim’s integrity – and fully intend using it against them. Where the victim has boundaries and limitations about sharing information disclosed to them by the narcissist; and are naturally cautious about what things they are prepared to use in a fight, the spiteful narcissist has no such boundaries and will stop at absolutely nothing to discredit the victim.

The narcissist will use anything and everything as leverage – effectively holding the victim to ransom; using twisting truths and blackening the victim’s name. The victim is likely to feel exasperated by this. They may have shared some intimate secrets to their apparent soul mate in phase 1, only to have those secrets used against them by the devil in phase 3. The paradox being; the victim doesn’t feel able to fully deny the accusations being leveled against them by the narcissist, knowing there is an element of truth in what is being said about them, so they flap around trying to explain the explainable – looking increasing guilty; while the cool, calm crafty chameleon, scratches another point into his/her chalkboard.

Where most people couldn’t be bothered to drag up negative information about a former partner, preferring instead to put the experience behind them and simply move on; the narcissist gets a thrill out of finding whatever they can to discredit and humiliate their victims. There is no time limit to how long this will continue; either until the narcissist has completely destroyed the victim’s reputation or until another victim takes the narcissist’s attention away from them, by engaging the narcissist in the process in phase 1. Wherever possible, the victim should sever all ties with the narcissist as soon as they can. The narcissist is desperate to control the situation and will continue to email, text, call, and stalk the victim for as long as they can get away with it. My advice to a victim would always be; protect yourself; do not engage and do not respond. Seek support and advice.

In one encounter, 6 months after the relationship had ended, having severed all ties; the hounding had all but ceased. I was contacted by another victim who had fallen foul of the same abuser and who having happened across my details amongst some paperwork, contacted me, desperately seeking answers. At the time she was experiencing the back end of phase 2, our mutual abuser was already in the process of taking another victim through phase 1.

We were able to identify more victims, all remarkably similar in appearance, all given the exact same ‘pet name’ in phase 1, and all devastated and struggling to understand having shared a similar experience. There is no doubt in my mind that there were more victims that we didn’t learn about, and there will undoubtedly continue to be more victims at the hands of this abuser. 

In order to break the cycle, we must first understand the process used to lure victims as explained in part 1.

‘It is no coincidence that narcissists and victims find each other’ – narcissists are actively seeking people to target! It is always for the narcissist’s personal gain. If you can recognize the process; learn how to respond to it, you can learn how to avoid it.

Victims often believe they were targeted because of something about them. One victim assumed they were targeted because they had shared photos of themselves in a bikini. If the narcissist is looking to relieve someone of their money, then they will look to target someone with money, regardless of what they look like – it’s not so much about the victim, the victim could be anyone that fits the narcissist’s desired profile – it’s very much about the narcissist and what they want from the victim. For example; if a narcissist has an interest in children – they will look to target a parent with a child, as explained in my S.T.A.N.D a toolkit for prevention training, which is now available online Here.

Narcissists target people who can provide whatever it is they need, and they know upfront exactly who they can and cannot target.

This week is ‘Mental Health awareness week; thankfully we are getting much better about talking about mental health and mental wellness. We are more open about mental health now than at any time previously, which is fantastic. Now we need to improve on that by spending an equal amount of time raising awareness about the impact of trauma; how it is experienced in the body and how it affects the mind. We need to discuss more openly, how victims deal with the effects of trauma, what trauma looks like in the aftermath of abuse, and how it impacts a victim’s life moving forward.

Hurt people – hurt people!

How we feel about anything is everything!

Our emotions act as an indicator; an internal navigation system, that warns us about impending danger and keeps us safe. On the whole, society still takes a negative view of emotions, discouraging people from expressing how they feel. People are still seen as ‘weak’ and told to “pull themselves together, “not to wear their hearts on their sleeves’, “stop overreacting” “Don’t bring your problems into work, leave them at home” ‘Don’t get emotionally involved’ – ‘don’t let your heart rule your head’, the list of how we discourage people from listening to their emotions is endless.

However, If people were encouraged and supported to better understand and deal with the negative emotions that pain them, fewer people would feel the need to mask their pain with food, medication, alcohol, drugs, or self-harm.

If you have experienced Narcissist abuse and would like support, please get in touch. 

If you are interested in supporting others and raising awareness of behaviours that lead to Manipulation, Exploitation, Abuse and Coercive Control, check out my CPD certified online training course;

STAND, a toolkit for the prevention of Grooming Behaviours.

Falling for a Narcissist: A Victim Perspective (Pt. 3)

In Part 1 of this 5 part blog, we focused on the first phase of a narcissistic relationship, known as Idealization, as experienced by the victim. By breaking phase 1 down into the 6 Stage Process, we were better able to understand how the narcissist can reel their victim in.

The victim; oblivious to what is happening throughout the entire process, doesn’t suspect a thing and is likely to describe Phase 1 as a most pleasant experience. Often believing they have found their ideal match, they may feel loved up, happy, and pampered. The abuser on the other hand, who is pulling the strings throughout, is easily bored, so it doesn’t take them very long, usually just a matter of weeks or months before moving on to phase 2; the Devaluation phase.

Without warning, in phase 2, the narcissist suddenly withdraws all interest and affection, which may leave the victim wondering what on earth they have done wrong. From the victim’s point of view, everything appears to be wonderful one minute, and terrible the next; the difference is like night and day. The victim is often understandably confused and hurt by this sudden change of attitude in their lover, and will usually attempt to appease them. The more the victim appeases, the more distant the narcissist becomes – a Pull>Push situation plays out; the more the victim tries to pull back their lover’s affections, the harder the narcissist withdraws; pushing the victim away.

During phase 1, the narcissist has been full-on, focusing all of their time and attention on the victim. Suddenly they are disengaged. At this stage they may become underhand and secretive; For example; Spending hours on their phones/computers – they may shield their activities; which suggests to the victim they have something to hide. No longer interested in spending time with the victim, the narcissist spends more and more time away, which they are unwilling to explain; they do not feel it is any of the victims business, even though they fully expect to be kept informed when the shoe is on the other foot. The victim is made to feel needy and clingy, simply for wanting to be equally informed. The narcissist is planting seeds of doubt in the victim’s mind – taking great pleasure in watching the victim agonize over whether their ‘seemingly ideal lover’ is now being intimate outside their relationship. The narcissist denies any wrongdoing, accusing the victim of controlling & jealous behaviour.

This often causes confusion for the victim, who may now feel unable to trust their partner under the circumstances. The narcissist, having deliberately planted the seeds of doubt, snubs the victim’s affections while being openly flirtatious outside the relationship. This is intended to undermine the victim’s confidence and self-esteem; the impact of negative emotions like humiliation and/or betrayal, further devaluing the victim.

Conversations that previously interested the narcissist may now be considered tedious. Jokes previously shared and enjoyed by the couple; now considered stupid; attract eye-rolls, disapproving glances, and disparaging comments. The victim; suddenly made to feel stupid and embarrassed by things that were previously acceptable and enjoyable, often becomes cautious – ‘navigating eggshells‘, so to speak – desperate not to antagonize their partner any further. There is no respect, sense of equality, or compromise with a narcissist in phase 2. This sudden shift in behaviours can be bewildering for the uninformed victim, who may still be searching for the attentive, affectionate, and kind lover that was present throughout phase 1. What the victim does not yet know, and may never know, is that the person they fell in love with does not exist and never did. It was a facade; a skilled actor, temporarily boosting their ego; feeding off the adoration and esteem of their victim, picking up the victim’s signals, mimicking, and reflecting the signals at the victim. The facade now over, the mask has dropped and the true identity of the narcissist is just being revealed. The victim may attempt to discuss the increasingly problematic situation, hoping to recover the relationship, much to the annoyance of the narcissist who couldn’t be less interested. The narcissist demeans the victim’s attempts to understand; is gas-lighting the victim, whenever they attempt to address the situation.

More often than not, throughout phase 1, the victim has openly defended the narcissist from the disapproval and criticism of close family and friends, who – having had a clearer view of the situation from the sidelines, have suspected all along that something is ‘not quite right’. Troubled and unable to understand why the people they are closest to are not happy for them and their seemingly perfect love mate, the victim may reluctantly sever all ties with those friends and family members who appear disapproving – unwittingly isolating themselves. The narcissist will point out to the victim, how the victim is blaming them for their loss of support, when in fact the victim themselves severed the ties – another twisted truth expertly delivered by the narcissist, who controls the game, creates the situations, and accurately predicts the outcomes.

The victim has been completely convinced that their loved ones have got it wrong, and fully intend proving it. The narcissist knows this, and exploits the situation, reinforcing this belief throughout phase 1, convincing the victim that the critics have their own agenda for not wanting to see the couple happy. As a result, the victim often finds themselves alone; isolated in this unfamiliar and distressing setting, too ashamed to call on former supporters for help. Embarrassed and keen to avoid the ‘I told you so’s; the victim is left feeling stupid because they have gotten things so wrong when it appeared to be obvious to ’everyone’ else.

We are aware that it wasn’t obvious to everyone else, on the contrary, most people buy into the narcissist’s image of an upstanding, decent person, and many more by-standers find it impossible to believe it of them – Jimmy Savile being a prime example.

It was only obvious to the select few – the victim’s family and friends, who had front row seats to the victim’s downfall but, who due to the nature of the game – were powerless to do anything about it. If the victim has previously encountered difficulties in their relationships, this further reinforces the belief that the victim is to blame.

Even when the victim is struggling with the negative emotions brought on by the narcissists change of demeanor and continuous devaluation, the victim genuinely believes that their lover still exists, and the current situation is but a temporary glitch which can be rectified if only they ‘the victim‘, try that bit harder. The victim is convinced that happiness will return, they just need to be stronger, more tolerant, less needy, less selfish, less….the list goes on. The victim is convinced that if they learn to understand and work with their partner, the situation will improve and the original adoring lover will return. What the victim fails to realize is the problem is not with them – but is a reflection of the narcissist. Any changes of behaviour made by the victim – cannot and will never alter the responses in the narcissist! That’s like consuming alcohol and expecting the other person to get drunk; it simply doesn’t work that way. The only person who can change their behaviour is the person themselves.

Having been privy to the narcissist’s game plan, unlike the victim, we are aware that the victim is on a hiding to nothing, as the cruel narcissist takes great pleasure in watching the victim slowly fall apart. As confusion and emotional disturbance continue for the victim, caused by the narcissists relentless manipulating and devaluing; the victim is doing everything they can to stay afloat. People who are unfamiliar with the victim, assume it is the victim who has the issues; controlling, jealous, nagging, paranoid… – the victim is unable to disprove any of this, as in this current situation, this is exactly how it appears to the outside world, the victim is acutely aware of this. The narcissist takes every opportunity to reinforce this image of the victim. The victim recognizes that for all intents and purposes, they appear to be going crazy, but unable to understand why and not knowing what to do about it, the victim soldiers on.

The narcissist is a skilled performer and puppeteer, managing to convince the majority of the people they come into contact with; including some law enforcement and other professionals tasked with supporting victims – that they are a decent, respectable person, innocent of any wrongdoing. Few people, other than the victims nearest and dearest are likely to suspect the narcissist of being responsible. Having witnessed the victim’s changes in health and behaviour since the relationship began; changes that the victim themselves are unaware of, they realize something is wrong, but are powerless to intervene as the victim does not want them to. A Pull>Push situation starts to play out between the victim’s wannabe protectors, and the victim themselves, who is unable to understand the problem. This is confusing for all concerned; relationships are often damaged and friendships lost, as a direct result of these polarized views.

People unrelated to the victim, who have only ever witnessed the narcissistic persona as described in phase 1, do not suspect the narcissist is play-acting because they have had no reason to. As explained in part 1. – we tend to see with our eyes and believe what we see! Seeing the narcissist as they present in phase 1, prevents us from looking any deeper. This admiration for the narcissist from outsiders further supports the victim’s unfounded beliefs, that both they and the narcissists naive following are more enlightened than the family of critics; an entirely incorrect notion, but this is how it appears!

By now the narcissist is indifferent to the feelings of the victim, which the victim often finds difficult to process. Where the narcissist previously appeared kind and tolerant, their actions often become aggressive and cruel; kicking the dog; for example, shouting at children, being rude and aggressive to shop assistants or restaurant staff, disrespectful to the victims family and friends, etc., becoming outraged over what may appear to the victim to be trivial, as the narcissist blows everything out of proportion.

This kind of aggressive and abusive behavior from the narcissist appears to be out of character to the confused victim, who would have thought it highly unlikely just a few weeks ago. This Jekyll & Hyde type ’switcheroo‘ often causes alarm, concern, and fear in the victim. Not all narcissistic relationships are violent; both physical and emotional abuse is extremely painful for the victim. For those that do become violent; the violent behaviour presents in phase 2, which tends to escalate over time.

The victim, struggling with the negative emotions brought on by the narcissist’s change of demeanor and continuous devaluation.  Genuinely believes that their lover still exists.  Convinced that the current situation is but a temporary glitch which will be rectified if only they will try harder. The victim believes that happiness will return, they just need to be stronger and learn to understand and work with their partner better. If the narcissist has become violent towards the victim, the narcissist will initially cry, sob, and act as if they are truly sorry.  However, at the same time, the narcissist will be giving excuses and using unapologetic language; “Why did YOU make ME do that; You shouldn’t have Said, Done, X, Y, or Z.

The violent narcissist, having completely shocked and humiliated the victim, now makes the victim responsible for their violent behaviour – further devaluing the victim.

This On – Off/ Pull – Push, twist to the now baron and joyless relationship, is particularly damaging to the victim, who is dizzy in the emotional spin. The narcissist relishes the drama and chaos, as the altercations gain intensity and the narcissist’s behaviour becomes more and more theatrical, to the point of disturbing and seemingly out of control, which the narcissist blames the victim for creating. Of course, the narcissist is always in control – this is all part of the production. Distressed and exhausted, the victim will try again and again to escape, but there is no let-up from the narcissist who will go to any lengths to keep the victim tied in.

By the time phase 3 – Discarding comes into play, the victim is often a shadow of their former selves. Confused, Anxious, and Frightened, Phase 2 has been a traumatic experience for the victim, who is now isolated from family and friends, having earned themselves a reputation of being something of an ‘Ask-Hole’ – seeking advice but not taking it because they are still clinging onto the hope that Mr/Mrs. Right that they met just weeks/months ago in phase 1, still exists.

If you have never experienced narcissistic abuse, I imagine it must seem highly ridiculous and unlikely. One person’s biased account cannot provide an accurate view. I would undoubtedly say the same if I hadn’t experienced this first hand. People who haven’t experienced it, find it almost as difficult to comprehend as those who have. This may go some way to explaining why victims struggle to obtain any kind of justice. Victims appear hysterical, where narcissists – having controlled and manipulated from the outset, appear, cool calm, collected, and are often highly respected and professional individuals, who have manipulated those around them, having taken them through their 6 stage process.

I’ve often heard it said; – “If things were really that bad, why did you stay? – you always have the option to leave”!

There highlights a lack of understanding surrounding trauma and abuse among professionals and potentially further damages the victim who after experiencing trauma, is now judged, labeled, and humiliated by professionals who should know better! Potentially leaving the victim feeling further traumatized, vulnerable, and voiceless…

If you have found this post because you are experiencing narcissistic abuse and need support – You have found a safe space. Get In Touch

It is important to remember, this is #NotYourFault

Falling for a Narcissist: A Victims Perspective (Part 2)

A relationship with a Narcissist can be a devastating and mind-boggling affair, that can take many years to process and can prove incredibly damaging for the victim. This sinister ‘Switcher-Roo‘ of relationships, where nothing is quite as it seems, delivers an emotional roller coaster of highs and lows followed by, confusion, fire-fighting and devastation. Adversely affecting the victim’s health & mental well-being. The experience can leave the victim ‘triggered’ and in anguish in the aftermath of trauma, struggling to comprehend what has happened to them, sometimes for many years to come.

Victims may find themselves falling into the same pattern of unhealthy relationships time and time again. Unaware of what has happened to them the first time around, and that they are in fact a victim. A repeat performance further reinforces the

belief that the first narcissist they encountered must have been correct; there is something very wrong with them (the victim), and they are entirely to blame for the string of broken relationships, leaving the victim feeling ashamed and broken, and making them less likely to seek support. In reality, this is not the case.

The victim enters into a relationship>The relationship is wonderful> The relationship is terrible> The relationship is abusive=

What am I doing wrong? what is wrong with me?

In this first blog on the subject; I aim to provide some insight into what I have learned about Narcissistic relationships over the last 45 years, written from a victim view point; both as a survivor and as a professional, supporting other victims. I share glimpses into my own experience of the long and often tedious journey to recovery; and how understanding the trauma, assists in breaking the cycle. Hurt People – Hurt People, as the saying goes, so it’s important we as a society, fully understand both the effects of trauma and the process that delivered it, to ensure we recognize the impact that as survivors, we may have on others, to ensure we do not unknowingly or unconsciously continue the cycle of abuse. One of the ways the brain processes information, is by drawing on previously experience – filling in the blanks with the most likely outcome – which may explain why victims of domestic violence, duck when someone makes a sudden move, even years after leaving the violent situation.

It is important to acknowledge that when you are the person experiencing narcissistic abuse, you have no clue what is actually happening to you. I likened the experience to the cartoon character ‘Tasmanian Devil’, spinning rough-shod through my emotions, leaving me dazed and dizzy; struggling to find my bearings, as I attempted to re-navigate – re-navigate – re-navigate! – but to no avail. Unbeknownst to the victim, the narcissist, having identified their mark targets their victim. Often taking the time, to watch and learn about their victim before approaching them and taking them through a cleverly disguised, manipulative process, that remains invisible to the victim throughout.

In my experience, the abuser appeared to pop-up out of nowhere, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth. In the aftermath of the relationship, I discovered, my emails had been redirected to my abuser’s account, which unknown to me, he had achieved at our very first meeting. Although this came as an alarming violation – the discovery helped me to understand so much more about what had been going on. Like how he was always able to find me, even when I had taken myself off quietly to a remote village in Ireland, desperate for a break and to give me some space to think – he showed up unannounced the very next day, causing further panic and confusion. It explained how he was always able to anticipate my mental state; how he knew who I was turning to for advice and support, and why he always managed to discredit the very people that were trying to support me. It also became clearer, why one of my closest allies, who despised him and questioned his motives, was sent expensive, unwanted gifts, even though they were the ones suggesting I should end the relationship.

The narcissist is in complete control throughout. Even after the relationship has ended, many victims never truly understand what has happened to them, which makes falling for it again even more likely. During this process, the victim may feel as though they are losing control, but are unable to ascertain why. They may ‘sense’ something is wrong, but since they have no solid proof, they struggle to put their finger on what is wrong or why.

Over-riding their instincts and chastising themselves, for what appears to be foolish and petty emotions that keep resurfacing and overwhelming them. The narcissist, fully aware of this will deny any wrongdoing, acting surprised and offended at the mere suggestion; completely turning the tables on the victim, pointing out flaws, offering twisted truths; ‘It’s you, not me, – you are projecting your own negative emotions onto me because of your previous abusive relationships” This worries the victim, who struggles to deny it might be their fault after all. On-lookers in the form of the victim’s friends and family members may attempt to point out sudden changes of behaviour in the victim, even suggesting the new love interest is the cause – they are seeing a very different picture of the situation than the victim can see. The narcissist is used to this kind of objection from the victims nearest and dearest and is prepared for it; it is all part and parcel of their existence.

Anticipating the criticism, the narcissist intercepts; able to provide perfectly plausible explanations to the victim, who is becoming increasingly confused. The narcissist will either try to win the critics approval by befriending them and taking them through the process or, if approval is unlikely, they will isolate their victim, shattering bonds and friendships that may have existed for years. The narcissist is an accomplished actor, reveling in his performance. The victim trusts and confides in the Narcissist, who will now use the sensitive information gathered to further undermine the victims confidence, silently chipping away at the victims core, leaving them questioning themselves; Gas-lighting is the term used to describe this kind of manipulative behaviour.

Befuddled and feeling like they are losing their minds, rather than seeking support; the victim, having been led to believe that they are the problem, will often do everything in their power to appear ‘normal’, to everyone around them, as not to draw attention to their apparent loss of grip on reality. They will soldier on, trying their best to cope with the overwhelming emotional disturbance. They keep working and going about their daily business trying to hold it together while all the time concealing feelings of confusion, shame and anguish, that is slowly driving them to despair. They may feel as though they are clinging onto their sanity by the skin of their teeth, which may be one of the reasons why few victims of narcissistic abuse are willing to seek help early on; they believe they are the problem, that their judgment is impaired and understandably they fear for their jobs and reputation. The narcissist, who is completely in control, will further damage the victim’s confidence by highlighting the victims’ flaws and mistakes.

Narcissistic relationships come in many different forms; parent/child, romantic partners, adult/child, employer/employee etc. however this post relates, for the most part to narcissists as romantic partners, although the process remains the same. Having been betrayed by the very people who either Present as caring or who society has taught us should be caring, i.e; parent, partner, authority figure or other; the victim is left stranded alone on an island in their own mind. Trust becomes a serious issue when you sense danger, but don’t know who you can trust; the barriers go up, the victim trusts no one, paranoia kicks in, as the victim grapples for a sense of safety and control. All the while, their narcissistic love interest is suggesting to the victim – “it’s you; you are nagging/controlling/ jealous/paranoid etc.. The victim, recognising these negative feelings in themselves, cannot deny what appears to be true. They are unaware that it is the narcissist who is making them feel paranoid, jealous, and as if they are losing control. In this frame of mind, the victim is unlikely to hand over what little bit of control they still have left, to someone who ‘assumes’ to know better. As individuals, we know ourselves far better than anyone else can know us, and when you are struggling to help yourself, it is difficult to accept anyone else is going to be able to help you, which is why the trauma-informed ‘person-centered’ approach underpins all of my work.

There are three phases to a narcissistic relationship; Idealization, Devaluation, and Discarding. In this post I break down phase 1, in an attempt to provide a clearer understanding of the process. Anyone who has encountered a relationship with a narcissist is likely to identify with the following experience. Please do not hesitate to get in touch if you need support.

Phase 1. Idealization

The 6 Stage Process

Having chosen their Target in phase 1; the Narcissist takes their victim through a 6 stage process. A process is a series of individual steps taken to reach the desired outcome.

Stage One: The Warm Welcome (Presenting the best self/Persona)

Narcissists present as; Attentive, charming, funny, kind, generous, likable, gentle, loving & interested. According to Dale Carnegie’s best selling book ‘How to win friends and influence people; to appear interesting you must appear interested; the victim has the narcissists undivided attention. Victim’s often felt sexually attracted to the narcissist, who presents as a flirtatious and adventurous lover. (often this is only applicable during phase 1).

Victims will often believe that they have met their ideal match; the victim and the narcissistic suitor appear to have lots in common, enjoying many of the same interests. At this stage, the victim is blissfully unaware that this is only a persona; a mask or facade, and not a true reflection of the person underneath.

The difficulty with Stage One:
Most of us have a persona, and are capable of presenting our best selves to the world whenever we need to; a first date or in a job interview for example; Few people own up to leaving their dirty socks and pants strewn about the place on a first date or leaving wet towels on the bed. It’s only natural to want to impress a potential mate, and so we share all the good stuff about ourselves; we might be a great cook or a fabulous dancer, we might even suggest we enjoy ironing (as if that could ever be true), we might even embellish our talents a little, as we attempt to impress our date. Likewise in a job interview; It is unlikely we would share information with a prospective employer that could potentially lose us the opportunity; “I tend to be late on Fridays due to getting rat-arsed on Thursdays’ or “I often got into bother with my last boss for using the photocopier & stationery cupboard to furnish my local pub quiz team!”. We don’t tend to share this kind of information, even if its true, because it’s unlikely to impress anyone. We are far more likely to sell ourselves and share all the good stuff to ensure we get the job – therefore we are all capable of presenting our best selves! Society teaches us that a persona is a good thing; stiff upper lip, keep your cards to your chest & don’t wash your dirty laundry in public!
Most professions require us to use a persona by presenting a public image. No one wants to see a police officer outside a crime scene sucking on a vape because they are feeling stressed – we wouldn’t consider that to be very professional. Likewise, we wouldn’t appreciate Maureen in customer service yelling at the awkward customer in front of us at the counter and telling them what she really thinks of them – because that’s not a professional image, even if the customer has deserved it. We expect Maureen to provide good customer service, and by good we mean – regardless of how Maureen is feeling inside, we expect her to mask those feelings effectively, smile sweetly, respond politely, swallow down the frustration and take it on the chin – We expect her to present her best self – Persona.
Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung described it like this;

“A Persona is a mask or facade presented to satisfy the demands of the situation or environment and not presenting the inner personality of the individual – The Public Image”

For the victim of a narcissist, there appears to be nothing unusual about stage one, and so the narcissist slips in undetected.

Stage Two: Build Rapport (Build Relationship and Gain Trust)

What does a Trustworthy person look like?

No one purposely enters into any kind of relationship with someone they don’t trust. We wouldn’t hand money over to someone we don’t trust, we certainly wouldn’t entrust our children to the care of someone we don’t trust and we don’t intentionally hand over our hearts to people we think are likely to break them. However, we live in a society where scams are common-place and heartache plentiful. We live in a world in which Children, People, and Finances are constantly being abused. As individuals, we convince ourselves, that ‘it couldn’t happen to me’. We congratulate ourselves on being astute; pitying those ‘other people’ who have fallen into the traps. Conclusion: there must be something wrong with the people who fall for what appears to be ‘ very obvious’ pitfalls – until we are the ones on the receiving end, of course, and no one wants to talk about embarrassing, shameful ‘mistakes’!

We all gain peoples trust by building rapport with them; by getting to know them; opening up dialogue; using words and actions. Narcissists excel at this, they focus all of their attention on the victim, having what seem to be deep and meaningful conversations, soaking up all the information they are being given; banking information which they will call on to use against the victim at a later point in the process. Actions speak louder than words, and so the narcissist may shower their victim with gifts and gestures. The victim understandably feels pampered and important, they may never have felt so special – further enforcing the idea that they have met Mr/Mrs. Right. The narcissist puts no time limit on gaining a victims trust – whatever it takes, they will persevere, continuing to present their ‘best selves, offering examples of shared experiences, until they are sure they have won their victim over. Having reeled them in and gained their trust, they move onto the next stage.

The difficulty with Stage Two; Most of us think with our eyes; we believe what we see – seeing is believing as the saying goes. We often view in 2D, seeing only what is in front of us, because we have no reason to look beyond it. What we are seeing before we are someone who ‘appears’ to have, all the attributes of what we consider to be right and good in a person we trust; kind, friendly, generous, interested, attentive, funny, charming – etc. The brain processes information by drawing on experience, filling in the blanks, resulting in the most likely outcome ‘this person appears to be trustworthy to me’. Even if, as was true in my own case, there comes a sense of ‘something feels not quite right’ – many of us have been taught not to rely on ‘feelings’; they are not admissible as evidence. We persevere, looking for concrete evidence when listening to our instincts and what our body is aiming to alert us to, would save us a whole lot of pain.
Narcissists are adept at blagging their way into positions of trust and power, making their sham all the more believable. We imagine someone other than us is responsible for checking the credentials of someone wearing a nationally recognized uniform of trust; be that Police officer, Doctor, Clergy, Teacher, Nursery care worker, or other – which means we tend to trust people who ‘look’ trustworthy upfront, without further question. We tend to judge people based on our own understanding of what we consider to be right and wrong; when presented by someone who appears to tick all the right boxes, we have no reason to doubt them – and so we trust upfront. Unbeknownst to the victim; this is nothing more that a shallow performance, designed to gain the victims trust.

Stage Three: Qualification (Identifying wants, needs, hopes & desires)

While stages one and two are still in play; still parading as the adoring, reliable love match (stage 1 & 2), the narcissist qualifies their victim by identifying their wants and needs, hopes, and desires. Their attention is focused; they listen intently, absorbing, and banking/storing the information which they will use later in the process as a hook – to keep the victim engaged. The narcissist doesn’t sit and stare at the victim, rather; they are casually engaged in conversation, just taking it all in their stride. What the victim doesn’t realize, is the narcissist is completely switched on. The narcissist is taking mental notes of any potential threats here, using the qualification technique to discover who; if anyone might stand in their way (friends, family, ex-partner, etc) so they know exactly who to focus on, avoid or isolate the victim from.

The narcissist identifies any problems the victim is experiencing, usually from the viewpoint of; ‘a lack of’, lack of confidence, lack of self-esteem, lack of money, lack of childcare, lack of transport, lack of friendship, lack of affection, and so on. The list is endless and could potentially make anyone a target, assuming the narcissist’s other criteria have been met. In my own experience, I discovered I fit perfectly into the narcissist’s criteria:

Blonde, 5″5 or under, Size 10 and under, job, house, car, and single. This criterion remains static for my abuser – all of the women he has targeted fit this profile, it is unnerving how similar they all are, and how each was given the same pet name during phase 1.

Relationships do not include emotional involvement for the narcissist; every victim is merely a replay of a tried and tested method – a means to an end; a process.

In my own situation, the ‘lack of’ was described to me as being; “desperate to find love”

Recently separated from a long term relationship and suffering from empty nest syndrome, I found myself alone for the first time in my life. The revelation that I was considered an ‘easy target because I was ‘so desperate to be loved’ – injured my soul, probably because I couldn’t deny it was true. I was lonely, I was hurting – missing my children; this made me vulnerable and easy pickings for a prowling narcissist.

‘In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity’ (Albert Einstein)

Unbeknownst to the victim, the narcissist is actively seeking to uncover the victim’s problems (pains – as they are also known). They are looking for difficulties to exploit the opportunities that they present, which they use to their full advantage as they progress to stage four.

The difficulty with Stage Three; Qualification is a simple sales technique used daily in business to determine a customer’s needs. It can be witnessed in our society every single day; on TV, in sales and marketing, in advertising, and throughout businesses to create growth opportunities, it is embedded in our culture. Used correctly for the purposes intended, it is both useful and harmless. However in the wrong hands, like Airplanes and Cars that have been used in terrorist attacks to kill and damage people, the narcissist abuses this technique,to exploit his victims. It is possible this goes unnoticed because we are saturated by it in our everyday lives and therefore no longer spot it, or recognise the danger in it.

Stage Four: Presentation – (An offer too good to refuse)

Armed with the information provided by the victim themselves, the narcissist becomes the ‘problem solver,’ the savior, ‘the solutions architect’, presenting an offer that seems too good to refuse. They will paint the proposal as being a ‘win, win’ situation, the best possible outcome for the victim, when in reality, it is always in the narcissists own best interests, narcissists don’t do anything for nothing – they always want something in return, even though they will deny it completely. If the victim is struggling financially – the narcissist will offer to loan the victim money. If the victim is struggling for transport – the narcissist will offer the use of a car. If the victim is struggling for child-care services -the narcissist is on hand to provide that support; they will offer to supply food, cigarettes, alcohol; Whatever it is the victim needs, the narcissist will offer freely and bend over backward to provide it; self-announcing how ‘selfless to a fault’ they are, and how ‘happy to do anything for anyone’. The let the victim know how their kind generosity has been taken advantage of in the past, complimenting the victim on not taking advantage of their kindness ‘like all the others did’!

Inevitably, any offer of support will be used as leverage against the victim, to humiliate and embarrass them which often extends to the victim’s families in Phase 2 & 3 of the relationship.

The difficulty with Stage Four; Who doesn’t have problems? All of us experience difficulties in our lives at one time or another and would naturally welcome some help. When someone who we falsely believe is a trusted ally is offering support and assistance, not only is it tempting, it is also the only natural to want to accept it. If the victim was aware of the process they were in, and what accepting help from a narcissist actually means for them; they would undoubtedly decline and opt to struggle, rather than what essentially amounts to ‘selling their soul to the devil’!

Stage Five: Negotiation – (Navigating problems and removing obstacles)

Stage four is quickly continued by Stage five. The victim, while tending to be empathic and sensitive, is also intelligent and proud. They are not comfortable with taking handouts, or accepting favours and are more likely to look for other solutions first, rather than accepting the offer from the newly acquired love interests seemingly ideal solution. The narcissist is not for quitting, they need to secure the deal and lock the victim in. They are keen negotiators, who would have no difficulties in selling “Sand to the Arabs”, the victim is no match for this skilled con-artist. Having cleverly targeted the victim, the narcissist knows in advance that the victim’s options are limited; it is only a matter of time before stage six comes into play.

The difficulty with Stage Five; The victim is oblivious to what is happening. The process does not appear broken down in stages as I am explaining it here in this post. On the contrary, the process is flowing and seamless. The victim often feels ‘loved up’ throughout phase 1, full of positive emotions, and looking forward to the future. The process is undetectable to the untrained eye, making it impossible for the unsuspecting victim to know what they are letting themselves in for. The narcissist dips into his/her bag of tricks time and time again – executing with stealth precision The ‘invisible seduction’ as demonstrated in the image below, which is taken from one of my workshop presentations.
Everything the narcissist says and the way they say it, everything the narcissist does and the way they do it; Discourse, Body Language, Eye Contact, Tone, Actions & Reactions, is designed to coerce the victim into the narcissist’s way of thinking. The narcissist is confident that he can lock the victim in.

Stage Six. The Close – the deal is done, the victim is locked in.

Once the narcissist is confident the victim is completely beguiled, having secured their trust and tied them into the relationship by accepting the narcissist’s gifts and or/offer of support, it doesn’t take very long for phase two to come into play.

While the victim has fallen, hook, line, and sinker and are fully convinced their suitor feels the same – The narcissist feels nothing. It has all been a bizarre and lavish performance, designed to hoodwink the victim into believing they have found their soul mate. While the victim is making plans for their future, plans which are often suggested by the impostor, the narcissist who bores easily, is likely to be already planning their next pursuit. another victim. The victim still has no idea what is about to come in phase two!

If you have found this post because you are experiencing narcissistic abuse and need support – everything will be okay – you have found a safe space. Get In Touch

It is important to remember, this is not your fault!

Copyright ©2014. Falling for a Narcissist. D J Crozier.